Happy birthday honey girl. I am fine. I hope you had a really great day. I slept none last night and my phone is in the car. I am going to just go to bed but if you need me call my house. I hope you had the best bday you could have hoped for!

Sick....

Crys,

I hope that you are doing better and that you've been able to get rid of that nasty migraine. I know when I get them they can last for 2 days, so I am hoping that this is not the case. I hope that Gab and Darren are all doing ok as well.

Well, for the first time I am caught up on my homework for school! Ok, minus one discussion I have to answer in science.

This is what I ate today:

B-English muffin with butter and jelly
S-No
L-Oven roasted chicken, and mashed potates and a small piece of pizza (SO DIDNT NEED IT!)
S-No
D-Grilled boneless pork chops, rice, and beans

I have drank almost 2 liters today, but I nixed at least 1 litre by drinking a large Cafe breve with hazelnut flavoring, but instead of whole milk I got it with soy, and it was delicious!

I have been doing ok on my eating; during the day. I notice at night that I am grabbing 1/2 a bagel or something at night around 11 while I am doing homework, and like last night I had Jeff get me a bag of Peanut M&M's, I so didn't need those. So, needless to say, I weighed in the other day 215.5, but I haven't checked in recently.

I have to say that I am really disgusted with the way I look right now. For some reason my belly seems to be swollen all the time. I know that while I was working out, I weighed the same, but I looked soooo much better. I owe them money and am going to pay it when I get paid, and I am going to renew my membership. I am hoping that when I get done with the Academy in November I will be able to get to it more regularly. I have to, my health and my mental state depends on it. I know that I should probably stop being lazy and walk the kids to school in the mornings. It is cooling off, so I would be comfortable walking.

Speaking of weather it was so cool and fantatic today. If it got above 72 we were doing good, and then to top it off the wind was blowing and it was marvelous. I thought back to when I was there, and how cool it was all the time. So, putting it into perspective you guys were what 50ish today?

I am still sick...I hate the fact that I can't breath correctly, that is a horrible feeling to feel like you are drowning. I am hoping that this will soon be passing, I am due to be back at work on Friday.

I am sooo tired, I have been doing about 4-5 loads of laundry a day, and am not caught up. It seems that when I think I have it under control, I turn around and the hamper is overflowing again. ARGH! Oh, well at least it's not as bad as it usually is. I am proud though because for 2 nights I have cooked dinner and all meals at home. I am bound and determined to stay at home and eat. It will save us so much money, I mean if we go somewhere like Chilis it is an easy $70, at a fast food restaurant an easy $40. Take that and times it by about 5-8 times a month and we are talking serious cash.

So, I told you this last night, but because of the headache I don't know if you will remember. Jeff has surgery on the 22nd, I am taking off the 23rd to be sure that he is ok. I may not get to you as often as I would like, but we will see, I will try my hardest.

Okay, so Caleb has expanded his vocabulary by so much in such a short period of time, he still pales in comparison to Gab, but he is on his way up.

-cup
-cat
-cookie
-cracker
-hi
-bye
-go
-oh no
-uh oh
-cook
-apple
-apple juice
-bop bop
-no

And there are so many more I can't keep up with it. He is doing so well, I just hope it keeps up. I have noticed that he has started repeating after us when he hears a new word, then once he knows it he won't mimic any more. Also, he has a liking to the hard c sound, so I go with that. I do of course try and get him to say so much more, but he learns those words the fastest.

He did the cutest thing today, I was standing cooking lunch and he walked up and grabbed my leg and started patting it. He did the same thing while I was doing dinner, and sitting down after we had gotten done eating. So, he is starting to self-initate affection. It is so amazing to feel his little head and hands against my leg.

Alright girl, I have said enough I think. I am tired, and I am going to sit down with a hot cup of tea, and begin all my science homework for next week so I am trying not to scramble through the week. I miss you and the kids dearly and am working on getting us up there, just be patient with me. I truly believe that is where I belong, and meeting you and coming to see you was my proof. I will talk with Jeff more about getting up there another time, all of us. I think they will enjoy it.

