good bye old fellow

Jenn,

So sorry about your gentle gaint. I love you and I hope that you guys are all hanging in there. :)

hey girl

hey girl whats up. I tried to send you two videos today when I was taking a walk by the beach. I dont think they went through because of the size. That sucks! I hope you are doing well. The other night, last night my agram was crying and begging me to go visit her. So sorry that I didnt call you back. My head was kinda spinning. My gramma therapist said that she can go home and that the family has to make arrangements. The problem is that my family is not making those arrangments and so now my gram is like I am just leaving and I dont give a fuck what any of you say.I am going home. But home is to an apartment alone. And she cannot even get onto a toilet alone. So that has me stressed out and I was trying to reason with her to hang in there for a little more at the place but there really is no convincing her. So I am not really sure what that means. Honestly. It is so sad and stressful. I wish one of my shitty family members would take her in for a few weeks while she hopefully gets even stronger. I dont know.

Other than that I am ok. I have alot of stuff coming to the end for school and that is stressful but it is ok. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am so close to done so it is what it is. My last offical class is May 18th which is right around the corner and then I have the whole summer off! I will miss the people at school believe me but I am really ready to have some time to just work and play with the kids. It will be good to not have so much on my plate for a while. Maybe I will actually have more time to chat with you (I know you will be busy with all your work), type on here, go to the gym, and to maybe take a zumba class!

By the way I stayed about the same this week at weight watchers. I was just 4 onces up and given easter was the day before I got weighted that is not all that bad! I wish it would go a little faster for me this time but whatever right?

Anyway I have to go wash gabs hair and get her into bed. I am looking forward to laying down. We were just running around outside for a hour or so and I am ready to sleep more than her! She is in far better shape then I am. lol.

Nervous, Nervous

Hey lady,

I have my appointment tomorrow and I am uber nervous. I was telling Jeff tonight that I have felt "normal" for at least 2 days now and on days when I feel like this I can't help but think I will be doing nothing but wasting money. But, I know I need it for the days when I am doing really bad, and who knows, tomorrow may be one of those days. Jeff made a comment about something for mothers day and I responded by saying: "All I want to do is be normal and happy." And then I cried.

Besides, I hear you on the phone and you are a different Crystal. You're more assertive and more confident in yourself. It's taking some getting used to! But SO in a good way! I really like the way you sound and you make me want to sound the same way. I feel happy for you because I feel like you finally found freedom to be the Crystal you always wanted to be! Great for you! One day, I will be the same way. I feel so bad because when we used to talk I feel like I used you as a bouncing board and a councelor. You always know what to say and to make me feel better, yet I'm wasn't paying you! So, my apologies.

Well lady, I am beat. I did my school work for tonight and I am just not feeling too hot. Not sure if its my allergies or a cold, but I have a sore throat and just feel kind of blah.

You know, I have noticed in the last couple weeks that I don't spend enough time with Caleb at all. I mean I'm home with him all the time, but I don't really spend time with him. I need to get him to the library and read or I don't know something else. My major malfunction is going to be the heat that has started to consume us! It is getting miserable and I am so sensitive to it that the playground is just so unenjoyable. I have to make time for him here at the house too. We have coloring books and puzzles, but I've noticed that he really doesn't play with those very long. 5-10 minutes max and then he is done. Any ideas? Let me know oh great one!

Love ya
Jenn

Crazy Day

I have had one of those days where I am ready to scream, pull my hair out, and go get drunk! Caleb has been fresh all day. He won't stay dressed! Since he figured out how to take off his shirts, he refuses to keep any clothes on but his underwear. It drives my completely crazy. He has cried more than normal today, and is being completely defiant. Oh well, the day is almost over! I know it is bad to think of it that way, but I must think of it that way right now. I hope that you had a great day at work and that school is going well. I will talk to you later. Love ya, Jenn

