Busy Busy

Crys,

I did get the message from Christmas night, but I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and write until now.

So let's see what's new in my world. Nothing really. I mean I work and stay home. Nothing big. Autumn got the disney version of dance dance revolution and I played that with her last night and it was a lot of fun. In January I am going to buy the Wii Fit. I think that it will be fun, and will put a mix in things. I hear you about the getting to the gym thing. I have to as well. I am going Thursday to pay it up to date and pay hopefully at least one month in advance. I have to get back. I am still pretty much at the same weight, but I am just more flabby than when I was going to the gym. And, I am going back to days in Artesia, so I will be off at 2 and figured that I could just take my clothes with me, change at the gym, and then go home. That way I don't have to come home and make Caleb upset that I leave again.

I know that I haven't been feeling well lately. I am sleeping all the time and when I wake up, my hands and joints hurt so much. I don't know what it is but I get it from time to time.

I am excited for you and the condo! I can't wait to see pics of it. You will be fine. I know it is driving you crazy, but once you are moved in it will have all been worth it.

So, I have not done well with my eating as well, but it could be a lot worse. I have been eating leftovers from Christmas dinner because there is no way I was going to let all that food go to waste. So, we are almost done with it and then I can move onto making other things. I will have more control over what I eat. I have control now, but all of it is so good. It is completely a will power thing.

It is so funny, Autumn is playing dance dance revolution right now and she has two mats out and Caleb is on the other mat dancing around. It's cute because it has Minnie, Mickey, Goofy, Donald and some other characters. So he says hot dog everytime she pulls it out! Crys he is talking so much, the other day he said a sentence that contained 5 words! I am sure Gab is talking paragraphs by now! What's more is that Caleb is getting his own little personality about what he does or doesn't like. We tried to dress him in a new set of pajamas the other night and he screamed "I don't light, I don't light". He can't say the k sound yet at the end of a sentence but he can say kite. I don't know, he's an odd ball.

I don't know if this is normal but he throws everything. He throws blocks, toys, forks, spoons, his cup, balls. I mean if he can pick it up you can be guranteed that at some point in time he is going to throw it. And like Gab is running everywhere. He doesn't walk for a second he runs, runs, runs.

I miss you too, and you as well are in my thoughts and prayers all the time.

How did you do in your class? You may have said it but I don't remember. I am excited to get back into school come January. It is going to be a lot of work and difficult, but I can do it. It brings me that much closer to receiving my degree next December.

Oh my God Crys, one of my nephews wife is going to have another baby, she has one little girl that is 6 weeks older than Caleb, a 10 month old and is due in July. Can you imagine! Holy Cow! I am beginning to think that the doc should do a tubal and just never tell her! Autumn says they are going to be the next Dugger family!

Ugh my dryer just buzzed at me, calling my name. I really don't want to keep doing laundry, but I must. It is Calebs clothes in there right now. I have been doing laundry for 2 days now and we still don't have it all done. That is the thing with a family of 6, you always have laundry.

Alright girl, I am running out of things to talk about. My life is boring, nothing new to report on. But, I always love hearing from you!

Love you,
Jenn

hey girl

HeyI meant to be eating really well already and I cant tell you that I am but I am really working on it. I am telling you the stress of the condo is wearing me down it has been such an up and down and it is crazy. Anyway it looks like we are closing on Tuesday and we drove by tonight and sure enough the current owner is moving out so by golly lol it better be then! Or esle the whole thing will fall apart for everyone involed. It was not fun but I hope living in it will be!

I am FOR sure joining the gym that is down the street from the condo and I mean down the street. I could walk but the roads are very heavy traveled and I wouldnt want to do that! I really hope that I can get to the damn gym. Grr.

I hope that you got my message here the other night and that you did not think that I forgot about you on christmas because I did not at all you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that everything is going well. I am going to hit the hay!

Night Muah.

Crystal

Hope you see this.......:)

Hey I hope you get this. My phone is TOTALLY dead and I was out all day and that is why I did not get the text and now I am to tired to move let alone go out in the car and get the phone where ever it is and charge it to text so I pray you check this tonight and that way know that I thought about you all day.

I am so glad that you are talking with Jeff about the east coast and while I would LOVE for you to be right in CT I would be totally happy with any location on this side of the US seeing as even if you were in TN or one of the carolinas as they are also very nice and crazy cheap I would go there in a heart beat to see you. It would only take us like maybe 6 hours drive to meet in the midddle! And then no one can keep usw from at least a visit to each others home at least twice a year! That would be great. BUT Ct is still the place that I want to see you! I want to be able to call you up and say Jenn let's go for a walk. Or lets go take the kiddos some place fun. It really would be great!

I feel so bad I only took a few pictures today. I always take a ton and I only took a few but I will post them too and let you see them. There is a little video and it is cute let me see if I can get that to up load. But the kids had a lot of fun too! With about 10 things each at your house that is a whole lot of presents, I would say!

Today I pigged out and ate bad. I did not even try to do good because Tommorrow I mean bussiness. I cannot even wait until the holidays are done and over because I am getting out of control and I am 161 again and not happy about it at all. Okay girl. I love you very much and hope to see you in my neighborhood someday! 2013 ish......

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas

Hey girl,

Glad to hear that you got the cards, I was so scared that they weren't going to get to you in time, but they did! Yay!

About my classes I got 3a's and a C. I am not going to complain!. I am sure you got an A in your class don't fret.

The kids had a fantastic christmas. They each ended up with about 10 items each, so that is not too bad. Jeff has the camera or I would post the pics. I have a pic of my living room right after we were done opening gifts, and it was a MESS! But it was so fun! I had a really good christmas as well. I hope that your kids had a great time and you as well.

I am so happy to hear about you closing on the condo next week. That will be so great for you. I am so excited for you.

Caleb is doing awesome. He is so cute, he is talking so much, putting more than 2 words together and his sentences are out of this world. It is so cute to hear him try and say please and bless you, he can't quite get it out perfectly but he sticks his little tongue out to say the pl and bl's. But he is saying so much. Maybe we can talk sometime for a good while and you can hear my little chatterbox.

His incision looks really good, and he hasn't complained about it all that much.

I really miss you Crys. Jeff and I had a long talk about where we finally wanted to move to in the next 2 years, and he has started saying that he will entertain the idea of CT, TN and some other areas, so I may not get to move right next to you, but I will be closer to you. I am really starting to push about moving to CT, and I think he may be starting to bite the bait. So, I will just have to wait and see.

I am at work, but just noticed that you had posted, so I didn't want to leave you hanging. I texted you this morning and you haven't gotten back to me, but I figure you are probably busy with the kids and trying to keep big J at bay.

Love you girlie,

Jenn

Merry Christmas

I feel like all I do is eat and I am really fat. The stress over this condo has been relentless. But we are sopposed to close on tuesday the 29th so we will see what happens with that. I am planning on working on the blog and my diet for my new years resolution and I usually follow what I set up myself to follow so I am just eating whatever until after tommorrow and then I am back in full effect because I am starting to feel fat again and that makes me sad.

Anyway this is not sopposed to be about that! Merry christmas and thank you for our cards. I got them today and I felt so sad but happy to be holding something in my hand that was once not so long ago in yours. I loved reading your writing! I am thinking about writing you some hand written letters. I think they are really meaningful, I love when you type to but the cards were really nice!

Did your grades come out? I am dying to know what I got. I will be happy as a clam with a B but I am hoping for better and praying for not worse. Oh well.

Merry Christmas girl Miss you and I hope that you are with the kiddos in this holiday and that little caleb is doing well with his Big brave boy attitude that he has.

Love ya!

Crystal

What is going on? I am gonna call you. I dont know what is wrong but I have to find out so while I came here with the intention of blogging I am gonna give it up to call you. Know that I meant to blog! More important things came up!

Troubled times

Crystal,

I have not done too bad, but not good either. The positive is that I am slightly sick right now and don't feel like eating, so this will be good.

There is so much that may be going on in the near future that I am way overwhelmed with it. I don't want to type it out into words yet, but I NEED to talk to you ASAP.

I haven't gotten on a scale for fear of what it will say, but am trying to at least do a decent job. With me being sick right now, there is no way that I am going to be able to get back to the gym. I was thinking that maybe I can go for a walk after I get off work in the afternoons.

I dont' know girlie.

