Something else to read

Hey woman,

Seeing how you have been working so hard on school, here is something else for you to read that you really don't have to interpret and try to wrap your head around.

First something way cute! Caleb woke up from nap the other day, went to the closet mirror door, and dropped his mouth open, furrowed his brow and said "My not handsome anymore!" When Jeff asked him why, he said "Cause my hair is messed up, it makes me not handsome anymore." Way too cute.

Gosh, I had my whole thought process planned out and I can't get it together now.

School is almost done, and although I have no where the work load you do, I am still struggling. It makes me think that there is no way I could ever do a graduate degree while working. I do not have the drive you do. I have to be in bed latest at 10:00 or I am no good the next day, you have great stamina and are staying up until 2am to do your papers. In addition, I really don't think I can write a 55 page paper, I am not that smart.

I really miss you and the kiddos. I keep thinking that I would love to be up there for the holidays. Oh, speaking of which tell me what you and the kids like. I am looking to buy your gifts soon and get them to you, so let me know. Our weather here is still warm, 60's mainly during the day and 30's at night. I wish that I would have cool weather so that I could get in the holiday mood. It is so hard when you feel like you are in the spring. On the upside we have had beautiful color changes this year on the trees. I am really, really wanting a camera. I have a new found interest in photography, well not so new found, just something I really want to do right now, I have always been interested in it.

Work like I said is very busy but going well. The director sat down the other day and actually had a personnel meeting, which cleared the air and set some things straight. So, I am hopiing that things will get better.

Girl, I am rambling not making any sense at all. So, I am going to end it here. I will get back on here when I get a better thought process together.

Oh, final word....I am down 12lbs to 210 in 4 weeks. I am so happy! I am not doing it right, I am just not eating hardly anything, but if I eat, I gain weight.

I sware sometimes I just want to fucking run away and join the cirus. For me it never ends. I am never ever just me. NEVER! It drives me nutty.

Moving along....Sorry. It was just a rant because I feel like I never have adult time and I pretty much have to wait years in order to have it. I have already waited years and have a few more to wait. and to top it off the typing now is waking up gab. I sware ssometimes I cant deal. This is why I just give up and go to bed.

I think that it is fine that Caleb wont go potty. Gab wont either. I am going to take a week off near thanksgiving and try to train her that week. I am not going to even try again before then because like you said if we are not like the ones that are on top of it it will not happen. So I think that when you and caleb are both ready that it will just happen. I am sure that the older children were a little like Caleb, because I know it must of been somewhat of a challenge with Darren but like you I remember it to be so easy. One day he woke up trained and that was that! lol...

I also think that the pretend that you explained is great. And dont be to hard on your self. I know you have a llot of stuff to do and very little time. Just try to play with Caleb a little here and a little there. he has so many people in his life to keep him busy. He isnt just alone all the time! Dont be so hard on yourself!!!! Your a great moma!

With the money stuff i feel for you so much. I almost threw up reading it. I wish I could help you and believe me I would. It sucks that times are that bad and that the hospital did what they did to jeff. I only pray that god will somehow just give you a break and help you out of this whole. BEcause you deserve it! I hope that the layaway didnt get canceled. Maybe you can have them extend it a little???

It isnt very cold here yet girlie! the leaves are changing and all but it is not tooo cold. It is actually pretty nice! I cant wait to get you some pictures! I took some video of leaves today for you but they didnt come out to show the colors too much I was bummed.

Girl do you know I gained 16 pounds back?? I weigh between 168 and 170. Yeah nothing esle needs to be said about that. Throw up.

What esle???

Oh grad school for you....I want to see you get to do what you want....but do you need it? Is what you want to be when you grow up something you need to go back for? I love what I am doing and wont give up but I was thinking you know I could make it on what I earn...I dont NEED to go back but yet I NEED to go back for me! So is this something that you want for you? Or for your job? If it is for you then I support it all the way but if it is for s job then maybe you should think about it more. I kknow you are like me so I bet it is for you....

Glad to hear that Autumn is in sports now and that good things are happening for codey! How is Jaden?

Oh and the sleeping thing? Forget it. I sleep with gab every night. I gave up. I know some day it will change but for now I give up. I guess we both have monsters that way. They are a lot alike even though they live so far away must be a may thing.

I was in Hartford ALLL day today for training. Tomm to. It is good but long days and (to me) a long drive...

My friend Ash had her baby Grace and nicole my niece had her baby Olivia and my cousin lauren is pregnant due in May and kelly is having a girl. I DO NOT WANT A BABY. not even with all that around me. NOPE.

The other day I worked with my premie twins. Born at 25 weeks. Now about 3 months old corrected age zero. And the little girl threw up on her face down her nose and almost choked...and dad picked her up so roughly shoved the thing down her nose and suctioned her. I thought I was gonna die....they live in the projects....seven kids.....no car.....no money.....and cockroaches....surrounded by some vacant and some trashed some lived in projects.....This year we are doing holiday helpers...at work and donating gifts to poor families. I am going to bring darren with me to give the toys to the families so he can see the difference between what we have and what they have...There is one....a large one.

WE got a kitten. Hersey. She is a siamese. like coco. who I finally lost to cancer last month. that was fucking terrible. I held her while they put her down. I cried like you wouldnt believe. Like I did when you left. pretty bad. I love you and miss you.

I hope this helps. I am going to watch trash on tv and hit the hay. I might not of gotten to everything but I will hope on here tomm. I have a long day to say the least but I am thinking about taking my computer to the class....I dk I really like it so I might nnot because I need to listen. It is a good one.....its about the ADOS a test for autism. I am getting trained to adminster it. YAWN.

K girlie...

Love you.

Night

Crystal

Hey.....

Hey Crissie,

How are you doing? I am sure that you are doing well. I promised that I would get on here and post so you could respond tomorrow, so here I go. I just really don't want to pull you down in the depths of no return, so if you are having any issues of your own that are pressing and causing you trouble, please do not read this. Wait until things are better.

Word of warning, my thoughts are so scattered, so I am not guaranteeing that they are going to make a whole lot of sense.

