Thanks

Hey you,

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. You're right on so many levels that life does get in the way and to be honest it sucks. It sucks because you are part of my life and yet my life here gets in the way of me connecting with you.

I know how hard it is to take care of your gram, and trust me I would not fault you one iota if you complained for just a second about the difficulty. You are doing a fantastic job with her and no one, not one single solitary soul can fault you for what you are doing. Furthermore, when you finally do have to lay your gram to rest, you will know in the deepest parts of your soul that you did everything you could to make sure her life was the best it could be. I am absolutely positive that she enjoys seeing you and Gab and is appreciative of what you are doing.

Here is something someone sent me in my e-mail and I thought I would share it. I sent it to your aol email address, but I know sometimes you don't get what I send you so I thought I would post it on here:

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34.. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44.. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I think that we have a lot we can take away from those words. How simple yet true they are.

I am SUPER EXCITED about True Blood tonight. I know that you are going to a concert with Bird so I don't know if you will even be home to watch it, but it will give us something more to talk about! Just another commonality.

I think what you said about our friendship have the great basis it does that allows us to go for a while without talking is so true. I think we have a great foundation and no one will ever be able to take that from us. I am going to be selfish though and say that I really get...I don't know if the word jealous is right....but I hate not being able to see you or be able to go places with you. Yes, your friends in CT see you seldom but they still have you right there. I am 2000 miles away and take out photos of my trip up there to see you. I keep talking to Jeff about moving and he isn't adverse to it, but we do have to start saving some money so we can eventually make the move up there. It is very expensive to move and although we may have help to move, it always takes more, trust me. But, at least we are on the same page now and have a common goal to work toward. My goal is to be up there in about 5 years. Gosh, the kids will already be 8!

Well, I've caught a summer cold. Actually the baby somehow caught it and was gracious enough to pass it along to Jeff and I. I feel horrible. Stuffed up nose and sinuses....oh well, medicine helps it a little bit.

Jadon is doing well, trying to grow up in a hectic household is proving difficult for him. Jeff and I just keep telling him what the right decisions would be. He is super smart, just like his daddy. He's reading at a 5th grade level already and only going into the 2nd grade! I'm so super proud of him.

It makes me sad to her about Maria's little boy, but hey God prepared her for what she was going to be dealt. That's great. I love the fact that she kind of has oxymoronic degrees! How cool. In reference to me and wanting to do the degree, don't get me wrong I love learning about it and am ALWAYS thinking how I can apply what I learn to everyday life. I even can pick up on some things like out of books, movies, or crime shows. You know me though, I am always second guessing what should be the obvious. I love criminal justice but I also love medicine. It's just so hard to be sure that I am doing the right thing. A friend of mine posted on facebook the other day a quote that said something to the effect of: It is never to late to learn what you want and do what you want to do. I questioned her and said: What if I don't know what I want to do? In which she responded in her very lawyer like way: You re-read the statement. So, I think I just need to go with what I am doing. If it was meant to be another way then it would have happened another way. But it is happening this way for a reason.

I know that one day we will get a break but something tells me we will have to make it happen, it just isn't going to fall into place for us. So, until then, I will look forward to the next 22 months until you come see me! God only knows where we will be in 22 months, but in any regard just to see you will be fantastical! Then, I will continue to work hard and put into place a plan to move up there in about 5 years, so your visit will break the 5 years in half!

Okay girlie, Caleb is laying down, so I am probably going to go try and lay down and rest. I have to start work tomorrow and am not feeling too well. By the way, if you get a chance and haven't done so already, go by Wendy's and get a Mixed Berry Lemonade if they offer it, they are so yummy, cool, and refreshing!

Love you long time.

Jenn

You gotta WANT it.

Hey Girl.

I am so excited to see that you are doing well in school and that we are talking here for at least a bit. Life is crazy and it gets in the way. It is sad but it does not make me care about you less or hurt my feelings I know that we are both very busy being moms. That will not always be the case. I am thankful that we had more time in the beginning to build the solid foundation of our friendship so it can stand the test of time. Just to let you know I have people that I know here in Ct that I only talk to once in a few months and see even less. maybe at a birthday party or whatever. So the busy ness is not because you are across the world it is with allllll the people in my life. Of course besides the kids and my gram and maybe that is part of the reason why others get so little of time seeing as those few people take it all.

I love my kids and my gram dont get me wrong. But it is really tough. Every weekend I go on sat or sunday depending on what I have to do for the weekend and get my gramma from the nursing home. This entails me going there and putting a wheel chair in my trunk.... helping my gramma into the car which involves some serious skill, bringing her to her house or out to eat first.... getting her out of the car and into the wheelchair...bringing her into where ever we are say it is a restaurant then doing everything for her and the kids in the place till my hands are shaking because I am hungry and the food in being eaten by everyone but me then get her back into the car to her house back out of the car into her apt building that has two non auto matic doors that I have to get through and going inside cleaning up and keeping up with her and the baby the cat and taking my gram to the bathroom which is lets say alot of work and then finally taking her back to the car and the place. Now, it sounds as if I am complaining and I guess to some degree I am. Not because of my gramma at all I love her and love seeing her. I guess think that life is hard for me and I work hard. oh, yeah all this with Gabbie and that is hard because we are parking lots etc and I am alone with a three year old and disabled person but the blessing is the days when bird is there. I cannot expect him to give away his weekend so I dont make him come everytime but sometimes he chooses to. He loves his gramma and he knows that it is important to take care of the people that you love. Well. I guess I just wonder if I work so hard and do so much when will it "what goes around comes around for me?"

Blah!

And never say that I dont like to read your posts! Whatever they say heavy or light I love them because they came from you and are you.

Sorry about the money troubles girlie. I know that you have been fighting so hard to get ahead and you guys work hard to and need to see some rewards as well as I do! I know that the car issues are such a headache but like you said the good news is that you do not work a millon miles away anymore. I am glad that you got a new job! Congrats see your work s paying off! That pay rate is great down here so it must be really good out there! I am glad for you and hopeful that it will make some of these money troubles a thing of the past for you and your family. I pray you guys pull of the school clothes thing! You always do. I am sure you will.

Codey, geez, he is giving you a run for your money huh? Great with the punching a girl. It will get better he has a great mommy...he is just becoming a teenager AHHH

Autumn, boyfriend? boundaries? OMG I am not sure I am ready to hear this stuff. GOd bless you. I have anxiety reading it!!!

Caleb, so cute and you playing with him with Action figures for 45 minutes is way longer the I would last Good mommy not bad mommy! Gabbie is trying to get me to help her wash the dishes now so I am going to go in a moment.

What's going on with Jaden?

Girl... I have met some wonder BCBAS with lots of brains, funny you bring up the bar because the one I love is also a JD lol.... Wierd combo kinda... Laws and laws of behavior? Hmm the irony in Maria's life the BCBA is that she did everything right studied hard got married house job great life waitied until 35 to have a baby to be ready worked like the devil with kiddos with autism... Has a baby....And he is autistic. Now, she really needed her education to the max. I guess this is why god lead her in that direction right? So she could teachher son and stand up for his rights?

Anyway I also met some BIRD BRAINS that are, ummm not up to your standard at all and they PASSED THE EXAM!!!! Stop talking yourself down!!! You can do if you want it and so what ifworse comes to worse you have to try a few times. YOU are scoring 90s in your exams and classes etc. Don't tell me that you dont think you CAN do it. If you are not sure if you WANT to that is one thing but you CAN do it if you WANT it.

Love you.

Keep up all the good work with the kids, work, and your therapist. Someday I think we will get a break. Or let's pretend.

Today is going to have to start for me now as I am still in my pjs and have a millon things to do before I take off to a concert tonight with my bird and my sister. Take care love....

Hey

Hey lady,

Sorry I'm just now getting on here. One way I kind of have been avoiding it for personal emotional reasons yet the other way, I really miss being on here and seeing your posts.

First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion at work! It was a long time coming and you deserve it! I'm so proud of you!