Talk to you later and love you always.
Jenn

checking in real fast

Hey gilr! I have to take a minute to post but I am having this headache control my life right now and even though I took a pain pill it was so bad I still feel it so I know that it is really out of control.

I think that I have been doing okay with my food but I have not been all that strict with having candy. I dont know what it is but I have wanted sour stuff all the time and it must be like sugar withdrawls or something so I have to watch how much candy I am eating and I am not normally a condy eatier so I got to figure it out.

ANyway I miss you alot but cant think or see. I am gonna look up migranes and then go to bed.

Love ya

C

Adam & Aimee

CRYSTAL....ADAM POSTED!!!! AFTER ALMOST 2 MO NTHS HE POSTED! CHECK IT OUT...SAD, BUT GREAT TO HEAR FROM THEM.

THERE IS A POST BELOW THIS ONE!

Checking in

Hey girl, just wanted to post a couple of things real fast.

One, I saw the pic of gab trying to get under the gate, that is so funny. She is such a dare devil! But oh so cute. I'm glad that you feel more safe letting her run around up stairs, it gives you a little bit of freedom to! Not having to keep running after her, you can complete your tasks a bit easier.

Second, I'm glad to hear that you love school, I knew you would. It's just who you are.

Third I laughed so hard tonight I cried and thought I was going to pee myself! Caleb had eaten some frozen yogurt from a local ice cream shop and he was like a guinea pig on crack! He was dancing around and running, but it was so funny because it was l ike in fast forward except live! It was hilarious!

I ate like crap again otday, but whats new? Since I have been back I have gotten soooo baaaddd. I am back drinking Dr. Pepper all the time, and I don't seem to take the care I need to in order to eat correctly. Although, tonight I made my own spaghetti sauce...that's right my own, not store bought. I don't know if you and John would have liked it but we thought it turned out pretty good. I cooked it for about 4 hours, since I forgot that is what I wanted to make for dinner tonight!

I have to work tonight, I signed up for overtime. I work from midnight until 6 in the morning. I have not slept so this should be interesting.

Caleb has started talking so much more, it is amazing to watch! He can say everyones name, and Gosh I have lost track. I mean he still pales in comparison to Gab, but he is on his way!

Alright girl, I'd better get going on something, I don't know what but I have to leave for work in about 1 1/2 hours so maybe I can do some laundry or something.

You are an amazing friend and I hope that you continue to do ok. I am off tomorrow and will sleep for a little bit, but then the Colts are on and I will be watching, but you come first of course. So, once you are done with church and your gram let me know and we can talk.

Talk to you later.

Love ya,
Jenn

oh yeah....

And you will NEVER lose me inless you tell me to GET LOST!!!!

Love yah always so dont feel bad about me worrying. It was just that I did not know why Jeff would say that and then worried that he meant that you would pull away from me and not that I would pull away from you which would NEVER happen...

SEE JEFF YOUR WRONG WRONG WRONG.....But I forgive yah!

Thanks for sharing your wonder wife with another needy soul.....

ah doing ok

okay I think that the post that I was just writing posted by accident sorry I did not mean for it to be posted and I hit something os if it did not go on then it went somewhere esle arg...

But I am doing okay with my eating. just okay nothing to big. I felt really bad when I went to pick up gab today. She was fine and had fun but she fought all day to not go to sleep and there for tried to go all day without a nap. That's crazy. I would not let her so I made her take one when I got home. Which makes life harder for me because she did not want to go to sleep tonight but in the long run she was still asleep by 8:45 so I am happy.

I am proud of bird too he is doing good at school and the teacher told him that he is the best student. I am glad that he gets the credit but dont you think it is not right to tell one student that they are the best? You know he has been told that three years in a row now? gee my fella is smart! I am proud of him.