Thanks

Hey you, thanks for telling me that you have the same problems with Gabbie. You know me, I have a bent sense of reality and believe that I am the only one who has this problem, so obviously I am doing something wrong. I keep working on it. Really fast, if you wanted to buy the products I can get you in touch with, you would need to go to www.bringingwellnesshome.com/jlcwellness and fill out the contact form. I would call you with my mentor and we would do just a short "interview" and then we would get you in for a free presentation. After that we would get you enrolled and you could place your first order by the next day I think. I really appreciate you being so willing to help me out. I love you so much! Alright sweety, I am going to get off of here. I am going to try and work on my paper that is due by Sunday. I don't have any of the resources because I had already started gathering them for my other topic, so I have a lot of work ahead of me. Oh, I am going back to dispatching part-time and part-time only because I need an outlet. I am not a person to stay locked up in a house all the time. I love being home with Caleb and that is why I am only going back part-time. Besides I have to keep my certification active. So, I will probably be working every other weekend right now. After Cara goes back to work from her paternal leave, then I might be able to get about 2 days a week in. It's something right. I am hoping and praying that I can put the money I make into a savings "vacation" account, so we can start taking vacations once a year. But, we shall see. We aren't doing too bad right now. I just saved us $100 a month on cellphones and $30 a month on car insurance. So, it's something. There really isn't anything else I can cut. We could cut out our life insurance, but Jeff has me covered at $50,000 and each of the kids at $10,000. We can't get him covered because of his diabetes, but that's ok. So, it looks like right now I am stuck just paying what we've got. Okay chickie, I love ya. Hope all is going well. Jenn

same fights!

Girl, good for you with your business adventure. I am very proud of you for starting something sp positive and I hope it catches on like wild fire. Can I order things off some site in your name? I will if you tell me how. Anything helps when you are starting out! And I love the idea. Thanks for the info on the wipes. I dont have them in the house and now I wont. I cannot wait for school to be over for me. I know you will still be busy but hopefully things will be a bit earlier. Really, the best thing I ever did was put myself into therapy. BEST THING. If you want to do it...do it. But stick to it. I have been in since November... and I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. I did alot of circle talking sure but it helped me. I really know that this is what is helping me make this change. That and some really great professors and classmates that have helped me realize that I am not STUCK in a cage the way I thought I was. They of course, have no idea that I felt that way in the first place. They just helped me by seeing me. Day in and day out week after week as the person I thought I was and John said I wasn't. I used to think everyone who said anything good about me... you or anyone esle was wrong and John was right. I was shitty. But girl, I know that this is so false. You were right along. And I am not stuck. Am I where I want to be right at this moment, no. Will I be here forever? NO.....!!! This is the thought I hold onto. Gab just got out of the tubbie. I gotta get her before she falls on her face. She had a tough day. And girl Caleb sounds like a boy Gabbie. So, I know your pain. DOnt think I dont care because I am not telling you try this or try that. rather I am fighting the same battles!!!!!

Hey Woman!

I'm glad that you are able to work things out in the room with your therapist. That is great! The more you talk about it the more I think I should get back in there. The reason I don't is because I just feel like I am talking in circles most of the time and not getting anything accomplished, albeit the longest I have gone is maybe a month or two, so I really can't say that I have ever given it a chance!

Well moving onto my business. Essentially I am a consumer direct marketer which means, I promote my business online to others in two fashions: one from a business opportunity perspective and second from a product prospective. I love my products. They are all eco-friendly, no carcinogens, no toxins or harmful chemicals, just pure and natural...well nature! They don't smell as good as the store brand stuff does, BUT they work BETTER and they are natural! Our corporate partner has a line of all natural beauty products, hair care items, stuff for the kids, toothpaste, cleaners, air freshners, candles, I mean they have everything that you use in your house today in a natural element. They have the absolute best vitamins there are! Girl, I could go on and on. I know you don't go on facebook, so I will post some links here for you to check out! The information is phenomenal! http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/household/carcinogens_home.htm That is the only one that I found tonight, but I always look for more information! OH! Clorox wipes, HORRIBLE for you to use! We have an equivalent wipe that is just as durable and cleans better just natural. Prices are comparable too because the products I buy are at WHOLESALE prices! SO, this is what I do day in and day out hours a day, post ads and links and stuff like that so I can try and promote my business! I also had business cards made, made flyers, and am going to start posting those around the city and see if I can't get any hits! If you know anyone who is looking to work from home or are looking for eco-friendly cleaning products spread the word and have them get in contact with me through my website: http://www.jlcwellness.com/

So, moving on. Sorry to hear about Gabbie. You know I NEVER had to do anything for Caleb at night, the second he had potty training down he automatically trained at night too. I think he has had 2 accidents but I think both times he had a fever. But yes, with the other kids I just got a waterproof mattress cover and put it on until they were completely trained. But if she is waking up dry in the mornings then I don't think that you will have to worry to much about it.

