My Update/Vent

Hey you,

I am sorry to that you have had such a hard time this last month with the weight thing. But you are right you have to give yourself a bit of slack because of the difficult time you've had. You will get back on the swing of things shortly. How is the move going?

I understand how you can feel so upset and scared about Gab. I have been there. Just ask lots of questions of the doctors and be sure that you have a full understand of pre-op, op, and post-op. You are her mother and you have a right to know. I can only imagine how she is going to react to the men in white coats after what they are going to put her through. She already has a steady dislike for them and now this, OH BOY! But watch she is going to grow up and be a doctor!

I am hoping that Bird is doing ok dealing with CMT's. I know that Autumn is already have anxiety over her SAT tests that are coming up in April. But Bird has a good head on his shoulders and I am sure he is going to do fine. He is like his mama!

So, I want to know what the docs are saying about Donna. I know you don't have time to answer in a text, but if you could please give me a good solid update here when you get a chance I would appreciate it. Have you been able to go see her lately, I really hope so.

So, moving onto me. I don't want you to stress about it, but maybe this will give you something else to think about than all the difficulties in your life.

So, where to start....

Ummm.....

Okay, jumping in with my emotional imbalance/unrest at this time. Something is off with me. I am very angry. I am angry about life in general. I hate work (more on this to come), I hate being at home, I hate that I am so far behind in school right now I am drowning. I hate living here, I told Jeff I have this pit-of-my-stomach feeling that it is time for us to move on. At times I want to sit down and cry, at other times I want to blow up and start yelling at people. I actually left work early yesterday because all day I was so pissed off and I had to keep biting my tongue because if not I was going to go postal. I took today off to see if I can get myself back in sync.

Now, onto my homeostasis being off. I have been getting headaches that make me dizzy and very tired. I've had 2 of them so far. Well 2 days after the last one, I was driving home from the store and almost ran a stop sign, something I have never done. Then yesterday, Jeff and I left at the same time and headed the same direction, and I almost rear-ended him. I can't seem to eat right. Either I want to eat junk food or I don't want to eat at all. When I do eat, my stomach hurts. I also cannot seem to drink anything. I have drank maybe 6oz a day for the past 3 days. I am so dehydrated it is crazy.

The work thing. Oh my God. I am so pissed. Okay, Kimble (a supervisor) had told me to talk to Jenny (the director) about moving up now that I am certified. So, I did. She had told me that she didn't know about me wanting to be a TAC (NCIC) but SHE was going to ask me about going through a week long class to become a Certified Training Officer. So, I went to her the other day after talking with her about all this and she told me that Kimble jumped the gun and sent out an e-mail to the three people HE wanted as CTO's. She told me she didn't agree with his selections and made him retract the e-mail. Well gues who WASN'T one of the people to receive that e-mail? You got it sister................ME! Jenny proceeded to tell me that we are going to have to go through a selection process. In which they will be selecting people based on what you're doing now in your job, whether or not you go the extra mile during the day, your punctuality and attendance, your attitude towards your job and so forth.

In addition. We don't have a shift supervisor on Thursdays. So, yesterday, Stephanie (kind of a CTO) was put in charge of the shift. She wouldn't let me work APD, I was again on 911. Now to get you to understand I have only worked APD one time and County one time since we moved into the new facility on the 18th of February. Other than that I have worked 911, but I am not good enough to train one of the new girls on 911, Brandi (a dispatcher) is. It irritates, hurts, and pisses me off that I am being overlooked. I can't even begin to let Jenny know what I am capable of because I am never given the chance. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell I am doing wrong. Why am I not good enough? Why can someone not give me the slightest chance? Well never-the-less yesterday when Stephanie told me that I was working 911 I threw down my keys and got some serious attitude. So, that will go against me on the above thing about the CTO. And yes, Jenny will find out because Stephanie and Jenny are good friends outside of work, and I am sure that Stephanie sent an e-mail about my bad attitude. Do you see why I needed to leave yesterday and take off today?

You know what makes me so mad about this too, is the lying and backstabbing that goes on. I also hate that there is favortism. I have never been a favorite of anyone's and never will be, and because of that I am never going to be looked at.

So, I have taken this to Jeff and this is what he has suggested. Jenny had sent an e-mail out asking for suggestions on how to work the schedule. So, right now I am sitting down trying to do a mock schedule on how things could work in a theoretical setting. I thought I was smart enough to do it, but let me tell you it is very difficult. I never thought it would be so hard. I am about 1/2 done with one month. In addition, because Jenny wants to know what a CTO would bring to the program and offer the trainee, he thinks I need to put something together in writing about all that I can bring. I don't even know where to start.


The questions that I have in here are rhetorical and not meant for you to try and answer them. I am really just venting.

Crys, I am so pissed, confused, and upset that I am having a hard time dealing with my Caleb. He is so active, into everything, and it is just causing more stress. I am fidning myself raising my voice at him, and getting very irritated. This is not fair to him at all. I am really trying not to get so upset. He is just a baby and doesn't know any better. That is why I am here, to teach him.

Now, add into all of this that my house is always a mess, there is always piles and piles of laundry to do. I feel so overwhelmed. My mind is always reeling with so much stuff. I feel so much like I just want to pick up and runaway.

On a positive note, Jeff and I have started something new. Every night, we sit with the kids, and read a couple of passages from the New Testament. Jadon and Autumn are really into it. Codey couldn't care less and of course Caleb doesn't sit back and listen. Then Jeff and I sit down and read a chapter from the book "The Love Dare". Which we missed last night because I am off kelter and my stomach was killing me. Understandably he was so upset about that.

Okay girlie, I think that is all right now. I know it's alot. Don't try and take everything in, you worry about everything that is going on in your life right now, it's a lot. Right now I wish more than anything that I was close to you. I think that we could both use each other, and yet we are so far apart.

Jenn

updating

SO I have not been doing a good job at all with my eating and I feel really bad but I have to figure out a way to get back to the way that I was. The thing is that I keep saying to myself that I will just continue to go along with the waiting till things are over and then start again. But the problem is that things are dragging out so long and what I think the bottom line is that no matter what there is going to be a ton of stress over the next few months so saying that I am going to wait until the stress goes away is not going to work.

I had a really stressful day today and am worried about my little gab. I cant even talk about it. Everyone keeps telling me how worried they are and then I tell them oh she will be fine dont worry but then who is there to tell me that she will be okay? This sucks.

Bird has CMTs this week and next week and I feel bad for him to because this is the most stress that we have right now with the move and donna and everything and for him to have the CMTs now sucks.

But we will get through it I guess.

Love ya.