screwed it up

Ate two packs of oatmeal with butter on top....Donna brought it when she stopped over and when she made it for herself that way it looked so good that I tried it too and it was way too good.....

ARg.

My girl is resting peacefully now thank god...

C

hey...

Hey you...

I did not realize that you had a phone to use and so my phone is in the car. I did not know that you called me so I will go out and get it! i will text you and maybe it will be you or around you....We will see!

Thanks for the congrats with the loss. i am still above the red line. BAD. You want to be BELOW OR ON but not below!

Congrats to you for getting to the gym. You still are far ahead or the game than me in that department and that is for sure!

I dont know why my little girl and boy are getting sick all the time I think it is this DAMN house! That is what I THINK!!!

I ate ok...

b egg sandwich
L coffee and some pasta with peas
D chicken and pasta and spinach
S fruit and cereal bar

So that is it in a nutshell....

I love ya chickie and I am going to get my phone!

C

Today

Crystal,

Okay so today I made myself go to the gym, I didn't want to because I am so tired, but I hadn't been in 2 days. So I went and this is how I made out:

Elliptical 5 minutes (I couldn't do 1 minute when I first started)
Treadmill 15 minutes & I DID A MILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So all in all about 160 calories, not too good, but I think it would have been worse if I wouldn't have gone at all.

I didn't eat breakfast, I just wasn't hungry.
Lunch: Homemade fettucini alfredo

I'm not sure what I am doing for dinner, hopefully something light.

I am sorry to hear that the kids are sick, I wonder why? :( I hope they get to feeling better soon.

Okay chickie I will check in on here later, I am going to go lay down, I do have to work tonight.

Love ya,
Jenn

Congrats

Hey real fast, congrats on Gab sleeping in her crib that is GREAT! As I am typing this I am hearing my Caleb cry and cry because I am trying to get him to take a nap in his crib, and he is one pissed off baby. But, he was at the point where I couldn't get him to lay down, play, or be held. So, to the crib it is, I know he is tired.

Congrats for the weight loss too! Way to go! Told you that you could do it! I on the other hand am not so lucky. And of course yesterday I ate like crap. Hot dog & nachos. Then at 1030 last night I didn't get to eat dinner, so Daniela brought stuff for sandwiches, and 2 went down the hatch. Oh well.

I will talk to you later girlie. You can always call Jeffs cell phone, and I called you on your cell from it today, so you can get the number from there.

Love ya,
Jenn

This you will never believe.....

Gab slept for two naps in her crib yesterday and she slept for five hours in her crib last night and She is sleeping in her crib again for her nap! I of course get her to sleep first and then put her in but If I can keep this up for a while I think we are going to get somewhere! YIPEE ! I might might might get some freedom at night! WOW! And for an hour or so during the day without worrying that she is going to fall off the couch or the bed! This will be great for sure!

As far as the eating goes I was ready to be a fat ass on the scale again this morning seeing as yesterday I ate so bad I did not even want to blog at all. BUT...

I WEIGH 156.8....That is in fact my lowest yet! I cannot believe it and I am so happy! God I hope it is real!
;
I did not get to go to church this morning because when Gab woke up at 3:30 am she had a high fever and I did not want to leave her in a hurry this morning. My bird has a fever too. both my kids have pink eye and I have NOTHING that I can do today ....i am not sure if I am going to send him to school tommorrow seeing how the fever is still here but he acts ok with the medication I just dont want to infect other kids...

So, That in a nut sheel has been my weekend. I am sopposed to go to a bowling party at 1 for Kelly's niece as you can see that is not going to happen. but seeing as I have been trapped in this house for two days I told John that I would prefer to do the laundry while he watchs the kids just to get out for an hour or so. not that I mind being with them and caring for them but John takes no responsiblity for anything and lives his life the way he wants. it is so damn unfair.

Anyway, Today I ate

b an egg sandwich with one egg and one slice of cheese on two slices of bread and coffee

And it is 11, So we will see what happens at lunch time....

Arg...

I will be around. I miss you and pray that whatever happens you at least have the internet. or you will have to stay at work for ten extra minutes a day to email me...miss ya!

C

Really Fast

Way to go today....you're doing great.

Please go check your e-mail. That will have to our form of communication for a while, you'll see why in the e-mail.

Today was ok...

I did ok today with my eating. I did have a lean pocket after dinner that I wish I did without but oh well. My dinner was small and so I dont feel all that bad. But I am hoping that I can be strong enough to not eat tonight!

So

B half a bagel
S no
L one stuffed pepper and some corn and mashed potatos
S no
D chicken salad sandwich and some yogurt
S melon and hot pocket

HAHA I am watching jugde judy and the lady's Last name is BATMAN....Haha!

I am so jealous that you are getting to the gym and getting it all in! I am proud of you though but Jealous all in the same! I think what I am going to do is go and get the videos at least two that you have suggested and kicking John out of the living room so that I can work out. I will try that and see what happens because I am not going to be getting to the gym until gab is older. That is something that I have to come to terms with I guess. What I can hope for I think is maybe that if I ever get back to full time the I can go on my lunch break and that will be go!

Talk to you later if I get time to get on here.....

C

Quick post

Okay, went to the gym again today and feel fabulous.