Alright just wanted to check in with you:

Yesterday:

B-Bagel with butter
L-Pasta bread bowl from Dominos (BAD)
D-Pot Roast w/potatoes (1) and vegetables
S-Nutty Buddies

Today:
B-Bagel with butter
L-Leftover Pot roast
D-Spaghetti

Now today's is provided I even want to eat. I really don't feel like it right now, but I am hoping that I feel like this all day so I don't eat at all.

I will talk to you soon.

Love you,
Jenn

I ate bad. I will get there

trying

hey girl.

I know that I have not been good here and I will get there some day soon but I cant keep [romising that I am going to do things and not do them because I get side tracked or whatever because that makes me feel really bad and I dont want to feel bad so I am going to tell you that I will get better because that I know. But it will not be prefect for a bit while I try to get back in the swing of things. The good news is that I weigh about the same as what I was before I am in betweenn 156 and 158. When you came to visit me I was 153 and I was really happy with that but I cant get back there. I will I dont know when but I will.

I am so proud of you for doing all this for yourself you are doing so well. Good job girlie keep it up! I hope for the best for you and I hope you did good in your school as well. Okay I have a sore throat so I am going to hit the hay. I will lose my mind if I am getting sick again!

Love ya always!

Crystal

Today.....SUCKED!

HIP HIP HURRAY! I AM SO SO SO SO SO SO SO VERY VERY VERY VERY GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK! OH HOW THIS SITE HAS BEEN LONELY. Welcome back sweetie.

Okay, I don't even want to talk about this, but I HAVE to. I HAVE to remind myself that I am doing what I am doing for a reason. I also have to remind myself that yes, like today I am going to fall off the wagon, but that tomorrow is another opportunity. Besides, writing it down is going to embarass me, and that will only encourage me not to do it again.

B-1/2 a full bar
S-yogurt (less than 1/2 cup) with strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, and raspberries.
L- 5 yes count them 5 tacos
S-2 candy bars (one in the morning and one in the afternoon)
D-Flatbread oven roasted sandwich.

Fluids, about 12 oz of coffee, light and sweet and 2L of water.

So, lunch and snacks freaking SUCKED! But, tomorrow is another day, and I WILL do better. I CAN DO IT! My monthly friend should be showing up tomorrow, so I am blaming my chocolate bing on that.

Yesterday, I was so proud of myself, look at this!

(Yesterday)

B-Egg whites with 1/2 bagel
S-1/8 cup chocolate chex mix
L-1/2 serving of sesame chicken
S-Mozzarella cheese stick
D-Nope (Jeff had to stop at McDonalds for him and Caleb)

Fluids, 8oz of Caramel Brulee Frappuccino from Starbucks. (Caleb had the other 8 ozs!) And a little water.

So, yesterday I resisted.

And, the day before that was awesome. So, I can do this. I just have to resist all urges. One of the candy bars and the tacos today, came because a friend of mine orders them and brings me a chocolate bar everyday we work together. Today, I accepted all of her gifts, but sternly told her that I can no longer accept them because I am placing myself on a diet. She said, ok, then we will have tacos only once in a blue moon. So, this should not be a problem anymore.

My poor Jeff has dry socket from where his tooth was removed and he is in sooooo much pain. Here in a minute I have to go help him put a gel into the socket so it can numb the pain and it can help seal the gum.

You know girl, I am too very busy with school. I haven't even logged in yet. I HAD to come do this first. I owe it to myself. So, here I am.

When I went to Wal-Mart to buy a gift for Jeff for Christmas, I parked at the end of the parking lot and walked. The only problem was that I left my coat at home, and by the time we went out of the store, it was starting to freeze again. So, I froze my rear off, but I walked it! I am so proud of myself. Next step, catch up my gym and start back.

Alrighty girlie, I think Jeff is going to eat dinner and then I am going to help him with his gums.

Love you,
Jenn

okay jen I will try. I will hope on later on today and chat with you about this for real. Right now I am trying to get some work done..
I promise alot more time to this after this class is done. I am sure that it is somewhat the same for you at this point too.

C

Today...was GREAT!

Okay, first off there is a lengthy post before this one, so if you haven't already read that one first.

As far as today goes, I ate FANTASTIC!

B-yogurt, strawberries, blackberries, raspberries and blueberries
S-1/2 an everything bagel plain
L-Posole (about 1 cup or so)
S-None
D-Chicken Parmesian (1/2 chicken breast and about a 1/2 cup of pasta) with a glass of milk
S-Almond granola bar

Aproximate Calorie Count: 1368

As far as fluid intake, I have had 6 cups of water, and am planning on going to the store to buy me more. I HAVE to get to 8 cups today.

Exercise was minimal. It was freezing cold out today (33 high with a windchill factor that made it feel like 20), so when I went to Wal-Mart, I didn't park as far as I could have. I had Caleb with me and didn't want him getting a chill, I didn't layer his clothes. So, anyways, exercise was a bust today, but tomorrow is going to be better. I am going to El Paso for Calebs renal scan follow up with his urologist and then he is due to get shots, in which time we will return home.

Speaking of Caleb he is doing so many new things that make me laugh. My favorite right now is tonight we were sitting at the table eating dinner, and he decided he didn't like what we were having so he would throw the food on the floor and call our female dog by name "Shyrah," clear as day, over to eat the food he had dropped. Boy was she a happy camper!

Alright girlie, I have a huge final that I have to take right now. 50 questions in 60 minutes....retarded if you ask me, but I have to do it. So, I am going to go do that, and then I am off to bed. I am working graveyards on Saturdays and Sundays and am just not sleeping more than 4-8 hours over the course of the two days. I know that today I only slept until 1045 in the morning after getting home at 630. So, needless to say I am beat.

I hope that your paper ended up good, which I am sure it did. I hope that your portfolio is on the move again, and that all is kosher in your house.

I love you and miss you bunches,

Jenn

Invitation

Crystal,

Okay, so I have been depressed and completley unmotivated abot my health, my weight, my motivaton, my life. But, I can't sit around like this anymore. So, I have an invitation for you. Join me again on Sparkpeople and blogging EVERYTHING! I mean everything down to the gum you chew and the fluids that enter your body. We have allowed ourselves to fall off the wagon, and we have to pick ourselves back up again. I don't know about you, but the last thing I want is to wake up one day and be 250 pounds, with oily hair, a face that makes me look like I am 50 with diabetes. Ugly mental image huh!

So, no time like the present to start...right!

Yesterday (December 6, 2009)
B-None
S-None
L-Spinach leaves, a roma tomato, 1 tsp feta cheese, grilled chicken and steak and lime juice salad.
S-Nutter Butter
D-Arbys roast chicken sandwich complete with fries and a Dr. Pepper

Okay, so that was a bad day. In my defense and on the upside I only drank 1/2 a large Dr. Pepper and realized "What the hell was I doing?" Promptly got up and poured the rest into the sink.

Tonight I have drank almost a full 15 ounces of Grape juice which hits hard with 290 calories and 72 grams of carbs....OUCH! But, I do have a liter of fantasticly cool and smooth Fiji water.

In the morning around 5 or so, I am planning on eating my lowfat yogurt with strawberries, blackberries, and raspberries mixed in.

I know that for me, and if I still know you as well as I think, coffee is a big downfall. I know that you are really good at only having like a cup a day, but I am up to about 4 to 5 cups a day. I am pumping poison into my body and it is not good for me at all. Grape Juice is really good at cleaning out all the free radicals in your body that cause cancer and other diseases, so I am figuring I can have it one to two times a week, but not 15 ounces at a time...that is just gluten for punishment.

I am telling you NO EXCUSES. No "I've been busy and just grabbed whatever." or "I am having problems at home with hubby and the kids." Or "I just don't have any motivation." Damn it Crys, our kids should be our motivation. When we take care of us, we are happier, which makes it easier to deal with them when they are monsters. They are our motivation because do we really want our significant others to take care of our kids if something happens to us? I know I don't. Jeff would do a good job, but it wouldn't be me.

I don't know if you still do, but no eating at night. Absolutely not! That is a good time when your metabolism slows down and the calories just sit there, doing nothing but turning into unused sugar which eventually turn into FAT!
So, are you with me? You have always said that you need someone to take control, so here I am.

Here is a proposition of some goals, that are to be tallied at the end of the week, on Sundays. If you have any other suggestions, throw them out there! Let's do this!