First, as you know, I am always worried about Caleb. Well, he is doing ok, I guess. He will not potty train, he absolutely refuses to even want to grasp the concept. I haven't been too on board with doing it either which is a problem I know, but I am having problems committing to it. I remember the kids being so easy to do, and he just absolutley refuses. ALL of my other kids were potty trained by this age. You know, he also refuses to sleep in his bed. Again, I try hard, but Jeff doesn't reinforce what I do. Last night the baby fell asleep on the couch and Jeff asked me where I wanted him. Well, in his bed. He is getting too big to sleep with us, and quite frankly I am tired of him being in our bed all the time. I can't turn over or stretch out because I have a 38 inch child next to me. I don't know how I am ever going to break him of sleeping in our bed. Also, he pretends play so much. I have a feeling that it is because I don't get down and play with him like I should. I just can't find the time. He has one heck of what I hope is an imagination. He will say that there are monsters around and he is going to make sure they don't get him, he will tell a complete story with sentences like "and then" he pauses and then continues his story, all fabricated. He says things like probably yesterday in repsonse to where he got a scratch or bruise from. Almost the entire time that he is home with me, I am working on school or cleaning. I am so tired of not having time. I don't have time for me, the kids, Jeff, my mom or anything. I am so wrapped up in trying to keep up with school.

So, moving on from there. Jeff and I are in such a financial bind it isn't even funny. He decided not to pay a hospital bill right after we got here and so they are just now garnishing his wages. They are taking $594 out of every one of his checks (twice a month) and then another one in the beginning of November. We are always in overdraft...ALWAYS and I am not saying like $50, no like $350-$500. We have a hard time keeping up with Calebs pullups, paying our bills, or sometimes getting food in the house. We were in jeopardy of having Jeffs car repossessed. I don't know how we are going to get out of it. We do not splurge on anything, not one single solitary thing. Well, let me correct that, Jeff decided this last paycheck to buy pizza for $30 one night for dinner rather than coming home and finding something. Yet, I don't get anything to drink or eat for work, I take everything with me. This is what gets me so frustrated. He is saying that we are going to get out of this, but I just don't see it. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I have no money to get the kids clothes for school for the cooler weather. It is already to the point where in the morning they should have a light pull over on or something and it is all or was sitting on layaway at KMart. Yet because we didn't have any money to pay it, chances are we have lost all of the clothes I had on layaway for the kids. So, how am I now going to afford to get them clothes?

I don't know if I told you, but my work switched from the County as their payroll processor and holder of insurance. Well, the County has not invoiced my work for the insurance that has been paid by them due to inadequacies of our new payroll personnel, and they are saying that they are going to take the chunk of money out at 1 time. Crys, that is like $800 for me, one of my checks. If they do that this coming week, we are going to have a $1300+ deficit, Jeff's $594 and my entire check. What the hell are we going to do then?

Work of course is another issue that I am having. We are back to 12 hour shifts, and I am opting to stay on graveyards because I lost my babysitter for the boys after school and I don't want to put up with the obnoxious behavior by my boss during the day. That place is loud enough during the day without her coming out of her office wanting to tell stories and laughing and being loud. Besides, I hate the way she is so false with everything. I hate how she lies. So, in any event I just stay on graveyards from 8p-8a my time. I get home at 9am and leave at 630pm in order to get back to work. So, I don't see the kids in the morning because they are in school by the time I get home and I leave right during the time that we would all be sitting down to complete dinner.

Now, can you see why I have no time. I sleep during the day and try to prepare for another 14 hour day, and so I don't have time for my school. I just took my midterm for administrative law and got a 68, because I never cracked the book because I have no time. I applied for what would be a perfect job: hours are 730-430 everyday, every other friday off and saturday and sunday every week. To add to it, it is right here in Carlsbad. The pay would be $12.50, where I am making $14.11 right now, but I would be saving gas. I would still have insurance too. I interviewed for this on September 7th and I still haven't heard anything. I have called her every time she has said she would have a decision, and now I am just not even getting her attention to answer the phone. I am so frustrated. There are no other jobs here, NOTHING. So, I am stuck driving back and forth and working insane amount of hours.

Moving on. I thought I had found the graduate school I wanted to attend, but when I got the follow up e-mail it isn't. I want to get my Masters in Social Work, Texas University-San Marcos has one of the best schools in the nation, and I could've done it all online. The problem however, is that it is more from an administrative role and not an interactive role. I would only go part-time taking me 4 years because it is a 64 credit hour degree. Crys, that is insane, and I don't want to do admin crap, I want to do more hands on. So, I don't know what I am going to do. NMSU, where I am right now, doesn't offer an online SW masters because of the amount of intern hours that have to be done (500 the first year and 450 the second year.) In addition, they state right in their catalog that there is no way for a full-time masters student to carry the 15 hour minimum and the internships and work. So, we would be without an income, and as you can tell, there is no way that we could afford that. So, my dreams of grad school are pretty much gone.

I am so down in the dumps right now that I sat yesterday with facebook open for 9 hours, and never did a thing. I just stared at it. I didn't work on my school, I didn't clean house, I hardly ate. I am to the point where getting out of bed to take a shower and stuff is such a challenge. I feel all alone. Jeff is great, but he isn't what I need all the time, hell I can't tell you what I need all the time. I don't even know what I need right now. I just know that I told Jeff I am tired of being so sad, I have been like this on and off for the better part of 16 years, and I am tired of it. I am tired of having no desire to do things, and when I do, I quickly realize that what I want cannot come to fruition. For instance, Jeff registered for his first intenship for his doctorate in February, he is going for four days to Denver, Colorado, I want to go but I know I can't. What would I do with the kids? How would we afford to do it? Maybe income tax or his refund from school. But then, how are we going to ever pay off our credit so we can have decent shit. I know that if your head hasn't started to spin, it is by now. Crys, this is how I live, day in and day out, every minute of my life. The Lexapro isn't working anymore, well I guess I could be worse, so I guess it is. I have no outlets. I know that at one point in time I had dreams of so many things, and they are gone.

Alright girlie, I just realized I have been grinding my teeth and because of the seperators they are really hurting, which has now caused me to get a massive headache. I know that what I have written here is not everything, but I am spent. Sorry.

Love you and miss you,

Jenn

Missing....

Hey chickie,

So, I know that I haven't been on here lately. I just got off of 12 hour shifts and am now working 7-3 Tuesday-Saturday, and I am LOVING it. So, I figured since I SHOULD be having more time to be able to post and stay connected with you. I know that you have been posting tweets, which reminds me to go check my account, but I don't think you are receiving my responses. I feel so disconnected from you.

I really do miss you a lot. I think about you all the time. I don't understand where I went wrong and lost so much contact with you. I feel HORRIBLE that I don't get to talk to you as much. I know that things are going great for John and you, and I know that you're always super busy with the kids and work. If I remember correctly you are also due to start school sometime this month, which is going to take more of your time. It makes me sad that we don't talk as much as we used to. I know that I have been busy with work, school, the kids, the house, you know, all the things you get busy with. I just wish there was some day during the week that we could set aside 2 hours to connect. I feel like it is important for me.