I know both of your posts had inferences to your weight and I know how frustrating and difficult it can be. For you it is even more difficult because you are on the go all day long. But you're right about one thing, you can buy an insulted lunchbox that has a frozen gel pad you can put in it and you can pack your lunch. It will be better for you in the long run. Will it not only save you money but it will save you 1000's of empty calories a month! You will do it, you've done it before. I know your schedule is crazy, but I have been told to take my planner and pencil in an hour of exercise for me a day and that way it is just like keeping an appointment. I don't know how heavy your case load is right now, but even 30 minutes a day would be better than nothing.

I think it's great that you're doing so much with the kids. They will appreciate it later in life. You're doing an amazing job as a what could be called "single mother." I know John is there and helps sometimes but you are still the main caregiver. The swim thing is amazing. I love being in the water. Unfortunately here we don't have any public pools that you can get season passes to. We have the natatorium at the High School Gym, but there are always so many people there and even if I could get there early, the police officers go work out there at that time, and there is no way I am going to go try and swim when there are a bunch of men around. But you are doing a great job and even holding wiggly Gabbie in the water is still helping you burn some calories.

I really miss talking to you too. You're right it has everything to do with us being so busy, not to mention the time difference. Trust me there are days where I could really use a shoulder to cry on, a pair of ears to vent to, or just a hug from my best friend, but maybe one day that will happen. Grad school is alot, I'm not going to lie. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I think it is because my undergrad degree was in Criminal Justice not Psychology so what I am learning now is a foreign language. I know you would love to have me get my degree and move up there, but to be honest, I don't know if I am going to be smart enough to take the national exam to be a BCBA. It is one of the most difficult tests out there, I've been told above and beyond the bar exam for lawyers. I'm not going to lie, I would love to work along side you. I think we would make a great team.

You do need to get your computer fixed before school! Then maybe you can find 10 or 15 minutes to get on here and spout off a few little blurbs when you can. I think this is one of our biggest communication mediums. You will be fine doing your interning and your degree, it's going to be a bear, but you are going to do it. I understand 100% about missing the kids and being so busy. Trust me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so moving onto some of my updates:

• Jeff's car broke down yesterday: I think we threw a rod.
• As usual we are struggling to pay the bills
• Caleb smashed his thumb in the screen door so it's all black
• Codey pushed down a girl at the Boys & Girls club causing a contusion on her temple
• I still don't know when I will start at the Carlsbad Police Department.
• And to put the whip cream on the ice cream, I just looked at Kayleigh's old blog and it made me feel so sad.
• I don't know if we are going to have the money to pay for school supplies and clothes/shoes for the kids.

So, there it is in a nutshell.

I think Jeff's car is going to be at least $1500 to fix and there is no way in hell that we have that type of money. The positives out of this are that a.) I don't have to drive an obscene amount of miles to work b.) Jeff and I can figure out a way to share the truck c.) if and when I can get started at CPD then I will be making $21.49 an hour. Someone was telling me though that we pay 50% of our PERA (retirement) dues whereas when I was with the county I only paid 10%. So, I don't know how much money I will be seeing, but I am hoping that it will be at least $1400-1500 every 2 weeks.

Oh, there's more! My mom is getting married August 7th and Jeff has to leave town right afterward to go to San Antonio, TX for a nuclear conference. If I am working at CPD by that time, I am probably going to be on night shift and have to take the kids to El Paso on the 7th and my mom will be bringing them back on the 10th so they can start school on the 11th. Which is when Jeff will back.

I'm doing alright in school, my quiz grades have been anywhere from a 70 to a 90. I am looking forward to the next set of classes that I am due to start in August sometime. But to be honest, I don't know if this is what I really want to do or not. I have NEVER known what I want to do with my life. I enjoy reading and learning about all of this, but I really don't think that I am going to be smart enough to finish and take the national cert so I can actually do something with my degree.

The kids are doing ok. Codey is Codey. Jadon is trying new things as he moves along the ages and Autumn is doing well. She's pushing the boundaries in regard to her boyfriend and stuff, but I think she's doing the right things. Caleb is a whole other story. He plays as if he were Batman/Superman/Bain/Hulk probably 65% of his day. There is a portion of his day where he constantly wants someone to sit with him and play with his action figures, which I do, but after about 45 minutes, I get tired of it. I know bad mommy. Then there are the times where he demands certain things, or cries at every breath I take. He is super clingy at night, no doubt because I have been working.

I too am struggling with my weight. I am back up to 210 where I had been down to 205. I am currently talking to my therapist about this and my self image. Speaking of which, therapy is helping a little bit, I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I get to go.

I have been taking Effexor XR 75 mg for about a month now and I don't know if it is helping or not. I am beginning to think that a.) I am bi-polar and need other meds or b.) I am meant to be perpetually sad and disconnected.

Alright girlie, I am done. Sorry for the heaviness of the post, I wish it was lighter in nature. I'm sure you don't want to read the blah of my posts.

I will make the next one lighter.

Love you lots,

Jenn

hey

hey girlie.

i went to weight watchers last night and I lost a pound and a half back of the weight that I gained when I took the kids on vacation. I am getting super frustrated that it is so slow this time. I have been at this for a while and I know that I am not making all the best choices hence why it is not working all that well. But what I dont get is what my problem is! I know that I am really busy and I am but girl I was doing so much better the last time. I think I just miss you and I know that I need to get more exercise and pack my darn lunch.

Sorry just felt the need to vent.

I hope you are doing well and I hope that one of these days you come on here and are surprised to see a few little blobs. It would be so wonderful if I got to this more often. I know I should and want to. I know part of it is that I still have not fixed my computer which I absolutely need to do before I go back to school!! It is so hard to believe that the summer is half over and that in about a month I will be starting classes again. OMG and the bigger thing is that I will be interning. I pray that I find a way to get through this year of interning working full time because next year is going to be really tough and this year the internship I have is flexible I am not sure that I will get that again. I know that I will have to cut my hours at work next year. SO I want to get the most out of this year that I can. It is sad because I know that I will be so busy and have alot of time missing my kiddos. I know that in the long run it is for the best and I tell myself that everyday when I get up and rush around to leave for work. I feel bad leaving them but what I am going to do I have to work. As we all do. I was thinking about taking the last week of august off to be with the kids but now I am thinking that maybe I need to start looking at the calender and do it a bit sooner.

Summer is flying by. I am sure for you all the more since you kiddos go back to school before mine.

Either way I am about to meet with the BCBA. I wish it was you!!!

Crystal

too long

What esle is new?

I know it has been too long.

but I am at work and had a down moment so I figured that I would pop in and say hi. I have big news! I got my promotion at work that I have been working on forever! I do not know how much money that means right now but the good news is that it does mean more money. However with the idea that there are so many people that are losing their jobs as we speak I am not counting my money yet.

I am okay still continuing to struggle losing this weight that I put back on. It has been insanely slow this time and I do not work out nearly as often as I should. I have to figure out a way to get more activity into my day and I make every excuse for it. I am down about 14 pounds now back to about 173. I hate that a while ago I was 153 and complaining then. Gees.

I am working like crazy and trying to do as much possible with the kids as I can. I signed up Gabbie for a music together class she loves to sing and dance and this is a great combination of both. I signed up Darren for football of course again and now I signed us up for the pool passes at our town. This means that the whole family can swim for the year and I am hoping that this will get some more movement in for me. It is hard though because I still really have to hold Gabbie and she is such a wiggle worm so I dont really swim all that much. Whatever I am moving anyhow!

I really miss talking to you and I cannot believe that this happened. It is not like I love you any less or do not want to talk to you but we both got so busy. I think a big part of it is that the kids are not so little anymore the babies that is so when we or at least I get on the phone the little bit of time that i am home with all that shit I do the kids drive me crazy. I know alot of it is grad school as well. I am sure that you understand seeing as you are in the middle of doing the same thing. I just assigned a BCBA to a case with a child to work with me everyweek for about 4 hours. She gets over a 100 an hour for that work. I wish you would finish the degree and get down here where there is so much work for someone in your field. WE can work together as a team. I can be the social worker for the family and you can write the behavior plan. It can be so much fun.

I miss you and I hope that you are ok and that all your kids and your husband is well. I promise that I am coming to visit you after school. That is 22 months away. I know that seems like forever but girl it really isn't! You know look at our kids they are already 38 is it months so this is less time then that and that time flew! Love ya.

