Fast check

Crys,

Just wanted to say that I miss you and hope that you and Gab are feeling better. I work tomorrow and Thursday (only till 2) then we are heading to El Paso. I am hoping to hear from you at least on Thanksgiving, if I don't then I will conclude that I am out of your circle.

Get to feeling better.

Jenn

Possible Multiple Posts

Crys,

I just wanted to jump on here right fast and tell you that I have done better with my eating today:

B-2 pancakes no syrup and a small portion of applesauce
L-Chicken rice soup and I added in spinach (It was delicious)
D-Not sure yet

I think Caleb is sick again....he has been really whiney and he has a bad runny nose. I gave him some decongestant this morning and he slept for about an hour. So, I am going to keep an eye on him.

Talk to you later...love you...CALL ME!

Jenn

Availabiltiy

Crys,

I wanted to check in real fast. I am still not doing ok. I feel weird, I've never felt like this before. I am a jumbled mess, a real mess. I almost feel like I need some serious drugs to make me normal again. I know that I feel something similar to this when I get stressed and really really overwhelmed, so I am hoping that I am just all that and then some!

UGH I have that song papparzzi by Lady Gaga in my head....."I'm your biggest fan...."

Okay, so anyways I really hope that Donna is doing better, I am sorry that she is in so much pain, I hope that they can fix whatever it is giving her the problems.

Your text earlier has me thinking crazy things about why we need to talk asap! What is going on? Oh boy.

Anyways, I am off tomorrow and am going to be running around like crazy. Friday, Jeff and I are leaving at like 815 my time and going to El Paso. Wes hould be there around 1100 my time, and Caleb has his ultrasound at 130 my time, Jadon is to be seen at 400 my time. Depending on what goes on, I should be back on Friday late, and then am supposed to work Saturday and Sunday day shift. I am going to be freaking tired.

I think you had asked what was going on at work, and I am just plain sick of the bullshit from the supervisors, the boss, the soon-to-be and wanna be supervisors. I am just tired of the "favorites" card being played all the freaking time. Good Lord. I mean honestly, I am only 4 months "younger" than one of the girls that I work with. She was hired in April, me in September, and she already sits in on interview boards...INTERVIEW BOARDS! That is where 6 people sit around a large table and interview the candidates one by one. WTF! So, I am tired of seeing that I am going to go nowhere, and am not particularly cared for.

Also, I can't bring myself to go out of town for 3 weeks to go to the academy in Santa Fe come January. So, I am hoping that I can find another job by then. If not, then I am going to go and get certified, come back make me some money and just wait to graduate.

I was thinking that I could talk to Jenny, but I don't know how to bring it up. I mean after all she is part of them. She is like the queen bee of them. They all follow her lead! Then you have Stephanie who is best friends with Supervisor Alexis, who is Jennys right hand woman...so as you can see it is like some kind of sick love triangle, of which I am a bug caught in the web from hell, stuck and I can't get out.

Okay, girlie. I am trying to work on some school but didn't want you to think that I had forgotten about you, because that will never happen. Give the kids a hug for me and tell them I miss them. I will talk to you soon.

Love you bunches,
Jenn

P.S. I haven't done all that well on my eating either, but tomorrow is another day to try.

here and so what.....

I am here.

I am here.

i am here.


I dont know what esle to say becuase I have done nothing good with my eating so I will just telling you something esle.

I had to go get my liscense today and then go to the court and get a copy of my child support paperwork. At least that is all done now. I am glad to have it out of the way seeing as I had no lisence for the longest time.

Any way.

I love ya and miss you.\

And I had a few drinks this evening.

We didnt talk today.'

I am sad about that.

Love ya\

c

A tough cookie.....

Okay,


First I dont know what your day looks like tommorrow but seeing as I still love you. I am going in at 9 my time getting out at two and I would love to have time to talk to you if your around.

Why am I getting the condo....

Because...

Number one: My kids need a place to grow up that is safe, with good schools, and enough space, no drug addict neighbors and crazy landlords. Somewhere they can live for the rest of their childhood, know the kids in their class well, have them over, go to the right school....etc. This place does ALL of that.....