I did 15 minutes on the bike at 88 calories, then I hit the treadmill and did 30 minutes at 212 calories. I am so proud of myself because I can run in intervals of two minutes at 4.5 mph, with a 2 minute break in between each interval, doing this a minimum of 4-5 times. WOOHOO!!!!!

So a total of 300 calories today, not too bad.

Okay I am off to bed....gee at 930 in the morning.

Look at your sparkpage, I left you a comment.

Love ya girlie.

Okay so this is what I am thinking...

I really think that I need to do something more with this mission that i am on. I am wAY WAY WAY off from where I should be on the goal line on spark people and I am tempted to change the goal from 135 to 145 just so that I can be on track still but that is not a good idea. I need to work hard to get back to where I should be. SO here I going to tell you the plans that I have and I am going to start tommorrow come hell or high water. I am going to do the following.....

NOT eat at night anymore....AFTER tonight IT IS GOING TO STOP AT 7....No later!

GET MY ASS MOVING! DAMN IT! I have no frigin excuse. I live a mile if that away from a park with all trails and I have side walks on the street. What is the reason that I am not walking. I need to walk! i need to go....I have to put my girl in the stroller and GO GO GO! I am going to start looking for a jogging stroller in the tag sales. I am thinking about going this weekend and then I hope that it can be more than just walking soon!

I am thinking Hard about joining weight watchers....Here are my thoughts. If I join and set my goal within the healthy range of weight for my height, which would be 145, (with the idea that I want to be at 135) then I can work hard to get there and get life time membership. If I get there then that means that I get to go for free and have the help while I lose the last ten pounds. you see. I hope that I can find the 12 a month to get my ass there! I really want to do this for me and I think that is what will help me...

I am going to track what I eat closer and blog it here.

I am going to go to the stupid spark people website more.

And the new one that you have suggested to me.

I think that it is. Dont mind the sideways video. I hope you like to see my girl when she was learning to walk. now the little devil is running. I mean hair raising running, It is soooo funny!

C

blast from the past.....and then now!

I am trying this out and I think it might work. This is to remind you of how much time has gone by with my little girl. I know that you see it first hand with your little feller but my god look at my girl. She is so big now and old! Goodness even darren is getting bigger! I cant believe it....



I am doing a bit better with my food. I wrote it down in the planner but here it is



B bagel with Jelly and fruit and a sausage

S no

L egg white flatbread and coffee

S corn on the cob with gab and a bite of a cookie

D hamburger that I made at home and potatos that I made yummy and peas

S watermelon.



So as you can see it is ok. Not great but I wont gain weight eating this way and that is what I care most about right now.



That being said we got bad news about my sisters cat today. She has a uterus infection and is really sick. She might die. She needs a surgery that can cost up to 1200 dollars and at the low end 800. It costed 375 just to tell us that. I feel so bad. I dont know what we can do. You know I have no extra money but if my sister wants to take the money out of her cd to do it then I will give her 200. I really dont have it but I want to help somehow.



I dont know, Say a little pray for her will you....



Okay I love ya and will talk to you soon. I hope. Let me know how you are doing.



C



Oh by the way the video if it works was about a month ago.....I love her so much you know....

I agree with you that the anxiety disrder and the depression is more what you are going through rather than Biopolar which is way more ....complex. That being said. I know I sound like a broken record but you know, the pills often increase depression AND AND AND cause anxiety. When you talk to the MDS about this they suggest MORE meds. Not the answer....Only cause I love you that is why I keep saying it!

Love ya!

NOW I AM GOING TO BED!

C

I hope I get it all....

Okay I just read through your blog and I am going to try to get to it all but I am going to have to read threw it again at the end and see if I got all the points that you brought up.

Thank you for your kind words on the whole diet thing with me I really want to get it together again. I know that I slacked on SP big time but I will take a look at the web md thing that you are having luck with. I dont know why I slacked so big with SP. I guess when I fell off of the goal line and now weigh more than I should to have reached the goal by august that I have gotten down about it now. I ate good enough so we will see. I just dont want to gain anymore weight back arg.

With the april rose blog I am really sorry that you got into it too. I know that it is a struggle to balance the need to see and the need to protect yourself. I dont know why god gives people the troubles that he does and my goodness with her his will wed.s their are so many people that have it so much worse than I do but I cant help it. I really cant when it is you it feels like the world is falling down on you regardless of what other people are going through. But then when you stop and read those things it is like WOW....Who am I to complain?

So Just expect the expectable for this mom, b, and if she gets anything better than that call it a miracle. And you know what the fact that she has the baby still is a miracle already and we need to remember that. I am struggling for her too believe me.

Now, I think that it would be a great idea for you to go to counseling and while I understand that you feel like you might have bipolar I would need to hear more about what is making you think that. I have lived with someone, my mother, who did infact have bipolar and you know it runs in families and You KNOW that I afraid of one day waking up and being that woman. And I am also always wondering if the things that I go through are some form. But Jenn, Listen, If you go into counseling it does not have to be to get a label. You can share with the counselor that you are uncomfortable with that from the start. We can all walk around with a label...doesnt always make a difference. When a person decides to go into counseling we need to remember that there is alot of work that has to take place and almost ALWAYS you will feel worse rather than better when you start doing that work. You have to get through the bad to get to the good. I think that it is worth it. I DO NOT want to hear you telling me that you are going to let a counselor put you on more medication however. ....I just think that you need to look into a holistic and thearputic cure right now rather than a medicatable fix....I think that it would be a great idea for you....I actually have been thinking about it for myself too. I dont think it would hurt for your husband to join you. I know it is hard for men to get into this all. But, If your reading this Jeff, getting your thoughts and feeling out in a safe enviroment and working through what is let of the issues in your lifes together, if any that is, will be great for both of you. And since this is something that your wife is planning on doing for herself anyway I think it can only make you two all that much stronger.