Okay onto school. Girl it is so hard for me sometimes. I never thought that I would have such a hard time doing a masters! As you know I am going through Saint Josephs University out of Pennsylvania and it is a Jesuit school. I had gone to another school similar to this and it was just as hard, I just think that the cirriculum at a religious school is more difficult, but I could be wrong. Right now I am taking an Ethics in Criminal Justice class and we started out with philosphers such as Kant, J.S. Mill, and others. We are speaking on such difficult topics as censorship and pornography as well as police brutality. It really is just a bit more difficult. My first research paper is due in 2 1/2 weeks, 3500 words. That's not so hard. My initial topic was going to be Police Discretion: Are ethics always considred. She called me today to talk about it and said that it was way too broad, which I knew, BUT we narrowed it down to Police Discretion in instances of Intimate Relationships. Now, here is the kicker, I mentioned how I had to move to my bedroom because the kids were home and I would need quiet. At the end of our conversation she said: "Now, having 4 children of my own, I know that if I don't put a time limit on this it will never get done, so I need your rough draft by Sunday." WHAT?! I need to do more research and stuff. Well now you can tell what I am going to be these next 3 days or so! But, she was really, really helpful and she talked me through some things, but she did it by making me think and talk it out. She was really amazing and I am so grateful that I have someone to help me!

Next semester which for me starts May 9th, I am scheduled for 2 classes: Basic Principles of Behavioral Analysis Criminological Theory So, these should be quite challenging and yet rewarding. I am sure they ar going to require a lot of hard work! But, I will make it through. Right now I am carrying a 92 in this class, so not too bad for my first graduate class.

Man, let me tell you Caleb is a demon! I read an article on line from Circle of Moms website and they said that to stop children from arguing and screaming that the parents have to change themselves first. So, today I decided that I wasn't going to raise my voice at him, I was going to let him throw a fit and when he was done, we would sit down and talk about it. Well, he had a hard start to the morning because my mom and I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff and he wanted to push the basket. Fine, it's early there really isn't a lot of people there, I'll let him do it. Well he was walking so slow, and I could tell my mom was getting impatient, so I picked him up and put him in the basket. OH MY GOODNESS CRYS YOU WOULD THINK I WAS KILLING HIM!!! He screamed at the top of lungs, he cried, kicked, hit and tried getting out of the basket! I ignored it, thinking nope I am not going to give in and let him out of the basket, I am going to make him stay in there because I am the mother and he is the child. I listened to that no lie for 20 minutes! He finally started to settle down and I let him out. He does this all the time!

I have gotten really good about not giving him too many choices. Like for breakfast I don't ask him what he wants anymore I just make something. I don't always ask him what he wants to drink I just give him something. And for the most part he is ok with it. There are just some times that he can't deal with it and he loses his mind! I have to admit though I only raised my voice 2 times today. So, it is a vast improvement! You know the sad thing is that I love him so much and I hate to see him cry and be so sad all the time, but Crys he is out of control. He cries if he doesn't get a banana when he asks for it, he cries if we won't sit down and play Batman on the Xbox, he cries if we tell him no. I just don't know what to do anymore. My neice tells me I have to be stronger than he is and just hold fast to what I say, and trust me I do a really good job. But it is by far the most stressful thing I have ever had to do!

Okay chickie, I am exhausted like always. I am going to get off of here and go get ready for bed. I KNOW that Gabbie is going to be just fine in her potty training. You will see how easy it is. I am so happy that you finally have some freedom from your relationship with John. You can now work on Crystal and be the person you have always wanted to be!

Love you and miss you tons. Hope to speak to you on the phone one day again. LOL!

Jenn

more info please!!!

