Hey lady,
I know you haven't had a chance to respond to the other post yet, but I just really need to vent.
I think I made a big mistake deciding to stay home with the kids. I mean, it is nothing but chaos and comotion the entire time. It is so bad at times that I can't hear myself think and many times have to stop what I am saying because I can't be heard. I am so stressed. Caleb takes so much out of me. He is demanding, and I don't mean like being tended to, he is demanding. He doesn't ask for things, he tells me: "Go get me something to drink." "You do it." I mean don't get me wrong, I love him to no end, and he is still my baby, but Crys he is just so hard to please. Earlier in the bathtub, I told him we needed to wash his hair and he didn't want to, but I did it anyways, and he screamed.
Codey, I don't even know where to begin. He just doesn't listen. He doesn't want to do his homework, ALL he does is scream at people. He is so cruel. I try and teach him how to be polite and how to deal with stuff and it just doesnt sink in.
Jadon is such a good boy, but has such horrible influences. He is ALWAYS giving something up that he wants (drinks, food, television shows, etc.) because one of the other boys wants it. He is such a lover and is the first one to know when something is amiss. But, he has his moments too. He will yell and scream and God is he lazy. He refuses to clean up anything. I have to yell, scream, beg and cry for him to do anything. And that is stress.
Autumn is doing really well. No meltdowns or real attitude. Just typical teenage things. She is in track now, so much of her time is spent at school training.
You know, and my sister pissed me off today....AGAIN, and I didn't even speak to her. Here's why:
My mom has to be in court for her tomorrow morning at 1030. I had told my mom that I was willing to leave here around 7 so that way we could get down there and they would have time to get downtown. Part of my reasoning is that Autumn has a parent/teacher conference tomorrow night at 620 and I REALLY don't want to take all the boys. So, I was hoping that my mom could at least sit with them while I did this 30 minute conference. But, she talked to my sister this morning and she said that it is my problem to figure out and that she was going to get my mom tonight. Okay, doesn't sound like a problem right?! WRONG!!!
They were supposed to leave El Paso between 6 and 7, it is now 730 and no call from them saying they are leaving. It is at least a 2.5 hour drive in the daytime, at least 3 hours at night (because you have to watch for deer and stuff). In addition it is 150 miles 1 way (300 round trip) so, essentially they wouldn't get back to El Paso till AFTER midnight, go to court tomorrow and then supposedly bring her back tomorrow night. SO, 600 miles later. That doesn't make any sense to me when I was planning on going down anyways and it would have been 300 miles, AND my mom would have been able to sleep for tonight and be refreshed for the morning. So, I have decided that if my sister wants to be the hero, then she can do all the things that I have been doing and I am going to step back.
You know with me staying home my house is not staying any cleaner because I have so much to do between it and the yards; not to mention grocery shopping and errands that have to be run. So, this is stressing me out to. I am not sleeping at night, I toss, turn, dream and sweat to death. I am currently in the withdrawls from the Lexapro which is adding to my agitation and anger. You know how those feel with the electric shocks and the just absolute instable feeling you get. So, that is stressing me out.
Jeff is leaving to go out to Santa Fe tomorrow morning. I am not going with him, so his bandage and packing is going to go almost 48 hours without being changed. I offered to go up there with him, get a hotel room, and just let him stop by in the morning so I could change it. But he said we don't have that type of money and that he will be fine. I am not comfortable with it at all, but there is nothing more that I can do. I told him that the $500 we just got from AFLAC would be more well spent with me going up there and taking care of him than me sitting here and him getting a secondary infection. But, he is not budging. So that is stressing me out.
I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know you would kill to be able to stay home with the kids and just get your degree. But I just don't know how you or other people do it. I am such a failure at this. That's another thing, I have everything to get into grad school except my 2 letters of recommendation. I have certaintly gotte 3 people to say they will, yet they haven't. This is my future we are talking about, how would they like it if someone screwed with their future?
Caleb has started this new thing where he jumps off of everything. He jumps off the back of the couch to the cushion to roll onto the floor, he just jumped off the arm of the couch to the floor, earlier after his bath he jumped from my bed to the floor. He gets on my big exercise ball and rolls around and jumps onto and off of it. (He's crazy.) I can just see him breaking a leg, and then what? I would be referred to CYFD and that would just do me in. Is all that because I don't spend enough time with him?
Today Caleb, my mom, and myself spent about 4 hours outside, removing rocks and tarp from what is going to become my garden area. Its about 20 feet long and about 5 feet wide. It was a lot of hard work, but Caleb loved it. BUT, he started to help and then after about 10 minutes he said that he was tired and went to play in the yard. We tried to make it a game and load up his tricycle for him to move the rocks to their destination on the side of the house, and he did one trip and we couldn't make him do anymore. What am I doing wrong? Jeff said that he is like a puzzle and we just have to figure him out, but I don't know how. I am a good problem solver but I guess I'm not good at figuring out how to do the best for my kids.
Right now he is saying that a cartoon is not a cartoon. UGH!
When will it stop Crys? You know, I have been reading a book, the purpose driven life and it says so much to me, yet at times like this I fail God by not believing that everything will be okay and that He will take care of me. How can I send it up to Him and just release everything. God himself knows that is what I want so badly.
You know and I am so envious of people right now. Aimee posted on facebook a picture of Las Vegas from her hotel room and it was beautiful. One of my other friends is going to be going to Alabama for a family reunion and her grandmothers 75th birthday. You know, I am not going to be travelling anytime soon and I don't have my grandmother anymore.
Okay, I am just about in tears. Sorry to bog you down with all of this, but I more or less really just needed to vent.
I miss and love you guys more than you know or words can express.
Take care.
Love ya,
Jenn