Jenn, Be sure you look for a good therapist that you are comfortable with.

Flubber bubber? NO......But I get it.....

I think I thought that today too. Not in those words but in the SAME thought process! You are not that big, jenn....YOU ARE NOT! AND you are beautiful and with the hard work that you have given and the time that you have taken I only wish that you would have more numbers showing all of that. But I must say that I stand firm saying that you are doing a great job just maintaining your weight on the pills. THat is where I stand....

I know you miss your grammie....I miss her for you. I hope my mom is sitting with her....and watching over us together from the same place in heaven...with Kayleigh plaing nearby....sitting up and breathing....

I am glad to hear that there are moments in your day when you feel loved. You are loved jenn, by many. Your a great mom. Letting the kids go with the sitter this morning is nothing. She was not going to go home and come back so dont worry about it. ARe they out of school now?

I think your glasses are cute! They make you look educated! And they are cute! I know that getting your hair done is important to you. And if you can get the sitter to do it that would be good inless you can put 40 dollars anyway each check for two checks and then put it all together and get the hair done at a real place. I think that it might make you feel pretty. I enjoyed it so much. So I think that if you can find the funds you should tell your sitter thanks but you just want to have a girl's day at the salon. Just you....

Are you still doing your nails? I bit mine off! A LOOOONG time ago.

It bothers me that we have not talked either. Miss you alot. I feel bad that I missed your call. I have so much crap going on. So much. Today I had to work then get bird take donnas daughter to the store then gab to her class home for dinner and then to the pool. I am telling you I was in the car most the damn day! ARG

Whatever.

I hope thatI helped you a little here but I dont know if I did....I am not sure at all....I have to look at the blog too.

Is it going to help you to write down the things that you thought throughout the day? I think that it might be good because we can look back on the things that we say about our selves and look for progress and or patterns as it goes by. I do think that will be a good idea.

This morning I was looking at myslef in the mirror too and said ahhh I am so flabby. But you know what as soon as I put my clothes on most days that is I feel better and then I say I can deal. I think you should start there like me! I think you beautiful and so does your husband. Now you just have to see it too....

Oh Jenn......Let me read the blog again......

But for now this was my dinner

S one half a fiber bar
D subway footlong chicken no cheese no mayo
S cinniman bread with a little peanut butter and tea

So as you can see it was not great but TRUST ME it is a hell of a lot better.....

I love ya as my bestest friend forever! We do got to get on the damn phone more. After all I did put my minutes way up for us!

C

Flubber Blubber

Crys,

Do not worry about your weight. Right now I think you need to just focus on getting yourself back on track. I think that you have fallen off a little bit because of the stress and everything else in your life. I think that if you could get to the gym again that it would make you feel better. I know that I have been feeling better since I went back, although today sucked as far as eating is concerned, but hey there is always tomorrow. I will get through this. I will get back to a point where I will have healthy food in my house, and will get back on track 110%. You will too. Just take time for you. Please?

I am getting hooked on that littleaprilone site and that is not good. I don't want to put myself through another hard time. Although this one is different, I hate even thinking about someone losing a baby, it just hurts. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I just can't find that to be ok. Why would God give someone a baby only for them to lose it? There is no rationalization.

Okay, so I am thinking, and thinking hard about going into counseling. But I do think about the possible nervous breakdown I could have, or how angry I could get. I am afraid that I am bipolar...what then....where does my life go? I probably won't be able to get into the field that I love. I mean there is such a stigma agains that disease. I function fine, and am not homicidal or suicidal. Not to mention that I consider myself really intelligent. I feel like if I have to carry that diagnosis with me then I will forever be hindered from my dreams and aspirations. After all I think that my dreams and aspirations are ME....the true me.....what I want. Some may seem unattainable at the time, but who says one day I am not going to get what I want? What do I do?

The reason that I named this post the way I did is because I looked at myself today as I got out of bed the 1st time, and saw how completely I look like blubber. My skin and my shape looks like a whale.

So anyways, I was up with the baby and Jadon this morning and all of sudden there was a knock on the door. Low and behold it was my sitter. So I took it as a sign that I should let her have the kids early this morning. Afterall I had been struggling with the fact that I was exhausted and needed more sleep but felt guilty for taking the kids early. So, I went back to sleep around 830 and got back up at 11.

So I decided that I am going to start something new...see if it helps me at all. I am going to post some or all (if I can remember) my feelings or certain things I have really struggled with throughout the day. Maybe if I get some stuff out in writing it will help.