1. Weight
2. Mean calories consumed (all day totals divided by the number of days.)
3. Exercise. Whatever it may be. "I parked at the farthest parking spot in IKEA and walked to the door."
4. Amount of water consumed.

Now, ALL of these can be tracked on the sparkpeople page. In addition, I am going to look into ordering a motivational calendar that I can hang in my bedroom. They are like $12.

So, you are probably laughing right now, going "yeah right" that girl has lost her complete and total mind. You know what though, as ashamed to say it as I am, I need you. I know that you have Heather, your sister, the lady from church and your next door neighbor (the one with the baby), but I have no one. I don't have my sister, my mom, or anyone else. I am just me, all by myself. So, I am asking you take maybe an hour a day, and just log onto sparkpeople and here, and help me through this.

Alright girlie, I will talk to you soon.

Love ya bunches,

Jenn

A little story of success

So. I have worked really hard at making my credit something that I can be proud of and this afternoon I was shocked and proud of myself and all my hard work. and a little scared of the respondsiblity as well all in the same.

I was sitting in class saying to myself. I dont know what I am going to do about taking a class next semester. I am not sure if I am going to do it or want to but gee the fact that I dont have the money makes me say I dont even want to think about it because I dont want to have to borrow it or whatever....It would be nice if I had someway to pay it off over the semester in small payments of like 200 a month. Oh well

Then I get home and hop online to pay my cards and What the heck?

Capital one UPPED MY LIMIT TO 5500! What the heck????? Oh my god my heart skipped a beat! All my hard work paided off and the creditors noticed! That doesnt mean I am for sure taking a course. It depends because I have to get this portfolio done so that I can get my raise that is most important right now but the point was that I HAVE the money now if I want to take two courses lol....Which I would never do right now! lol

I just needed to share this with you.

Love you

C

Our snow for the year

We had a lot of fun!

Fast check

Crys,

Just wanted to say that I miss you and hope that you and Gab are feeling better. I work tomorrow and Thursday (only till 2) then we are heading to El Paso. I am hoping to hear from you at least on Thanksgiving, if I don't then I will conclude that I am out of your circle.

Get to feeling better.

Jenn

Possible Multiple Posts

Crys,

I just wanted to jump on here right fast and tell you that I have done better with my eating today:

B-2 pancakes no syrup and a small portion of applesauce
L-Chicken rice soup and I added in spinach (It was delicious)
D-Not sure yet

I think Caleb is sick again....he has been really whiney and he has a bad runny nose. I gave him some decongestant this morning and he slept for about an hour. So, I am going to keep an eye on him.

Talk to you later...love you...CALL ME!

Jenn

Availabiltiy

Crys,

I wanted to check in real fast. I am still not doing ok. I feel weird, I've never felt like this before. I am a jumbled mess, a real mess. I almost feel like I need some serious drugs to make me normal again. I know that I feel something similar to this when I get stressed and really really overwhelmed, so I am hoping that I am just all that and then some!

UGH I have that song papparzzi by Lady Gaga in my head....."I'm your biggest fan...."

Okay, so anyways I really hope that Donna is doing better, I am sorry that she is in so much pain, I hope that they can fix whatever it is giving her the problems.

Your text earlier has me thinking crazy things about why we need to talk asap! What is going on? Oh boy.

Anyways, I am off tomorrow and am going to be running around like crazy. Friday, Jeff and I are leaving at like 815 my time and going to El Paso. Wes hould be there around 1100 my time, and Caleb has his ultrasound at 130 my time, Jadon is to be seen at 400 my time. Depending on what goes on, I should be back on Friday late, and then am supposed to work Saturday and Sunday day shift. I am going to be freaking tired.

I think you had asked what was going on at work, and I am just plain sick of the bullshit from the supervisors, the boss, the soon-to-be and wanna be supervisors. I am just tired of the "favorites" card being played all the freaking time. Good Lord. I mean honestly, I am only 4 months "younger" than one of the girls that I work with. She was hired in April, me in September, and she already sits in on interview boards...INTERVIEW BOARDS! That is where 6 people sit around a large table and interview the candidates one by one. WTF! So, I am tired of seeing that I am going to go nowhere, and am not particularly cared for.

Also, I can't bring myself to go out of town for 3 weeks to go to the academy in Santa Fe come January. So, I am hoping that I can find another job by then. If not, then I am going to go and get certified, come back make me some money and just wait to graduate.

I was thinking that I could talk to Jenny, but I don't know how to bring it up. I mean after all she is part of them. She is like the queen bee of them. They all follow her lead! Then you have Stephanie who is best friends with Supervisor Alexis, who is Jennys right hand woman...so as you can see it is like some kind of sick love triangle, of which I am a bug caught in the web from hell, stuck and I can't get out.

Okay, girlie. I am trying to work on some school but didn't want you to think that I had forgotten about you, because that will never happen. Give the kids a hug for me and tell them I miss them. I will talk to you soon.

Love you bunches,
Jenn

P.S. I haven't done all that well on my eating either, but tomorrow is another day to try.

here and so what.....

I am here.

I am here.

i am here.


I dont know what esle to say becuase I have done nothing good with my eating so I will just telling you something esle.

I had to go get my liscense today and then go to the court and get a copy of my child support paperwork. At least that is all done now. I am glad to have it out of the way seeing as I had no lisence for the longest time.

Any way.

I love ya and miss you.\

And I had a few drinks this evening.

We didnt talk today.'

I am sad about that.

Love ya\

c

A tough cookie.....

Okay,


First I dont know what your day looks like tommorrow but seeing as I still love you. I am going in at 9 my time getting out at two and I would love to have time to talk to you if your around.

Why am I getting the condo....

Because...

Number one: My kids need a place to grow up that is safe, with good schools, and enough space, no drug addict neighbors and crazy landlords. Somewhere they can live for the rest of their childhood, know the kids in their class well, have them over, go to the right school....etc. This place does ALL of that.....

Number two: I cannot afford an apartment that does all the above things and having no money just to rent an apartment looks like it would solve problems but it comes with a whole host of other problems.....

Number three: IF we get the condo and things do not work out....IT IS IN MY NAME...And if we need to seperate.....Then no JUGDE would put me out! OR we could stay here and "try to work it out like we have been" and be no where if it ends....and suffer in apartment to apartment of which they would cost at least 300 more a month JUST FOR RENT.

Number Four: This condo will cost around 950 a month, rent for a three bedroom here is at least 1200 in a half way good neighborhood.

Number Five: I am not happy here

Number Six: It is something I could afford on my own if I had to.

Number Seven: I still have hope like a sucker....

okay that is about all that I can get.

So I need to remind you that by getting this condo I am getting a $40,000 DOLLAR GRANT! I AM PAYING 108,000 for a condo that would sell in another complex for well over 200000. It is a deal of a life time and I need to get it.

I wish you and I talked about this so you understood it better before now and I hope you get it a little more now as to why this is something that John and I need to do for our family regardless of whether or not WE can be A WE!

I am not hoping on Amiee's train for a bunch of reasons. You and I have talked before I believe in god and I am Catholic but I just dont believe all the things that she is saying about the roles of men and women and it just "feels" wrong for me. I think that a self help thing that is not rooted in rules and standards might do me good. I will look into it. I dont know.

But something in me made me so upset. I watched the Rianhha thing the other day and thought about women that are abused. And how they might have stumbled onto the blog or the books or the bible in general and said to themselves I have to stay because of gods plan and a woman's role to her husband and it infureated me. I dont know Jenn maybe I will get there but I dont like the idea and the way that I feel when I think about it. It doesnt matter what she is doing is HELPING people, like you, but not me, not now anyway. That being said I am going to look for a counselor when I get my insurance back. And look into getting anti anxiety pills for ONCE in a while.....Because just knowing they are there is going to help me.

I am so sorry that you are suffering. But I took chances here saying some of the things that I said. I dont want you to fear saying things because I would never hate you. But it is really upseting me that we are not talking. EVEN JOHN who is blind to the world noticed.

I am so sorry that I could not be there for you in this time. I wish I could come over and give you a hug and let you come to my kitchen. The door is always open and I know you WOULD come! I hope that you somehow get through the next few weeks and finish out the semester and that it becomes a done! Thank god kinda thing rather than a task at hand. What's up with work? Sorry it did not get better. I feel bad because I said to you that it would be a good idea to move and I guess it wasnt the best.

What is going on with Caleb that you are worried about? Are his Kidneys okay? Is here still sick? Poor guy....I dont even know! I feel so bad. WE need to talk very soon. TOMMORROW.