SO why dont yah tell me what you are selling and point me in the direction for me to bye some and help you out! LOL! I want to know more about it. And there really is no reason why I havent talked to you about the John thing besides for the fact that I am in therapy and working it out in that room! And I really am not letting those issues bother me any more. I feel a sense of comfidence and relief that it is over. There for I am not worried about it. I just go on with my days que sera sera... lol. I dont know if that is how you spell it but you know what I mean. I dont know about this freshy gab she is so stubborn. She went about ten times but now refused the last three days. I really cannot wait until next week because I am going to take a few days off and work on this hard!!! I am not wasting anymore money on diapers! So she has about 100 left and then there are no more. But maybe a stash of pull ups for night time. Is that what you do or do you just use a cover for Caleb's bed? I guess I should get one of those soon! Seeing as we are finally moving ahead, slowly and stubbornly but still none the less. Lol. CC

touching base.

Hey got your text today. I am doing fine today. Working on sticking to this diet! And it was nice out so I was so happy to get outside today. Yipee. Me and gab just got to take a walk around but it is something. I think it must of been about 70 which to me feels like tee shirt time! I hope you are doing well and I miss you and love you and I still waiting to hear all the details about what you have been up to with work and school.

WOOT

Hey lady,

SOOOOO glad to hear about Gabbie. That is so great! She's doing it! That is all that matters, by her birthday she will be completely potty trained!

I'm glad that you are doing so well in school, I knew you would.

I am so sorry to hear about John and you. That makes me sad. It bothers me even more that you won't talk to me about it. I don't want you going through that alone. I know how hard it is let alone doing it all by yourself.

I can't believe that girl from work wouldn't stick with it. If she has asthma that is all the more reason to do it! Less weight equals less work for your heart and lungs. Whatever. If I was there with you I would so do it with you.

Girl, I hear you about class. Mine is kicking my booty! I flew through my bachelors like it was nothing, but this class is some of the hardest work ever! I just think because it is a lot of critical thinking not to mention it is a class on ethics and morals and values, which is never easy! We started week 1 off reading philosophical things out of Stanford! But, I made it and I think my grade right now is a 92. I have a paper that is due now in less than 3 weeks, minimum of 3500 words. So, about 7 pages, but it has to be substantial content. We shall see I am going to be working on it tomorrow for sure!

I have 2 classes that are starting on May 9th, one I know for sure is The principles of Behavioral Analysis, that should be a lot of fun, I'm looking forward to it.

Girl, my at home business is taking so much out of me to get going. But, I keep working at it. There is money to be made, but again over time. I love it though, and I love the products.

Caleb is still being his devlish self, but he is so smart. I am trying to make him understand things so if he asks me a question and the answe is no, and he asks again, I simply say to him "What did mommy say?" he will answer no and then I ask him why I said no. (I always give him an explanation.) Right, wrong or indifferent, right now I think he needs to know why. He is super smart too, do you know he can already finish my sentences for me? LOL! I can say something like "Where is your....." and he will say "cup, blanket, toy" or whatever the object of the conversation was! It's amazing!

Well chickie, I know that there is more I am supposed to say and more I want to say but it is 1030 here and I am just exhausted. I can't even think straight. So, I am going to get off here and go to bed.

Love you and miss you bunches.

Hey lady. So we had our big presentation today at school and now I am basically done with one class. I still have the online work to do but it is not all that bad and we do have one more class meeting time but even that is no biggie because it is the other two groups presenting. I, just have to sit back and relax. I am happy because that is one more thing off my plate. Seeing as there are so many! Then tommorrow night I have to be up very late working on my paper that is due tommorrow for another class. It isn't all that long but it is a lot of work so that will be a lattttte night seeing as I do not even get home from class until 11. I should do it tonight but for some reason I dont want to. I think because I had so much to do today. I am doing good diet wise this week. Let's hope it pays off. Of course it is only tuesday but I feel refreshed and I am doing it so that is what counts. Gabbie wants me to play in her tent gotta run. love ya.

up up up. I gained.