I am really struggling with the idea of taking the secong job. It is a really hard adjustment to have the increased hours as is....and adding alot more I dont know.....I can do four or six maybe but that is about it....we will see....what I choose to do in the end....Sometimes I think of what you said about having more money to bye the kids things and to take them places that cost money more often. But the thing is that (now I know it is not the same) but my mom used to ALWAYS bye me things to try to make up for stuff that she did wrong. It was never that she worked to many hours but rather that she was mean that day or whatever....Well I would have rather my mother taken me out to kmart at night and walked around with her and not really bye anything. It was one of my favorite things in the world when my mom would take me to k mart at night. Darren only likes to go to the store when he thinks that he is going to get something but I am hoping that Gab will share the love of stores with me....Darren hates to shop inless it is for toys.....lol.

I want to thank you for being my friend and remind you how much it meant to me to have you come here and spend time with me. It meant the world. I really hope that you come back and I dream that Jeff lands a job out this way and you come here to stay! Or at least within a very long car ride! WE can spend weekends at each others house once a month or something. I would love to get to know your kids and watch them grow up....it would be nice to see you with Jeff and the kids. Ah I can dream.

I know your swamped but how is school? I hope that you are finding a way to catch up. I guess this is the hard part about it being online....the time is not spent in the class but behind the computer. SO you are not really saving time but are able to do it from your home. Which with the family can be harder in the long run~

Thank you for your very sweet words in the blog the other day. It meant the world to me and I am going to go read it again when we are done here. I really do miss you. It was the best week....ever.....

I hope you come back to CT....At least next year if not before....maybe this Fall I can bank enough to come see you with everyone but I dont think I can brave it this year....Gab is so little maybe next year. You are so much braver than me I am so amazed by yah girlie!

We gotta try to talk tommorrow. I will be home tomm. Afternoon. Gram is keeping me busy in the morning.

LOVE YA!

Crystal

Sorry....

Okay Crys, I just made a mistake on the computer and it wiped out the extremely large post I had done. DAMN IT! First, I am not pulling away, please don't think that, it was never my intention of making you feel this way. I feel horrible that you feel this way, and to think it is all because of me. I hate that I did this to you.



I am exhausted so I am going to try and make this short and succinct, while still conveying everything I want to say to the fullest. I am really sorry that I didn't call you or at least text you to let you know what was going on.

First, yesterday:

I went to Wal-mart and I got some stuff for Caleb, like a sandbox, a bin with a cover for all of his toys, and some new toys. I also spent 2 hours with Autumn just doing girlie time, and then I came home and Jeff and I stained a piece of wood that we put up today as trimming on a corner of the wall between the living room and hallway. Yesterday Jeff and I grilled out so I was helping with that, I also raked up dog crap in the backyard. I worked on laundry, cleaning the bathroom. I gave Caleb a bath and got him down. I then worked on homework for about 4 hours and finally gave up and went to bed around 11.

Today:

I got up today around 7 and began my day. Jeff and I went to Artesia and put $331 on layaway for Christmas at K-Mart. Then we were enroute to Roswell and just before we went to eat Jeff and I got into a huge fight. I went in and ate lunch with the baby, he drove away. Caleb and I were done eating, he came in and we left to return home. On the way the fight got more ugly and Jeff pulled over to the side of the road and said he was done. I proceeded to get into the car and I drove away, leaving him to walk home 80 miles. I of course turned around after 10 minutes and him calling me and got him, but the fight continued. We got home, cooled down a bit, and then we adhered the piece of wood to the wall. We also hung a huge dart board in a cupboard in the garage. By the time we were done with that the kids were home from school and I had to get them going on homework. 5 o'clock came very fast, so we went to the store and got dinner, I cooked it and then I started on the hell-amount of homework I have. I have worked on it another solid 3.5 hours and it is still not done and I am still behind. I got tired and am trying to figure out how I am going to get this done tomorrow before I have to go to work, but saw the conundrum I put you in and couldn't leave it, I had to respond.