Crystal

Scared

Hey Crys,

How's it going lady? Good I hope. I called you on Sunday to wish you a happy mothers day and tell Gabbie happy birthday, I just hope you got the message. Caleb had a really good day today, nothing special but he spent the day with me (although I was busy on the stupid computer) and we did have a small cake for his birthday. We do not have any money for gifts, so we will be getting those later for him. The good thing is that he didn't even expect it. I keep sitting here remembering 3 years ago at this time I hadn't even gotten to meet him yet and when I did I couldn't hold him because he was under the oxygen tent. I remember how his chest and ribs would contract when he would breath. So sad. But, today he is happy and healthy and one heck of a devil from time to time!

Tonight he was sitting at the computer with the boys and I am trying a new reading enhancement program out and he was sitting there and listening to all the letters, looking at the pictures, and was even able to identify a couple of the letters and was always right when he had to match the picture to the word! The other night he completely surprised me because he was playing with Codey's LOOPZ game and was able to follow the patterned rhythm up to about 5 long. I couldn't believe it. I just let him keep playing because I am sure that it is helping him somewhere in the active brain of his.

So, I am super scared about the classes that I am taking this semester. Much of the stuff that is in the book I have no idea what they are talking about and yet I have heard you talk about it like 2nd nature. I know I haven't been immersed in the field, but goodness, I don't know if I can do this.

Okay, there is so much more, but nothing I want to bother you with. I don't see my therapist for 2 weeks, on the 20th, so I have quite a bit of time that I have to try and get through. He said if it gets bad I can always go in if he has an opening. I'm having a hard time understanding how exactly he is going to help me because he doesn't do inpsych therapy. He said he doesn't because the past doesnt really matter if it gets dealt with or not, in other words he doesn't want to rehash it, rather he wants to give me the tools necessary to deal with the emotions and feelings that I have. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. What do you think?

Have a good night, hope school is going well and that everything is good with the kids.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

Really Fast

Hey,

Really fast I just wanted to let you know that I do not have my cell phone right now because AT&T pissed me off and I cancelled my account. So, I will call you from my home number on Saturday so you have it.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

So sad

Hey Crys,

Thanks for the kind words. It is still something that Jeff and I cry about. It is horrible. I have never had to make that decision and it was a horrible decision. We had him cremated but we had the crematory spread his ashes up in the beautiful mountains of Ruidoso.

This pic is from the Inn of the Mountain Gods and Casino, but this is pretty much what Ruidoso looks like all over the place. We just thought that maybe spreading his ashes would allow him to run free like he always loved to do. We do miss him so bad. When we walk in the door we always look for him and when we feed the dogs we miss picking up his dish and bringing him in. Jeff and I are already looking for another Dane.

Moving on, I am happy that you have kept your weight under control. You are doing such a great job. So it's going a little bit slower than last time, that's ok, the only thing you need to worry about is getting to the weight you want to be at. I really hope that you have a great summer with the kids. Jeff and I are really looking forward to doing some stuff with the kids. The only difference here is that it gets so God blessed hot! We have to be able to do stuff inside. I am really going to work on going to Albuquerque to the Aquarium. I think that would be freaking awesome. You walk under a tunnel while all the sea life swim around you.

So, I have 6 days left in my current semester and am not done with my final paper. I must buckle down and just do it. It's not going to complete itself. I am just having a hard time finding the motivation to finish it. It has to be no less than 3500 words, and I already have 2554, but somehow I just don't know if I can finish it. I know to you that is a walk in the park.

Well lady, I hope that we get to talk soon. I have another counseling appointment on Thursday, so I will update you on what happens, that is if you want to know.

Love you lots,

Jenn

good bye old fellow

Jenn,

So sorry about your gentle gaint. I love you and I hope that you guys are all hanging in there. :)

hey girl

hey girl whats up. I tried to send you two videos today when I was taking a walk by the beach. I dont think they went through because of the size. That sucks! I hope you are doing well. The other night, last night my agram was crying and begging me to go visit her. So sorry that I didnt call you back. My head was kinda spinning. My gramma therapist said that she can go home and that the family has to make arrangements. The problem is that my family is not making those arrangments and so now my gram is like I am just leaving and I dont give a fuck what any of you say.I am going home. But home is to an apartment alone. And she cannot even get onto a toilet alone. So that has me stressed out and I was trying to reason with her to hang in there for a little more at the place but there really is no convincing her. So I am not really sure what that means. Honestly. It is so sad and stressful. I wish one of my shitty family members would take her in for a few weeks while she hopefully gets even stronger. I dont know.

Other than that I am ok. I have alot of stuff coming to the end for school and that is stressful but it is ok. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am so close to done so it is what it is. My last offical class is May 18th which is right around the corner and then I have the whole summer off! I will miss the people at school believe me but I am really ready to have some time to just work and play with the kids. It will be good to not have so much on my plate for a while. Maybe I will actually have more time to chat with you (I know you will be busy with all your work), type on here, go to the gym, and to maybe take a zumba class!

By the way I stayed about the same this week at weight watchers. I was just 4 onces up and given easter was the day before I got weighted that is not all that bad! I wish it would go a little faster for me this time but whatever right?

Anyway I have to go wash gabs hair and get her into bed. I am looking forward to laying down. We were just running around outside for a hour or so and I am ready to sleep more than her! She is in far better shape then I am. lol.

Nervous, Nervous

Hey lady,

I have my appointment tomorrow and I am uber nervous. I was telling Jeff tonight that I have felt "normal" for at least 2 days now and on days when I feel like this I can't help but think I will be doing nothing but wasting money. But, I know I need it for the days when I am doing really bad, and who knows, tomorrow may be one of those days. Jeff made a comment about something for mothers day and I responded by saying: "All I want to do is be normal and happy." And then I cried.

Besides, I hear you on the phone and you are a different Crystal. You're more assertive and more confident in yourself. It's taking some getting used to! But SO in a good way! I really like the way you sound and you make me want to sound the same way. I feel happy for you because I feel like you finally found freedom to be the Crystal you always wanted to be! Great for you! One day, I will be the same way. I feel so bad because when we used to talk I feel like I used you as a bouncing board and a councelor. You always know what to say and to make me feel better, yet I'm wasn't paying you! So, my apologies.

Well lady, I am beat. I did my school work for tonight and I am just not feeling too hot. Not sure if its my allergies or a cold, but I have a sore throat and just feel kind of blah.

You know, I have noticed in the last couple weeks that I don't spend enough time with Caleb at all. I mean I'm home with him all the time, but I don't really spend time with him. I need to get him to the library and read or I don't know something else. My major malfunction is going to be the heat that has started to consume us! It is getting miserable and I am so sensitive to it that the playground is just so unenjoyable. I have to make time for him here at the house too. We have coloring books and puzzles, but I've noticed that he really doesn't play with those very long. 5-10 minutes max and then he is done. Any ideas? Let me know oh great one!

Love ya
Jenn

Crazy Day

I have had one of those days where I am ready to scream, pull my hair out, and go get drunk! Caleb has been fresh all day. He won't stay dressed! Since he figured out how to take off his shirts, he refuses to keep any clothes on but his underwear. It drives my completely crazy. He has cried more than normal today, and is being completely defiant. Oh well, the day is almost over! I know it is bad to think of it that way, but I must think of it that way right now. I hope that you had a great day at work and that school is going well. I will talk to you later. Love ya, Jenn

Thanks

Hey you, thanks for telling me that you have the same problems with Gabbie. You know me, I have a bent sense of reality and believe that I am the only one who has this problem, so obviously I am doing something wrong. I keep working on it. Really fast, if you wanted to buy the products I can get you in touch with, you would need to go to www.bringingwellnesshome.com/jlcwellness and fill out the contact form. I would call you with my mentor and we would do just a short "interview" and then we would get you in for a free presentation. After that we would get you enrolled and you could place your first order by the next day I think. I really appreciate you being so willing to help me out. I love you so much! Alright sweety, I am going to get off of here. I am going to try and work on my paper that is due by Sunday. I don't have any of the resources because I had already started gathering them for my other topic, so I have a lot of work ahead of me. Oh, I am going back to dispatching part-time and part-time only because I need an outlet. I am not a person to stay locked up in a house all the time. I love being home with Caleb and that is why I am only going back part-time. Besides I have to keep my certification active. So, I will probably be working every other weekend right now. After Cara goes back to work from her paternal leave, then I might be able to get about 2 days a week in. It's something right. I am hoping and praying that I can put the money I make into a savings "vacation" account, so we can start taking vacations once a year. But, we shall see. We aren't doing too bad right now. I just saved us $100 a month on cellphones and $30 a month on car insurance. So, it's something. There really isn't anything else I can cut. We could cut out our life insurance, but Jeff has me covered at $50,000 and each of the kids at $10,000. We can't get him covered because of his diabetes, but that's ok. So, it looks like right now I am stuck just paying what we've got. Okay chickie, I love ya. Hope all is going well. Jenn

same fights!