So, how is the Love Dare going? I finally watched the movie Fireproof and talk about a darn good movie. I could see John and you in some aspects. I am going to watch it with Jeff at some point in time and we ARE going to start the Love Dare again. Although things are going really really good right now, we still have our days where things can be tense and we just had an argument about a week ago.

So, update on the Campbell homefront: I took a huge step and applied for Supervisor within my company. I am nervous, I take my written exam on Monday at noon my time and it should take about 3 hours. I have gotten so many mixed reports of things at work. For instance, my boss told me that I should apply because I never know what could happen. Then I have a supervisor telling me that my boss has already made her decision and that the whole application process was just for show and to cover her rear in case of a complaint. Then, the person I am up against doesn't care for me anyways and everytime she is around me she's sure to make reference to when she becomes supervisor (the chosen one).

The couple of things that really make me thing this is all unethical is that the deadline was last month for the complete application packets to be in. Well, the other day the chosen one was talking to a Lieutenant of the Sheriffs department and stated "Thank you for the buttering thing, I now have until oral boards to submit what I need to." Well on top of that, one of the criteria was that you had to be with the authroity full time for one year, she has only been back with the authority full time for like 4 months, well HR pushed her through and allowed her to apply anyways. Seem fishy to you? I know it does to me.

I can tell you that with everything going on, if she gets supervisor, I am quitting. I refuse to work under such a person who lets the title go to her head. She is also not very friendly with people and is brash, and made comment that she told our boss that she was willing to sign up for sensitivity training. Sounds more fishy right?

I have recently noticed that I am beginning to look at things in a different light. I am starting to look at things like this: this life that we have here on earth is too short to worry about stuff, like what I have described. I need to be spending more time with the kids, my husband, and living. I was just thinking that we should take a small vacation. Even if it is just for the weekend. Albuquerque NM is not too far from here, about 4 hours and they have an aquarium, awesome zoo, and some other things. But it would be family time that is being spent together. What we deal with while we live is going to pale in comparison to what we have when we finally meet our maker and His kingdom.

When we live running in the fast lane and never take the time to slow down we miss so much of what we should be enjoying, seeing, hearing, and experiencing. You really do have to take the time to smell the roses.

So, anways, I am excited, I am in my last semester of college and am due to graduate in December. I would send you an invitation, but I know that you can't make it. I may send you one just so you have it, that is if you want it. I am scared because the classes I am taking are going to be difficult, but it is only 16 weeks of my life that I must invest in it for a lifetime of recognition.

I was going to tell you that if you want a good movie to watch that will make you cry from about an hour into it to about 30 minutes after it, you have to watch Hachi. It never hit the theaters but it is available at most red boxes and online through Netflix. One of the girls I work with (Future supervisor hopeful) said she bought it at Wal-Mart. I really think that Bird would like it, although he is a growing boy and he may not want to watch sappy movies. But hey, it is just a suggestion.

Alright girlie, I am going to get off of here. I am going to go to bed and try and have a good night. Know that I really do miss you very very much and love with depths as deep as the ocean.

Talk to you soon,
JENN

geese My friend what happened?

Omg god I came on here looking for the surprise and this is what I saw. I hope you text me back soon.

Bad day. Rough day. Sad day. Dead day.

It's been a while....

Okay, so I figured it's been a while since either of us have been on here, so I figured I would come back and just kinda update you on things.

First, the kids are all doing well. They are having a blast, c'mon they get to swim every single day almost, and they don't have to go to school. Caleb is doing well. He is such a funny character. He is so demanding though. But, on the other hand he is very loveable. Out of the blue he will tell you that he loves you and gives you a hug. You have to see him, he cries if iCarly, Big Time Rush, or Spongebob are not on when HE wants them to be on. Okay correction, he down right throws a fit. He is really good at counting and his colors. Yvette (babysitter) was saying that she bought a pre-school reading program for her daughter, but Caleb is the one that is responding the most to it. I don't know which one it is or what it entails, but I am all for it!

I am doing ok. I screwed up my diet, but oh well. Tomorrow is another stone, another day. I will be ok. School is killing me, I only have 2 weeks left in one class and I will be done and the other one ends sometime in August, just before Fall semester. My job is going well other than the quirks that all jobs have, but I do my best to work through them and just remember that I am there to help someone who needs it and not make everyone else happy.


My instructor for this training I have been in is hilarious. He is wound really tight, he talks a million miles a minute (like I do). He said something yesterday about a "bubbler." Well minus the "r". But I had to sit and think a minute he was talking about the water fountain! He has a million sounds and voices he can do, and at times he acts just like someone out of a mafia movie. But I loved it. I loved all the terminology that was used, the jokes he made, he just made the class fun. In so many ways did he remind me of the happiness I felt when I was up there with you in your environment. I remember how much it felt like home. And although I may not be able to make it up there as fast as I had hoped, it reminded me of my ultimate goal. I just hope it happens before I am too old to actually enjoy it.

You know lately I have been realizing how short life really is. I mean we spend our days and nights thinking, worrying, and running and we forget to stop and smell the roses. To stop and take time to do, try, or experience the things we truly enjoy. And for someone like me who doesn't even know to what nth degree that is, life seems even shorter. I feel at times like it is water, slipping between my fingers and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

I just took a xanax so in a few minutes I am going to be hitting the hay. I have figured out that the only way I can get up at 5 in the morning is if I go to bed right around 9 and sleep ALL night. If I don't then I have a way less chance of getting up and actually walking.

Speaking of which I hope that your exercise and diet regimen are going well. I know that you work so hard and I really want you to see results. I mean if the weight is not coming off, that is not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that you are putting on muscle, which weighs more than fat. So, you could be losing the bad stuff (fat) and putting on the good stuff (muscle).

Okay girlie, I just got writers block, but I promise I will get on here more since I am not working as much as I was. I literally only work about 14 days a month.

I love you and miss you very much.

Jenn

I am so happy....

Hey you,

It was so nice talking to you today, and I appreciate the hour you took to talk to me. It lifted my spirits by millions. Thank you so much.

I know you will make the right decision. You are a smart person and you know how to be diplomatic, so your dilemma will be taken care of.

Me hearing you at the gym on the phone gave me a new motiviation. I should already have motivation because where I work their gym facility is free for me to use. AND I may have found someone to go with me. So that will help also.

I feel bad because I didn't give you any time to talk about the good stuff that is going on in your life like with Bird, Gab, and John. I feel so bad. I want to make time to talk to you again so I can get updated on everything. Sorry for being such a bad friend. I just felt like a little kid getting to talk to my idol/bff/a person that means the world to me and I couldn't contain myself.