* Of course this morning I suffered guilt and the feeling of looking like a whale.
* I had a sense of depression today, mostly I am thinking from being exhausted and burned out.
* I am still thinking about my grandmother....oh God how I miss her so.
* I felt warm and fuzzy when Jeff told me good bye this morning and rubbed my leg. I felt loved when he brushed my hair away from my face after leaving the insurance office.
* Right now, I am feeling like I am getting sick, and am missing my kids something awful.
* I am struggling with the how I ate today. I can't believe it, no wonder I feel and look like a whale.
* I feel like an idiot in my glasses. No matter what I put on my face I look stupid.
* I need a new hair do. New color and highlights.

Okay, I think that is all.

Crys, I really miss talking to ya. I wish we had more phone time, but it is what it is right now. I have though about you all day and hope that everything works out in the end for you.

On a good note. I found something cool on WebMD. It is a nutrition and fitness tracker. It is under one of the drop down menus on the top of the page, but once you find it and sign up it is amazing. It has whole meals listed on there from some places. It will also tell you based on your current weight and desired weight how many calroies and stuff to eat a day. I should be eating around 1600 whcih if I did that I would be starving. But I HAVE to. I don't have any other choice.

Alright enough humming and hawing from me. It's all about you now.

Love ya,
Jenn

161

That is what I weigh. I think it is clear that I am gaining it back and at risk of failing.

That being said I have to do what worked before and set my self back up.

B egg whites and salsa and one sausage with coffee
L smart one and few pieces of honey dew melon.

Tell u the rest later. Gab is getting up from a two hour nap!!!

read three

oh my god google attachment disorders. I think it is John that has one. It is not me.

C

move to ct....

Aand read the one below this....

You too other campbells....

about that hole

About the hole that you were wondering if I put myself in. I do think that I was in one and that I am probally in there for a while. I think it is about six feet deep and shaped in a square. Not sure what the hell to do to climb out but there is dirt in my nails from trying.

What do I do when I am telling you that I want to make things right and get my shit together but I have this huge money issue that is holding me in the same hole and that I feel like John is standing at the top laughing and pushing me back down everytime I am almost out. The thing is that he lets me alomst get to the top and think that I have done it I am out and then hahaha comes back to push me back in and spits on me and laughs. That is what this feels like.

I remember when I blogged here and your hubby said just pick up and leave and get out ot this. Do you know how long that was ago? Of course I want to get out. I do so bad and if I had money and a full time job and a car then I would but the truth is that I do not see the damn light at the end of the tunnel. I DONT SEE IT! I need to get another Job and save money like crazy. But with Gab being little and the market being hard to find a job at all it is going to be so hard. AT this point I am thinking about taking a job working at a group home over nights or something. I have to get this kid back in her crib first and then do that until I get enough money saved to move and then to hire Heather to sleep at my house so that I can go and do what I need to do. Then I think about other things like what if I change my career path all together to something that I can be alot more stable in? like go get my RN. It would take me less than 2 years because I already have my BA and I would only need to take the nursing courses. I know this is coming out of npo where and I never told you about this before. but a nurse can easily make 60 grand here without trying and i can still do birth to three stuff as a nurse if I wanted on a part time basis. but I am not sure that I would want to. Blah Blah.

I did not read the blog earlier so I did not talk with you about any of this but I am do sorry that you felt like I was going somewhere. I cant tell you what the hell was going on but I was going somewhere and I was really down and I am really down but I thank god all the time that I have you and that you know me enough to know that I am not blowing you off and that in fact the times when I withdraw are the times that I need you the most.

That being said. I have not remembered what I ate today and I am not sure what the heck tommorrow will look like either because I have Kelly's shower and that type of thing cab be a killer. I am going to try to do my best. I am back to 158 point something on a good day and like we said my friend is around the corner and I can blame that a little. TMI Jeff if you are ever reading this....I always worry a bit about going on and on about girl shit and then having him be like that Crystal has no manners! I do really!

Jenn oh jenn what do I do? These are the times that I wish gab would grow up so that I can be like Love you honey but mommy has to go to work 12 hours a day to make us have a healthy home and that she would get it and be like see you later mommy, rather then pulling at my heart strings. I am starting to worry jenn that I am the one with the attachment disorder. I think I have a hard time letting her go. Jenn I think that it is me becuase even with bird going places I am weird. The other night he slept at my grams and I could barely sleep.

Whatever.

We will talk later.

I love you but the computer is dying again. i think I need a new battery..

Love ya

C

Help

My dearest Crystal,

Crysatal, Crystal, Crystal.

I know that you are having a hard time right now, I can just tell by the sound of your voice and the way that you haven't texted me, called me or anything. Maybe it is because we are not in contact like we used to be, and if it is because you think I am too busy, or because I don't call you, or whatever, please let me know so that way I can fix whatever it is I can. I feel like you are slowly slipping away from me, and in the last couple of days at a faster rate. Girl, what is going on with you? You mean so much to me I really don't want to lose you, then who would I talk to? Who could I cry to? Hell, who would understand me the way you do? We are like twins from another mother, and a different year. It is amazing how similar we are.

I too have been struggling. I am constantly craving chocolate. I try and eat decent and I haven't been doing too bad, but then I ruin it with things like butter toffee popcorn at 1/4 of a box. Or I eat chocolate and ruin it. So I too am struggling, and I don't know what I am going to do get back on track. I just don't think I am ready to give up. I know that a lot of my problem is control. I don't have any self control. Marsha brings in all the goodies, and I just can't keep my hands off of them.