Girl, good for you with your business adventure. I am very proud of you for starting something sp positive and I hope it catches on like wild fire. Can I order things off some site in your name? I will if you tell me how. Anything helps when you are starting out! And I love the idea. Thanks for the info on the wipes. I dont have them in the house and now I wont. I cannot wait for school to be over for me. I know you will still be busy but hopefully things will be a bit earlier. Really, the best thing I ever did was put myself into therapy. BEST THING. If you want to do it...do it. But stick to it. I have been in since November... and I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. I did alot of circle talking sure but it helped me. I really know that this is what is helping me make this change. That and some really great professors and classmates that have helped me realize that I am not STUCK in a cage the way I thought I was. They of course, have no idea that I felt that way in the first place. They just helped me by seeing me. Day in and day out week after week as the person I thought I was and John said I wasn't. I used to think everyone who said anything good about me... you or anyone esle was wrong and John was right. I was shitty. But girl, I know that this is so false. You were right along. And I am not stuck. Am I where I want to be right at this moment, no. Will I be here forever? NO.....!!! This is the thought I hold onto. Gab just got out of the tubbie. I gotta get her before she falls on her face. She had a tough day. And girl Caleb sounds like a boy Gabbie. So, I know your pain. DOnt think I dont care because I am not telling you try this or try that. rather I am fighting the same battles!!!!!

Hey Woman!

I'm glad that you are able to work things out in the room with your therapist. That is great! The more you talk about it the more I think I should get back in there. The reason I don't is because I just feel like I am talking in circles most of the time and not getting anything accomplished, albeit the longest I have gone is maybe a month or two, so I really can't say that I have ever given it a chance!

Well moving onto my business. Essentially I am a consumer direct marketer which means, I promote my business online to others in two fashions: one from a business opportunity perspective and second from a product prospective. I love my products. They are all eco-friendly, no carcinogens, no toxins or harmful chemicals, just pure and natural...well nature! They don't smell as good as the store brand stuff does, BUT they work BETTER and they are natural! Our corporate partner has a line of all natural beauty products, hair care items, stuff for the kids, toothpaste, cleaners, air freshners, candles, I mean they have everything that you use in your house today in a natural element. They have the absolute best vitamins there are! Girl, I could go on and on. I know you don't go on facebook, so I will post some links here for you to check out! The information is phenomenal! http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/household/carcinogens_home.htm That is the only one that I found tonight, but I always look for more information! OH! Clorox wipes, HORRIBLE for you to use! We have an equivalent wipe that is just as durable and cleans better just natural. Prices are comparable too because the products I buy are at WHOLESALE prices! SO, this is what I do day in and day out hours a day, post ads and links and stuff like that so I can try and promote my business! I also had business cards made, made flyers, and am going to start posting those around the city and see if I can't get any hits! If you know anyone who is looking to work from home or are looking for eco-friendly cleaning products spread the word and have them get in contact with me through my website: http://www.jlcwellness.com/

So, moving on. Sorry to hear about Gabbie. You know I NEVER had to do anything for Caleb at night, the second he had potty training down he automatically trained at night too. I think he has had 2 accidents but I think both times he had a fever. But yes, with the other kids I just got a waterproof mattress cover and put it on until they were completely trained. But if she is waking up dry in the mornings then I don't think that you will have to worry to much about it.

Okay onto school. Girl it is so hard for me sometimes. I never thought that I would have such a hard time doing a masters! As you know I am going through Saint Josephs University out of Pennsylvania and it is a Jesuit school. I had gone to another school similar to this and it was just as hard, I just think that the cirriculum at a religious school is more difficult, but I could be wrong. Right now I am taking an Ethics in Criminal Justice class and we started out with philosphers such as Kant, J.S. Mill, and others. We are speaking on such difficult topics as censorship and pornography as well as police brutality. It really is just a bit more difficult. My first research paper is due in 2 1/2 weeks, 3500 words. That's not so hard. My initial topic was going to be Police Discretion: Are ethics always considred. She called me today to talk about it and said that it was way too broad, which I knew, BUT we narrowed it down to Police Discretion in instances of Intimate Relationships. Now, here is the kicker, I mentioned how I had to move to my bedroom because the kids were home and I would need quiet. At the end of our conversation she said: "Now, having 4 children of my own, I know that if I don't put a time limit on this it will never get done, so I need your rough draft by Sunday." WHAT?! I need to do more research and stuff. Well now you can tell what I am going to be these next 3 days or so! But, she was really, really helpful and she talked me through some things, but she did it by making me think and talk it out. She was really amazing and I am so grateful that I have someone to help me!

Next semester which for me starts May 9th, I am scheduled for 2 classes: Basic Principles of Behavioral Analysis Criminological Theory So, these should be quite challenging and yet rewarding. I am sure they ar going to require a lot of hard work! But, I will make it through. Right now I am carrying a 92 in this class, so not too bad for my first graduate class.

Man, let me tell you Caleb is a demon! I read an article on line from Circle of Moms website and they said that to stop children from arguing and screaming that the parents have to change themselves first. So, today I decided that I wasn't going to raise my voice at him, I was going to let him throw a fit and when he was done, we would sit down and talk about it. Well, he had a hard start to the morning because my mom and I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff and he wanted to push the basket. Fine, it's early there really isn't a lot of people there, I'll let him do it. Well he was walking so slow, and I could tell my mom was getting impatient, so I picked him up and put him in the basket. OH MY GOODNESS CRYS YOU WOULD THINK I WAS KILLING HIM!!! He screamed at the top of lungs, he cried, kicked, hit and tried getting out of the basket! I ignored it, thinking nope I am not going to give in and let him out of the basket, I am going to make him stay in there because I am the mother and he is the child. I listened to that no lie for 20 minutes! He finally started to settle down and I let him out. He does this all the time!

I have gotten really good about not giving him too many choices. Like for breakfast I don't ask him what he wants anymore I just make something. I don't always ask him what he wants to drink I just give him something. And for the most part he is ok with it. There are just some times that he can't deal with it and he loses his mind! I have to admit though I only raised my voice 2 times today. So, it is a vast improvement! You know the sad thing is that I love him so much and I hate to see him cry and be so sad all the time, but Crys he is out of control. He cries if he doesn't get a banana when he asks for it, he cries if we won't sit down and play Batman on the Xbox, he cries if we tell him no. I just don't know what to do anymore. My neice tells me I have to be stronger than he is and just hold fast to what I say, and trust me I do a really good job. But it is by far the most stressful thing I have ever had to do!

Okay chickie, I am exhausted like always. I am going to get off of here and go get ready for bed. I KNOW that Gabbie is going to be just fine in her potty training. You will see how easy it is. I am so happy that you finally have some freedom from your relationship with John. You can now work on Crystal and be the person you have always wanted to be!

Love you and miss you tons. Hope to speak to you on the phone one day again. LOL!

Jenn

more info please!!!

SO why dont yah tell me what you are selling and point me in the direction for me to bye some and help you out! LOL! I want to know more about it. And there really is no reason why I havent talked to you about the John thing besides for the fact that I am in therapy and working it out in that room! And I really am not letting those issues bother me any more. I feel a sense of comfidence and relief that it is over. There for I am not worried about it. I just go on with my days que sera sera... lol. I dont know if that is how you spell it but you know what I mean. I dont know about this freshy gab she is so stubborn. She went about ten times but now refused the last three days. I really cannot wait until next week because I am going to take a few days off and work on this hard!!! I am not wasting anymore money on diapers! So she has about 100 left and then there are no more. But maybe a stash of pull ups for night time. Is that what you do or do you just use a cover for Caleb's bed? I guess I should get one of those soon! Seeing as we are finally moving ahead, slowly and stubbornly but still none the less. Lol. CC

touching base.