Number two: I cannot afford an apartment that does all the above things and having no money just to rent an apartment looks like it would solve problems but it comes with a whole host of other problems.....

Number three: IF we get the condo and things do not work out....IT IS IN MY NAME...And if we need to seperate.....Then no JUGDE would put me out! OR we could stay here and "try to work it out like we have been" and be no where if it ends....and suffer in apartment to apartment of which they would cost at least 300 more a month JUST FOR RENT.

Number Four: This condo will cost around 950 a month, rent for a three bedroom here is at least 1200 in a half way good neighborhood.

Number Five: I am not happy here

Number Six: It is something I could afford on my own if I had to.

Number Seven: I still have hope like a sucker....

okay that is about all that I can get.

So I need to remind you that by getting this condo I am getting a $40,000 DOLLAR GRANT! I AM PAYING 108,000 for a condo that would sell in another complex for well over 200000. It is a deal of a life time and I need to get it.

I wish you and I talked about this so you understood it better before now and I hope you get it a little more now as to why this is something that John and I need to do for our family regardless of whether or not WE can be A WE!

I am not hoping on Amiee's train for a bunch of reasons. You and I have talked before I believe in god and I am Catholic but I just dont believe all the things that she is saying about the roles of men and women and it just "feels" wrong for me. I think that a self help thing that is not rooted in rules and standards might do me good. I will look into it. I dont know.

But something in me made me so upset. I watched the Rianhha thing the other day and thought about women that are abused. And how they might have stumbled onto the blog or the books or the bible in general and said to themselves I have to stay because of gods plan and a woman's role to her husband and it infureated me. I dont know Jenn maybe I will get there but I dont like the idea and the way that I feel when I think about it. It doesnt matter what she is doing is HELPING people, like you, but not me, not now anyway. That being said I am going to look for a counselor when I get my insurance back. And look into getting anti anxiety pills for ONCE in a while.....Because just knowing they are there is going to help me.

I am so sorry that you are suffering. But I took chances here saying some of the things that I said. I dont want you to fear saying things because I would never hate you. But it is really upseting me that we are not talking. EVEN JOHN who is blind to the world noticed.

I am so sorry that I could not be there for you in this time. I wish I could come over and give you a hug and let you come to my kitchen. The door is always open and I know you WOULD come! I hope that you somehow get through the next few weeks and finish out the semester and that it becomes a done! Thank god kinda thing rather than a task at hand. What's up with work? Sorry it did not get better. I feel bad because I said to you that it would be a good idea to move and I guess it wasnt the best.

What is going on with Caleb that you are worried about? Are his Kidneys okay? Is here still sick? Poor guy....I dont even know! I feel so bad. WE need to talk very soon. TOMMORROW.

GIrl hang in there and Know that I am always here some how. I know I have been less than around lately. I am trying to do the computer thing so that at least we have that while my mind is all over but I am telling you I have lost my keys a thousand times in ten feet the last few days. I have lost it all and it is the stress of my life as it is right now. I know you are fighting through things much worse.

Your one tough cookie...

ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY

Crystal,

Nothing you said about the whole Aimee blog has me upset. That is also not the reason I haven't been on here. To be honest, I am just too damn busy. Not to mention, that I am completely depressed, angry, anxious and ready to give up on everything. I don't want anything anymore.

I know that you said that you wanted to focus on being positive, but I just have to vent.

First, I am a concerned that you are willing to sign a deal for a condo with a partner that is not healthy for you, but yet you won't give Aimees blog a try. I just wonder how you are going to make it work after you sign on the condo, and all hell breaks loose again. I'm not saying that doing any of the things that Aimee is saying will work, or anything at all will work. I understand what you're saying, and yes to a point it is putting the "victim" in a more delicate situation. I know this. But it bothers me that you will sign your life for 20 or 30 years with someone that isn't good for you. You, my dear, are putting yourself in a predicament that scares the hell out of me. Please don't take this as me being rude, or trying to make you change your mind or anything. I am just being honest. I really hope that things are going really well for you right now, and continue to. I hope that all the kids are healthy and doing well.

Secondly, I won't know anything on Jadon until after Friday. That is provided that the Dr. even sends him for tests that we will get the results right away. So, once I know what is going on with him, you will be the first to know. I will send you a short text letting you know the basics of everything.