Well anyways, Jeff is at the store with 2 of the three kids and I REALLY need to be working on homework, but I wanted to leave you with a couple of cute pics:

Remember when.....

Hey you, just feeling down, nostalgic and alone. I broke out the pics from when I visited. I really do miss you very much. Hopefully we get to talk soon. Love you bunches.

SO I was talking to my co worker at length the other day and I am really struggling at work right now. I am with a family that I love dearly but they have so many hardships right now and I see it carrying over to my own life. I cannot go on and on because I would not want anyone I know to see this and figure out what I am talking about but I will need to talk to you more for you to get it. One of the things that is happening is that I am not finding time for my friends. YOU. I am just so involed in what I am in right now that It takes all the energy I have. I am in bed every night at about 9 and barely touch the computer. I am late on all my paperwork at work etc. So other things are slacking and I think that is why I focus some much on my weight right now because again it is something that I can control one hundred percent. You know? We need to talk about this better for you to understand but when I was talking to my co worker I realized how bad it is getting and that I need to do something before it gets worse. I just dont know what to do or how to change it. ANyway gab is pressing buttons.

Hey

Hey you,

I am glad to hear that you are still working so hard. You will see in no time the payoff for you being such a hard and diligent worker. Keep up the good work.

I miss talking to ya.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

this week

SO I continue to work out everyday and I know that I am not eating the best so the fact that I lost a pound and two onces this week is okay. I figure if I work out I am getting healthy anyway with or without big numbers on the scale. Which by the way my scale is out of batteries and now the batteries are not normal so it is a pain when this happens. This will be a good experiment to see what it is like to not weigh myself everyday. It drives me nuts to be honest! Well anyway weight watchers has me at 160.6. I hate that I am still in the 160s but maybe this week I will finally be under to stay. Ah we shall see. Love you and miss you.

Hey....

Hey girlie, I am beat but I wanted to get on here really fast. I know that you are having a hard time with the running and not losing weight, but remember that you are also going to be putting on muscle and toning up, so although you may not see the weight come off, the fat will turn to muscle and your body structure will change and the pant size will go down. Don't give up. You ar doing a fantastic job!

Love ya,

Jenn

fat ass

working hard for nothing. So for the last three days I have run and walked like mad. I have gone a total of 9.5 miles in the last three days and you know what nothing....nothing nothing nothing. I havent lost a pound well 8 onces but what good is that. I dont understand why when I am working so hard and nothing is really showing up. and to top it off I try but every day I still eat too much. I dont know what happened to me but I think I am going to be 160 plus pounds for the rest of my life.

Epiphany?

Hey you,

How are you doing? I hope that you are doing well, I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, but I know that you are a highly demanded woman! I am doing MUCH better in the last couple of days, let's hope it continues!

Okay, so I had an annual check up with my doc yesterday and after getting good news I figured out the following: I am healthy as a horse, so the reason I am fat is because I don't move enough and I eat all the wrong things. My thyroid, and all my blood work came back good (other than me being slightly anemic). So, the epiphany I had was that I just have to get out and move more and make better choices as to what I choose to eat. I have to be in control of it.

I know that I am going to try and start buying gluten free foods because when I eat foods that have gluten, my belly blows up like a balloon.

Today was my first day where I was able to keep my poor Caleb home with me all day. But it's like I told Jeff, I would have done him no good and it wouldn't have been fair to him if I can't get him a drink or feed him his meals. I was sleeping all the time. So, it was better for him to go to the sitter where he has interaction, education, and a person who can take care of him the way he deserves. But today has been a lot of fun! I even took him to the park for about 20 minutes.

Today I was very productive, by 9:30 am my time, I had completely cleaned my living room and my room, vacuumed, and had already done 4 loads of laundry. I am still doing laundry, but at least I got my bed sheets cleaned first thing this morning. I am soooooo tired right now though.

My mouth is doing much better today. I have been able to eat 3 solid meals since yesterday and am down to taking only Advil for the pain. The dentist said that he didn't see anything out of the ordinary and that he just wants to be sure that I am getting progressively better.

Ok I am having a heart attack Jadon says that he has a really bad headache and can't remember what they did today at school so say a prayer.

Love ya,
Jenn

Dont say anything that you wouldnt say about your best friend....

okay girl sorry that it took me soooo long to get back on here and write to you but here I am finally. I have to say thank you for the words of encouragement and I am glad that you think that I look okay. Sometimes I think that too but other times I might as well think the worse thing in the world about me....anyway I read this thing in the weight watchers plan and it said "dont even think something about yourself if you would not say it about your best friend. I really liked that because there are so many things that I would say about me but never say them about you and there are the opposite as well things that I would say to you like how great you are and how pretty that I would never say to myself. I guess what it comes down to is finding a way to be more of a best friend to yourself... and supporting yourself rather than talking down to yourself. It is so easy to say and not so hard to do.....but lets try to do this a little more.... We shall see...

I think that your body thinks that you are straving it and there for is trying despretly not to let go of its reserves because girl 500 calories a day is nada. I sure hope that you can manage to eat a little something more soon. Maybe some soup packed with REALLY well done veggies.... and maybe even some VERY VERY mushy chicken?? Someideas. I knnow it sucks but again at least it is done.

Thanks for the picture of the baby it is really cute! I took an Xanxax last night and passed out. I dont take them often but they help me sleep so when I am really tired I will take one but I think I fell asleep before gab and slept all the way through until 5 am and then again until 7:30 so as you can imagine I must have needed that sleep. I am still getting over some kind of bug to so I think that was part of it too. But I did not mean to pass out on you there so I am sorry for that!

I am really sorry that you have been down. I wish that I could make it better but I really feel like the stupid ass lexapro is partly to blame I was really bad on it. I cried all the time and gained all that weight. I am still mad alot now but I would rather be mad then sad....I get lonely but just get mad and hateful about it rather then lay here and cry like I do on medication. I think I might get a few bottles of wine and have that on the nights that I get mad.... sometimes that is when I take the xanax. I dont take a lot but when this whole thing with donna was going on I did alm ost daily but only the .25 so it is not all that bad but then since then I just filled the bottle that was due to be filled on March 15th so I had enough from feb 15th to now...or last night so I havent needed it too much. My reason for not seeking out any medication is because I dont want to gain weight and I know that I will. I think maybe even the xanax helped with this seven pounds that I gained back but I dont really know and I think that I ate enough food that I am surprised that it is not WAYYYYY more. Oh well.

Okay girlie. I think you are beautiful and a great friend. Try to take it easy and at least know that you are loved! I love you.

Maybe?......