Hey got your text today. I am doing fine today. Working on sticking to this diet! And it was nice out so I was so happy to get outside today. Yipee. Me and gab just got to take a walk around but it is something. I think it must of been about 70 which to me feels like tee shirt time! I hope you are doing well and I miss you and love you and I still waiting to hear all the details about what you have been up to with work and school.

WOOT

Hey lady,

SOOOOO glad to hear about Gabbie. That is so great! She's doing it! That is all that matters, by her birthday she will be completely potty trained!

I'm glad that you are doing so well in school, I knew you would.

I am so sorry to hear about John and you. That makes me sad. It bothers me even more that you won't talk to me about it. I don't want you going through that alone. I know how hard it is let alone doing it all by yourself.

I can't believe that girl from work wouldn't stick with it. If she has asthma that is all the more reason to do it! Less weight equals less work for your heart and lungs. Whatever. If I was there with you I would so do it with you.

Girl, I hear you about class. Mine is kicking my booty! I flew through my bachelors like it was nothing, but this class is some of the hardest work ever! I just think because it is a lot of critical thinking not to mention it is a class on ethics and morals and values, which is never easy! We started week 1 off reading philosophical things out of Stanford! But, I made it and I think my grade right now is a 92. I have a paper that is due now in less than 3 weeks, minimum of 3500 words. So, about 7 pages, but it has to be substantial content. We shall see I am going to be working on it tomorrow for sure!

I have 2 classes that are starting on May 9th, one I know for sure is The principles of Behavioral Analysis, that should be a lot of fun, I'm looking forward to it.

Girl, my at home business is taking so much out of me to get going. But, I keep working at it. There is money to be made, but again over time. I love it though, and I love the products.

Caleb is still being his devlish self, but he is so smart. I am trying to make him understand things so if he asks me a question and the answe is no, and he asks again, I simply say to him "What did mommy say?" he will answer no and then I ask him why I said no. (I always give him an explanation.) Right, wrong or indifferent, right now I think he needs to know why. He is super smart too, do you know he can already finish my sentences for me? LOL! I can say something like "Where is your....." and he will say "cup, blanket, toy" or whatever the object of the conversation was! It's amazing!

Well chickie, I know that there is more I am supposed to say and more I want to say but it is 1030 here and I am just exhausted. I can't even think straight. So, I am going to get off here and go to bed.

Love you and miss you bunches.

Hey lady. So we had our big presentation today at school and now I am basically done with one class. I still have the online work to do but it is not all that bad and we do have one more class meeting time but even that is no biggie because it is the other two groups presenting. I, just have to sit back and relax. I am happy because that is one more thing off my plate. Seeing as there are so many! Then tommorrow night I have to be up very late working on my paper that is due tommorrow for another class. It isn't all that long but it is a lot of work so that will be a lattttte night seeing as I do not even get home from class until 11. I should do it tonight but for some reason I dont want to. I think because I had so much to do today. I am doing good diet wise this week. Let's hope it pays off. Of course it is only tuesday but I feel refreshed and I am doing it so that is what counts. Gabbie wants me to play in her tent gotta run. love ya.

up up up. I gained.

hey. So this week at weight watchers I gained back .6 so basically I have lost less than a pound. That drives me nuts but I fell off track and I knew that it was happening. See I had a girl that I knew from work join with me last week and I had already been a week in and I was doing okay. But the girl that I brought was so not into it and quit the very next day before she even gave it a shot saying it was to hard and too annoying etc and that she went to the dr and the dr said that she has asthma so now she cant be bothered with doing weight watchers. Makes no sense right? Arg. Anyway so I am in it alone. And I dont go on and on about it but John and I are at the worse that we have ever been no lie but I really am at the point where I do not care and I am just waiting to be able to move out or for him to move out. It is deff. over. There is nothing left at all but maybe every once in a while a little glimmer of something but it is a second a fleeting second and then it is gone. We have barely spoken for two months and when we do it is about the kids and that is it. He tries to get me to give in but I am not. I am not trying anymore. I gave my ring back about a month ago and have no asked for it back once. Surprise! Well, I didnt say anything because I hate looking like a jack ass when I cry to you etc and then just go back. but this time is different there are no more tears. Those days are long gone and so it is not something that I want to waste to much time telling you about you know. But I go on this blog and look at some of the things that I said to you about him and I so long ago and it makes me nuts to think that I waited this long to get to this point. Where I dont give a fuck but I am here no. And honestly in lots of ways life is easier. I dont worry about the lies etc. I just cut him right off when he starts explaining something and say point blank I believe nothing you tell me so I would rather not hear your bullshit. Or I dont answer the phone in the first place. WEll, with all this going on life is tough in some other ways. It is tough because I am trying to balance everything and not ask him for anything. I mean I take time for myself now but alot of that revolves around school. And you know as much as we like school it is not a break not really it is tough. I would say that a few of my classes are break like but I do not feel like all the work is fun. No. A few pieces are. Like this blog we have to go on and talk back and forth with the class etc. that I like. I have a professor I have some type of weird crush. Wierd because he is an old guy. I like old guys lol. But he is just so smart and fun to listen to and complex and wow. And single to Ha! But no I am telling you I am ready to be single. For a long time, I dont even want to date. Not a single drive for a man. I want to work on mememememe. And then maybe some day. That does not mean that I am dead and dont think it might be nice to have someone to cuddle with or whatever I just havent even gotten that far in my head. You know I am so focused on getting out of the rut that I am in it is hard to think about what it might be like to move on. What esle? I think that is about it for now. Gab went potty like 10 times in the last few days so I am happy with that. She is still not offically trained and will have accidents if I leave her in undies. SO I am going to take some time off next week and see if I can help get her over this edge. But it is coming there is a light at the end of the tunnel finally and that is really all that I can ask for. All the sudden darren likes to watch wrestling. I think it is so funny. Omg Gab just cam out from under her blankets and she is naked. I forgot to dress her after her bath. I am so air headed. Love you miss you....

:) Baby showers are bad for dietsssss!

I am pretty sure that I gained back the pound that I lost at my cousins dumb baby shower today. Let's hope not but i dont know. Anyway. I am tired!! Long day and now back to work tommorrow and I am really not looking forward to it!!!! I hope that your day went well. I got your text about little man sleeping in his own bed last night good job!!! I forget is he in with the boys now and days or still in your room? Great work. Gab is still with me by the middle of the night but I am not fighting it anymore. The way I figure it is someday it wont be like that so why stress over it today. It really isnt getting me and gab anywhere anyhow. Bird is at a hockey game with John and it is just me and this little girl. so I am going to go play. Love you miss you.

part tooooo

There is the first part of this post below. Thank god that blogger saves the things that we type along the way because I just wrote that whole post and thought it was long gone. Grr then I waited about a half hour or so and was able to find it in the drafts sections. Thank god!!! That would have stunk and I think I have lost posts before and not been able to find them Anyhow, I am so overwhelmed but not really because I know I can and will get it done but never the less I am spent with all the stuff that I have to get done for school this semester. Really it is something. I have like three papers for one class and a project, a project, a video of me doing a session and a ten pages paper about it and then a revision of that paper and then I have another paper for another class and another project. Geeze... Bottom line is that I am in the final countdown and the classes end in just about a month and then I will have the whole summer off and I cannot wait!!!! I am telling you! I cannot. I will miss school and my classmates etc. but I am so ready to have the break that it isnt even funny. I think I know where I am going to be interning next year, I say I think because I went for an interview and it went really well but the Dr that I met with told me to sit on it and think it over and call him in a week. So I have to honor that to some degree! I am going to call him Monday which I met with him wed. so that is not quite a week but it implys I took time to think it over. anyhow, I would be working with Court appt. Attorneys for children invovled in removal/custody/reunification cases. etc. Basically I am working for the Lawyers that are Gaurdian at lemem I cannot spell that word lol I think you know what I mean. So when they get a case, and they need an assessment of the child and the home done guess who gets to do it and then report on it to the lawyer and the court. Me! I am so excited and I cannot wait to dive into this. I will learn a TON about the courts, lawyers, DCF, our wonderful justice system etc etc. I am really looking forward to the work. Let's hope that I get it!Funny part is that I used to dream of being a lawyer.... lol Now I get to be so close to that but better! AND I can advocate!!!! Rather than keep my mouth shut! Like I have to and sometimes don't at work. So on to the questions that I had for you. What is this business you started? What are you doing? Is it online or something esle? Are you guys able to survive with you at home this way? Good for you! And I am sure that you will fix the mistake you made and move on from it soon. I dont know how you live with that stress girl you are tough. We all have our issues that make us stronger I guess right? I am still going to see my therapist. Let me tell you it is so helpful. So helpful. I feel myself growing and changing. I reallly recommend it to you, and for that matter to anyone, who feels they need or would like it. I am a big supporter of the field as you can see. I want to be part of it! Tell Me about your schoool!!!! K lov you. CC