hey. So this week at weight watchers I gained back .6 so basically I have lost less than a pound. That drives me nuts but I fell off track and I knew that it was happening. See I had a girl that I knew from work join with me last week and I had already been a week in and I was doing okay. But the girl that I brought was so not into it and quit the very next day before she even gave it a shot saying it was to hard and too annoying etc and that she went to the dr and the dr said that she has asthma so now she cant be bothered with doing weight watchers. Makes no sense right? Arg. Anyway so I am in it alone. And I dont go on and on about it but John and I are at the worse that we have ever been no lie but I really am at the point where I do not care and I am just waiting to be able to move out or for him to move out. It is deff. over. There is nothing left at all but maybe every once in a while a little glimmer of something but it is a second a fleeting second and then it is gone. We have barely spoken for two months and when we do it is about the kids and that is it. He tries to get me to give in but I am not. I am not trying anymore. I gave my ring back about a month ago and have no asked for it back once. Surprise! Well, I didnt say anything because I hate looking like a jack ass when I cry to you etc and then just go back. but this time is different there are no more tears. Those days are long gone and so it is not something that I want to waste to much time telling you about you know. But I go on this blog and look at some of the things that I said to you about him and I so long ago and it makes me nuts to think that I waited this long to get to this point. Where I dont give a fuck but I am here no. And honestly in lots of ways life is easier. I dont worry about the lies etc. I just cut him right off when he starts explaining something and say point blank I believe nothing you tell me so I would rather not hear your bullshit. Or I dont answer the phone in the first place. WEll, with all this going on life is tough in some other ways. It is tough because I am trying to balance everything and not ask him for anything. I mean I take time for myself now but alot of that revolves around school. And you know as much as we like school it is not a break not really it is tough. I would say that a few of my classes are break like but I do not feel like all the work is fun. No. A few pieces are. Like this blog we have to go on and talk back and forth with the class etc. that I like. I have a professor I have some type of weird crush. Wierd because he is an old guy. I like old guys lol. But he is just so smart and fun to listen to and complex and wow. And single to Ha! But no I am telling you I am ready to be single. For a long time, I dont even want to date. Not a single drive for a man. I want to work on mememememe. And then maybe some day. That does not mean that I am dead and dont think it might be nice to have someone to cuddle with or whatever I just havent even gotten that far in my head. You know I am so focused on getting out of the rut that I am in it is hard to think about what it might be like to move on. What esle? I think that is about it for now. Gab went potty like 10 times in the last few days so I am happy with that. She is still not offically trained and will have accidents if I leave her in undies. SO I am going to take some time off next week and see if I can help get her over this edge. But it is coming there is a light at the end of the tunnel finally and that is really all that I can ask for. All the sudden darren likes to watch wrestling. I think it is so funny. Omg Gab just cam out from under her blankets and she is naked. I forgot to dress her after her bath. I am so air headed. Love you miss you....

:) Baby showers are bad for dietsssss!

I am pretty sure that I gained back the pound that I lost at my cousins dumb baby shower today. Let's hope not but i dont know. Anyway. I am tired!! Long day and now back to work tommorrow and I am really not looking forward to it!!!! I hope that your day went well. I got your text about little man sleeping in his own bed last night good job!!! I forget is he in with the boys now and days or still in your room? Great work. Gab is still with me by the middle of the night but I am not fighting it anymore. The way I figure it is someday it wont be like that so why stress over it today. It really isnt getting me and gab anywhere anyhow. Bird is at a hockey game with John and it is just me and this little girl. so I am going to go play. Love you miss you.

part tooooo

There is the first part of this post below. Thank god that blogger saves the things that we type along the way because I just wrote that whole post and thought it was long gone. Grr then I waited about a half hour or so and was able to find it in the drafts sections. Thank god!!! That would have stunk and I think I have lost posts before and not been able to find them Anyhow, I am so overwhelmed but not really because I know I can and will get it done but never the less I am spent with all the stuff that I have to get done for school this semester. Really it is something. I have like three papers for one class and a project, a project, a video of me doing a session and a ten pages paper about it and then a revision of that paper and then I have another paper for another class and another project. Geeze... Bottom line is that I am in the final countdown and the classes end in just about a month and then I will have the whole summer off and I cannot wait!!!! I am telling you! I cannot. I will miss school and my classmates etc. but I am so ready to have the break that it isnt even funny. I think I know where I am going to be interning next year, I say I think because I went for an interview and it went really well but the Dr that I met with told me to sit on it and think it over and call him in a week. So I have to honor that to some degree! I am going to call him Monday which I met with him wed. so that is not quite a week but it implys I took time to think it over. anyhow, I would be working with Court appt. Attorneys for children invovled in removal/custody/reunification cases. etc. Basically I am working for the Lawyers that are Gaurdian at lemem I cannot spell that word lol I think you know what I mean. So when they get a case, and they need an assessment of the child and the home done guess who gets to do it and then report on it to the lawyer and the court. Me! I am so excited and I cannot wait to dive into this. I will learn a TON about the courts, lawyers, DCF, our wonderful justice system etc etc. I am really looking forward to the work. Let's hope that I get it!Funny part is that I used to dream of being a lawyer.... lol Now I get to be so close to that but better! AND I can advocate!!!! Rather than keep my mouth shut! Like I have to and sometimes don't at work. So on to the questions that I had for you. What is this business you started? What are you doing? Is it online or something esle? Are you guys able to survive with you at home this way? Good for you! And I am sure that you will fix the mistake you made and move on from it soon. I dont know how you live with that stress girl you are tough. We all have our issues that make us stronger I guess right? I am still going to see my therapist. Let me tell you it is so helpful. So helpful. I feel myself growing and changing. I reallly recommend it to you, and for that matter to anyone, who feels they need or would like it. I am a big supporter of the field as you can see. I want to be part of it! Tell Me about your schoool!!!! K lov you. CC