Third, I am really fed up with a lot of stuff lately. I hate going to work, I hate the fact that we don't talk, I hate the fact that I hate being alive. I hate that I have to fight everyday for such simple things. I hate not knowing what is going to happen with Jadon or Caleb. I hate that my kids back talk me so much and all I seem to do is yell, to the point where I feel like I am going to have a stroke. I hate the fact that Jeff and I have no time together for anything. I hate the fact that I have no motivation to tackle school right now. At this point in time I don't care if I ever finish, I don't have the strength or the brain power to do it. Ihate the fact that Codey cannot seem to do any type of work on his own to be able to pass. I hate the fact that the school can sit down and make goals put no implementation of how to reach those goals. I hate the fact that I am always so God damned tired. I that I am so fat, and can't get any type of motivation to go to the gym, or even eat a decent meal. I hate the fact that I am so fucking broke right now that I don't even have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.

And the list can go on and on. Crys, I am just really frustrated right now, and if I had the guts, I would just throw in the towel and say fuck it all. I am really very tired of things right now. (Like you couldn't tell from the VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY ANGRY post.)

Crys, I am just forewarning you that I am not going to be a good friend right now. And, if you never want to talk to me again, I will understand. I do miss you, very very much. I miss talking to you. I miss seeing you. Hell everything I am saying right now I would screaming and crying in your kitchen about.

I am sorry about this posting. I really am... and no I don't feel any better, but I think you get the picture of how fucked I am and things are right now.

I love you, to the ends of this Earth.

Jenn

ALLLL BYYYYY MYYYSELLLLFFFFF

I still think that I am right. I have not changed my mind. And I will stand alone.

Anyway.

I have recieved the condo docs and the resale paperwork. Another step in the process and they look okay. I had to laugh at a few of the things in the rules. They are so specific but you can tell that they have to be since they must have had alot of problems with things and had to fix them some how. The first page for example was about dogs and their poop.

I hope you dont hate me and that is not why you have not said a word to me here since I made it a point to boycot the efforts of the womens ministry. Again I think it is a great thing but not for all women and certainly not for those with someone that is not a healthy mate. God doesnt want that and if a woman in that position is told that then it can cause alot of additional heart ache guilt and pain.

I hope that the kids are well and that you are doing good and continueing on your mission of marriage. I hope that you got some answers for Jadon and that I get to talk to you soon so that I understand what is going on. At this point I have found out that I am really getting close to having more than enough room to house you and your family when you come visit but lol I read in the rules that your car cannot be parked for more than 4 hours without a pass lol....that killed me so on holidays what do you do????? I just think it is something that we will have to learn what the REAL rules are like what is it really like to live there you know

WEll I have to tell you that the diet went out the window and I have no clue what I weight because of the scale issue. It is killing ME! I will tell you this I am not even going to worry about it until we have the closing of the confo. Why you ask becuase it is WAY to much to worry about right now and I have to finish this class and have 35 pages to write for it by dec 5 for the first 25 and the 12 for the rest. So I am losing my keys left and right and just really over whelmed right noe and I have decided that I will do my best but relax aa littlle until I can focus again.

I miss you.

C

No. NO NO NO wait it is not okay!!!!!!

The message that I deleted needs to be said. But I dont want you to take it personal as it is not to you but it is inside me and I need to put it here.

To all those that are in an abusive relationship with a husband or boyfriend and are staying there becuase God tells you that you should or that the bible says that our (woman's) purpose is to respect and serve our husbands.....This IS WRONG! DO NOT think that God WANTS you to waste your time here on earth catering
to someone who treats you like trash....DO NOT think that GOD would give you the PRECIOUS gift of life only to make it be terrible.

GET OUT, somehow as I struggle to do on a day to day basis. So I know it is not easy. But a woman does not deserve to be abused and have to stomach it and treat her abuser well because God said so. I dont care what FIRE I light by saying this or who hates me.

I DONT CARE.

GOD LOVES YOU AND AN ABUSIVE HUSBAND DOES NOT.

I am not doing it. I wont give up what little is left for him, for god, for anyone.