Hey,

If I had more money I would come. I sware. I think Gab is old enough to understand the idea of an airplane and Darren would love it of course and so I would come. I will start playing the lottery and when some day I win I will book a trip. I sware.

I am so sorry to hear about all the things that are stressing you right now. You gave me some great advice in that some things will just have to wait. I guess in some ways that is what we all have to do. Believe me I make things wait. Gone are the days of me running around trying to keep up with everything in the house. Let John do it. If he wants things perfect and done the second he wants the then do it himself. I am not a puppet anymore, I work hard, I do so much more with the kids, and I have my schooling. So, let him do more cleaning then I do. Oh. The fuck. Well. And that is where we are at.

Thanks for the praise for my gab gab adventure. It is going to be a long road! She is doing it though! All during the work week I had her pee on the potty in the morning and at night. But today we are going to try undies again and see how that goes. Now that she and I have some time together that is. The only problem is that she is soooooo goood at holding it that right now she needs a little help to jump start things like sitting in an inch of water in the tub and then she tells me she has to go and I put her on the potty and she goes. It works right? and everytime is getting shorter. We are now at about five minutes in order to get her to go. Thats not too bad the second night after the flook pee pee lol it was like twenty so yeah it is a start.

Anyhow, sorry to hear that Caleb is giving you a hard time. The good news is that it is totally typical and signs that he is really growing in leaps and bounds cognitively! He is very bright and with that brightness comes a strong opinion. And with that comes challenges for us, the parents.

John just walked in with Gabs dounut.... I read all your info and I have lots more to talk to you about. Sorry about the money trouble. COngrats about the business??? and schooling ??? When you get a chance tell me more about those... I have no idea what is going on with your at home business adventure.

I love you and miss you and hopw to see you whenever one of us gets some money. that being said. I am almost done with my whole first year of school and have so much more to tell you.

And I am trying with the diet. I stopped tracking for a few days. I dont know why I kinda do. My friend a girl from work was going to do the rogram and she went to one meeting with me and droped out. I need you. Your the only real support I have.!

]

LLoove u.

CC

Hey

Hey lady, I haven't been ignoring your posts, I have been reading them, but just like you I am so inundated with everything that I just haven't found time to respond yet. But here I am. First, way to go Gab. I'm telling you Crys it is all down hill from here. She is going to do it on her own. This is the exact same way Caleb did it! So, you can start counting down to no more diapers! WOO HOO! Second, I am so glad to hear that you are being successful on your diet. That is amazing. Just keep it up girlie and you will lose 25 lbs. You watch. I know it is hard to fit everything into your schedule, but you have to try and fit a little bit of activity into your schedule. Things will get better over the summer! I know how hard it is to do everything by yourself and I really wish that John would pick some slack up from you. It is not fair the burden and load you carry on your shoulders. Trust me I was doing the same thing up until a couple of nights ago when I had finally had it with Jeff and told him he needed to man up and be the father and husband that we needed him to be. It wasn't a fight, but I just laid out the truth and he sat there and listened! He didn't yell back or anything and actually thanked me the next morning for telling him so. Ever since then he has been an immense help around the house. Even still though, I am home with the baby all day long and all he does is make a mess. He is in a new stage I guess where he has to be into everything making messes and so on, but I will get into that a little bit later in the post. You need to start looking at things and try to prioritize if you can. I know that everything is important but is it really going to be that bad if dishes are done right away (other than John losing his mind which causes undue stress on you)? Is it so bad if Gab doesn't get a bath one night? Nope, it's not. You need to be sure that you are taking time for you Crys. So, moving on. I really am at a loss with Caleb. He is in this new stage and I don't know how to handle it for the life of me. Nothing seems to help. He is so defiant. I tell him to pick up something, like a colored pencil, and he tells me know and promptly follows by telling me that he is going to throw it. You would think it is just a threat but nope, he actually does throw it. I'd gotten to the point where I was spanking him for it thinking it would make him realize, but all it did was make him more defiant. So, starting today I went back to doing it the way I was and he doesn't seem to be so bad. He is constantly telling me what to do. For instance, he wanted yogurt this morning, so I gave him 2 GoGurts. About 20 minutes later he came back asking for another one and I told him no that it would make him sick and to go put it back in the fridge. He told me: "Will you just open it mama? Open it, I want yogurt." I told him no anyways. He got mad, but I didn't give into him. He is really confusing and demanding at the same time. Let me pick your brain for a minute because Jeff and I are lost as to handle/explain this to him. He loves chocolate milk, I mean loves it. He can drink it 2-3 times or more a day if I'd let him. Well he tells he wants chocolate milk with no milk. We've told him a hundred times that the milk is the base of the chocolate milk. He doesn't get it. This morning he told me again that he wanted chocolate milk but no milk and to put the milk back. He's uber smart though. He knows his left from his right (foot that is.) And he is starting to get his clothes on and off by himself including his shoes. The other day I was busy and he wanted shoes on and I told him to go get them and he put them on the right feet! I'm sure it was by pure accident, but I applauded him anyways. He of course knows all of his colors. He has such a personality on him. I am going to have to record him at times and send it to you somehow because sometimes he is just too funny. He is really loving too. When he sees Jeff having a hard time, like crying because of his dad, Caleb will ask him "What's wrong daddy, why are you crying?" He will ask me what's wrong if I am upset about something and am more agitated than usual. He picks up on that type of stuff. But on the other hand is uber stubborn too. He will not do anything hardly that he is told. I am willing to take responsibility for that though because instead of fighting with him to do it, I just do it for him. OH! And he is a freaking broken record at times! He can say he wants something like ice cream 1000 times if you tell him no. Somedays he will stop after about 5-6 minutes and then other days he will scream about wanting ice cream for 20 mintes. No lie. Talk about having to have nerves of steal in order to get through those minutes. It is all because he is so darn spoiled and now that I am trying to break him of that he just has such an issue with it. Some days I would be willing to diagnose him with Oppositional Defiance Disorder! Let me tell you he is something else. Like right now, he is in the kitchen playing with the dishwasher rather than laying down like I have told him to 15 times. He just will not do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I can't handle all the differences in the kids. One would never think that all my kids could be so different and all need to be raised and disciplined in different ways. It is way too much. Talking about too much I don't know how to handle everything in my life any more. We are financially in a mess because about a month ago I made a $1000 mistake in the checkbook and we haven't recovered from it yet. We are constantly in over draft by hundreds of dollars; like 6-700 dollars every 2 weeks. I am so tired of being home alone and having no adult interaction, and just being stuck in the house all the time. I only have very rare opportunitites right now to get out of the house because it is either too hot or too windy. Add into that the fact that my school is very difficult. I take a couple of hours sometimes to finish just one assignment. It is all philosophically based right now and hard to read. I'm doing ok in the class it's just hard. Then you add in the fact of the house and the laundry. The fact that my children come home from school and throw their backpacks everywhere, their shoes and socks. I tell them everyday to put the stuff in the room right away but it hasn't sunk in now for them to do it on their own. They do the same thing with food. They drop it and won't pick it up. So, I am left with the mess. Now, finally add into it the fact that I have to work my home business at least 8 hours a day to try and get anywhere and I have very little time to clean. So, right now my house looks like a tornado went through it. Something always suffers, always. Crys, I know that I am whining and complaining but I am so exhausted all the time. Going back to a conventional job is not even an option because of the cost of daycare and gas. I know you guys are probably higher in gas than us, but we cannot afford $3.65 to $3.85 a gallon in the truck. It takes $70+ dollars to fill it up each time. I miss you so much. I wish that I was closer to you. FYI, I broke my phone. I got the new one today but now I can't find the old one to get the SIM card out of it so I can put it in to get my new phone working. So, if you are trying to text me and stuff I am not getting them right now. Well, I guess I have complained enough. I am fighting a massive migraine right now and need to get back to school work. I wish you could come see me this summer. I think we could have some great times going to El Paso, the Carlsbad National Caverns and White Sands and stuff like that. But, I know you can't, so I will continue to dream. Take care and look forward to reading your post soon. Love you.