Hey,

If I had more money I would come. I sware. I think Gab is old enough to understand the idea of an airplane and Darren would love it of course and so I would come. I will start playing the lottery and when some day I win I will book a trip. I sware.

I am so sorry to hear about all the things that are stressing you right now. You gave me some great advice in that some things will just have to wait. I guess in some ways that is what we all have to do. Believe me I make things wait. Gone are the days of me running around trying to keep up with everything in the house. Let John do it. If he wants things perfect and done the second he wants the then do it himself. I am not a puppet anymore, I work hard, I do so much more with the kids, and I have my schooling. So, let him do more cleaning then I do. Oh. The fuck. Well. And that is where we are at.

Thanks for the praise for my gab gab adventure. It is going to be a long road! She is doing it though! All during the work week I had her pee on the potty in the morning and at night. But today we are going to try undies again and see how that goes. Now that she and I have some time together that is. The only problem is that she is soooooo goood at holding it that right now she needs a little help to jump start things like sitting in an inch of water in the tub and then she tells me she has to go and I put her on the potty and she goes. It works right? and everytime is getting shorter. We are now at about five minutes in order to get her to go. Thats not too bad the second night after the flook pee pee lol it was like twenty so yeah it is a start.

Anyhow, sorry to hear that Caleb is giving you a hard time. The good news is that it is totally typical and signs that he is really growing in leaps and bounds cognitively! He is very bright and with that brightness comes a strong opinion. And with that comes challenges for us, the parents.

John just walked in with Gabs dounut.... I read all your info and I have lots more to talk to you about. Sorry about the money trouble. COngrats about the business??? and schooling ??? When you get a chance tell me more about those... I have no idea what is going on with your at home business adventure.

I love you and miss you and hopw to see you whenever one of us gets some money. that being said. I am almost done with my whole first year of school and have so much more to tell you.

And I am trying with the diet. I stopped tracking for a few days. I dont know why I kinda do. My friend a girl from work was going to do the rogram and she went to one meeting with me and droped out. I need you. Your the only real support I have.!

]

LLoove u.