GIrl hang in there and Know that I am always here some how. I know I have been less than around lately. I am trying to do the computer thing so that at least we have that while my mind is all over but I am telling you I have lost my keys a thousand times in ten feet the last few days. I have lost it all and it is the stress of my life as it is right now. I know you are fighting through things much worse.

Your one tough cookie...

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

Crystal,

Nothing you said about the whole Aimee blog has me upset. That is also not the reason I haven't been on here. To be honest, I am just too damn busy. Not to mention, that I am completely depressed, angry, anxious and ready to give up on everything. I don't want anything anymore.

I know that you said that you wanted to focus on being positive, but I just have to vent.

First, I am a concerned that you are willing to sign a deal for a condo with a partner that is not healthy for you, but yet you won't give Aimees blog a try. I just wonder how you are going to make it work after you sign on the condo, and all hell breaks loose again. I'm not saying that doing any of the things that Aimee is saying will work, or anything at all will work. I understand what you're saying, and yes to a point it is putting the "victim" in a more delicate situation. I know this. But it bothers me that you will sign your life for 20 or 30 years with someone that isn't good for you. You, my dear, are putting yourself in a predicament that scares the hell out of me. Please don't take this as me being rude, or trying to make you change your mind or anything. I am just being honest. I really hope that things are going really well for you right now, and continue to. I hope that all the kids are healthy and doing well.

Secondly, I won't know anything on Jadon until after Friday. That is provided that the Dr. even sends him for tests that we will get the results right away. So, once I know what is going on with him, you will be the first to know. I will send you a short text letting you know the basics of everything.

Third, I am really fed up with a lot of stuff lately. I hate going to work, I hate the fact that we don't talk, I hate the fact that I hate being alive. I hate that I have to fight everyday for such simple things. I hate not knowing what is going to happen with Jadon or Caleb. I hate that my kids back talk me so much and all I seem to do is yell, to the point where I feel like I am going to have a stroke. I hate the fact that Jeff and I have no time together for anything. I hate the fact that I have no motivation to tackle school right now. At this point in time I don't care if I ever finish, I don't have the strength or the brain power to do it. Ihate the fact that Codey cannot seem to do any type of work on his own to be able to pass. I hate the fact that the school can sit down and make goals put no implementation of how to reach those goals. I hate the fact that I am always so God damned tired. I that I am so fat, and can't get any type of motivation to go to the gym, or even eat a decent meal. I hate the fact that I am so fucking broke right now that I don't even have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

And the list can go on and on. Crys, I am just really frustrated right now, and if I had the guts, I would just throw in the towel and say fuck it all. I am really very tired of things right now. (Like you couldn't tell from the VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY post.)

Crys, I am just forewarning you that I am not going to be a good friend right now. And, if you never want to talk to me again, I will understand. I do miss you, very very much. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. Hell everything I am saying right now I would screaming and crying in your kitchen about.

I am sorry about this posting. I really am... and no I don't feel any better, but I think you get the picture of how fucked I am and things are right now.

I love you, to the ends of this Earth.

Jenn

ALLLL BYYYYY MYYYSELLLLFFFFF

I still think that I am right. I have not changed my mind. And I will stand alone.

Anyway.

I have recieved the condo docs and the resale paperwork. Another step in the process and they look okay. I had to laugh at a few of the things in the rules. They are so specific but you can tell that they have to be since they must have had alot of problems with things and had to fix them some how. The first page for example was about dogs and their poop.

I hope you dont hate me and that is not why you have not said a word to me here since I made it a point to boycot the efforts of the womens ministry. Again I think it is a great thing but not for all women and certainly not for those with someone that is not a healthy mate. God doesnt want that and if a woman in that position is told that then it can cause alot of additional heart ache guilt and pain.

I hope that the kids are well and that you are doing good and continueing on your mission of marriage. I hope that you got some answers for Jadon and that I get to talk to you soon so that I understand what is going on. At this point I have found out that I am really getting close to having more than enough room to house you and your family when you come visit but lol I read in the rules that your car cannot be parked for more than 4 hours without a pass lol....that killed me so on holidays what do you do????? I just think it is something that we will have to learn what the REAL rules are like what is it really like to live there you know

WEll I have to tell you that the diet went out the window and I have no clue what I weight because of the scale issue. It is killing ME! I will tell you this I am not even going to worry about it until we have the closing of the confo. Why you ask becuase it is WAY to much to worry about right now and I have to finish this class and have 35 pages to write for it by dec 5 for the first 25 and the 12 for the rest. So I am losing my keys left and right and just really over whelmed right noe and I have decided that I will do my best but relax aa littlle until I can focus again.

I miss you.

C

No. NO NO NO wait it is not okay!!!!!!

The message that I deleted needs to be said. But I dont want you to take it personal as it is not to you but it is inside me and I need to put it here.

To all those that are in an abusive relationship with a husband or boyfriend and are staying there becuase God tells you that you should or that the bible says that our (woman's) purpose is to respect and serve our husbands.....This IS WRONG! DO NOT think that God WANTS you to waste your time here on earth catering
to someone who treats you like trash....DO NOT think that GOD would give you the PRECIOUS gift of life only to make it be terrible.

GET OUT, somehow as I struggle to do on a day to day basis. So I know it is not easy. But a woman does not deserve to be abused and have to stomach it and treat her abuser well because God said so. I dont care what FIRE I light by saying this or who hates me.

I DONT CARE.

GOD LOVES YOU AND AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND DOES NOT.

I am not doing it. I wont give up what little is left for him, for god, for anyone.

God and I have a good relationship and I know that this is not what he wants for me or any other woman that is being held down like me.

Crystal

deleted

I just typed up a message and delelted it. Just know that I am struggling with "god's plan" and Aimee's blog. I think that it is great that it is helping some but I think that the whole thing blames the vicitm and focuses on fixing abusive relationships under the excuse that god wants us to. I think that if you are with an abuser you should not have to cater or try to get the relationship better. You have to see the message that blogs and books like this are passing onto to people like well me.

That was a little like what I typed in the first place but a little different.

But I have to say I dont believe that God planned for Jadon to be going through this or you and jeff to feel this pain. Because I dont think God hurts innocent children. That being said...

I am praying for Jadon and his Big heart.....I knew he was a lover. You need to call me because I miss you and you need me and I need you so please call me. Or email me or whatever or text. I miss you so.

I know that if you ever needed to travel out here for some reason I would be here and you can all stay with me. I will give you my room and sleep on the couch. I would do anything to help you in all this. Tell me more what is going on? Why does little Jadon know all this already? Did they scare him? He shouldnt have to be afriad because you dont know if there is anything at all wrong right or am I wrong? Gee I feel like a bad friend I have no idea what is going on.

I am here when you need me and girl please dont worry about your eating. You get through all this and then worry now is not the time. at all.

I miss you and love you and

I am eating bad and cannot weigh myself because the scale broke. It is so bad for what I like to do. Grr.

Okay......Love you.

Rest when you can.

c

Rainbow of emotions

If ever there were a rainbow of emotions I probably have each and every one of them wrapped up in me right now. I am angry that Jadon may be sick, I am scared that we will lose him, I am nervous to go to El Paso and get the tests done, I am hopeful that nothing is wrong. It scares me to death to think of the things that could happen to him, and I know the operative word being "could". But you know, I can't help it. I sit now and rather than watching his handsome, fragile face while he is sleeping; I am counting his pulse, feeling for abnormalities in the push of blood through the tiny veins in his wrist. Rather than worrying about the dirt that is under his fingernails, I am looking for signs of cyanosis. Rather than asking him how his day is, I ask him if he has had any problems and how he is feeling. Do you have any clue what it feels like to have your sweet 5 year old tell you he is scared to die? That he doesn't want to die? I am going to be batshit crazy by the time this is all done.

I was feeling his pulse last night and there was an extra beat and a missed beat from time to time. It did not feel like a normal beat to me at all. But, I do not have M.D. behind my name.

Because of all of this I am eating the worst I ever have.

Take yesterday for instance:

B-6 mini chocolate donuts
S-Hersheys with almonds bar
L-Bacon chicken ranch sandwich from Dominos and BOTH lava cakes
D-3/4 of a quesadilla from Taco Bell

Total Calories: Ballpark of 2500 with nothing that was of nutritional value.

I am trying today again though....

