I sware sometimes I just want to fucking run away and join the cirus. For me it never ends. I am never ever just me. NEVER! It drives me nutty.
Moving along....Sorry. It was just a rant because I feel like I never have adult time and I pretty much have to wait years in order to have it. I have already waited years and have a few more to wait. and to top it off the typing now is waking up gab. I sware ssometimes I cant deal. This is why I just give up and go to bed.
I think that it is fine that Caleb wont go potty. Gab wont either. I am going to take a week off near thanksgiving and try to train her that week. I am not going to even try again before then because like you said if we are not like the ones that are on top of it it will not happen. So I think that when you and caleb are both ready that it will just happen. I am sure that the older children were a little like Caleb, because I know it must of been somewhat of a challenge with Darren but like you I remember it to be so easy. One day he woke up trained and that was that! lol...
I also think that the pretend that you explained is great. And dont be to hard on your self. I know you have a llot of stuff to do and very little time. Just try to play with Caleb a little here and a little there. he has so many people in his life to keep him busy. He isnt just alone all the time! Dont be so hard on yourself!!!! Your a great moma!
With the money stuff i feel for you so much. I almost threw up reading it. I wish I could help you and believe me I would. It sucks that times are that bad and that the hospital did what they did to jeff. I only pray that god will somehow just give you a break and help you out of this whole. BEcause you deserve it! I hope that the layaway didnt get canceled. Maybe you can have them extend it a little???
It isnt very cold here yet girlie! the leaves are changing and all but it is not tooo cold. It is actually pretty nice! I cant wait to get you some pictures! I took some video of leaves today for you but they didnt come out to show the colors too much I was bummed.
Girl do you know I gained 16 pounds back?? I weigh between 168 and 170. Yeah nothing esle needs to be said about that. Throw up.
What esle???
Oh grad school for you....I want to see you get to do what you want....but do you need it? Is what you want to be when you grow up something you need to go back for? I love what I am doing and wont give up but I was thinking you know I could make it on what I earn...I dont NEED to go back but yet I NEED to go back for me! So is this something that you want for you? Or for your job? If it is for you then I support it all the way but if it is for s job then maybe you should think about it more. I kknow you are like me so I bet it is for you....
Glad to hear that Autumn is in sports now and that good things are happening for codey! How is Jaden?
Oh and the sleeping thing? Forget it. I sleep with gab every night. I gave up. I know some day it will change but for now I give up. I guess we both have monsters that way. They are a lot alike even though they live so far away must be a may thing.
I was in Hartford ALLL day today for training. Tomm to. It is good but long days and (to me) a long drive...
My friend Ash had her baby Grace and nicole my niece had her baby Olivia and my cousin lauren is pregnant due in May and kelly is having a girl. I DO NOT WANT A BABY. not even with all that around me. NOPE.
The other day I worked with my premie twins. Born at 25 weeks. Now about 3 months old corrected age zero. And the little girl threw up on her face down her nose and almost choked...and dad picked her up so roughly shoved the thing down her nose and suctioned her. I thought I was gonna die....they live in the projects....seven kids.....no car.....no money.....and cockroaches....surrounded by some vacant and some trashed some lived in projects.....This year we are doing holiday helpers...at work and donating gifts to poor families. I am going to bring darren with me to give the toys to the families so he can see the difference between what we have and what they have...There is one....a large one.
WE got a kitten. Hersey. She is a siamese. like coco. who I finally lost to cancer last month. that was fucking terrible. I held her while they put her down. I cried like you wouldnt believe. Like I did when you left. pretty bad. I love you and miss you.
I hope this helps. I am going to watch trash on tv and hit the hay. I might not of gotten to everything but I will hope on here tomm. I have a long day to say the least but I am thinking about taking my computer to the class....I dk I really like it so I might nnot because I need to listen. It is a good one.....its about the ADOS a test for autism. I am getting trained to adminster it. YAWN.
K girlie...
Love you.
Night
Crystal
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Hey.....
Hey Crissie,
How are you doing? I am sure that you are doing well. I promised that I would get on here and post so you could respond tomorrow, so here I go. I just really don't want to pull you down in the depths of no return, so if you are having any issues of your own that are pressing and causing you trouble, please do not read this. Wait until things are better.
Word of warning, my thoughts are so scattered, so I am not guaranteeing that they are going to make a whole lot of sense.