So today, this is what I ate:

B-1/4 of a Cranberry Orange muffin and some strawberries
L-That turkey concoction I made NO PASTA!!!
D-Beef Tips, 2 baby red potatoes, and a serving of broccoli
S-3 Ferrero Rochers, and a 1/4 box (about) of Butter Toffee Popcorn

I know for me I have to get back to the gym. I HAVE TO. I do so much better when I am actively going. It is hard right now, but I have to give myself the time to do it. It is better for me, I feel like a million bucks when I am going.

Crys, please tell ime if there is anything I can do to help you. I feel like a bad friend, because you have seemed to go into this little shell and I don't want to have you there. I love to hear you laugh and joke. I am sorry that I didn't call you today, Caleb has been a little monster lately and so I of course have had to tend to him. He's getting more teeth in and they are really bothering him.

Okay girlie this is my schedule for the next couple of days. Saturday I am working from 7p-7a. Sunday I am working 11p-7a. I am off on Monday. Tuesday I am working 145p-11p. Then I won't be off until the following Monday again. Please, Please, Please give me a call though. I really have this feeling that I need to help you and be there for you.

Love ya bunches.

Jenn

I am losing it and I dont know how

TO get back into it. I know that it was a habit and a good one but here I am and I am not blogging not writing what I am eating and eating bad. I dont get it. Whatever

I will get there.

C

Scrumptous

Crys,

Please don't dwell on your weight right now. Give it a week or so and see what happens. Also, try and stop eating at night, you know that it makes it harder for you to lose weight.

I am working on getting back on track with my eating. I made a scrumptous meal last night I think you should try it.

Grounded Turkey 1lb
Green Chilis
Cream of Asparagus Soup
Asparagus
Pepper
Garlic Salt
Whole Wheat Pasta
Parmesean Cheese

Mix the first 6 ingredients, boil your pasta and then mix it together with the turkey and top with Parmesean Cheese. This was really good last night, I actually have left overs for today.

I weighed in this morning at 217 so I am going to definitely have to get my butt in gear. I brought limited food with me today so I force myself to drink more water. And I am thinking I deserve to take 1 hour to go to the gym.

Guess what....I BOUGHT A NEW SUV. YUP!!!! A 2005 Sequoia. Beautiful it is. I will take pics and post them later. The payments are very high, but at least I have my family in the same vehcile.

Crys, last night for the first time, I took10 minutes for myself where all I did was sit down and relax. No Tv, No radio, No nothing. I put my facial peel on, sat down on the bed, leaned my head back and just relaxed. I forced myself not to look at anything on the floor, or the fact that my dresser looks like a tornado hit it. I just closed my eyes. It was great.

Yesterday, I also sat down and watched all the videos of Kayleigh and I just lost it. I cried and cried and cried. The tears were just free flowing and I couldn't stop them. I felt a plethora of emotions ranging from complete sadness, to a sense of loss, and anger. Today I am still upset, but have a slight sense of knowing that she is in Heaven and not hurting anymore.

You know and yesterday going through everything I was having a hard time dealing with not having my grandmother. I don't think that I ever really sit down and miss her because life is just too busy. Speaking of which, I neglected to go out to the cemetary and see her. That is horrible of me to not make the time for her. What is 1 hour of my life?

Today I work until 4 so I won't even be able to get the kids until 5 or so. Jeff should be home around 10 or 11 tonight, I am looking forward to that.

Girlie I really miss talking to you, again life is so busy right now. I really do appreciate the kind words though. And besides Jeff you are the only one who truly sees and appreciates me. I couldn't ask for a better friend. You are amazing. One day I will get to see you. Although now with this payment I went and made, I can't guarantee when.

sigh sigh sigh

160.2.

Speaks for itself.

T tried today and did ok. I walked alot but I dont think it will do anything other than keep me from gaining more. That is all that I can say about that.

Love ya!

c

I see you.....

I see you.

Even though I dont get to often or in person. I see you. And next to my kids your the most beautiful person I know. I love you more each time I talk to you and laugh with you and need you or feel needed by you. You are a great friend and mother and I admire you.

I SEE YOU and what I see is a miracle. I dont know what I would do with out you.....

You are the best friend I have ever known.

And there are other people that see you, the real you, and love you...There are five of those people in your house.......

Now


Move to CT


C

I have had way too much to eat lately. Its no wonder I am not being recognized and am still invisible to people. Maybe one day.

She's coming back!!!

In Honor of my sister coming back here are some pictures that she sent me when she was away in italy. I think that I am in love with the idea of adding pics to each post. So if they get annoying then I am really sorry!

I had a tough day today and yesterday too. I wasnt able to really talk to you about it but I cant wait for you to be at home so that I can bend your ear a bit. I hope that you are having a good visit and that Caleb is doing better. I feel so bad that I forgot to ask how he was when we talkted for a few minutes today. Sorry.

Poor feller.

I know that you are having a hard time with the weight lose mission and I just want to tell you to keep it up. i am really finding that you are my motivation you are so determined. I know that I have said this before but I feel like you are swimming against the current because of the meds. you might want to tell the Dr how hard you work and ask if they could be holding you back and is there something that you can do to counteract or help with that.

