UGH!

Hey lady,

I know you haven't had a chance to respond to the other post yet, but I just really need to vent.

I think I made a big mistake deciding to stay home with the kids. I mean, it is nothing but chaos and comotion the entire time. It is so bad at times that I can't hear myself think and many times have to stop what I am saying because I can't be heard. I am so stressed. Caleb takes so much out of me. He is demanding, and I don't mean like being tended to, he is demanding. He doesn't ask for things, he tells me: "Go get me something to drink." "You do it." I mean don't get me wrong, I love him to no end, and he is still my baby, but Crys he is just so hard to please. Earlier in the bathtub, I told him we needed to wash his hair and he didn't want to, but I did it anyways, and he screamed.

Codey, I don't even know where to begin. He just doesn't listen. He doesn't want to do his homework, ALL he does is scream at people. He is so cruel. I try and teach him how to be polite and how to deal with stuff and it just doesnt sink in.

Jadon is such a good boy, but has such horrible influences. He is ALWAYS giving something up that he wants (drinks, food, television shows, etc.) because one of the other boys wants it. He is such a lover and is the first one to know when something is amiss. But, he has his moments too. He will yell and scream and God is he lazy. He refuses to clean up anything. I have to yell, scream, beg and cry for him to do anything. And that is stress.

Autumn is doing really well. No meltdowns or real attitude. Just typical teenage things. She is in track now, so much of her time is spent at school training.

You know, and my sister pissed me off today....AGAIN, and I didn't even speak to her. Here's why:

My mom has to be in court for her tomorrow morning at 1030. I had told my mom that I was willing to leave here around 7 so that way we could get down there and they would have time to get downtown. Part of my reasoning is that Autumn has a parent/teacher conference tomorrow night at 620 and I REALLY don't want to take all the boys. So, I was hoping that my mom could at least sit with them while I did this 30 minute conference. But, she talked to my sister this morning and she said that it is my problem to figure out and that she was going to get my mom tonight. Okay, doesn't sound like a problem right?! WRONG!!!

They were supposed to leave El Paso between 6 and 7, it is now 730 and no call from them saying they are leaving. It is at least a 2.5 hour drive in the daytime, at least 3 hours at night (because you have to watch for deer and stuff). In addition it is 150 miles 1 way (300 round trip) so, essentially they wouldn't get back to El Paso till AFTER midnight, go to court tomorrow and then supposedly bring her back tomorrow night. SO, 600 miles later. That doesn't make any sense to me when I was planning on going down anyways and it would have been 300 miles, AND my mom would have been able to sleep for tonight and be refreshed for the morning. So, I have decided that if my sister wants to be the hero, then she can do all the things that I have been doing and I am going to step back.

You know with me staying home my house is not staying any cleaner because I have so much to do between it and the yards; not to mention grocery shopping and errands that have to be run. So, this is stressing me out to. I am not sleeping at night, I toss, turn, dream and sweat to death. I am currently in the withdrawls from the Lexapro which is adding to my agitation and anger. You know how those feel with the electric shocks and the just absolute instable feeling you get. So, that is stressing me out.

Jeff is leaving to go out to Santa Fe tomorrow morning. I am not going with him, so his bandage and packing is going to go almost 48 hours without being changed. I offered to go up there with him, get a hotel room, and just let him stop by in the morning so I could change it. But he said we don't have that type of money and that he will be fine. I am not comfortable with it at all, but there is nothing more that I can do. I told him that the $500 we just got from AFLAC would be more well spent with me going up there and taking care of him than me sitting here and him getting a secondary infection. But, he is not budging. So that is stressing me out.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know you would kill to be able to stay home with the kids and just get your degree. But I just don't know how you or other people do it. I am such a failure at this. That's another thing, I have everything to get into grad school except my 2 letters of recommendation. I have certaintly gotte 3 people to say they will, yet they haven't. This is my future we are talking about, how would they like it if someone screwed with their future?

Caleb has started this new thing where he jumps off of everything. He jumps off the back of the couch to the cushion to roll onto the floor, he just jumped off the arm of the couch to the floor, earlier after his bath he jumped from my bed to the floor. He gets on my big exercise ball and rolls around and jumps onto and off of it. (He's crazy.) I can just see him breaking a leg, and then what? I would be referred to CYFD and that would just do me in. Is all that because I don't spend enough time with him?

Today Caleb, my mom, and myself spent about 4 hours outside, removing rocks and tarp from what is going to become my garden area. Its about 20 feet long and about 5 feet wide. It was a lot of hard work, but Caleb loved it. BUT, he started to help and then after about 10 minutes he said that he was tired and went to play in the yard. We tried to make it a game and load up his tricycle for him to move the rocks to their destination on the side of the house, and he did one trip and we couldn't make him do anymore. What am I doing wrong? Jeff said that he is like a puzzle and we just have to figure him out, but I don't know how. I am a good problem solver but I guess I'm not good at figuring out how to do the best for my kids.

Right now he is saying that a cartoon is not a cartoon. UGH!