God and I have a good relationship and I know that this is not what he wants for me or any other woman that is being held down like me.

Crystal

deleted

I just typed up a message and delelted it. Just know that I am struggling with "god's plan" and Aimee's blog. I think that it is great that it is helping some but I think that the whole thing blames the vicitm and focuses on fixing abusive relationships under the excuse that god wants us to. I think that if you are with an abuser you should not have to cater or try to get the relationship better. You have to see the message that blogs and books like this are passing onto to people like well me.

That was a little like what I typed in the first place but a little different.

But I have to say I dont believe that God planned for Jadon to be going through this or you and jeff to feel this pain. Because I dont think God hurts innocent children. That being said...

I am praying for Jadon and his Big heart.....I knew he was a lover. You need to call me because I miss you and you need me and I need you so please call me. Or email me or whatever or text. I miss you so.

I know that if you ever needed to travel out here for some reason I would be here and you can all stay with me. I will give you my room and sleep on the couch. I would do anything to help you in all this. Tell me more what is going on? Why does little Jadon know all this already? Did they scare him? He shouldnt have to be afriad because you dont know if there is anything at all wrong right or am I wrong? Gee I feel like a bad friend I have no idea what is going on.

I am here when you need me and girl please dont worry about your eating. You get through all this and then worry now is not the time. at all.

I miss you and love you and

I am eating bad and cannot weigh myself because the scale broke. It is so bad for what I like to do. Grr.

Okay......Love you.

Rest when you can.

c

Rainbow of emotions

If ever there were a rainbow of emotions I probably have each and every one of them wrapped up in me right now. I am angry that Jadon may be sick, I am scared that we will lose him, I am nervous to go to El Paso and get the tests done, I am hopeful that nothing is wrong. It scares me to death to think of the things that could happen to him, and I know the operative word being "could". But you know, I can't help it. I sit now and rather than watching his handsome, fragile face while he is sleeping; I am counting his pulse, feeling for abnormalities in the push of blood through the tiny veins in his wrist. Rather than worrying about the dirt that is under his fingernails, I am looking for signs of cyanosis. Rather than asking him how his day is, I ask him if he has had any problems and how he is feeling. Do you have any clue what it feels like to have your sweet 5 year old tell you he is scared to die? That he doesn't want to die? I am going to be batshit crazy by the time this is all done.

I was feeling his pulse last night and there was an extra beat and a missed beat from time to time. It did not feel like a normal beat to me at all. But, I do not have M.D. behind my name.

Because of all of this I am eating the worst I ever have.

Take yesterday for instance:

B-6 mini chocolate donuts
S-Hersheys with almonds bar
L-Bacon chicken ranch sandwich from Dominos and BOTH lava cakes
D-3/4 of a quesadilla from Taco Bell

Total Calories: Ballpark of 2500 with nothing that was of nutritional value.

I am trying today again though....

B-Fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds along with an apple walnut salad a large vanilla iced coffee

Not sure what I am doing yet for lunch, but we shall see.

Crys, I am really happy for you on the condo. Just be sure to keep it in the back of your mind that I may need to rent a room from you in case there is something wrong with Jadon and I make the decision to take him to Yale for treatment! Besides I would need you next to me. I have Jeff, but the poor thing is such an emotional mess right now. He said that Jadon is his kryptonite, and he is right. Those two men have an extremely strong attachment to each other. So, I am going to need someone...hell I need someone now. I know you are here for me, but you have been so busy with the baby and getting your life together, I don't want to bother you.

Anyways, I know that we had said that we would keep this positive, but I just have a hard time right now. But here it goes:

1. Jadons final result came back borderline cardiomegaly....
2. I have better food for today and I will get back on track
3. You're buying a FREAKING CONDO!
4. I must remember that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger
5. God has a plan, and although I may not agree with it or understand it, I must go with it

Talk to you soon.

Love ya,
Jenn

Behind the counter!

So we got behind the counter at the bank! Right near the safe! Why you ask.... WEll because we spent two and a half hours in the bank applying for the mortgage and signing our life or mine because its in my name away. Fun!