Hey girlie, I am so glad to hear that you went back to Weight Watchers! That was a great step for you to take. I really hope that you are back on the Wagon. It has been a hard couple of months for you and you deserve to feel better about yourself. You look fine and would be able to go buy clothes for yourself, heck you deserve it. I don't think you look bad at all. Me on the other hand, look like a roll of blubber that is going to be used in tires or something, so I definitely have to do something. Maybe?......

I was hoping to get back on the wagon after all this stupid stuff with my mouth is done. I am so frustrated right now as you can imagine. I want some solid food and just can't do it yet. But then again, I like the fact that I am only consuming like 500-600 calories a day if that. However, I am not losing any weight, so that makes me very sad. :-( I just don't take the time or the energy to go to weight watchers and track everything. I don't have the energy to get up and move and that is the most important thing I need to do. I also don't have the time. I hate working 12 hour shifts, it really dampens what I am able to do, but if all runs right, we will be going back to 10 hour shifts, which still makes it difficult for me.

Okay girlie, I am not going to drone on like I ususally do, but just know that I am having a hard time right now, and I can't figure out why or how to fix it. Hope you get back on the wagon and are able to make progress. If you want motivation, I have a co-worker who used to weigh 220 lbs and like 5'8" and now she is down to like 175 and can run 5 miles a day. How long did it take her to accomplish this? LESS THAN 6 MONTHS! So, if she can do it, you can too.

Love ya,
Jenn

back on the wagon?

So I had a cancelation today and I had an hour to kill. What do I do? I wondered...I thought about going to the store and buying some summer clothing. I have a gift card that I got from our phone/cable company that I am planning to use towards clothing and considering that I have gained back weight I really do need clothes because less things fit me....

But instead I went to weight watchers! Yippee so we will see. I am offically up seven pounds according to weight watchers from Feb.... SO I know what I need to do.

Lets see how it goes.

C

I know you can do it! GO girl! I hope that it works for you and that you feel great when you are done. I cant lol. I read it and my head was spinning. NO COFFEE? NONE with caffine.....GRr...

I hope we can talk soon. Gab is sleeping and I have a few hours at home before I have to go back to work AGAIN.

I hate being so busy it makes me feel like I never see gab. But at least I am home with her tommorrow. Love ya always!

C

CDR

Good evening Crystal! I am so happy to be on here, and I feel really good about starting this.

I hope that you are doing well, it makes me sad to not talk to you as much as I would like to, but am forever greatful to have you as my friend. I hope that the kids are doing well.

Well here it is....the Cleanse, Detox, and Rebuild portion of our weight loss. After we are done with these three steps, then we will be in a mindset of smaller portions, hence allowing us to keep off and continue to lose the weight. Lets do this girlie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is very important that you eat ONLY the foods we've specified below, and completly avoid the foods that can cause allergic or inflammatory responses.

Food and drink that you CANNOT have:

• Alcohol, caffeine, and drinks containing sugar or artificial sweetners. This includes ALL sweetners no matter how "natural" they claim to be.
• Avoid ALL foods with refined sugar
• No gluten--look for "Gluten free" on the package. Wheat, rye, oat and barley contain gluten, so all foods containing these grains--most notably bread and pasta are to be avoided.
• No dairy, period. Eggs are okay in the first phase of your detox.
• Avoid corn and tomato sausces, foods high in fat and oil, refined oils, shortenings, margaring and other butter substitutes.
• No peanuts.
• Miscellaneous: No pork products, processed meaths (hotdogs, sausages) or shell fish.
• Certaintly avoid anything else, not mentioned here, to which to know you have an allergy or any kind of reaction. What kind of reaction? "Gee, it seems whenever I eat a lot of fill in the blank, I want to lie down and go to sleep." That kind of reaction.
• Reduce salt as much as is possible (though this is not a salt-free diet) and use Celtic salt when you do.
• NO hydrogenated fats or oils (Read the labels!)

You will abstain from these foods for the duration of the diet.

You should drink a gallon of water a day, sipped in portions of several ounces each throughout the day. No chlorinated or fluorinated water, that is, avoid tap water.

You ARE permitted to eat:

• Vegetables, fruits and melons--though fruits and melon should be avoided in the second phase to cut down your sugar consumption.
• Nuts, not peanuts, but almonds, cashews, Brazil nuts, walnuts, and pecans are all acceptable. Acceptable are sugar free, organic nut butters, i.e. almond butter.
• Fish, chicken, and turkey can be eaten for protein, though fowl should be skinless. Lean beef is also okay. Remember: NO pork.
• Olive oil is for cooking and salads. No corn, canola or other oils.
• Rice and buckwheat, that is, non-gluten containing grains can be eaten.
• Ezekiel bread is gluten-free bread made from sprouted grains and can be used throughout the diet as a bread substitute for sandwiches, etc.
• Caffeine-free coffee and tea--green and herb tea--and clean drinking water.
• Have as much sex as you can handle.

The Cleanse:

The first six days, conform to the diet as specified above. This will prepare your body, "loosening" things up and opening the channels for the excretion and elimination of those substances during Detox. Supplement with:

• A full-spectrum vitamin and mineral supplement
• Omega-3 fish oil supplement
• Acidophilus supplement
• You can eat as much as you'd like of lean protein and vegetables, and a moderate amount of non-gluten grains/bread. Salads are okay, whole tomatos are included.
• Reserve fruits and melon for desserts, having just a small portion due to the sugar content of these foods.

The Detox:

For the subsequent 10 days, you will actually be eliminating the toxins and inflammants form your system. Yeast and harmful bacteria will also be reduced or eliminated--certaintly brought winthin your body's tolerance and ability to deal with them. Adhere to the diet, exluding fruits and melons.

**Personal note--it takes a little getting used to, but it's not that bad. Give it a chance.

Eat lean protein, vegetables, nuts, etc. as in the Cleanse.

The Rebuild:

For the following seven days you will be eating a healthy diet that will allow your body to restore cells, tissues and organs to health. Obviously, in just a week or so, you won't be made to look and feel like twenty, unless of course, you are twenty. But this extra time allows your body to "gear up" for youthful cell production. Stick to the food list. You may add fruit and melon, conservatively, back to your diet.

Don't forget to take:

• Vitamins/Minerals
• Omega-3 Oil
• Acidophilus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there it is. The very hell of cell reproduction and the cleanse and detox that starts the whole process. But, I think it is going to be worth it. I got a lot of stuff today, but not enough vegetables, and I got soy bread, but it still contains gluten, so I am going to go to a health food store and get some gluten free products. I know that it is going to cost me an arm and a leg, but I need it. Maybe I won't feel so tired all the time. Tell me what you think, ok?