B-Fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds along with an apple walnut salad a large vanilla iced coffee

Not sure what I am doing yet for lunch, but we shall see.

Crys, I am really happy for you on the condo. Just be sure to keep it in the back of your mind that I may need to rent a room from you in case there is something wrong with Jadon and I make the decision to take him to Yale for treatment! Besides I would need you next to me. I have Jeff, but the poor thing is such an emotional mess right now. He said that Jadon is his kryptonite, and he is right. Those two men have an extremely strong attachment to each other. So, I am going to need someone...hell I need someone now. I know you are here for me, but you have been so busy with the baby and getting your life together, I don't want to bother you.

Anyways, I know that we had said that we would keep this positive, but I just have a hard time right now. But here it goes:

1. Jadons final result came back borderline cardiomegaly....
2. I have better food for today and I will get back on track
3. You're buying a FREAKING CONDO!
4. I must remember that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger
5. God has a plan, and although I may not agree with it or understand it, I must go with it

Talk to you soon.

Love ya,
Jenn

Behind the counter!

So we got behind the counter at the bank! Right near the safe! Why you ask.... WEll because we spent two and a half hours in the bank applying for the mortgage and signing our life or mine because its in my name away. Fun!

Anyway it is looking good still. We did all the paper work. I have to collect a few more things and gather a few documents. I have to get a new drivers liscene. It is forcing me. I have to get court papers that show my child support and then I just sit back and wait. looks like christmas will here but I think we are gonna end up there in time for birds bday,

I am really tired and I have to go to sleep. I ate ok. I am just maxed out with the condo and gab being sick. I will get better at telling you what I ate.

Grr

I hope that you had an okay day after your stress fron yesterday, I hope that the kids get better and that they figure out what the strange c ray meant.

Miss you talk to you soon I hope.

C

Another step taken and finished....

Hi to you.

The inspection was done and IT WENT PERFECT! There is very little to be worried about it in our new home to be! Woo hoo...

I need to tell you that I am happy about the condo because I need to get my kids out of here and I cannot afford a house and I feel like this is the right choice and the right place for them. We can stay there and they can grow and it can be good. I am looking forward to it. We went and had the inspection done today and it looked really good. I think that it is going to be really nice when we get it all fixed up the way that we want it. I will send you pictures as soon as I can. We are going to meet with the mortgage lady tommorrow and it looks really good and very hopeful.

That being said I am slacking with the eating and to top it off my scale is broke and I have no idea how I am doing. I guess I can try to use that as a good thing. I dont know.

I read aimee's blog and I am glad that you are doing so well with it I am happy for you but I have to say that I read through it and while part of me wants to try it the other part of me agrees with the people that are questioning it all. I worry that it is not the right choice to kiss your husband who was rotten to you....and cater and cater and cater.....I dont know maybe I need to swollow my questioning and just do the challenge......even though I am behind....I should try ....whatever.

I ate bad.....kinda. No too bad. considering what I can do sometimes!

I will talk to you soon I hope I miss you and I hope that everything is going well. I really hope that you can come and visit with me sometime soon and stay in my condo!

C

I ate bad. Gab is sick and fussing but I had to post we will talk soon.

Crys, I had not changed the blog until the other night, because the pink background would no longer load, it would only load black. So, I decided that I was going to just choose a neutral background provided by blogger.

I am just checking in real fast.

B-Meat and egg buritto and some decaf coffee (only 2 spoons sugar and creamer not milk)

Not sure what I am doing yet for the rest of the day, but I am hoping to have a tuna salad for lunch, and then maybe (MAYBE) nachos for dinner. I think the kids would like it. I may split the hamburger meat and make nachos for the kids and a small meatloaf for Jeff and I. We shall see.

Aimee has the new challenge posted, check it out. I know that you are having problems with it, but it occured to me today that if you and John are going in on this condo, you have to do something to make it a livable arrangment. He will respond at some point in time, but in the mean time, you will not feel so stressed, I think that you will see it as though you are feeling a sense of self-gratification. By no means am I trying to push you to do something that you don't want to, but you are getting ready to do one of the biggest things of a persons life, BUY A FREAKING CONDO!!!!!

Talk to you later.

Love you,
Jenn

rainbow blog.....

What happened to the pretty pink back ground? I dont mind change I was just surprised! And last night it was black right? Boy you are keeping me hoping! I dont want to go to work tommorrow :( I am not looking forward to it and I dont know why for sure but I have been dragging my feet really bad with work. Oh well. I do have a longer week planned in front of me to. Grr. But I get a bonus on Friday. I dont know what it will be but I know that it is coming and that makes me happy because I really want to get some clothes. I need some. I am just thinking that I will get mostly pants and a few tops. We will see. I need shoes too.

Anyway good job doing well for today. I did not do so well because you know I had that baby shower today and I ate there more than I had wanted to and i went out to breakfast with my gramma today. So today was a wash and I weighed in at 157.2 today so I ended up losing just a tiny bit. We will see.

Okay I am beat and I am going to just go to sleep now.

Good night my bf...

Crystal

I cant wait to know more about the condo so that I can get excited. I have to schedule the inspection and appraisal tommorrow. Or try.

C

Better today

Okay, so yesterday went down the toilet. I ended up eating a Rueben sub for dinner and a couple of bites of pizza.

But, today is better. I had lowfat yogurt with raspberries, blackberries and a little bit of grapenuts. For snack I am eating black grapes. Then for lunch I have grilled chicken on baby red lettuce with tomatoes, a small amount of mozzarella cheese and cranberry pecan dressing. I am not sure what we are doing for dinner yet, but we shall see. We did have a lot of pizza leftover as well as lasagna, so which is the lesser of two evils?

I am so excited for you, I know you will get the condo no problems. Way to go.

Okay, I am sure that I did not touch on everything but I was excited about how well I am doing today and needed to post about it. Talk to you later.

Love you,
Jenn

day 6 and year 5

Hey girl....

I am sorry about last night. I went to bed without typing and I laided here thinking about it and I was like ahh I put a sentence on in the morning so it is not a whole day missed.

Guess what the guy accepted the offer on the condo! Now dont get to excited because I dont know if it will be smooth sailing to the closing. THe person that was trying to get it before me had a really hard time. She was using a different loan etc. and had no down payment so she needed down payment assistance and we dont so I dont know what that means. We will see if it goes better.

I am so glad for you that the whole thing with Aimee is helping you. I think that I might buy the book and try it at my own pace because I did not start really at all yet and now I feel to far behind to try you know what I mean? I just dont know at times what I want. You know today is five years for me and john? I didnt know if we would get here and I am not sure what that means seeing as we fought all day and hate each other. See I dont know if we are to far gone to fix anything and I am not sure what Aimee would say and she has not emailed me back and I dont think she wants to go there. I dont know. But I sure am glad that she is helping you. Because I think that Jeff is the kinda of guy that will come around I really do. Let me re read day one and I will see if I can get myself to try....but you girl you have to try. He is worth it for sure.

My eating blah today not all that good.

B egg snadwich
s
L half bagel, half chicken flat bread
S dount
D hamburger no bun, rice, corn

If I didnt have the dount I would say it was good. Whatever. I will post me weight tommorrow but I here you about not wanting to say it if it doesnt change. I get your point. For me I am a little different because posting it with no change embrasses me and there for motivates me to try. girl this last twenty pounds has been here for the longest time so I am not doing as well as you think but I am trying that is for sure.

Thank you for the text earlier I got it in class and then got really busy gab was a monster when I got home and we had to do alot of running around. We looked at a few houses just to get a feel for what it would be like to get a house in this price range and I did not like them at all so I really think that the condo is the right move and like I told you if the shit hits the fan and we really dso throw in the towel I can pay for it myslef and that is the important part I guess I just wish that I did not have to think that way you know.

Gab is getting that molar I told you and it looks so bad. Are you sure this happened to Caleb do you think that they would ever cut it I am afraid...

Okay Bird boy is sleeping over donnas and I am just gonna relax a little. I think House is on tonight and I might just watch that and I will re read the first post from Aimee and re think. I am so glad it is helping you. Maybe it could help me to...I dont know....I am having a hard time with it all....I wish she would have emailed me back.

Bummer.....

Love ya always!

Crystal

Chaeating

Okay, so today I am cheating myself at any chance of losing weight. I've eaten 2 handfuls of Peanut Butter M&M's and like 6 of those Snicker Minis.....you know the once that are the size of your thumbnail maybe. So, looks like salad for sure tonight for me for dinner.