Anyway it is looking good still. We did all the paper work. I have to collect a few more things and gather a few documents. I have to get a new drivers liscene. It is forcing me. I have to get court papers that show my child support and then I just sit back and wait. looks like christmas will here but I think we are gonna end up there in time for birds bday,

I am really tired and I have to go to sleep. I ate ok. I am just maxed out with the condo and gab being sick. I will get better at telling you what I ate.

Grr

I hope that you had an okay day after your stress fron yesterday, I hope that the kids get better and that they figure out what the strange c ray meant.

Miss you talk to you soon I hope.

C

Another step taken and finished....

Hi to you.

The inspection was done and IT WENT PERFECT! There is very little to be worried about it in our new home to be! Woo hoo...

I need to tell you that I am happy about the condo because I need to get my kids out of here and I cannot afford a house and I feel like this is the right choice and the right place for them. We can stay there and they can grow and it can be good. I am looking forward to it. We went and had the inspection done today and it looked really good. I think that it is going to be really nice when we get it all fixed up the way that we want it. I will send you pictures as soon as I can. We are going to meet with the mortgage lady tommorrow and it looks really good and very hopeful.

That being said I am slacking with the eating and to top it off my scale is broke and I have no idea how I am doing. I guess I can try to use that as a good thing. I dont know.

I read aimee's blog and I am glad that you are doing so well with it I am happy for you but I have to say that I read through it and while part of me wants to try it the other part of me agrees with the people that are questioning it all. I worry that it is not the right choice to kiss your husband who was rotten to you....and cater and cater and cater.....I dont know maybe I need to swollow my questioning and just do the challenge......even though I am behind....I should try ....whatever.

I ate bad.....kinda. No too bad. considering what I can do sometimes!

I will talk to you soon I hope I miss you and I hope that everything is going well. I really hope that you can come and visit with me sometime soon and stay in my condo!

C

I ate bad. Gab is sick and fussing but I had to post we will talk soon.

Crys, I had not changed the blog until the other night, because the pink background would no longer load, it would only load black. So, I decided that I was going to just choose a neutral background provided by blogger.

I am just checking in real fast.

B-Meat and egg buritto and some decaf coffee (only 2 spoons sugar and creamer not milk)

Not sure what I am doing yet for the rest of the day, but I am hoping to have a tuna salad for lunch, and then maybe (MAYBE) nachos for dinner. I think the kids would like it. I may split the hamburger meat and make nachos for the kids and a small meatloaf for Jeff and I. We shall see.

Aimee has the new challenge posted, check it out. I know that you are having problems with it, but it occured to me today that if you and John are going in on this condo, you have to do something to make it a livable arrangment. He will respond at some point in time, but in the mean time, you will not feel so stressed, I think that you will see it as though you are feeling a sense of self-gratification. By no means am I trying to push you to do something that you don't want to, but you are getting ready to do one of the biggest things of a persons life, BUY A FREAKING CONDO!!!!!

Talk to you later.

Love you,
Jenn

rainbow blog.....

What happened to the pretty pink back ground? I dont mind change I was just surprised! And last night it was black right? Boy you are keeping me hoping! I dont want to go to work tommorrow :( I am not looking forward to it and I dont know why for sure but I have been dragging my feet really bad with work. Oh well. I do have a longer week planned in front of me to. Grr. But I get a bonus on Friday. I dont know what it will be but I know that it is coming and that makes me happy because I really want to get some clothes. I need some. I am just thinking that I will get mostly pants and a few tops. We will see. I need shoes too.

Anyway good job doing well for today. I did not do so well because you know I had that baby shower today and I ate there more than I had wanted to and i went out to breakfast with my gramma today. So today was a wash and I weighed in at 157.2 today so I ended up losing just a tiny bit. We will see.

Okay I am beat and I am going to just go to sleep now.

Good night my bf...

Crystal

I cant wait to know more about the condo so that I can get excited. I have to schedule the inspection and appraisal tommorrow. Or try.

C

Better today

Okay, so yesterday went down the toilet. I ended up eating a Rueben sub for dinner and a couple of bites of pizza.