I ate today....

A half bagel and sausage

B animal crackers and applesauce

L beef a roni and the other half of bagel with iced coffee

D hamburger with no bunch, beans and sweet potato

S cereal

I know I did not do great but it is really important that I tell you what I ate now. Because I think that is something that I need to get good at again.

K gab is getting up on me. She is not sleeping well tonight.

Love ya!

C

few more than I am done....

Got it back!

Yipee I can add pics again! I dont know what was wrong but I know that it is working again and that is all that I care about. This pic up there is a picture of gab at the muesum. i know it is a bit old but I figure that it was a cute one and so I am sharing.

I yelled kinda at john last night because I am so mad that I dont get to go to the gym. It is soooo unfair! ARg.

Today I ate 1 half of the bagel and a few sausage and for a snack I had some apple sauce and animal crackers. It was okay I think.

I will let you know for sure how i am doing later.

Love ya!

C

Worried about you. I havent heard from you and I will be calling or texting soon to see what is up. I am not sure if you tried to text me this morning but my phone was shut off for a little while because the damn bill was too high. Nice huh....Whatever! We missed Kaylieghs family on the drs but just to let you know the show had two organizations that gave them 20,000 each and a legal place that is going to help them with whatever they need. If you can get online go to their webpage they have nice things about her on there. I think it is the doctors .com but it is not hard to find at all.

I am not eating all that good the last few days.

I weigh 158.2. I know that is better than last week but there was a time that I was done one more pound and I gained it back and that makes me sad. People are seeing that I have lost weight though. I have gotta alot of WOW you lost a ton of weight comments and I like that but I really want to lose this last 17 pounds and then I will feel really well. I have to get to the gym. That is what is missing. you cant lose the last bit of weight by eating good and praying. I am also having issues with the computer because it wont let me add more pictures. I dont know what is going on. but I am going to delete the ones that I dont need and see if that helps. Arg. K Love you lots!

C ttalk to you later too!

Hey Girl,

This is one of my favorite pictures of gab when she and I went to playgroup. You went and opened the door for pics and I figured it out and now I am going to run with it so forgive me for any over load!

I guess I did okay today but I dont feel like thinking about it too much since My head is killing me and I must have caught your head ache. Over the phone. Ha!

Love ya and I hope you had a great mothers day. I am going to see if I can add a photo but I dont know if I can figure it out.

Hmmmm

Crys,

Not sure how to title this one. Hmmm....

Well yesterday was a decent day I guess. It really didn't go as planned at all. Partially it was my fault because I didn't wrap his gifts the day before, but oh well he is only 1 and will not remember this. He had lots of fun though I am going to try and upload some pics....here it goes.

Caleb's 1st birthday:











Okay, so I'm not exactly sure how do to this yet but I think you get the picture.



Here are some more of him eating a skinny cow ice cream sandwich:






He loved the ice cream sandwich! He ate the whole thing!!!! I am surprised he didn't have an upset tummy last night after all the sweets he had.


Okay girl, I am being a bad mom, I still need to change Caleb and get him dressed, and I think I am going to go to church today. There is no reason why I shouldn't, I don't go to work until 3.

I am really glad that you had a great day yesterday, it warms my heart to know that you still find enjoyment out of things, even if they are short lived.


Yesterday I ate:

B-Whole wheat English Muffin with an egg and a tiny bit of Mozzarella cheese
L-A honey mustard grilled snack wrap from McDonlads
D-About 45 pringles, Ramen and a skinny cow ice cream sandwich


Today so far:

B-Cinnamon Raisin Bread (1x80 calories) with a spat of Light Heart Healthy butter and a Danactive Drink with a glass of Orange Juice. (I'm guesstimating about 320 calories.)


Have a great day girlie.


Love ya, and thanks for being my friend and sister.

Jenn

Happy Birthday to CALEB!!!

I hope that you guys had a great day together and that Caleb loved his cake! We had alot of fun at gabs party. there was some drama but I will tell you about that tommorrow.

I ate bad because of the party. had a piece of cake and all. Whatever. It was not all that bad because I only had two slices of pizza and did alot of running around.

So it s what it is....But hope you guys Had a great day too. I am Glad that I did not bring extra cake home because I would eat it now!

C

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GAB!!!

Happy birthday to gab! Happy birthday to Caleb!! TWO OF THE cutest babies ever!!!

K rest of the day

dinner hamburger with beans and cucmumbers

S strawberries

And you saw the things that I ate this morning.

So I did ok, just ok.

Love ya! So nie to see your face tonight!

C

Feelings

Crys, let me tell you I am feeling the same sentiment as you right now, and have for a while. I feel the exact same as you about you. I am just a person in a body with no sense of direction or notion of who I am. I am sorry that you feel this way, trust me I want you to be happy and know who you are. I don't think (although I could be wrong) there are many worse feelings than being a stranger in your own body.

I too am struggling with the whole diet thing.

B&L- Denny's French Toast Slam and 1 of Caleb's chicken nuggets.

HMMMM....SUCKS!!!!!!

I am looking forward to hopefully getting back to the gym. I have to. It is such a stress relief for me.