Jenn

Checking in

So, I am here at work, but nothing is going on right now so I thought I would check in.

First, yesterday was stressful, but in the light of things I ate ok. For breakfast I had a peach cup, no snack, for lunch I had Tacos, but I ate mostly the meat and left the tortilla, and then last night I ate a small helping of Lasagna. Today, however hasn't been as good. For breakfast I ate a package of donuts (300 calories I don't need) and a pineapple cup. For lunch I have some lasagna, so, for dinner I am thinking salad. My weight is steady, and if it goes down at anytime I will post it, but if not I will not because it just stresses me out and puts me in a state of funk.

I am really glad to see that you are doing so well, I know that you can do this. It's only 20 lbs, no sweat. I missed you on here last night. Hope you and the kids are doing ok.

So, how has the whole thing been going in regards to Aimee. I have done them all but haven't gotten a response out of Jeff. Maybe becuase he is just soaking it in. I know though that I can look at him right now and know that he is the person I love. I just hope that I don't lose that the next time we get into an argument. Also, I get the ugly feeling inside of me when he gets upset with the kids. For instance, I was working on homework last night and the baby was very tired and whining, and he would walk up to Jeff, raise his arms up, and cry saying "up." Well Jeff would make a comment like "Of course that's what you want." and sigh. That makes me very...I don't know...anxious, mad, angry, sad. Maybe a mix of them all...I don't know.

Alrighty girlie, I don't think there is anything else. I am doing ok....sick and tired, but still doing ok. I really don't want to be here at work. There is drama with all that right now, but maybe we can talk later. Have a fantastic day.

Love ya,
Jenn

day 5

morning of day five and I am just popping on for reinforcement. I have not been tracking and writing my weight like crazy but I am planning on up dating with you at the 7th day.....So we shall see

B egg on toast one slice cheese and coffee

4 or so

Day 4....I think.

I did okay today I ate a little more than I played and I am about to go drink a shot or two or gin. lol.... Just because no other reason....

So,

B egg and cheese on toast and a sausage
S banana
L baja chicken wrap
S coffee
D past w tomato sauce and a meatball
S two graham crackers with some PB and a banana


Yeah it was the Dinner that killed it but that is what I ate...and I want to be honest about it and that is what is the most important to me.

I wrote aimee an email I have no idea if she will be able to answer but I asked her about those of us in really bad relationships and what she thinks god would want us to do and I really want to see what she says. I will let you know. I dont know if I can be your partner I think I am going to have a really hard time going through with the things that she is suggesting but I will do it for you I just cannot say that I will be doing the same things as well you know. I tried the greeting at the door thing and thought about the cooking thing but you know what I cook all the time for John and it never gets me anywhere. When I make things he will say what is this slop? he will eat it and like it but he has to make those comments first to make me feel bad or say oh your no martha stewart.....

I really want to see what aimee says back I have to know.

RIght and not Tight!

Oh boy....I was like thinking outloud and it did not come out clear....

The 30 day thing is to try to make blogging and tracking what I eat a habit again. Because when I was doing that was when I really lost weight! So since I stopped I stopped losing and in fact gained back five pounds which I hate to admit! SO I am trying to get to 30 days with out making any days go by that I am not on here. Even if it is a quick little thing I just have to know that you are looking at it and there for I will fell bad about eating like a pig!

The negitive thing was just a side note. but I have to try. I have been unhappy with mylife for a long time now and I need to change the one thing that I can in it. My self. By changing myself and my outlook on things I am hoping that I will be more happy. We shall see. I am sure that I will still complain and girl I never mind hearing you complain that is what friends are for. I just think This is something I want to try for me.

So the great thing about the condo is it is down the street from a REALLY nice gym that opens at 4:30....I think I can get there! They have a sauna! WHooo hooo

Today I ate...

B egg sandwich
Sno
L baja chicken wrap wendys
BIG S lol Flat bread snadwich and hash browns
D two pieces cheese pizza

I had that class tonight and I had to eat on the run so I ate the DD stuff but then when I got home I was still hungry and John had ordered pizza for him and the kids so I ate again. I never said that I would be perfect but here it is.

I think I said this but I am not sure. I want to sign up for weight watchers and I think that I am going to go either tommorrow or the next day and sign up. I really want to go and I think that it will help me. I get so mad at myself for not having lost this last 20 pounds. Grr. It has to happen.

Also, Today I went to the store and bought three pairs of size 8 jeans. NOW they are really tight and my belly hangs over them a little so I have to pair them with a lose sweater but here are my thoughts rather than having pants that are falling off me and that I can eat whatever and they will still be lose and I have to keep pulling them up and people look at me like what is wrong with her that she is not wearing a belt???lol... I figured that I would be better off with the tight pants that are saying girl LOSE WEIGHT!!! every time I put them on.....I would like them to fit me well by Christmas. I just want them to fit right I am not even saying I want to lose this by this date just that I want these three pairs of pants to fit RIGHT NOT TIGHT!

I miss you so much too! I would not know what to do if I found you moving my way....maybe back flips....Work on Jeff will you....He would love it and God so would I. If you come stay in CT I will have my basement finished up by then with a family room that has PLENTY of places to sleep you can bring the whole crew and I will bye blow up beds!!!!! Goody goody gum drops!

Talk to you soon! Keep up the good work! I hope you feel better and go CALEB with the talking! Gab new thing is over said YES and I do! Everytime she wants to do something! Has Caleb got his flu shot? How did he do if he did?

Crystal

Okay, so I have read your last two blog posts and am trying to be sure that I know what you're goal and intention is. Sorry, I guess I am just not that smart to know exactly what you're doing. I can only think that you are doing like a 30 day challenge for decreasing your negativity and increasing your positivity. I am getting the gist that you are also trying to get back on track to hitting your goal weight. Am I anywhere close?

I will jump on the bandwagon with you on the negativity thing. I know that EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth is negative. I have lost all happiness that I could have ever had. So, I will try my best to jump on here nightly and post. I am not going to promise anything though.

So, today was a good day overall. I managed to get my kitchen cleaned all the way, of course there are dishes sitting now, but I will get them done tonight. I was also able to get a lot of laundry done. Autumn and Codey helped immensley with the living room, and Mr. Caleb the bullet, is of course playing and undoing the work we have done. But oh well, he is behaving and having fun.

Oh, new words and phrases for Caleb: What's up? What? Why? How? Cool. Do you see it ? (He says it when he hears a train) so right now I am trying to teach him "Do you hear it?" Butt. Poop. (Which he uses appropriately) There are some more, but I can't remember them all.

This is what I ate today:

B-1 chocolate chip muffin
S-None
L-A grilled chicken sandwich (Wheat bread, piece of cheese and the chicken)
S-None
D-Marinated Pork Chops with corn on the cob and a buiscuit. I may make some rice or garlic pasta, but we will see.

If you haven't had a chance to, go check out the new blog from Aimee, she has a link to it from Kayleighs site. I am going to try it and see what it brings me. I am hoping it helps on a multitude of levles. Besides, I would love for you to be my accountability partner!

Tomorrow is going to be busy for me. I have to get Jeffs check, cash it, go to Artesia and pay on the X-mas layaway. Come back, get my check go pay mortgate, go grocery shopping, and gosh there is more, but I can't remember.

Crys, I really miss you. I sit a lot of times and remember the last night I was there (more often I sit and think about my whole time there!). I just think that it would be so fun living near you. We could walk together, go to they gym when it is so cold our sweat would turn to ice cicles, take the kids to the park together and cook for each other. I am wishing that I can get there some day.

I tried uploading some pictures but it took forever. I will try later to post some pics of Halloween.

I guess that is it girlie. Jeff should be back some time tonight. I can't wait, it has been so lonely without him.

Love you,
Jenn

Day 2....28 to go...It is a start!

Let me out of this rut!



I have used this blog to complain alot. I have noticed that my focus has been on the negitives in my life all this time and that is not healthy.





So I need to find a way to move along and look at my life as a groing plant and figure out what I want to feed it....Or something lol.





So To start today I did really well. I had no snacks besides for the banana that I just ate. I got gab and Darren out to the park for a bit and even though I did not do much at all at the park I was there out in the fresh air.





I ate





D chicken, rice and peas


S banana





And I told you the things that I had early.





I am about to watch so you think you can dance and I really like that. I am glad that it is on tonight.