First, as you know, I am always worried about Caleb. Well, he is doing ok, I guess. He will not potty train, he absolutely refuses to even want to grasp the concept. I haven't been too on board with doing it either which is a problem I know, but I am having problems committing to it. I remember the kids being so easy to do, and he just absolutley refuses. ALL of my other kids were potty trained by this age. You know, he also refuses to sleep in his bed. Again, I try hard, but Jeff doesn't reinforce what I do. Last night the baby fell asleep on the couch and Jeff asked me where I wanted him. Well, in his bed. He is getting too big to sleep with us, and quite frankly I am tired of him being in our bed all the time. I can't turn over or stretch out because I have a 38 inch child next to me. I don't know how I am ever going to break him of sleeping in our bed. Also, he pretends play so much. I have a feeling that it is because I don't get down and play with him like I should. I just can't find the time. He has one heck of what I hope is an imagination. He will say that there are monsters around and he is going to make sure they don't get him, he will tell a complete story with sentences like "and then" he pauses and then continues his story, all fabricated. He says things like probably yesterday in repsonse to where he got a scratch or bruise from. Almost the entire time that he is home with me, I am working on school or cleaning. I am so tired of not having time. I don't have time for me, the kids, Jeff, my mom or anything. I am so wrapped up in trying to keep up with school.
So, moving on from there. Jeff and I are in such a financial bind it isn't even funny. He decided not to pay a hospital bill right after we got here and so they are just now garnishing his wages. They are taking $594 out of every one of his checks (twice a month) and then another one in the beginning of November. We are always in overdraft...ALWAYS and I am not saying like $50, no like $350-$500. We have a hard time keeping up with Calebs pullups, paying our bills, or sometimes getting food in the house. We were in jeopardy of having Jeffs car repossessed. I don't know how we are going to get out of it. We do not splurge on anything, not one single solitary thing. Well, let me correct that, Jeff decided this last paycheck to buy pizza for $30 one night for dinner rather than coming home and finding something. Yet, I don't get anything to drink or eat for work, I take everything with me. This is what gets me so frustrated. He is saying that we are going to get out of this, but I just don't see it. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I have no money to get the kids clothes for school for the cooler weather. It is already to the point where in the morning they should have a light pull over on or something and it is all or was sitting on layaway at KMart. Yet because we didn't have any money to pay it, chances are we have lost all of the clothes I had on layaway for the kids. So, how am I now going to afford to get them clothes?
I don't know if I told you, but my work switched from the County as their payroll processor and holder of insurance. Well, the County has not invoiced my work for the insurance that has been paid by them due to inadequacies of our new payroll personnel, and they are saying that they are going to take the chunk of money out at 1 time. Crys, that is like $800 for me, one of my checks. If they do that this coming week, we are going to have a $1300+ deficit, Jeff's $594 and my entire check. What the hell are we going to do then?
Work of course is another issue that I am having. We are back to 12 hour shifts, and I am opting to stay on graveyards because I lost my babysitter for the boys after school and I don't want to put up with the obnoxious behavior by my boss during the day. That place is loud enough during the day without her coming out of her office wanting to tell stories and laughing and being loud. Besides, I hate the way she is so false with everything. I hate how she lies. So, in any event I just stay on graveyards from 8p-8a my time. I get home at 9am and leave at 630pm in order to get back to work. So, I don't see the kids in the morning because they are in school by the time I get home and I leave right during the time that we would all be sitting down to complete dinner.
Now, can you see why I have no time. I sleep during the day and try to prepare for another 14 hour day, and so I don't have time for my school. I just took my midterm for administrative law and got a 68, because I never cracked the book because I have no time. I applied for what would be a perfect job: hours are 730-430 everyday, every other friday off and saturday and sunday every week. To add to it, it is right here in Carlsbad. The pay would be $12.50, where I am making $14.11 right now, but I would be saving gas. I would still have insurance too. I interviewed for this on September 7th and I still haven't heard anything. I have called her every time she has said she would have a decision, and now I am just not even getting her attention to answer the phone. I am so frustrated. There are no other jobs here, NOTHING. So, I am stuck driving back and forth and working insane amount of hours.