But, today is better. I had lowfat yogurt with raspberries, blackberries and a little bit of grapenuts. For snack I am eating black grapes. Then for lunch I have grilled chicken on baby red lettuce with tomatoes, a small amount of mozzarella cheese and cranberry pecan dressing. I am not sure what we are doing for dinner yet, but we shall see. We did have a lot of pizza leftover as well as lasagna, so which is the lesser of two evils?

I am so excited for you, I know you will get the condo no problems. Way to go.

Okay, I am sure that I did not touch on everything but I was excited about how well I am doing today and needed to post about it. Talk to you later.

Love you,
Jenn

day 6 and year 5

Hey girl....

I am sorry about last night. I went to bed without typing and I laided here thinking about it and I was like ahh I put a sentence on in the morning so it is not a whole day missed.

Guess what the guy accepted the offer on the condo! Now dont get to excited because I dont know if it will be smooth sailing to the closing. THe person that was trying to get it before me had a really hard time. She was using a different loan etc. and had no down payment so she needed down payment assistance and we dont so I dont know what that means. We will see if it goes better.

I am so glad for you that the whole thing with Aimee is helping you. I think that I might buy the book and try it at my own pace because I did not start really at all yet and now I feel to far behind to try you know what I mean? I just dont know at times what I want. You know today is five years for me and john? I didnt know if we would get here and I am not sure what that means seeing as we fought all day and hate each other. See I dont know if we are to far gone to fix anything and I am not sure what Aimee would say and she has not emailed me back and I dont think she wants to go there. I dont know. But I sure am glad that she is helping you. Because I think that Jeff is the kinda of guy that will come around I really do. Let me re read day one and I will see if I can get myself to try....but you girl you have to try. He is worth it for sure.

My eating blah today not all that good.

B egg snadwich
s
L half bagel, half chicken flat bread
S dount
D hamburger no bun, rice, corn

If I didnt have the dount I would say it was good. Whatever. I will post me weight tommorrow but I here you about not wanting to say it if it doesnt change. I get your point. For me I am a little different because posting it with no change embrasses me and there for motivates me to try. girl this last twenty pounds has been here for the longest time so I am not doing as well as you think but I am trying that is for sure.

Thank you for the text earlier I got it in class and then got really busy gab was a monster when I got home and we had to do alot of running around. We looked at a few houses just to get a feel for what it would be like to get a house in this price range and I did not like them at all so I really think that the condo is the right move and like I told you if the shit hits the fan and we really dso throw in the towel I can pay for it myslef and that is the important part I guess I just wish that I did not have to think that way you know.

Gab is getting that molar I told you and it looks so bad. Are you sure this happened to Caleb do you think that they would ever cut it I am afraid...

Okay Bird boy is sleeping over donnas and I am just gonna relax a little. I think House is on tonight and I might just watch that and I will re read the first post from Aimee and re think. I am so glad it is helping you. Maybe it could help me to...I dont know....I am having a hard time with it all....I wish she would have emailed me back.

Bummer.....

Love ya always!

Crystal

Chaeating

Okay, so today I am cheating myself at any chance of losing weight. I've eaten 2 handfuls of Peanut Butter M&M's and like 6 of those Snicker Minis.....you know the once that are the size of your thumbnail maybe. So, looks like salad for sure tonight for me for dinner.

Jenn

Checking in

So, I am here at work, but nothing is going on right now so I thought I would check in.

First, yesterday was stressful, but in the light of things I ate ok. For breakfast I had a peach cup, no snack, for lunch I had Tacos, but I ate mostly the meat and left the tortilla, and then last night I ate a small helping of Lasagna. Today, however hasn't been as good. For breakfast I ate a package of donuts (300 calories I don't need) and a pineapple cup. For lunch I have some lasagna, so, for dinner I am thinking salad. My weight is steady, and if it goes down at anytime I will post it, but if not I will not because it just stresses me out and puts me in a state of funk.

I am really glad to see that you are doing so well, I know that you can do this. It's only 20 lbs, no sweat. I missed you on here last night. Hope you and the kids are doing ok.