CC

Hey

Hey lady, I haven't been ignoring your posts, I have been reading them, but just like you I am so inundated with everything that I just haven't found time to respond yet. But here I am. First, way to go Gab. I'm telling you Crys it is all down hill from here. She is going to do it on her own. This is the exact same way Caleb did it! So, you can start counting down to no more diapers! WOO HOO! Second, I am so glad to hear that you are being successful on your diet. That is amazing. Just keep it up girlie and you will lose 25 lbs. You watch. I know it is hard to fit everything into your schedule, but you have to try and fit a little bit of activity into your schedule. Things will get better over the summer! I know how hard it is to do everything by yourself and I really wish that John would pick some slack up from you. It is not fair the burden and load you carry on your shoulders. Trust me I was doing the same thing up until a couple of nights ago when I had finally had it with Jeff and told him he needed to man up and be the father and husband that we needed him to be. It wasn't a fight, but I just laid out the truth and he sat there and listened! He didn't yell back or anything and actually thanked me the next morning for telling him so. Ever since then he has been an immense help around the house. Even still though, I am home with the baby all day long and all he does is make a mess. He is in a new stage I guess where he has to be into everything making messes and so on, but I will get into that a little bit later in the post. You need to start looking at things and try to prioritize if you can. I know that everything is important but is it really going to be that bad if dishes are done right away (other than John losing his mind which causes undue stress on you)? Is it so bad if Gab doesn't get a bath one night? Nope, it's not. You need to be sure that you are taking time for you Crys. So, moving on. I really am at a loss with Caleb. He is in this new stage and I don't know how to handle it for the life of me. Nothing seems to help. He is so defiant. I tell him to pick up something, like a colored pencil, and he tells me know and promptly follows by telling me that he is going to throw it. You would think it is just a threat but nope, he actually does throw it. I'd gotten to the point where I was spanking him for it thinking it would make him realize, but all it did was make him more defiant. So, starting today I went back to doing it the way I was and he doesn't seem to be so bad. He is constantly telling me what to do. For instance, he wanted yogurt this morning, so I gave him 2 GoGurts. About 20 minutes later he came back asking for another one and I told him no that it would make him sick and to go put it back in the fridge. He told me: "Will you just open it mama? Open it, I want yogurt." I told him no anyways. He got mad, but I didn't give into him. He is really confusing and demanding at the same time. Let me pick your brain for a minute because Jeff and I are lost as to handle/explain this to him. He loves chocolate milk, I mean loves it. He can drink it 2-3 times or more a day if I'd let him. Well he tells he wants chocolate milk with no milk. We've told him a hundred times that the milk is the base of the chocolate milk. He doesn't get it. This morning he told me again that he wanted chocolate milk but no milk and to put the milk back. He's uber smart though. He knows his left from his right (foot that is.) And he is starting to get his clothes on and off by himself including his shoes. The other day I was busy and he wanted shoes on and I told him to go get them and he put them on the right feet! I'm sure it was by pure accident, but I applauded him anyways. He of course knows all of his colors. He has such a personality on him. I am going to have to record him at times and send it to you somehow because sometimes he is just too funny. He is really loving too. When he sees Jeff having a hard time, like crying because of his dad, Caleb will ask him "What's wrong daddy, why are you crying?" He will ask me what's wrong if I am upset about something and am more agitated than usual. He picks up on that type of stuff. But on the other hand is uber stubborn too. He will not do anything hardly that he is told. I am willing to take responsibility for that though because instead of fighting with him to do it, I just do it for him. OH! And he is a freaking broken record at times! He can say he wants something like ice cream 1000 times if you tell him no. Somedays he will stop after about 5-6 minutes and then other days he will scream about wanting ice cream for 20 mintes. No lie. Talk about having to have nerves of steal in order to get through those minutes. It is all because he is so darn spoiled and now that I am trying to break him of that he just has such an issue with it. Some days I would be willing to diagnose him with Oppositional Defiance Disorder! Let me tell you he is something else. Like right now, he is in the kitchen playing with the dishwasher rather than laying down like I have told him to 15 times. He just will not do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I can't handle all the differences in the kids. One would never think that all my kids could be so different and all need to be raised and disciplined in different ways. It is way too much. Talking about too much I don't know how to handle everything in my life any more. We are financially in a mess because about a month ago I made a $1000 mistake in the checkbook and we haven't recovered from it yet. We are constantly in over draft by hundreds of dollars; like 6-700 dollars every 2 weeks. I am so tired of being home alone and having no adult interaction, and just being stuck in the house all the time. I only have very rare opportunitites right now to get out of the house because it is either too hot or too windy. Add into that the fact that my school is very difficult. I take a couple of hours sometimes to finish just one assignment. It is all philosophically based right now and hard to read. I'm doing ok in the class it's just hard. Then you add in the fact of the house and the laundry. The fact that my children come home from school and throw their backpacks everywhere, their shoes and socks. I tell them everyday to put the stuff in the room right away but it hasn't sunk in now for them to do it on their own. They do the same thing with food. They drop it and won't pick it up. So, I am left with the mess. Now, finally add into it the fact that I have to work my home business at least 8 hours a day to try and get anywhere and I have very little time to clean. So, right now my house looks like a tornado went through it. Something always suffers, always. Crys, I know that I am whining and complaining but I am so exhausted all the time. Going back to a conventional job is not even an option because of the cost of daycare and gas. I know you guys are probably higher in gas than us, but we cannot afford $3.65 to $3.85 a gallon in the truck. It takes $70+ dollars to fill it up each time. I miss you so much. I wish that I was closer to you. FYI, I broke my phone. I got the new one today but now I can't find the old one to get the SIM card out of it so I can put it in to get my new phone working. So, if you are trying to text me and stuff I am not getting them right now. Well, I guess I have complained enough. I am fighting a massive migraine right now and need to get back to school work. I wish you could come see me this summer. I think we could have some great times going to El Paso, the Carlsbad National Caverns and White Sands and stuff like that. But, I know you can't, so I will continue to dream. Take care and look forward to reading your post soon. Love you.