Crys, about the whole car thing, I know it is difficult and you are definitely feeling a sense of loss. The one thing that you could say was yours. Just remember, God does things for a reason, even if we never find out what those reasons are. I wish I could help you out, I really do.

Okay girlie, you are on Skype, I'm going to hit you up!

Love ya,
J

later I will do the birthday post for now it is all me....

Oh bah humbug

I think the theme of my posts have changed and I have noticed that I am never happy anymore and that is very sad. You know. Arg. It is the damn car issue. I know that it is nuts but it is really getting me down the only thing that I had that got me the hell out of this place something that was mine and all mine is gone. And now I rely rely rely I dont think that is spelled right at all on someone esle and I hate it. Jenn if I could just win the lottery not a ton just enough it would be so great and the first thing I would do is pay for first class tickets for you and the fam to come visit me and for us to al have a great time going to disney or something like that that normal families do together. ARG again.

What right do I have to complain. I ask myself when there are people out there that do have nothing or that have a baby dying in the NICU. I dont have the right but god this challenging life that I have is killing me on the inside regardless of how much worse it could be. I just sit here thinking it must be able to get better. Some how it must and it never fails to get worse. What the hell?

I currently and struggling with the diet too. I am not tracking as well as I should but I am going to be today so no stress about that but also I am eating worse and working out a bit more and it is getting me no where fast. I think that it must be all the stress on my plate. I sware I went from young at heart and body to an old hag over night. I am not kidding I am feeling old and while I dont think that I look it yet really if I let this go on over and over it will catch up with me. ARg again. LaDee da

I want to be able to breath.

To rest.

To feel safe in my skin and home.

I want to tell someone what I think and care about and like and have them give a shit about it all.

I want my life back. Where did it go? WHere did it go? I am no longer be but A person in a body without any real direction. I have lost 30 pounds and feel so much heavier because of the stress on my soul. I go to god each and every weekend and pray on other days and I have yet to hear a answer.

Please god I need your help....That is what I have shortened it to. I am not even asking for anything in particular just help.

Help me find me and then

Get to Jenn.

Or then there is my real hope...

MOVE TO CT....

B watermelon

L egg whites and veggies a piece of toast and some home fries


C

Okay well the good news I got to the gym and the bad news it was not drama free.but whatever. When will it be for me? NEVER!

So this is what I ate

B bagel and sausage
S coffee
L pasta ronis 300 calories about and peas
D pizza bad but oh well

And I went to the gym and burned 350 calories. Then came home and got yelled at. Whatever. I cant go during the day without problems I cant go at night without problems I cant go. because I think hed rather me not lose any more weight. Or get in shape.

That being said, I ran on 6 for one minute and then on 7 for one minute and walked the rest of the 20, and did 25 on the thing you hate.

Okay love ya good night!

C

Lunch

Okay here is lunch & snack:

L-1 piece of french bread browned in olive oil with tuna fish and a salad with the rest of the tuna fish
S-m&m's (oeanut) and a Dr Pepper

So I can see my downfall right now is the snacks, I did have grapes washed and ready to go, but of course left them at home.

Post later with my dinner...should be Healthy choice vegetable beef soup! MMMMMMM!!!! And less than 120 calories.

J

What the heck is this....?

160.0.

I dont know. I told you that I had eaten at night for a few night but I was still 158 yesterday and today i wa 160 of course on my weigh in day. Arg.. I will let you know tommorrow what happens. I will update later but this morning I ate good.

b haft bagel and sausage

Talk to you later!

C

Spoardic

Okay, so today is probably going to be sporadic with my postings, and some will probably come from my cell.

B-1 cup multigrain cheerios with 1/2 cup of milk 1/2 a large banana and a danactive yogurt drink. All in all around 300 calories (I hope)

Lets see what the rest of today brings. I am completely exhausted and could use some more sleep, but the less time I have to have Caleb with the sitter, the better I will feel. Even if I lessen it by 2 hours.

Talk to you later.

Love ya

Look below here too/

K I forgot the food.

B pancakes and sausage
L meatball sandwich at home peas and a few tater tots
S a very few bites of ice cream tiny bit no lie
D turkey and cheese and mac salad

That is it so far.

C

You got me there

You really got me when you said that you knew that your gramma would know what to say. I know what you mean. There are so many times that I sit here and say that my mother would have known what to say and what to do to get out of this mess and make my life better. I am telling you I have never been in a bigger jam. I feel like I have moved backwards and settled into loserville. Arg. no Car no savings no money no man that loves me and no mother. Wow boo hoo me. Anyway I have a bit of good news my own drum roll I cewed off all my nails and now I can type like normal again and I am happy for sure!

I ate okay today but the thing is that I have been eating a bit more at night and that is making me a bit bummed. I have not really gained anything from it but it is something that I need to fix. I told my brother that we would go to the gym tonight. I know that you are surprised about that! but yup I had made the plans with him and then forgot so we are going to be trying to go tommorrow and I really hope that I dont forget then.