PEEEEEEEE PEEEEEE ON THE POTTTTTTY!!!

Forget it!!!! Gab when pee pee on the potty!!!!!!!!

hey

Hey I was at school for the longest time today and I was driving home I felt really bummed. I have been so busy and I feel like I have not had enough time with the kids lately and it makes me sad. The one thing I keep saying to myself is that I have the whole summer off and god do I need it! So as you know I lost only 1.4 but it is something and I am paying for the best. I would love to lose a little more this week. I am doing a good job with the diet and trying to get some activity in but it is really tough. I just do not seem to have time to fit it all in. Trying to see the kids, do my classes and all the work that comes along with them, work, clean, keep up with seeing my gramma and all that I barely have time to breath!!! But oh it will be so nice to get them summer off and the more I think about it the more I know I can finish this all. In just a few weeks, less than four I will have 24 out of 60 credits done towards my masters. Crazy huh? I cant believe I am almost done with a year! I a telling you it is like yesterday that I got in and the thing is this time flew by because I have had no time to stop. This is why I am really hoping that the summer goes really slow and I am deff. taking some well needed time off!!!! I am also debating on whether or not I should cut down to working part time come the fall. I am thinking that I might need to but then I talked to the girl that is working at the internship that I am probally going to get (I have an interveiw tomm) and she is still working fulltime at the same time but I dont know. Alot if not all of what she does is on the road as well. She does not really have a place persay that she works out of although it is based in the legal aide office in New haven. I dont know. I will know more about it tommorrow and then we will talk it over you and I. My gab, is a great child and so smart but she will not go potty. Why? I dont know! She screams at the potty SCREAMS! I backed off for like two months and she is still so scared to go. I dont know what it is. She is so ahead with so many things and so behind in this. I keep waiting for it to get nice out and then I am going to take a week off from work and put her in underwear and hang out outside like all day with potty trips like ten thousand times a day and hope for the best. DO you have any tips how to make it fun and less scarey? I know she can hold it! She has been doing that since she was about 18 months old she would wake up totally dry! But I cannot get her to let her pee out with out a diaper on... She is so afraid. I dont know I am failing her!!!! My bird is doing good. He is getting to be a teenager. AT ten. TOO fast. Little freshy. He is like staying up late and sneaking the tv on and forgetting to do his homework and being hard to wake up in the morning. All those great teen ager like things and it is driving me nutso! I love him but arg... Love you miss you and thank you for your text this am. I really need you by myside with this! And everything esle too.

still trying

Really hoping that tommorrow when I weigh in that I lost something! Grr. I am so glad that you are doing good again with your diet can you let me in on your secert? And you know what is pretty sad.... I was playing with Gab today and she was running and making me chase her for about 20 mins and it was killing me! She has so much energy and is in mush better shape than me. Much better. Little freshy. I really have to get finished with this semester and then I want to start taking the kiddos to the pool. But first I need to lose some weight because I am not going to go to the pool this fat! Grr. Anyway I wanted to check in and let you know that I am still trying here.... Still trying.

Day 6...

So, I have been following the weight watcher plan for a few days now. I feel more in control for sure. I think that I am doing ok. I would like to eat a little less but it is what it is. We will see what happens. I would like to be able to have a big loss this first week like I have in the past and I dont see that happening. I got your message today about the heat. I am so jealous. I wish that I could feel that heat for a few hours at least and just hang out in the sun. That would be great! I really need a vacation. Some place warm with Sandy beaches would be really nice! I think I got to figure out a way to start taking vacations! I think it sucks that I cannot do that right now. But I have time right? Still sucks! I should take a vacation to NM. And see you guys! Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that I am doing ok with this whole thing. I am hoping to start getting to the gym. I went once this week. It was something. Love you and miss you! CC

trying again...

hey girlie.... I am coming here to tell you that I started weight watchers again today. I am praying that it works because you would not believe how much weight I have gained. I pray that it comes off half as fast as it went on. I am/was out of control and this needs to change! I weigh....188.2..... I am so sad. But this is day one of the last time I do this....let's hope. Love ya. I know you are doing good. Keep it up. I hope we can help each other more now.

Okay.... I tried to make you a video and get it on here. I cannot figure out how to get it but I think that you canfind it on youtube by searching with my email crissie198334@aol.com. Try it! I hope it works!

thank you.

Thank you so much Jenn. I really miss you too. I wish we could go back there again. Asap. That was one of the best days of my life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday. Love and Miss you like crazy.

UGH!

Hey lady,

I know you haven't had a chance to respond to the other post yet, but I just really need to vent.

I think I made a big mistake deciding to stay home with the kids. I mean, it is nothing but chaos and comotion the entire time. It is so bad at times that I can't hear myself think and many times have to stop what I am saying because I can't be heard. I am so stressed. Caleb takes so much out of me. He is demanding, and I don't mean like being tended to, he is demanding. He doesn't ask for things, he tells me: "Go get me something to drink." "You do it." I mean don't get me wrong, I love him to no end, and he is still my baby, but Crys he is just so hard to please. Earlier in the bathtub, I told him we needed to wash his hair and he didn't want to, but I did it anyways, and he screamed.

Codey, I don't even know where to begin. He just doesn't listen. He doesn't want to do his homework, ALL he does is scream at people. He is so cruel. I try and teach him how to be polite and how to deal with stuff and it just doesnt sink in.

Jadon is such a good boy, but has such horrible influences. He is ALWAYS giving something up that he wants (drinks, food, television shows, etc.) because one of the other boys wants it. He is such a lover and is the first one to know when something is amiss. But, he has his moments too. He will yell and scream and God is he lazy. He refuses to clean up anything. I have to yell, scream, beg and cry for him to do anything. And that is stress.

Autumn is doing really well. No meltdowns or real attitude. Just typical teenage things. She is in track now, so much of her time is spent at school training.

You know, and my sister pissed me off today....AGAIN, and I didn't even speak to her. Here's why:

My mom has to be in court for her tomorrow morning at 1030. I had told my mom that I was willing to leave here around 7 so that way we could get down there and they would have time to get downtown. Part of my reasoning is that Autumn has a parent/teacher conference tomorrow night at 620 and I REALLY don't want to take all the boys. So, I was hoping that my mom could at least sit with them while I did this 30 minute conference. But, she talked to my sister this morning and she said that it is my problem to figure out and that she was going to get my mom tonight. Okay, doesn't sound like a problem right?! WRONG!!!

They were supposed to leave El Paso between 6 and 7, it is now 730 and no call from them saying they are leaving. It is at least a 2.5 hour drive in the daytime, at least 3 hours at night (because you have to watch for deer and stuff). In addition it is 150 miles 1 way (300 round trip) so, essentially they wouldn't get back to El Paso till AFTER midnight, go to court tomorrow and then supposedly bring her back tomorrow night. SO, 600 miles later. That doesn't make any sense to me when I was planning on going down anyways and it would have been 300 miles, AND my mom would have been able to sleep for tonight and be refreshed for the morning. So, I have decided that if my sister wants to be the hero, then she can do all the things that I have been doing and I am going to step back.