So, how has the whole thing been going in regards to Aimee. I have done them all but haven't gotten a response out of Jeff. Maybe becuase he is just soaking it in. I know though that I can look at him right now and know that he is the person I love. I just hope that I don't lose that the next time we get into an argument. Also, I get the ugly feeling inside of me when he gets upset with the kids. For instance, I was working on homework last night and the baby was very tired and whining, and he would walk up to Jeff, raise his arms up, and cry saying "up." Well Jeff would make a comment like "Of course that's what you want." and sigh. That makes me very...I don't know...anxious, mad, angry, sad. Maybe a mix of them all...I don't know.

Alrighty girlie, I don't think there is anything else. I am doing ok....sick and tired, but still doing ok. I really don't want to be here at work. There is drama with all that right now, but maybe we can talk later. Have a fantastic day.

Love ya,
Jenn

day 5

morning of day five and I am just popping on for reinforcement. I have not been tracking and writing my weight like crazy but I am planning on up dating with you at the 7th day.....So we shall see

B egg on toast one slice cheese and coffee

4 or so

Day 4....I think.

I did okay today I ate a little more than I played and I am about to go drink a shot or two or gin. lol.... Just because no other reason....

So,

B egg and cheese on toast and a sausage
S banana
L baja chicken wrap
S coffee
D past w tomato sauce and a meatball
S two graham crackers with some PB and a banana


Yeah it was the Dinner that killed it but that is what I ate...and I want to be honest about it and that is what is the most important to me.

I wrote aimee an email I have no idea if she will be able to answer but I asked her about those of us in really bad relationships and what she thinks god would want us to do and I really want to see what she says. I will let you know. I dont know if I can be your partner I think I am going to have a really hard time going through with the things that she is suggesting but I will do it for you I just cannot say that I will be doing the same things as well you know. I tried the greeting at the door thing and thought about the cooking thing but you know what I cook all the time for John and it never gets me anywhere. When I make things he will say what is this slop? he will eat it and like it but he has to make those comments first to make me feel bad or say oh your no martha stewart.....

I really want to see what aimee says back I have to know.

RIght and not Tight!

Oh boy....I was like thinking outloud and it did not come out clear....

The 30 day thing is to try to make blogging and tracking what I eat a habit again. Because when I was doing that was when I really lost weight! So since I stopped I stopped losing and in fact gained back five pounds which I hate to admit! SO I am trying to get to 30 days with out making any days go by that I am not on here. Even if it is a quick little thing I just have to know that you are looking at it and there for I will fell bad about eating like a pig!

The negitive thing was just a side note. but I have to try. I have been unhappy with mylife for a long time now and I need to change the one thing that I can in it. My self. By changing myself and my outlook on things I am hoping that I will be more happy. We shall see. I am sure that I will still complain and girl I never mind hearing you complain that is what friends are for. I just think This is something I want to try for me.

So the great thing about the condo is it is down the street from a REALLY nice gym that opens at 4:30....I think I can get there! They have a sauna! WHooo hooo

Today I ate...

B egg sandwich
Sno
L baja chicken wrap wendys
BIG S lol Flat bread snadwich and hash browns
D two pieces cheese pizza

I had that class tonight and I had to eat on the run so I ate the DD stuff but then when I got home I was still hungry and John had ordered pizza for him and the kids so I ate again. I never said that I would be perfect but here it is.

I think I said this but I am not sure. I want to sign up for weight watchers and I think that I am going to go either tommorrow or the next day and sign up. I really want to go and I think that it will help me. I get so mad at myself for not having lost this last 20 pounds. Grr. It has to happen.

Also, Today I went to the store and bought three pairs of size 8 jeans. NOW they are really tight and my belly hangs over them a little so I have to pair them with a lose sweater but here are my thoughts rather than having pants that are falling off me and that I can eat whatever and they will still be lose and I have to keep pulling them up and people look at me like what is wrong with her that she is not wearing a belt???lol... I figured that I would be better off with the tight pants that are saying girl LOSE WEIGHT!!! every time I put them on.....I would like them to fit me well by Christmas. I just want them to fit right I am not even saying I want to lose this by this date just that I want these three pairs of pants to fit RIGHT NOT TIGHT!

I miss you so much too! I would not know what to do if I found you moving my way....maybe back flips....Work on Jeff will you....He would love it and God so would I. If you come stay in CT I will have my basement finished up by then with a family room that has PLENTY of places to sleep you can bring the whole crew and I will bye blow up beds!!!!! Goody goody gum drops!

