Okay,
First I dont know what your day looks like tommorrow but seeing as I still love you. I am going in at 9 my time getting out at two and I would love to have time to talk to you if your around.
Why am I getting the condo....
Because...
Number one: My kids need a place to grow up that is safe, with good schools, and enough space, no drug addict neighbors and crazy landlords. Somewhere they can live for the rest of their childhood, know the kids in their class well, have them over, go to the right school....etc. This place does ALL of that.....
Number two: I cannot afford an apartment that does all the above things and having no money just to rent an apartment looks like it would solve problems but it comes with a whole host of other problems.....
Number three: IF we get the condo and things do not work out....IT IS IN MY NAME...And if we need to seperate.....Then no JUGDE would put me out! OR we could stay here and "try to work it out like we have been" and be no where if it ends....and suffer in apartment to apartment of which they would cost at least 300 more a month JUST FOR RENT.
Number Four: This condo will cost around 950 a month, rent for a three bedroom here is at least 1200 in a half way good neighborhood.
Number Five: I am not happy here
Number Six: It is something I could afford on my own if I had to.
Number Seven: I still have hope like a sucker....
okay that is about all that I can get.
So I need to remind you that by getting this condo I am getting a $40,000 DOLLAR GRANT! I AM PAYING 108,000 for a condo that would sell in another complex for well over 200000. It is a deal of a life time and I need to get it.
I wish you and I talked about this so you understood it better before now and I hope you get it a little more now as to why this is something that John and I need to do for our family regardless of whether or not WE can be A WE!
I am not hoping on Amiee's train for a bunch of reasons. You and I have talked before I believe in god and I am Catholic but I just dont believe all the things that she is saying about the roles of men and women and it just "feels" wrong for me. I think that a self help thing that is not rooted in rules and standards might do me good. I will look into it. I dont know.
But something in me made me so upset. I watched the Rianhha thing the other day and thought about women that are abused. And how they might have stumbled onto the blog or the books or the bible in general and said to themselves I have to stay because of gods plan and a woman's role to her husband and it infureated me. I dont know Jenn maybe I will get there but I dont like the idea and the way that I feel when I think about it. It doesnt matter what she is doing is HELPING people, like you, but not me, not now anyway. That being said I am going to look for a counselor when I get my insurance back. And look into getting anti anxiety pills for ONCE in a while.....Because just knowing they are there is going to help me.
I am so sorry that you are suffering. But I took chances here saying some of the things that I said. I dont want you to fear saying things because I would never hate you. But it is really upseting me that we are not talking. EVEN JOHN who is blind to the world noticed.
I am so sorry that I could not be there for you in this time. I wish I could come over and give you a hug and let you come to my kitchen. The door is always open and I know you WOULD come! I hope that you somehow get through the next few weeks and finish out the semester and that it becomes a done! Thank god kinda thing rather than a task at hand. What's up with work? Sorry it did not get better. I feel bad because I said to you that it would be a good idea to move and I guess it wasnt the best.
What is going on with Caleb that you are worried about? Are his Kidneys okay? Is here still sick? Poor guy....I dont even know! I feel so bad. WE need to talk very soon. TOMMORROW.
GIrl hang in there and Know that I am always here some how. I know I have been less than around lately. I am trying to do the computer thing so that at least we have that while my mind is all over but I am telling you I have lost my keys a thousand times in ten feet the last few days. I have lost it all and it is the stress of my life as it is right now. I know you are fighting through things much worse.
Your one tough cookie...