Moving on. I thought I had found the graduate school I wanted to attend, but when I got the follow up e-mail it isn't. I want to get my Masters in Social Work, Texas University-San Marcos has one of the best schools in the nation, and I could've done it all online. The problem however, is that it is more from an administrative role and not an interactive role. I would only go part-time taking me 4 years because it is a 64 credit hour degree. Crys, that is insane, and I don't want to do admin crap, I want to do more hands on. So, I don't know what I am going to do. NMSU, where I am right now, doesn't offer an online SW masters because of the amount of intern hours that have to be done (500 the first year and 450 the second year.) In addition, they state right in their catalog that there is no way for a full-time masters student to carry the 15 hour minimum and the internships and work. So, we would be without an income, and as you can tell, there is no way that we could afford that. So, my dreams of grad school are pretty much gone.
I am so down in the dumps right now that I sat yesterday with facebook open for 9 hours, and never did a thing. I just stared at it. I didn't work on my school, I didn't clean house, I hardly ate. I am to the point where getting out of bed to take a shower and stuff is such a challenge. I feel all alone. Jeff is great, but he isn't what I need all the time, hell I can't tell you what I need all the time. I don't even know what I need right now. I just know that I told Jeff I am tired of being so sad, I have been like this on and off for the better part of 16 years, and I am tired of it. I am tired of having no desire to do things, and when I do, I quickly realize that what I want cannot come to fruition. For instance, Jeff registered for his first intenship for his doctorate in February, he is going for four days to Denver, Colorado, I want to go but I know I can't. What would I do with the kids? How would we afford to do it? Maybe income tax or his refund from school. But then, how are we going to ever pay off our credit so we can have decent shit. I know that if your head hasn't started to spin, it is by now. Crys, this is how I live, day in and day out, every minute of my life. The Lexapro isn't working anymore, well I guess I could be worse, so I guess it is. I have no outlets. I know that at one point in time I had dreams of so many things, and they are gone.
Alright girlie, I just realized I have been grinding my teeth and because of the seperators they are really hurting, which has now caused me to get a massive headache. I know that what I have written here is not everything, but I am spent. Sorry.
Love you and miss you,
Jenn
How are you doing? I am sure that you are doing well. I promised that I would get on here and post so you could respond tomorrow, so here I go. I just really don't want to pull you down in the depths of no return, so if you are having any issues of your own that are pressing and causing you trouble, please do not read this. Wait until things are better.
Word of warning, my thoughts are so scattered, so I am not guaranteeing that they are going to make a whole lot of sense.
First, as you know, I am always worried about Caleb. Well, he is doing ok, I guess. He will not potty train, he absolutely refuses to even want to grasp the concept. I haven't been too on board with doing it either which is a problem I know, but I am having problems committing to it. I remember the kids being so easy to do, and he just absolutley refuses. ALL of my other kids were potty trained by this age. You know, he also refuses to sleep in his bed. Again, I try hard, but Jeff doesn't reinforce what I do. Last night the baby fell asleep on the couch and Jeff asked me where I wanted him. Well, in his bed. He is getting too big to sleep with us, and quite frankly I am tired of him being in our bed all the time. I can't turn over or stretch out because I have a 38 inch child next to me. I don't know how I am ever going to break him of sleeping in our bed. Also, he pretends play so much. I have a feeling that it is because I don't get down and play with him like I should. I just can't find the time. He has one heck of what I hope is an imagination. He will say that there are monsters around and he is going to make sure they don't get him, he will tell a complete story with sentences like "and then" he pauses and then continues his story, all fabricated. He says things like probably yesterday in repsonse to where he got a scratch or bruise from. Almost the entire time that he is home with me, I am working on school or cleaning. I am so tired of not having time. I don't have time for me, the kids, Jeff, my mom or anything. I am so wrapped up in trying to keep up with school.
So, moving on from there. Jeff and I are in such a financial bind it isn't even funny. He decided not to pay a hospital bill right after we got here and so they are just now garnishing his wages. They are taking $594 out of every one of his checks (twice a month) and then another one in the beginning of November. We are always in overdraft...ALWAYS and I am not saying like $50, no like $350-$500. We have a hard time keeping up with Calebs pullups, paying our bills, or sometimes getting food in the house. We were in jeopardy of having Jeffs car repossessed. I don't know how we are going to get out of it. We do not splurge on anything, not one single solitary thing. Well, let me correct that, Jeff decided this last paycheck to buy pizza for $30 one night for dinner rather than coming home and finding something. Yet, I don't get anything to drink or eat for work, I take everything with me. This is what gets me so frustrated. He is saying that we are going to get out of this, but I just don't see it. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I have no money to get the kids clothes for school for the cooler weather. It is already to the point where in the morning they should have a light pull over on or something and it is all or was sitting on layaway at KMart. Yet because we didn't have any money to pay it, chances are we have lost all of the clothes I had on layaway for the kids. So, how am I now going to afford to get them clothes?