Okay....talk to you soon.





Crystal

day 1

So today I ate

B one and half eggs with a slice of cheese on a roll and coffee with two sugars and milk...

For L I am about to have a turkey sandwich with one slice of cheese and some spinach

I did not have a dounut when my gram bought them and did not have apple crisp when everyone esle was having it.

It is a start....And writing down what i eat I know is going to be key. Lets see if I can start a pattern again.

Day one of 30....That's my goal....here we go.

At day 30 i will set a new goal....

gotta get back

I dont know what to say...

I have not been that good at all and I have gained back 5 pounds. I weigh 158 and it is no good. Whatever.

I am going to join weight watchers this week because I cannot do it alone any more.

I miss you and I miss this blog. We gotta get back here. Good job for getting back to the gym.

I will be here tommorrow.

C

Today is the day...

I went back to the gym. I thought for sure I was having a coronary, but 1 1/2 hours later I am still upright and breathing.

I decided I can't just sit back and put on all the weight I have lost. Although I gave into temptation, I will get better. It is just a matter of getting back into the swing of things and getting my willpower back.

I felt left out at work. Someone came into the room and another left, making two people who left the room and closed the door behind them to go giggle with the director.

I sat back and asked myself how am I ever going to get ahead at work? I hardly ever ask for favors, I work my tail off, and am not even looked at for greater responsibilities. What more can I do?

I realized I miss my best friend and her very beautiful state. I miss her kids too.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is what I ate today:

B-Yogurt and oat bran
S-Bagelful
L-Enchiladas
S-Grapefruit cup
S-Twix bar
D-Shepherds pie and 2 biscuits

Okay, so I can tell I need to cut down on my portions, and definitely need to cut chocolate out of my DAILY diet. I will, it is going to take time, but I will.

I'm exhausted, just wanted to check in.

Love ya,
Jenn

Happy birthday honey girl. I am fine. I hope you had a really great day. I slept none last night and my phone is in the car. I am going to just go to bed but if you need me call my house. I hope you had the best bday you could have hoped for!

Sick....

Crys,

I hope that you are doing better and that you've been able to get rid of that nasty migraine. I know when I get them they can last for 2 days, so I am hoping that this is not the case. I hope that Gab and Darren are all doing ok as well.

Well, for the first time I am caught up on my homework for school! Ok, minus one discussion I have to answer in science.

This is what I ate today:

B-English muffin with butter and jelly
S-No
L-Oven roasted chicken, and mashed potates and a small piece of pizza (SO DIDNT NEED IT!)
S-No
D-Grilled boneless pork chops, rice, and beans

I have drank almost 2 liters today, but I nixed at least 1 litre by drinking a large Cafe breve with hazelnut flavoring, but instead of whole milk I got it with soy, and it was delicious!

I have been doing ok on my eating; during the day. I notice at night that I am grabbing 1/2 a bagel or something at night around 11 while I am doing homework, and like last night I had Jeff get me a bag of Peanut M&M's, I so didn't need those. So, needless to say, I weighed in the other day 215.5, but I haven't checked in recently.

I have to say that I am really disgusted with the way I look right now. For some reason my belly seems to be swollen all the time. I know that while I was working out, I weighed the same, but I looked soooo much better. I owe them money and am going to pay it when I get paid, and I am going to renew my membership. I am hoping that when I get done with the Academy in November I will be able to get to it more regularly. I have to, my health and my mental state depends on it. I know that I should probably stop being lazy and walk the kids to school in the mornings. It is cooling off, so I would be comfortable walking.

Speaking of weather it was so cool and fantatic today. If it got above 72 we were doing good, and then to top it off the wind was blowing and it was marvelous. I thought back to when I was there, and how cool it was all the time. So, putting it into perspective you guys were what 50ish today?

I am still sick...I hate the fact that I can't breath correctly, that is a horrible feeling to feel like you are drowning. I am hoping that this will soon be passing, I am due to be back at work on Friday.

I am sooo tired, I have been doing about 4-5 loads of laundry a day, and am not caught up. It seems that when I think I have it under control, I turn around and the hamper is overflowing again. ARGH! Oh, well at least it's not as bad as it usually is. I am proud though because for 2 nights I have cooked dinner and all meals at home. I am bound and determined to stay at home and eat. It will save us so much money, I mean if we go somewhere like Chilis it is an easy $70, at a fast food restaurant an easy $40. Take that and times it by about 5-8 times a month and we are talking serious cash.

So, I told you this last night, but because of the headache I don't know if you will remember. Jeff has surgery on the 22nd, I am taking off the 23rd to be sure that he is ok. I may not get to you as often as I would like, but we will see, I will try my hardest.

Okay, so Caleb has expanded his vocabulary by so much in such a short period of time, he still pales in comparison to Gab, but he is on his way up.

-cup
-cat
-cookie
-cracker
-hi
-bye
-go
-oh no
-uh oh
-cook
-apple
-apple juice
-bop bop
-no

And there are so many more I can't keep up with it. He is doing so well, I just hope it keeps up. I have noticed that he has started repeating after us when he hears a new word, then once he knows it he won't mimic any more. Also, he has a liking to the hard c sound, so I go with that. I do of course try and get him to say so much more, but he learns those words the fastest.

He did the cutest thing today, I was standing cooking lunch and he walked up and grabbed my leg and started patting it. He did the same thing while I was doing dinner, and sitting down after we had gotten done eating. So, he is starting to self-initate affection. It is so amazing to feel his little head and hands against my leg.

Alright girl, I have said enough I think. I am tired, and I am going to sit down with a hot cup of tea, and begin all my science homework for next week so I am trying not to scramble through the week. I miss you and the kids dearly and am working on getting us up there, just be patient with me. I truly believe that is where I belong, and meeting you and coming to see you was my proof. I will talk with Jeff more about getting up there another time, all of us. I think they will enjoy it.

Talk to you later and love you always.
Jenn

checking in real fast

Hey gilr! I have to take a minute to post but I am having this headache control my life right now and even though I took a pain pill it was so bad I still feel it so I know that it is really out of control.

I think that I have been doing okay with my food but I have not been all that strict with having candy. I dont know what it is but I have wanted sour stuff all the time and it must be like sugar withdrawls or something so I have to watch how much candy I am eating and I am not normally a condy eatier so I got to figure it out.

ANyway I miss you alot but cant think or see. I am gonna look up migranes and then go to bed.

Love ya

C

Adam & Aimee

CRYSTAL....ADAM POSTED!!!! AFTER ALMOST 2 MO NTHS HE POSTED! CHECK IT OUT...SAD, BUT GREAT TO HEAR FROM THEM.

THERE IS A POST BELOW THIS ONE!

Checking in

Hey girl, just wanted to post a couple of things real fast.

One, I saw the pic of gab trying to get under the gate, that is so funny. She is such a dare devil! But oh so cute. I'm glad that you feel more safe letting her run around up stairs, it gives you a little bit of freedom to! Not having to keep running after her, you can complete your tasks a bit easier.

Second, I'm glad to hear that you love school, I knew you would. It's just who you are.

Third I laughed so hard tonight I cried and thought I was going to pee myself! Caleb had eaten some frozen yogurt from a local ice cream shop and he was like a guinea pig on crack! He was dancing around and running, but it was so funny because it was l ike in fast forward except live! It was hilarious!

I ate like crap again otday, but whats new? Since I have been back I have gotten soooo baaaddd. I am back drinking Dr. Pepper all the time, and I don't seem to take the care I need to in order to eat correctly. Although, tonight I made my own spaghetti sauce...that's right my own, not store bought. I don't know if you and John would have liked it but we thought it turned out pretty good. I cooked it for about 4 hours, since I forgot that is what I wanted to make for dinner tonight!

I have to work tonight, I signed up for overtime. I work from midnight until 6 in the morning. I have not slept so this should be interesting.

Caleb has started talking so much more, it is amazing to watch! He can say everyones name, and Gosh I have lost track. I mean he still pales in comparison to Gab, but he is on his way!

Alright girl, I'd better get going on something, I don't know what but I have to leave for work in about 1 1/2 hours so maybe I can do some laundry or something.

You are an amazing friend and I hope that you continue to do ok. I am off tomorrow and will sleep for a little bit, but then the Colts are on and I will be watching, but you come first of course. So, once you are done with church and your gram let me know and we can talk.

Talk to you later.