When will it stop Crys? You know, I have been reading a book, the purpose driven life and it says so much to me, yet at times like this I fail God by not believing that everything will be okay and that He will take care of me. How can I send it up to Him and just release everything. God himself knows that is what I want so badly.

You know and I am so envious of people right now. Aimee posted on facebook a picture of Las Vegas from her hotel room and it was beautiful. One of my other friends is going to be going to Alabama for a family reunion and her grandmothers 75th birthday. You know, I am not going to be travelling anytime soon and I don't have my grandmother anymore.

Okay, I am just about in tears. Sorry to bog you down with all of this, but I more or less really just needed to vent.

I miss and love you guys more than you know or words can express.

Take care.

Love ya,
Jenn

I think I'm in trouble....

Hey you,

How's everything going? I hope that it is going well. I really hope that gram is getting treated better and that physical therapy is going good. How is Gab with her sickness? I think she shared it with me because I am sick right now. Nothing really bad, just a sore throat, runny nose, a little bit of a cough and I'm tired.

Well, I think that I am in a lot of trouble. Words that we have exchanged in the past is hitting home and true right now and I really need to tell you about it. I really want you to analyze this and tell me what you think. I will try and be as clear as crystal when I tell you what is going on.

You have told me time and time again that when the children's actions begin to get into the way of normal living that it is time for intervention. Well, I think I'm there and have been for some time. Let's see if I can get this out in a fashion that will give you a good understanding of why I think there is a problem.

1.) Caleb almost refuses to wear any type of underwear besides Batman. I have to practically bribe him and lie to him about where his Batman underwear are. I tell him things like they are in the washer, when in fact they are in the dirty clothes. At least I haven't gotten to the point of doing a special load of laundry or going to the store to buy him more Batman underwear.

2.) Caleb and all the kids really, have control of the television. Jeff and I can never watch a television show without someone getting mad, crying or yelling about wanting to watch cartoons. In Caleb's case, he is into watching movies right now and always wants to watch the same 2 movies. So, in order to keep him from screaming and stuff, we give in (I know it's wrong) and let him watch a movie, or bribe him to watch the cartoons with the kids.

3.) Caleb absolutely refuses to do almost anything that he is told to do. He doesn't take a nap (well sometimes, at like 3-4 pm and then he is up till 11), he doesn't pick up his toys, he doesn't throw things away. Point in case: tonight, he didn't want his cheese stick anymore so I told him to pick it up off the couch and go throw it away. He looked at me and said "You throw it away." So, I took him by the hand, walked him over to the trash, and forced him to throw his cheese stick away. Even then he told me: "You threw it away."

4.) It is so bad that on some occassions we will be getting him dressed, and we have always counted "1 leg, 2 legs" with him; well, now he says "That isn't my 1 leg this is my one leg." (Imagine his left one being the first leg and the right being the 2nd, he gets very adamant on which is what.) So, we take off his pants and re-do it.

5.) He doesn't eat at specified times. Again, my fault. He has always eaten like a bird throughout the day, picking from time to time. Lately because I do the menu's (which I still need to e-mail you) I usually only by food to go for the menus, and cook the meals that are on the menu, and only allow snacks that have been ear marked. So, Jeff or I usually end up going to the store to get more snacks.

6.) He will not sleep in his bed. So, we started letting him fall asleep on the couch (at his convenience of course) and then Jeff and I would at least be able to get a couple of hours of peaceful rest while he is in the living room.

I know that most of this is my fault. I give in, I don't have a good enough schedule, etc. I know all this. What I don't know is how to curtail all of this, but I am at my wits end. I know that I NEED to get all those things in order, but ALL of the kids are plain oppositional to everything I try and instill. He RULES almost everything I do. Sometimes, I can't get going in the mornings because he won't let me take a shower, get him dressed, or get out the door.

I know some of the things are cute, and it shows his indpendence, but Crys, it is crazy here in my house. I told my mom tonight "When will I be able to sit down at night have a cup of coffee and just relax?"

I sometimes think that maybe I am just exaggerating, but I don't know.

Moving on.....

This morning, Jadon woke up and again was complaining of chest/stomach pains. So, I kept him home AGAIN and took him into the doctor. The doctor ordered a blood test and x-rays of his belly because he thinks that with Jadon being so rough and tumble, not to mention how he fights with Codey, and taking into account that maybe he fell onto his handlebars, that somehow his pancreas got PUNCTURED and is LEAKING pancreatic enzymes into his abdominal cavity which is causing his stomach pain. So, we won't know anything for at least 2 days, when all the test results will get back. On the up side of this, the body will heal itself. If it is too severe then they will put him on steroids. IF it is not a pancreatic injury, then they think that it is going to be bruised organs, again caused from the same things.

Okay lady, I think that is it. I'm sorry it has been a woe-is-me kind of post, but I had to get it out of my head and onto "paper" (screen).

I miss ya and love ya dearly. Wish I was closer.

**Caleb was just told to lay down and he said in a very snarky tone: "I'm going to pet Titan."**

Jenn