I don't know if I told you, but my work switched from the County as their payroll processor and holder of insurance. Well, the County has not invoiced my work for the insurance that has been paid by them due to inadequacies of our new payroll personnel, and they are saying that they are going to take the chunk of money out at 1 time. Crys, that is like $800 for me, one of my checks. If they do that this coming week, we are going to have a $1300+ deficit, Jeff's $594 and my entire check. What the hell are we going to do then?
Work of course is another issue that I am having. We are back to 12 hour shifts, and I am opting to stay on graveyards because I lost my babysitter for the boys after school and I don't want to put up with the obnoxious behavior by my boss during the day. That place is loud enough during the day without her coming out of her office wanting to tell stories and laughing and being loud. Besides, I hate the way she is so false with everything. I hate how she lies. So, in any event I just stay on graveyards from 8p-8a my time. I get home at 9am and leave at 630pm in order to get back to work. So, I don't see the kids in the morning because they are in school by the time I get home and I leave right during the time that we would all be sitting down to complete dinner.
Now, can you see why I have no time. I sleep during the day and try to prepare for another 14 hour day, and so I don't have time for my school. I just took my midterm for administrative law and got a 68, because I never cracked the book because I have no time. I applied for what would be a perfect job: hours are 730-430 everyday, every other friday off and saturday and sunday every week. To add to it, it is right here in Carlsbad. The pay would be $12.50, where I am making $14.11 right now, but I would be saving gas. I would still have insurance too. I interviewed for this on September 7th and I still haven't heard anything. I have called her every time she has said she would have a decision, and now I am just not even getting her attention to answer the phone. I am so frustrated. There are no other jobs here, NOTHING. So, I am stuck driving back and forth and working insane amount of hours.
Moving on. I thought I had found the graduate school I wanted to attend, but when I got the follow up e-mail it isn't. I want to get my Masters in Social Work, Texas University-San Marcos has one of the best schools in the nation, and I could've done it all online. The problem however, is that it is more from an administrative role and not an interactive role. I would only go part-time taking me 4 years because it is a 64 credit hour degree. Crys, that is insane, and I don't want to do admin crap, I want to do more hands on. So, I don't know what I am going to do. NMSU, where I am right now, doesn't offer an online SW masters because of the amount of intern hours that have to be done (500 the first year and 450 the second year.) In addition, they state right in their catalog that there is no way for a full-time masters student to carry the 15 hour minimum and the internships and work. So, we would be without an income, and as you can tell, there is no way that we could afford that. So, my dreams of grad school are pretty much gone.
I am so down in the dumps right now that I sat yesterday with facebook open for 9 hours, and never did a thing. I just stared at it. I didn't work on my school, I didn't clean house, I hardly ate. I am to the point where getting out of bed to take a shower and stuff is such a challenge. I feel all alone. Jeff is great, but he isn't what I need all the time, hell I can't tell you what I need all the time. I don't even know what I need right now. I just know that I told Jeff I am tired of being so sad, I have been like this on and off for the better part of 16 years, and I am tired of it. I am tired of having no desire to do things, and when I do, I quickly realize that what I want cannot come to fruition. For instance, Jeff registered for his first intenship for his doctorate in February, he is going for four days to Denver, Colorado, I want to go but I know I can't. What would I do with the kids? How would we afford to do it? Maybe income tax or his refund from school. But then, how are we going to ever pay off our credit so we can have decent shit. I know that if your head hasn't started to spin, it is by now. Crys, this is how I live, day in and day out, every minute of my life. The Lexapro isn't working anymore, well I guess I could be worse, so I guess it is. I have no outlets. I know that at one point in time I had dreams of so many things, and they are gone.
Alright girlie, I just realized I have been grinding my teeth and because of the seperators they are really hurting, which has now caused me to get a massive headache. I know that what I have written here is not everything, but I am spent. Sorry.
Love you and miss you,
Jenn
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