Talk to you soon! Keep up the good work! I hope you feel better and go CALEB with the talking! Gab new thing is over said YES and I do! Everytime she wants to do something! Has Caleb got his flu shot? How did he do if he did?

Crystal

Okay, so I have read your last two blog posts and am trying to be sure that I know what you're goal and intention is. Sorry, I guess I am just not that smart to know exactly what you're doing. I can only think that you are doing like a 30 day challenge for decreasing your negativity and increasing your positivity. I am getting the gist that you are also trying to get back on track to hitting your goal weight. Am I anywhere close?

I will jump on the bandwagon with you on the negativity thing. I know that EVERYTHING that comes out of my mouth is negative. I have lost all happiness that I could have ever had. So, I will try my best to jump on here nightly and post. I am not going to promise anything though.

So, today was a good day overall. I managed to get my kitchen cleaned all the way, of course there are dishes sitting now, but I will get them done tonight. I was also able to get a lot of laundry done. Autumn and Codey helped immensley with the living room, and Mr. Caleb the bullet, is of course playing and undoing the work we have done. But oh well, he is behaving and having fun.

Oh, new words and phrases for Caleb: What's up? What? Why? How? Cool. Do you see it ? (He says it when he hears a train) so right now I am trying to teach him "Do you hear it?" Butt. Poop. (Which he uses appropriately) There are some more, but I can't remember them all.

This is what I ate today:

B-1 chocolate chip muffin
S-None
L-A grilled chicken sandwich (Wheat bread, piece of cheese and the chicken)
S-None
D-Marinated Pork Chops with corn on the cob and a buiscuit. I may make some rice or garlic pasta, but we will see.

If you haven't had a chance to, go check out the new blog from Aimee, she has a link to it from Kayleighs site. I am going to try it and see what it brings me. I am hoping it helps on a multitude of levles. Besides, I would love for you to be my accountability partner!

Tomorrow is going to be busy for me. I have to get Jeffs check, cash it, go to Artesia and pay on the X-mas layaway. Come back, get my check go pay mortgate, go grocery shopping, and gosh there is more, but I can't remember.

Crys, I really miss you. I sit a lot of times and remember the last night I was there (more often I sit and think about my whole time there!). I just think that it would be so fun living near you. We could walk together, go to they gym when it is so cold our sweat would turn to ice cicles, take the kids to the park together and cook for each other. I am wishing that I can get there some day.

I tried uploading some pictures but it took forever. I will try later to post some pics of Halloween.

I guess that is it girlie. Jeff should be back some time tonight. I can't wait, it has been so lonely without him.

Love you,
Jenn

Day 2....28 to go...It is a start!

Let me out of this rut!



I have used this blog to complain alot. I have noticed that my focus has been on the negitives in my life all this time and that is not healthy.





So I need to find a way to move along and look at my life as a groing plant and figure out what I want to feed it....Or something lol.





So To start today I did really well. I had no snacks besides for the banana that I just ate. I got gab and Darren out to the park for a bit and even though I did not do much at all at the park I was there out in the fresh air.





I ate





D chicken, rice and peas


S banana





And I told you the things that I had early.





I am about to watch so you think you can dance and I really like that. I am glad that it is on tonight.





Okay....talk to you soon.





Crystal

day 1

So today I ate

B one and half eggs with a slice of cheese on a roll and coffee with two sugars and milk...

For L I am about to have a turkey sandwich with one slice of cheese and some spinach

I did not have a dounut when my gram bought them and did not have apple crisp when everyone esle was having it.

It is a start....And writing down what i eat I know is going to be key. Lets see if I can start a pattern again.

Day one of 30....That's my goal....here we go.

At day 30 i will set a new goal....

gotta get back

I dont know what to say...

I have not been that good at all and I have gained back 5 pounds. I weigh 158 and it is no good. Whatever.

I am going to join weight watchers this week because I cannot do it alone any more.

I miss you and I miss this blog. We gotta get back here. Good job for getting back to the gym.

I will be here tommorrow.

C