Crys, I don't know if you know how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. You are like the sister I never had. I think about you and the kids constantly, always wondering if all is ok. I worry to no end when you don't anwer your phone, wondering what bad could have happened to you in the event of a nasty fight with John. Crys, you are the only person I am connected to right now. I am disconnected from my mom, sister, Jeff and my acquaintance Jennifer. You have brought so much into my life it is unthinkable of not having you in my life. I am forever thankful for babycenter, and am so happy to have taken that leap to e-mail you and place that first phone call (or did you place it first) either way, I am happy it happened. I love the fact that I took a leap and flew out to see you and am grateful I got to spend that week with you, I have so many memories I carry with me. Crys, just sitting here my eyes are welling up at how much I miss you, and wish that I was closer so we could see each other whenever we wanted or needed. It's days like today that I needed to be close to you, for that shoulder to cry on or for those ever compassionate ears of a best friend.

I too am very very depressed. I hate the fact that I have to go to work starting tomorrow again. I am anxious over the fact that I believe Friday I work a graveyard, get off at 6 am will be home by 7 and get to wake up at noon to be back to work at 2. The thought of that is killing me. I am so tired and that idea is making me very anxious and sad. I have learned so much from you. I am trying to "just be" and "relax" and it is very difficult. As you know I always have something to do and that is starting to piss me off. I would love to just be able to sit down for 30 minutes and drink a cup of tea and relax. I am too am depressed over my weight. I gained 2 lbs in 1 day, up to 219 as of this morning. I told my doctor today that I am going to die fat and unhappy. I have no time to go to the gym to help my weight or to go to a shrink to help the unhappiness. My Caleb deserves that hour it would take for either of those to happen.

I have a breaking heart right now, so bad to the point I can feel physical effects of it. I hate myself for having put you in this feeling of rejection. I miss you so much. I miss being near you and in that beautiful state of yours. I sit everyday and think about how much fun we had and how much more fun we could have and how much closer we could be. I take very vivid memories of our time together with me. I too developed the pictures I took while I was there and have 2 cds made for you, one for each camera. I promised double exposures and that is what I did. Give me a bit to get them out to you, money is going to be tight again, to the point of the overdraft going into effect. But, I will get them to you, I promise.

Crys, the text you sent me about you missing me as much as you miss your mom hit home for me. It meant a lot to me that I mean that much to you, so all I can say is that I miss you as much as I miss my grandmother. And to put it into perspective I talk to thin air, thinking she will hear me and that I will get some type of answers to my problems. I still sit at times and am angry over the fact that I don't have her here anymore to give a hug to. I know you feel these same things about your mom. I don't think I have ever had anyone else care this much about me, and I hate it that I put all of this at stake because I am an idiot and forgot to bring my charger with me, so my phone will be dying any second, and the fact that I didn't call you from Jeff's phone. I am so sorry, I don't know what other words I can use to make sure you understand I never meant to hurt you, or to make you think I was pulling away. I hate myself right now, I really do.

I am asking for you to forgive me. I will make a promise that I will call you everday and at least leave a message for you. If you don't hear from me by about 2 your time, then send me a text or give me a call and see whats going on. If I can't get to you right away I will get to you ASAP. I am so scared right now that I have lost one of the most precious things to me, you.

I will send you a text tomorrow after 4 your time, I have to get to work and get my phone on the charger.

Love you always,
Jenn

Okay so I am starting to think that you dont like me anymore and that Jeff was right but it was you who was going to pull away. Why are you not talking to me???? I got your text early and then I text back but then you never responded and you had two days off and did not call me. I am confused. What happened.....

I ate like crap over the last few days. The vacation kinda through me off for a loop and then I am snacking again at night. It makes me so mad because at 153 I am really close to my goal. I would love to be 135 of course but to be honest I would be so happy at 145. I am so close to that and I cant get my act together. I know that if I just work out then it will fly off at least the first few pounds should as my body is like what the hell is going on!!!

I hope that you are doing better and that I hear from you soon. I really hope that this is not what your husband meant.


Crystal

PS I have a phone interview with that agency in New York!!!! Tommorrow at 5 my time!