Love ya,
Jenn

oh yeah....

And you will NEVER lose me inless you tell me to GET LOST!!!!

Love yah always so dont feel bad about me worrying. It was just that I did not know why Jeff would say that and then worried that he meant that you would pull away from me and not that I would pull away from you which would NEVER happen...

SEE JEFF YOUR WRONG WRONG WRONG.....But I forgive yah!

Thanks for sharing your wonder wife with another needy soul.....

ah doing ok

okay I think that the post that I was just writing posted by accident sorry I did not mean for it to be posted and I hit something os if it did not go on then it went somewhere esle arg...

But I am doing okay with my eating. just okay nothing to big. I felt really bad when I went to pick up gab today. She was fine and had fun but she fought all day to not go to sleep and there for tried to go all day without a nap. That's crazy. I would not let her so I made her take one when I got home. Which makes life harder for me because she did not want to go to sleep tonight but in the long run she was still asleep by 8:45 so I am happy.

I am proud of bird too he is doing good at school and the teacher told him that he is the best student. I am glad that he gets the credit but dont you think it is not right to tell one student that they are the best? You know he has been told that three years in a row now? gee my fella is smart! I am proud of him.

I am really struggling with the idea of taking the secong job. It is a really hard adjustment to have the increased hours as is....and adding alot more I dont know.....I can do four or six maybe but that is about it....we will see....what I choose to do in the end....Sometimes I think of what you said about having more money to bye the kids things and to take them places that cost money more often. But the thing is that (now I know it is not the same) but my mom used to ALWAYS bye me things to try to make up for stuff that she did wrong. It was never that she worked to many hours but rather that she was mean that day or whatever....Well I would have rather my mother taken me out to kmart at night and walked around with her and not really bye anything. It was one of my favorite things in the world when my mom would take me to k mart at night. Darren only likes to go to the store when he thinks that he is going to get something but I am hoping that Gab will share the love of stores with me....Darren hates to shop inless it is for toys.....lol.

I want to thank you for being my friend and remind you how much it meant to me to have you come here and spend time with me. It meant the world. I really hope that you come back and I dream that Jeff lands a job out this way and you come here to stay! Or at least within a very long car ride! WE can spend weekends at each others house once a month or something. I would love to get to know your kids and watch them grow up....it would be nice to see you with Jeff and the kids. Ah I can dream.

I know your swamped but how is school? I hope that you are finding a way to catch up. I guess this is the hard part about it being online....the time is not spent in the class but behind the computer. SO you are not really saving time but are able to do it from your home. Which with the family can be harder in the long run~

Thank you for your very sweet words in the blog the other day. It meant the world to me and I am going to go read it again when we are done here. I really do miss you. It was the best week....ever.....

I hope you come back to CT....At least next year if not before....maybe this Fall I can bank enough to come see you with everyone but I dont think I can brave it this year....Gab is so little maybe next year. You are so much braver than me I am so amazed by yah girlie!

We gotta try to talk tommorrow. I will be home tomm. Afternoon. Gram is keeping me busy in the morning.

LOVE YA!

Crystal

Sorry....

Okay Crys, I just made a mistake on the computer and it wiped out the extremely large post I had done. DAMN IT! First, I am not pulling away, please don't think that, it was never my intention of making you feel this way. I feel horrible that you feel this way, and to think it is all because of me. I hate that I did this to you.



I am exhausted so I am going to try and make this short and succinct, while still conveying everything I want to say to the fullest. I am really sorry that I didn't call you or at least text you to let you know what was going on.

First, yesterday:

I went to Wal-mart and I got some stuff for Caleb, like a sandbox, a bin with a cover for all of his toys, and some new toys. I also spent 2 hours with Autumn just doing girlie time, and then I came home and Jeff and I stained a piece of wood that we put up today as trimming on a corner of the wall between the living room and hallway. Yesterday Jeff and I grilled out so I was helping with that, I also raked up dog crap in the backyard. I worked on laundry, cleaning the bathroom. I gave Caleb a bath and got him down. I then worked on homework for about 4 hours and finally gave up and went to bed around 11.

Today:

I got up today around 7 and began my day. Jeff and I went to Artesia and put $331 on layaway for Christmas at K-Mart. Then we were enroute to Roswell and just before we went to eat Jeff and I got into a huge fight. I went in and ate lunch with the baby, he drove away. Caleb and I were done eating, he came in and we left to return home. On the way the fight got more ugly and Jeff pulled over to the side of the road and said he was done. I proceeded to get into the car and I drove away, leaving him to walk home 80 miles. I of course turned around after 10 minutes and him calling me and got him, but the fight continued. We got home, cooled down a bit, and then we adhered the piece of wood to the wall. We also hung a huge dart board in a cupboard in the garage. By the time we were done with that the kids were home from school and I had to get them going on homework. 5 o'clock came very fast, so we went to the store and got dinner, I cooked it and then I started on the hell-amount of homework I have. I have worked on it another solid 3.5 hours and it is still not done and I am still behind. I got tired and am trying to figure out how I am going to get this done tomorrow before I have to go to work, but saw the conundrum I put you in and couldn't leave it, I had to respond.

Crys, I don't know if you know how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. You are like the sister I never had. I think about you and the kids constantly, always wondering if all is ok. I worry to no end when you don't anwer your phone, wondering what bad could have happened to you in the event of a nasty fight with John. Crys, you are the only person I am connected to right now. I am disconnected from my mom, sister, Jeff and my acquaintance Jennifer. You have brought so much into my life it is unthinkable of not having you in my life. I am forever thankful for babycenter, and am so happy to have taken that leap to e-mail you and place that first phone call (or did you place it first) either way, I am happy it happened. I love the fact that I took a leap and flew out to see you and am grateful I got to spend that week with you, I have so many memories I carry with me. Crys, just sitting here my eyes are welling up at how much I miss you, and wish that I was closer so we could see each other whenever we wanted or needed. It's days like today that I needed to be close to you, for that shoulder to cry on or for those ever compassionate ears of a best friend.

I too am very very depressed. I hate the fact that I have to go to work starting tomorrow again. I am anxious over the fact that I believe Friday I work a graveyard, get off at 6 am will be home by 7 and get to wake up at noon to be back to work at 2. The thought of that is killing me. I am so tired and that idea is making me very anxious and sad. I have learned so much from you. I am trying to "just be" and "relax" and it is very difficult. As you know I always have something to do and that is starting to piss me off. I would love to just be able to sit down for 30 minutes and drink a cup of tea and relax. I am too am depressed over my weight. I gained 2 lbs in 1 day, up to 219 as of this morning. I told my doctor today that I am going to die fat and unhappy. I have no time to go to the gym to help my weight or to go to a shrink to help the unhappiness. My Caleb deserves that hour it would take for either of those to happen.

I have a breaking heart right now, so bad to the point I can feel physical effects of it. I hate myself for having put you in this feeling of rejection. I miss you so much. I miss being near you and in that beautiful state of yours. I sit everyday and think about how much fun we had and how much more fun we could have and how much closer we could be. I take very vivid memories of our time together with me. I too developed the pictures I took while I was there and have 2 cds made for you, one for each camera. I promised double exposures and that is what I did. Give me a bit to get them out to you, money is going to be tight again, to the point of the overdraft going into effect. But, I will get them to you, I promise.

Crys, the text you sent me about you missing me as much as you miss your mom hit home for me. It meant a lot to me that I mean that much to you, so all I can say is that I miss you as much as I miss my grandmother. And to put it into perspective I talk to thin air, thinking she will hear me and that I will get some type of answers to my problems. I still sit at times and am angry over the fact that I don't have her here anymore to give a hug to. I know you feel these same things about your mom. I don't think I have ever had anyone else care this much about me, and I hate it that I put all of this at stake because I am an idiot and forgot to bring my charger with me, so my phone will be dying any second, and the fact that I didn't call you from Jeff's phone. I am so sorry, I don't know what other words I can use to make sure you understand I never meant to hurt you, or to make you think I was pulling away. I hate myself right now, I really do.

I am asking for you to forgive me. I will make a promise that I will call you everday and at least leave a message for you. If you don't hear from me by about 2 your time, then send me a text or give me a call and see whats going on. If I can't get to you right away I will get to you ASAP. I am so scared right now that I have lost one of the most precious things to me, you.

I will send you a text tomorrow after 4 your time, I have to get to work and get my phone on the charger.

Love you always,
Jenn