You know with me staying home my house is not staying any cleaner because I have so much to do between it and the yards; not to mention grocery shopping and errands that have to be run. So, this is stressing me out to. I am not sleeping at night, I toss, turn, dream and sweat to death. I am currently in the withdrawls from the Lexapro which is adding to my agitation and anger. You know how those feel with the electric shocks and the just absolute instable feeling you get. So, that is stressing me out.

Jeff is leaving to go out to Santa Fe tomorrow morning. I am not going with him, so his bandage and packing is going to go almost 48 hours without being changed. I offered to go up there with him, get a hotel room, and just let him stop by in the morning so I could change it. But he said we don't have that type of money and that he will be fine. I am not comfortable with it at all, but there is nothing more that I can do. I told him that the $500 we just got from AFLAC would be more well spent with me going up there and taking care of him than me sitting here and him getting a secondary infection. But, he is not budging. So that is stressing me out.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know you would kill to be able to stay home with the kids and just get your degree. But I just don't know how you or other people do it. I am such a failure at this. That's another thing, I have everything to get into grad school except my 2 letters of recommendation. I have certaintly gotte 3 people to say they will, yet they haven't. This is my future we are talking about, how would they like it if someone screwed with their future?

Caleb has started this new thing where he jumps off of everything. He jumps off the back of the couch to the cushion to roll onto the floor, he just jumped off the arm of the couch to the floor, earlier after his bath he jumped from my bed to the floor. He gets on my big exercise ball and rolls around and jumps onto and off of it. (He's crazy.) I can just see him breaking a leg, and then what? I would be referred to CYFD and that would just do me in. Is all that because I don't spend enough time with him?

Today Caleb, my mom, and myself spent about 4 hours outside, removing rocks and tarp from what is going to become my garden area. Its about 20 feet long and about 5 feet wide. It was a lot of hard work, but Caleb loved it. BUT, he started to help and then after about 10 minutes he said that he was tired and went to play in the yard. We tried to make it a game and load up his tricycle for him to move the rocks to their destination on the side of the house, and he did one trip and we couldn't make him do anymore. What am I doing wrong? Jeff said that he is like a puzzle and we just have to figure him out, but I don't know how. I am a good problem solver but I guess I'm not good at figuring out how to do the best for my kids.

Right now he is saying that a cartoon is not a cartoon. UGH!

When will it stop Crys? You know, I have been reading a book, the purpose driven life and it says so much to me, yet at times like this I fail God by not believing that everything will be okay and that He will take care of me. How can I send it up to Him and just release everything. God himself knows that is what I want so badly.

You know and I am so envious of people right now. Aimee posted on facebook a picture of Las Vegas from her hotel room and it was beautiful. One of my other friends is going to be going to Alabama for a family reunion and her grandmothers 75th birthday. You know, I am not going to be travelling anytime soon and I don't have my grandmother anymore.

Okay, I am just about in tears. Sorry to bog you down with all of this, but I more or less really just needed to vent.

I miss and love you guys more than you know or words can express.

Take care.

Love ya,
Jenn

I think I'm in trouble....

Hey you,

How's everything going? I hope that it is going well. I really hope that gram is getting treated better and that physical therapy is going good. How is Gab with her sickness? I think she shared it with me because I am sick right now. Nothing really bad, just a sore throat, runny nose, a little bit of a cough and I'm tired.

Well, I think that I am in a lot of trouble. Words that we have exchanged in the past is hitting home and true right now and I really need to tell you about it. I really want you to analyze this and tell me what you think. I will try and be as clear as crystal when I tell you what is going on.

You have told me time and time again that when the children's actions begin to get into the way of normal living that it is time for intervention. Well, I think I'm there and have been for some time. Let's see if I can get this out in a fashion that will give you a good understanding of why I think there is a problem.

1.) Caleb almost refuses to wear any type of underwear besides Batman. I have to practically bribe him and lie to him about where his Batman underwear are. I tell him things like they are in the washer, when in fact they are in the dirty clothes. At least I haven't gotten to the point of doing a special load of laundry or going to the store to buy him more Batman underwear.

2.) Caleb and all the kids really, have control of the television. Jeff and I can never watch a television show without someone getting mad, crying or yelling about wanting to watch cartoons. In Caleb's case, he is into watching movies right now and always wants to watch the same 2 movies. So, in order to keep him from screaming and stuff, we give in (I know it's wrong) and let him watch a movie, or bribe him to watch the cartoons with the kids.

3.) Caleb absolutely refuses to do almost anything that he is told to do. He doesn't take a nap (well sometimes, at like 3-4 pm and then he is up till 11), he doesn't pick up his toys, he doesn't throw things away. Point in case: tonight, he didn't want his cheese stick anymore so I told him to pick it up off the couch and go throw it away. He looked at me and said "You throw it away." So, I took him by the hand, walked him over to the trash, and forced him to throw his cheese stick away. Even then he told me: "You threw it away."

4.) It is so bad that on some occassions we will be getting him dressed, and we have always counted "1 leg, 2 legs" with him; well, now he says "That isn't my 1 leg this is my one leg." (Imagine his left one being the first leg and the right being the 2nd, he gets very adamant on which is what.) So, we take off his pants and re-do it.

5.) He doesn't eat at specified times. Again, my fault. He has always eaten like a bird throughout the day, picking from time to time. Lately because I do the menu's (which I still need to e-mail you) I usually only by food to go for the menus, and cook the meals that are on the menu, and only allow snacks that have been ear marked. So, Jeff or I usually end up going to the store to get more snacks.

6.) He will not sleep in his bed. So, we started letting him fall asleep on the couch (at his convenience of course) and then Jeff and I would at least be able to get a couple of hours of peaceful rest while he is in the living room.

I know that most of this is my fault. I give in, I don't have a good enough schedule, etc. I know all this. What I don't know is how to curtail all of this, but I am at my wits end. I know that I NEED to get all those things in order, but ALL of the kids are plain oppositional to everything I try and instill. He RULES almost everything I do. Sometimes, I can't get going in the mornings because he won't let me take a shower, get him dressed, or get out the door.

I know some of the things are cute, and it shows his indpendence, but Crys, it is crazy here in my house. I told my mom tonight "When will I be able to sit down at night have a cup of coffee and just relax?"

I sometimes think that maybe I am just exaggerating, but I don't know.

Moving on.....

This morning, Jadon woke up and again was complaining of chest/stomach pains. So, I kept him home AGAIN and took him into the doctor. The doctor ordered a blood test and x-rays of his belly because he thinks that with Jadon being so rough and tumble, not to mention how he fights with Codey, and taking into account that maybe he fell onto his handlebars, that somehow his pancreas got PUNCTURED and is LEAKING pancreatic enzymes into his abdominal cavity which is causing his stomach pain. So, we won't know anything for at least 2 days, when all the test results will get back. On the up side of this, the body will heal itself. If it is too severe then they will put him on steroids. IF it is not a pancreatic injury, then they think that it is going to be bruised organs, again caused from the same things.

Okay lady, I think that is it. I'm sorry it has been a woe-is-me kind of post, but I had to get it out of my head and onto "paper" (screen).

I miss ya and love ya dearly. Wish I was closer.

**Caleb was just told to lay down and he said in a very snarky tone: "I'm going to pet Titan."**

Jenn

You're aunt is right

Crys,

You're aunt is totally dead on with what she said. You are no good to anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. I believe that we had that same conversation earlier when you had expressed the idea of getting people to cover your grams visits on days other than when you go. In addition, but you have 2 kids at home along with John who all need you as much if not more than your gram does, just in different ways. AND we can not forget that Crys needs Crys. So, stop the madness now, because you never know when I might need you in the future! LOL!

Love ya,
Jenn

what my aunt said

Today, I was talking with my aunt about all the stress that I have on my plate right now and how I am just feeling so over extended and spent and she said something to me that hit home. She pointed out that I am doing the same thing that my mother did when my grandfather was ill and that it was part of what made her put her own needs aside and pass away. Not that it was anyone esle's fault but she let things get her down to a point where she did not take care of herself at all and i see it clear as day. That is just what I am doing and it needs to stop before it is too late. So tommorrow I am going to start down this path again come hell or high water and it is going to be really tough but what good am I to those that I love if I am not here at all?