PEEEEEEEE PEEEEEE ON THE POTTTTTTY!!!

Forget it!!!! Gab when pee pee on the potty!!!!!!!!

hey

Hey I was at school for the longest time today and I was driving home I felt really bummed. I have been so busy and I feel like I have not had enough time with the kids lately and it makes me sad. The one thing I keep saying to myself is that I have the whole summer off and god do I need it! So as you know I lost only 1.4 but it is something and I am paying for the best. I would love to lose a little more this week. I am doing a good job with the diet and trying to get some activity in but it is really tough. I just do not seem to have time to fit it all in. Trying to see the kids, do my classes and all the work that comes along with them, work, clean, keep up with seeing my gramma and all that I barely have time to breath!!! But oh it will be so nice to get them summer off and the more I think about it the more I know I can finish this all. In just a few weeks, less than four I will have 24 out of 60 credits done towards my masters. Crazy huh? I cant believe I am almost done with a year! I a telling you it is like yesterday that I got in and the thing is this time flew by because I have had no time to stop. This is why I am really hoping that the summer goes really slow and I am deff. taking some well needed time off!!!! I am also debating on whether or not I should cut down to working part time come the fall. I am thinking that I might need to but then I talked to the girl that is working at the internship that I am probally going to get (I have an interveiw tomm) and she is still working fulltime at the same time but I dont know. Alot if not all of what she does is on the road as well. She does not really have a place persay that she works out of although it is based in the legal aide office in New haven. I dont know. I will know more about it tommorrow and then we will talk it over you and I. My gab, is a great child and so smart but she will not go potty. Why? I dont know! She screams at the potty SCREAMS! I backed off for like two months and she is still so scared to go. I dont know what it is. She is so ahead with so many things and so behind in this. I keep waiting for it to get nice out and then I am going to take a week off from work and put her in underwear and hang out outside like all day with potty trips like ten thousand times a day and hope for the best. DO you have any tips how to make it fun and less scarey? I know she can hold it! She has been doing that since she was about 18 months old she would wake up totally dry! But I cannot get her to let her pee out with out a diaper on... She is so afraid. I dont know I am failing her!!!! My bird is doing good. He is getting to be a teenager. AT ten. TOO fast. Little freshy. He is like staying up late and sneaking the tv on and forgetting to do his homework and being hard to wake up in the morning. All those great teen ager like things and it is driving me nutso! I love him but arg... Love you miss you and thank you for your text this am. I really need you by myside with this! And everything esle too.

still trying

Really hoping that tommorrow when I weigh in that I lost something! Grr. I am so glad that you are doing good again with your diet can you let me in on your secert? And you know what is pretty sad.... I was playing with Gab today and she was running and making me chase her for about 20 mins and it was killing me! She has so much energy and is in mush better shape than me. Much better. Little freshy. I really have to get finished with this semester and then I want to start taking the kiddos to the pool. But first I need to lose some weight because I am not going to go to the pool this fat! Grr. Anyway I wanted to check in and let you know that I am still trying here.... Still trying.

Day 6...

So, I have been following the weight watcher plan for a few days now. I feel more in control for sure. I think that I am doing ok. I would like to eat a little less but it is what it is. We will see what happens. I would like to be able to have a big loss this first week like I have in the past and I dont see that happening. I got your message today about the heat. I am so jealous. I wish that I could feel that heat for a few hours at least and just hang out in the sun. That would be great! I really need a vacation. Some place warm with Sandy beaches would be really nice! I think I got to figure out a way to start taking vacations! I think it sucks that I cannot do that right now. But I have time right? Still sucks! I should take a vacation to NM. And see you guys! Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that I am doing ok with this whole thing. I am hoping to start getting to the gym. I went once this week. It was something. Love you and miss you! CC