Talk to you soon.

Love ya bunches,

Jenn

nice to see you....

SO nice to see you!!!! It is very nice. Your pictures are so cute. You guys look good together for sure. I gotta put my monsters to bed because it is getting late or I would say alot more. But what are you showing off in your hands and where were you guys???

Couple of Pics

WOW!

First, let me say that I am WOW'd right now cause I can't believe that you are back on here. Secondly, I am SO glad to see you back.

Now, onto the important stuff, although I may only have a couple of minutes, Caleb is being a bad boy and REFUSES to lay down. I know how this works, he will fall asleep on the way to the store for grocery shopping. Crys, I am telling you, I am doing something seriously wrong with him. Look at Gab, she is such a good girl and lays down to take naps. I am just not a good mother.

Anyways, about your posts this is what I can tell you. Rather than doing it for you 100% I think you do it somewhat for John so he will notice you. Secondly, I think that you are looking at this as a marathon weight loss thing, rather than a walk in the park with a change in lifestyle. I think we need to make more of a conscious decision to eat the way our bodies NEED to be fed, not what they WANT to be fed. We have to make consicous momeny by moment decisions. A friend has told me that those are called M&M decisions. I know you can do it, as hard as it is. Trust me I am right back with you. I think I am inevitably stuck at 218 or so. But I know that about 80% of the time, I don't care, because I see nothing happening with things when I do eat right, so why even try. I think you can relate.

I think, that for 2 months we should give it an honest whirl to sit down and make menus and then report if we stayed on those menus or not. Write down what we strayed with. I know that you've got the WW cookbook as I do, and I have a heart healthy cookbook that I can get recipies out of.

Goodness, I think Caleb is finally laying down for nap at 2pm!

So, onto other things. (Not that I am blowing off your weight problem.) I think that you should take some steps with me. I haven't talked to you in depth lately, but I have started reading many books about our great and glorious Lord. I am currently reading a book called "Get out of that Pit." And I don't have the author handy but I will get it to you. Basically it tells you what you can do to get yourself out of the pit of life that we are in. Whether it be because of a past experience that threw us into one, or if we got ourselves into one on our own. It is all about the deliverance of Gods word. I know that you go to church and you receive that everytime, but sometimes it is nice to just sit and be alone with a book and connect with what it is saying and then spend a couple of good warm minutes alone with Him. I also have 2 devotional books that I try and read every morning. If for whatever reason I don't get to read them, then when I do get a chance again, I read from the last day to the present day. Sometimes it really hits the nose on the head with what I needed to hear.

I find myself talking a lot to God. Just a conversation, sometimes praying and asking for guidance. I find peace through that. Today I was having a hard time with anxieties and stuff, but I just told God I couldn't handle them on my own and low and behold he took them from me. I am no longer worrying about things right now, and I feel so much lighter. Jeff and I went with his mom to Easter mass on Saturday night, and goodness was it a full house and there were 29 sacraments given (baptisms, first communions, confirmations, and wedding vow renewals). It was such a beautiful thing to see. It made Jeff and I look into each others eyes, and at the same time we said "We want that." It's just been amazing the last couple of weeks.

In addition, 99% of the time I listen to KLOVE. I really love Casting Crowns, Matthew West, and some other ones. Songs that are really touching me right now, and many times help me carry through is "The Motions" and "That's what Faith can do". I don't know if you even care for that type of music, but you know I didn't either until one day there was nothing on the radio and I was parusing for music and found that song "The Motions." It moved me in ways I can't even explain, but it spoke right to my soul.

So anyways, off my soap box now. :)

Caleb is out like a light, of course I feel bad cause he had such a hard time going down and I started getting irritated with him. I didn't yell at him but I think he could feel the tension rising in me. It just makes me such a bad mother. Oh goodness Crys, you should see my house right now. Usually it looks like and F2 tornado hit it, today it looks like an F5 that tore through with a stint of a Tsunami. I don't even know where to begin, and I start my 12 hour shifts tomorrow.

Ugh! Oh well, God will give me the strength and the time to do it. My house is far less important than me taking care of my family.

Ok girlie, I am going to go get those cookbooks and I will post on here our menu for the two weeks.

Love and miss sometimes hours at a time and sometimes day by day, but never longer than that.

Jenn

thinking out loud....

Okay. I thought that I was not going to have a few minutes so I threw that up there but gab is sleeping and this is important to me so I am going to take a minute. I am so angry with myself. I know that the last two months have been really bad and that I should not be so hard on myself but I gained so much weight back it seems I mean eight pounds is alot. And I really worked hard to lose it and just let it go and threw my hands up as if I said I surrender. Why do I do this over and over? I get so close to my goal. THen I just let it all go and have to start over. I know it isnt like I gained it all back but really 160 is heavy for me. because I have always been like 145 or 150 and that is what I should be before I go to the gym. You know the weight that I think I can get to and sustain without changing anything besides for my food. Then I was watching kristy alley on her stupid show that she came up with and it was just that stupid but she said something that got me thinking alot. She was getting her toes painted with a girl that worked with her that was young and from what I could tell in good shape. She was talking about how hanging out with her and hearing her talk about being fat and losing weight and having bad body imigine must effect the young thin girl. I never thought about that at all. until today. I really started thinking about what she said and wondering if part of the reason that I have these problems with my weight is that I live with someone who is weight obessed. I think that I control my weight for the most part but go off the deep end when things are out of wack with John. As if to isolate myself from him more by putting myself in a fat catergory or over eater that he doesnt belong to. I dont know it doesnt make much sense at all but in a way I have no clue why I let this happen. I see how good I am doing and then I say fuck it. and go off the deep end rather than staying with it when it isnt all that hard in the first place. I dont know. I really dont!

again......CANT Say goodbye to the 160s for my life.....

Just to try to get back into this in the only fashion I can at this second.

Today

B 2 waffles one sausage and coffee w milk and sugar
S coffee
L big plate of salad with light dressing and 2 small dinner rolls very little butter that I spread on the top from when I baked them on easter.

That is it so far. no exercise but the day is not over yet. oh and by the way I weigh 160 again. and want to scream.

Love ya!

Crystal

Happy Easter

I decided that I would pop in and say happy Easter to you! I miss you alot and hope that you are having a good day. I am really tired and had a very long day yesterday. I am cooking for the whole family for the first time and it is really stressful and tiring. I know that I am going to weigh a thousand pounds by monday and I am totally starting my diet again tommorrow. I hope. I think anyway. Well Darren is watching Gab so that I can wash my hair. SO I am going to have to go do that now!

Love ya and miss u daily.

