hey

So i know that I have been gone for a long while and sorry about that. I have fallen off the diet train hard. I have missed weight watchers last week and I am not going to be happy going there this week because I have gained two pounds back. I am not happy but I feel as if this hasbeen such a bad month that I need to be fair to myself. I am not going to talk to much right now but we will talk soon. here anyway I hope in real life sooner.

Crystal

Happy Valentines Day

So I probally just gained about two pounds back from the way that I ate today but I have to say that today will be my cheat day and I have taken all the extra points that weight watchers has given me and then some I think and ate them all up in one night. That being said it was worth it! I had the best steak tonight and mashed potatos and salad and bread and butter and fried mozerella oh boy the list goes on and on....

Whatever.

And it was just me and john and you know what it was really nice. We were still somber and the topics of conversation could not be too lively but it was good. And I had a good time.

I am glad that you are back home as I am sure that you are too. I am staying up late because I am going to be watching big love soon and I cant wait. It is on at 11:30 so I hope I make it another hour and then hour after that.

Talk with you soon I hope and please continue to pray for us. Because while this message was a little happier it is still not a even close to happy time for us.

Talk with you soon. Hey did you ever get to look at all the pictures and posts that I had on here while you were gone???

HOpe so.

Love ya! Oh and bird says hi and happy valentines day!

C

thank god

your home.

Checking in

Hey you, just want to check in on you real fast and see how you are doing. I know that you are coping, and that is all that can be expected. Remember that I am here for you if you need me.

I am still thinking and praying everyday for everyone involved..

I am glad to hear that your weight is down! Way to go! I am going to get back to working on that now that I am back from Santa Fe for good.

I will talk to you soon.

Miss you lots love ya bunches.

Jenn

things

Ahh things.

Are the same. Today we have a meeting with the docs again and I know that it will not be a good one. We will see I will let you know what they say later on. I am alright for now.

I am wondering what the heck my life is going to be like once all the pieces from this get picked up. I dont know.

Talk with you later on.

sharing my good news with a side of guilt

I am 152 today and it feels really good. BUT I feel really bad being happy with that seeing as there are such bigger problems in the world.

John asked me today who I am losing the weight for as he always is a ball breaker and I said what is true.

I am losing weight for me. Because I dont want my heart to work harder than it should have to. And so there for my goal is to be in the healthy range for my height and no longer be over weight at all. So I need to be in between 118 and 141. I know that 118 is too thin for me and what I think I should be. So I will be happy with 141. With an offical goal of 135.

K gotta go change gab.

love ya.

all I can tell yah...

WEll.

We are still in a state of nothing.

Days are passing and we almost going into weeks here and nothing has changed. The thing that I keep thinking is that if britt is going to say keep her alive do what you need to do...then that is her choice but WHY not then speak up and say lets start therapy and whatnot. Do not just sit there with everything like hanging by a thread but who am I to say. I am just the sister in law and I have had the whole let's do what is best for Donna talk and then I pulled out. I cannot look like someone who is encouraging death over life. I of course would prefer her to live but what is living.... certaintly not lying in a bed.

Let me try to update you on me so that we can talk about something other than the elephant sitting on my soul with his trunk wrapped tightly around my neck....

I am doing shitty with my diet. By some miracle I think that I havent really gained much. I am 155.0 this Am and that is up from the 153 whatever I was but whatever is the word. I basically took a week off and when I go back to the meeting tonight I am going to try to take with me a new found energy to get back on board with this thing.

I have to get to the gym as well which now is put on hold even more due to the elephant again.

I have to find a home daycare or mom with a kid gabs age that I really like. Which is going to be REALLLY hard but I need more options. Because it is going to get really hard to get to work everyday since Heather is starting up her regular job again soon and needs to be around alot less when that starts up. She works at a seasonal restaurant. My goodness my brain is on slow. It took me forever to spell some of the words that I just typed and god knows how many are wrong.

I have been taking Xanxax that is right world I AM ON DRUGS! But Jenn it is helping and I cant deal any other way so it is what it is.

My stupid ass nail broke this morning and I gotta get it fixed beforeI chew all the other ones off so that they will match.

My gram is making me lunch tommorrow. It will be cabbage.

Gab's Pt is coming tommorrow to consult with me and look at her arches in her feet to determine if her little feet still look flat. My poor girl. They look good to me. But I am just an ass.....lol... That is my apperivation in the computer for my position......lol.

Okay the other day in rite aid I saw something that made me laugh so hard.....

The singing fish that sings give me back that filet of fish give me that fish....So stinkn funny.

I got in a little tiff with my dad the other day because he never calls me and he told me that I NEVER CALL ANYONE....and that my gramma has been waiting to here from me for two weeks. lol. I talk to her every day I told you she is going crazy.

WEll FUCK everyone.

That is what I have to say.

FUCK THEM ALL.

If they do not want to call me then Fuck um.

I cant even be bothered one more day.

So...I guess you can say. i am doing better. Moving into the angry stage. The thing that makes no sense is that I am coming to terms with the death but there still hasnt been one. I think I am coming to terms ( not over it just passed denial and shock) with the loss but havent had to deal with the DEATH itself yet. Does that make any sense???

Done.

update..

My life sucks right now.

I weigh 153.2 so thats good but I feel bad that I can say that when I am so sad on so many levels. I am not sure how I am going to recover from this one. But I can tell you this. Donna wanted me and my family to be happpy. So come hell or high water that is what I am working towards.

She is still here. No change. She is peacful on the vent with eyes closed but its not fair. She shouldnt have to sit like that. She is not responding to anything today. Not when I tickle her feet even. I dont know.

THis is the third biggest loss of my life. My mom and pop and her....It is brutal because it is all the people that I loved so dearly. I dont get it.

I sware Jenn I wish you lived in Ct. I miss you so much. But dont feel like you should try to fly here or anything like that (Because I know you have thought about it because I know you) I would never want to waste any of our time crying and since that is all I am good for right now. I would be said to waste our time.

K pray for us that we get through this and that Donna that she is not in any pain at all because I would hate it if she was.

God please take care of my dear sister.

crashing down around me...

Our world is being shaken and our life challenged.

My sister in law is dying.

My weigh, though on the back burner is good and I will try to use this loss so far as yet another reason to stay thin.

Let's pray that whatever god's plan is that it is what is best for Donna and stops her pain. We cant be selfish here but that being said I know she did not want to die.

She wanted to live.

But she wasnt doing that either.