Any way there is another thing that my tv show or in other words my friend that I get to see each night. On the show there is this little boy that is 11 and he is having a hard time with the fact that his parents are getting divorced and they are getting in fights and all around him. I just wanted you to get a background. any way the kid was being really good one week and then he was being really bad the next week and the dad was telling the therapist about it. The therapist said this....You son was trying to be on his best behavior to see if that would solve all of the problems because he thinks that he is the cause to them and when it did not work he decided to be extra bad to you to try to make you feel just as bad as he did for still not getting any attention. this is me. In a nut shell. Read it again if you need to but you will see me for sure.

Kelly stopped by for a few minutes today. She needed to take her husband lol somewhere and then she needed a place to stop by. I told her that she is gonna do better than me and that I have faith in her. but the truth is I dont have any faith in the convenet of marriage anymore. I think that it is dead. I am for real, maybe a bit bitter and burnt but what the hell. There was a time when people got married after a year or so of dating and you know what they loved and cared for each other come hell or high water and that was that. I dont even know if I will ever get my day. Maybe when My kids are grown up and I am like 40 I will find some guy that wants to get married but you know what I am just so sick of feeling lonely. SO SICK OF IT! What the hell do I have to do to get some attentuon. EVEN ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING.

I think I should be gay too. Darn, I would get even less action then.

lol.

Move to Ct we can be married and not have sex and I would be happier. lol.

Oh Jenn I used the blog for trash tonight but I know that you are work and may be able to read it and that makes me happy to be able to share.

That being said a bit of good news.

I have to apply to grad school and it will be 50 dollars, I should get in to that for sure.
Then I need to apply to the MSW program for the Fall 2010 and I found out that I have all the requirements to get in there and if I take these three courses in the mean time and do well then I t will give me extra credit to get into the program.

It will take between 2 and 4 years and then I will be able to get somewhere....Somewhere far away....from this point where I feel llike a loser. and I am told that I am bringing HIM down.

ME

Okay my love, I will be talking to you tommorrow I hope and of course that face to face asap on Friday.

Thank you teeth for getting these nails off and thank you jenn for being my friend. If you ever need to talk to me about anything that you are going through let me know and all I can tell you is that time does not heal all but it does help.

I am also sorry abbout the eye glasses and I hope that you and your girl are seeing clearer soon.

C

Try again

Crys,

I tried to type this yesterday, but never got to finish it.

Yesterday this is what I ate:

B-12-15 dry Kashi Cinnamon Harvest squares
L-Tuna salad and Tuna on toasted french bread (3x3 Inch)
D-cranberry chicken salad (230 calories) and a slice of pizza

Not too bad, but then you add in the 1/2 bag of M&M's AND 2/3 of a Dr. Pepper and all of it goes down the toilet.

Today, Autumn and I had eye appts got out at noon and stopped by Burger King, and yes I ate a whopper with onion rings and drank most of my Dr. Pepper. For breakfast I ate good though, 1/2 a bagel with PB and 3/4 of an apple. So needless to say today is shot, but it is what it is, right?

I am hoping to move to CT, trust me, it is just going to take some time. I have a plane that I am going to put $100 away a month and then by the time I have enough money saved I will have my degree and some experience under my belt. So it is a work in progress.

Well today at the eye dr. we found out that Autumn has a convergence disorder and needs.....drum roll please.....BIFOCALS! My poor baby. So I am going to shell out the extra 100 bucks so she can have no lines. I on the other hand am just needing a stronger prescription, with both orders we are going to shell out over $600. YUP! Without insurance it would have been close to if not over $!500. So I guess thank God for VSP.

I am still just breathing. I am having a hard time with the whole grandmother thing, I have sat back already at numerous times and said "WOW I could really talk to her right now, she would know what to say." So needless to say I am still not over the whole issue.

I miss talking to ya girl....I've needed a shoulder to cry on a couple of times now, and it's either too late or I am at work or something else gets in the way. I really could use a talk with ya though, hopefully on Friday when we are both off.

I'm glad to hear about you seriously thinking about going back to school, I think that would be awesome. Congrats!

Okay chickie, I am at work like always, I will talk to you soon.

Love ya,

Jenn

And this makes 200!!!

This is our 200th post! I would say that that shows devotion to the matter at hand what do you think? I am okay today as I hope you are too. I am thinking alot more about going back to school and I even called the grad school today to make an appt. I am waiting for them to call me back. Anyways, I hope you are doing well and everything is god for you.

So far I ate

B pancakes and sauasage with coffee

But it is only 12 ish and my tummy is rummbling so we will see.

Talk to you later lovey..

C

Okay this is what I ate today

B bagel and coffee
S no
L macoroni with sauce and meatballs at grammies
S fruit with whipped cream light
D pasta with olive oil broccolli and cheese
S a few mini candy bars 4.to be exact, and glass of ff milk.

Okay I know that I ate alot today, and alot or most was carbs so jenn you are probally shaking your head but anyway I walkes two and half miles so cancel out my snacks or something..:)

Move to Ct


Love ya

C

This is what I ate today...

B pancakes and sausage
S no
L grilled cheese and corn
S a piece of gab dounut and a banana with coffee
D pork chop a potato corn and some stuffing i know bad I know....
S granola bar with peanut butter and FF milk

I feel like I ate a ton today.....But I am starting again tommorrow. And tommorrow is the walk for autism that I am doing with my co workers and that will be a bit of excerise built in!

Talk to you tommorrow I hope...

And start packing, you all need to move to CT......

C