Crystal

My Update/Vent

Hey you,

I am sorry to that you have had such a hard time this last month with the weight thing. But you are right you have to give yourself a bit of slack because of the difficult time you've had. You will get back on the swing of things shortly. How is the move going?

I understand how you can feel so upset and scared about Gab. I have been there. Just ask lots of questions of the doctors and be sure that you have a full understand of pre-op, op, and post-op. You are her mother and you have a right to know. I can only imagine how she is going to react to the men in white coats after what they are going to put her through. She already has a steady dislike for them and now this, OH BOY! But watch she is going to grow up and be a doctor!

I am hoping that Bird is doing ok dealing with CMT's. I know that Autumn is already have anxiety over her SAT tests that are coming up in April. But Bird has a good head on his shoulders and I am sure he is going to do fine. He is like his mama!

So, I want to know what the docs are saying about Donna. I know you don't have time to answer in a text, but if you could please give me a good solid update here when you get a chance I would appreciate it. Have you been able to go see her lately, I really hope so.

So, moving onto me. I don't want you to stress about it, but maybe this will give you something else to think about than all the difficulties in your life.

So, where to start....

Ummm.....

Okay, jumping in with my emotional imbalance/unrest at this time. Something is off with me. I am very angry. I am angry about life in general. I hate work (more on this to come), I hate being at home, I hate that I am so far behind in school right now I am drowning. I hate living here, I told Jeff I have this pit-of-my-stomach feeling that it is time for us to move on. At times I want to sit down and cry, at other times I want to blow up and start yelling at people. I actually left work early yesterday because all day I was so pissed off and I had to keep biting my tongue because if not I was going to go postal. I took today off to see if I can get myself back in sync.

Now, onto my homeostasis being off. I have been getting headaches that make me dizzy and very tired. I've had 2 of them so far. Well 2 days after the last one, I was driving home from the store and almost ran a stop sign, something I have never done. Then yesterday, Jeff and I left at the same time and headed the same direction, and I almost rear-ended him. I can't seem to eat right. Either I want to eat junk food or I don't want to eat at all. When I do eat, my stomach hurts. I also cannot seem to drink anything. I have drank maybe 6oz a day for the past 3 days. I am so dehydrated it is crazy.

The work thing. Oh my God. I am so pissed. Okay, Kimble (a supervisor) had told me to talk to Jenny (the director) about moving up now that I am certified. So, I did. She had told me that she didn't know about me wanting to be a TAC (NCIC) but SHE was going to ask me about going through a week long class to become a Certified Training Officer. So, I went to her the other day after talking with her about all this and she told me that Kimble jumped the gun and sent out an e-mail to the three people HE wanted as CTO's. She told me she didn't agree with his selections and made him retract the e-mail. Well gues who WASN'T one of the people to receive that e-mail? You got it sister................ME! Jenny proceeded to tell me that we are going to have to go through a selection process. In which they will be selecting people based on what you're doing now in your job, whether or not you go the extra mile during the day, your punctuality and attendance, your attitude towards your job and so forth.

In addition. We don't have a shift supervisor on Thursdays. So, yesterday, Stephanie (kind of a CTO) was put in charge of the shift. She wouldn't let me work APD, I was again on 911. Now to get you to understand I have only worked APD one time and County one time since we moved into the new facility on the 18th of February. Other than that I have worked 911, but I am not good enough to train one of the new girls on 911, Brandi (a dispatcher) is. It irritates, hurts, and pisses me off that I am being overlooked. I can't even begin to let Jenny know what I am capable of because I am never given the chance. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell I am doing wrong. Why am I not good enough? Why can someone not give me the slightest chance? Well never-the-less yesterday when Stephanie told me that I was working 911 I threw down my keys and got some serious attitude. So, that will go against me on the above thing about the CTO. And yes, Jenny will find out because Stephanie and Jenny are good friends outside of work, and I am sure that Stephanie sent an e-mail about my bad attitude. Do you see why I needed to leave yesterday and take off today?

You know what makes me so mad about this too, is the lying and backstabbing that goes on. I also hate that there is favortism. I have never been a favorite of anyone's and never will be, and because of that I am never going to be looked at.

So, I have taken this to Jeff and this is what he has suggested. Jenny had sent an e-mail out asking for suggestions on how to work the schedule. So, right now I am sitting down trying to do a mock schedule on how things could work in a theoretical setting. I thought I was smart enough to do it, but let me tell you it is very difficult. I never thought it would be so hard. I am about 1/2 done with one month. In addition, because Jenny wants to know what a CTO would bring to the program and offer the trainee, he thinks I need to put something together in writing about all that I can bring. I don't even know where to start.


The questions that I have in here are rhetorical and not meant for you to try and answer them. I am really just venting.

Crys, I am so pissed, confused, and upset that I am having a hard time dealing with my Caleb. He is so active, into everything, and it is just causing more stress. I am fidning myself raising my voice at him, and getting very irritated. This is not fair to him at all. I am really trying not to get so upset. He is just a baby and doesn't know any better. That is why I am here, to teach him.

Now, add into all of this that my house is always a mess, there is always piles and piles of laundry to do. I feel so overwhelmed. My mind is always reeling with so much stuff. I feel so much like I just want to pick up and runaway.

On a positive note, Jeff and I have started something new. Every night, we sit with the kids, and read a couple of passages from the New Testament. Jadon and Autumn are really into it. Codey couldn't care less and of course Caleb doesn't sit back and listen. Then Jeff and I sit down and read a chapter from the book "The Love Dare". Which we missed last night because I am off kelter and my stomach was killing me. Understandably he was so upset about that.

Okay girlie, I think that is all right now. I know it's alot. Don't try and take everything in, you worry about everything that is going on in your life right now, it's a lot. Right now I wish more than anything that I was close to you. I think that we could both use each other, and yet we are so far apart.

Jenn

updating

SO I have not been doing a good job at all with my eating and I feel really bad but I have to figure out a way to get back to the way that I was. The thing is that I keep saying to myself that I will just continue to go along with the waiting till things are over and then start again. But the problem is that things are dragging out so long and what I think the bottom line is that no matter what there is going to be a ton of stress over the next few months so saying that I am going to wait until the stress goes away is not going to work.

I had a really stressful day today and am worried about my little gab. I cant even talk about it. Everyone keeps telling me how worried they are and then I tell them oh she will be fine dont worry but then who is there to tell me that she will be okay? This sucks.

Bird has CMTs this week and next week and I feel bad for him to because this is the most stress that we have right now with the move and donna and everything and for him to have the CMTs now sucks.

But we will get through it I guess.

Love ya.

hey

So i know that I have been gone for a long while and sorry about that. I have fallen off the diet train hard. I have missed weight watchers last week and I am not going to be happy going there this week because I have gained two pounds back. I am not happy but I feel as if this hasbeen such a bad month that I need to be fair to myself. I am not going to talk to much right now but we will talk soon. here anyway I hope in real life sooner.

Crystal

Happy Valentines Day

So I probally just gained about two pounds back from the way that I ate today but I have to say that today will be my cheat day and I have taken all the extra points that weight watchers has given me and then some I think and ate them all up in one night. That being said it was worth it! I had the best steak tonight and mashed potatos and salad and bread and butter and fried mozerella oh boy the list goes on and on....

Whatever.

And it was just me and john and you know what it was really nice. We were still somber and the topics of conversation could not be too lively but it was good. And I had a good time.

I am glad that you are back home as I am sure that you are too. I am staying up late because I am going to be watching big love soon and I cant wait. It is on at 11:30 so I hope I make it another hour and then hour after that.

Talk with you soon I hope and please continue to pray for us. Because while this message was a little happier it is still not a even close to happy time for us.

Talk with you soon. Hey did you ever get to look at all the pictures and posts that I had on here while you were gone???

HOpe so.

Love ya! Oh and bird says hi and happy valentines day!

C

thank god

your home.

Checking in

Hey you, just want to check in on you real fast and see how you are doing. I know that you are coping, and that is all that can be expected. Remember that I am here for you if you need me.

I am still thinking and praying everyday for everyone involved..

I am glad to hear that your weight is down! Way to go! I am going to get back to working on that now that I am back from Santa Fe for good.

I will talk to you soon.

Miss you lots love ya bunches.

Jenn

things

Ahh things.

Are the same. Today we have a meeting with the docs again and I know that it will not be a good one. We will see I will let you know what they say later on. I am alright for now.

I am wondering what the heck my life is going to be like once all the pieces from this get picked up. I dont know.

Talk with you later on.

sharing my good news with a side of guilt

I am 152 today and it feels really good. BUT I feel really bad being happy with that seeing as there are such bigger problems in the world.

John asked me today who I am losing the weight for as he always is a ball breaker and I said what is true.

I am losing weight for me. Because I dont want my heart to work harder than it should have to. And so there for my goal is to be in the healthy range for my height and no longer be over weight at all. So I need to be in between 118 and 141. I know that 118 is too thin for me and what I think I should be. So I will be happy with 141. With an offical goal of 135.

K gotta go change gab.

love ya.

all I can tell yah...

WEll.

We are still in a state of nothing.

Days are passing and we almost going into weeks here and nothing has changed. The thing that I keep thinking is that if britt is going to say keep her alive do what you need to do...then that is her choice but WHY not then speak up and say lets start therapy and whatnot. Do not just sit there with everything like hanging by a thread but who am I to say. I am just the sister in law and I have had the whole let's do what is best for Donna talk and then I pulled out. I cannot look like someone who is encouraging death over life. I of course would prefer her to live but what is living.... certaintly not lying in a bed.

Let me try to update you on me so that we can talk about something other than the elephant sitting on my soul with his trunk wrapped tightly around my neck....

I am doing shitty with my diet. By some miracle I think that I havent really gained much. I am 155.0 this Am and that is up from the 153 whatever I was but whatever is the word. I basically took a week off and when I go back to the meeting tonight I am going to try to take with me a new found energy to get back on board with this thing.

I have to get to the gym as well which now is put on hold even more due to the elephant again.

I have to find a home daycare or mom with a kid gabs age that I really like. Which is going to be REALLLY hard but I need more options. Because it is going to get really hard to get to work everyday since Heather is starting up her regular job again soon and needs to be around alot less when that starts up. She works at a seasonal restaurant. My goodness my brain is on slow. It took me forever to spell some of the words that I just typed and god knows how many are wrong.

I have been taking Xanxax that is right world I AM ON DRUGS! But Jenn it is helping and I cant deal any other way so it is what it is.

My stupid ass nail broke this morning and I gotta get it fixed beforeI chew all the other ones off so that they will match.

My gram is making me lunch tommorrow. It will be cabbage.

Gab's Pt is coming tommorrow to consult with me and look at her arches in her feet to determine if her little feet still look flat. My poor girl. They look good to me. But I am just an ass.....lol... That is my apperivation in the computer for my position......lol.

Okay the other day in rite aid I saw something that made me laugh so hard.....

The singing fish that sings give me back that filet of fish give me that fish....So stinkn funny.

I got in a little tiff with my dad the other day because he never calls me and he told me that I NEVER CALL ANYONE....and that my gramma has been waiting to here from me for two weeks. lol. I talk to her every day I told you she is going crazy.

WEll FUCK everyone.

That is what I have to say.

FUCK THEM ALL.

If they do not want to call me then Fuck um.

I cant even be bothered one more day.

So...I guess you can say. i am doing better. Moving into the angry stage. The thing that makes no sense is that I am coming to terms with the death but there still hasnt been one. I think I am coming to terms ( not over it just passed denial and shock) with the loss but havent had to deal with the DEATH itself yet. Does that make any sense???

Done.

update..

My life sucks right now.

I weigh 153.2 so thats good but I feel bad that I can say that when I am so sad on so many levels. I am not sure how I am going to recover from this one. But I can tell you this. Donna wanted me and my family to be happpy. So come hell or high water that is what I am working towards.

She is still here. No change. She is peacful on the vent with eyes closed but its not fair. She shouldnt have to sit like that. She is not responding to anything today. Not when I tickle her feet even. I dont know.

THis is the third biggest loss of my life. My mom and pop and her....It is brutal because it is all the people that I loved so dearly. I dont get it.

I sware Jenn I wish you lived in Ct. I miss you so much. But dont feel like you should try to fly here or anything like that (Because I know you have thought about it because I know you) I would never want to waste any of our time crying and since that is all I am good for right now. I would be said to waste our time.

K pray for us that we get through this and that Donna that she is not in any pain at all because I would hate it if she was.

God please take care of my dear sister.

crashing down around me...

Our world is being shaken and our life challenged.

My sister in law is dying.

My weigh, though on the back burner is good and I will try to use this loss so far as yet another reason to stay thin.

Let's pray that whatever god's plan is that it is what is best for Donna and stops her pain. We cant be selfish here but that being said I know she did not want to die.

She wanted to live.

But she wasnt doing that either.

down a bit more....

WEll updating you on whats going on with my attempts to be healthy. I am doing well.t another pound and a half according to weight watchers I am 158.0 and at my house I am 155.8. I am really glad that I am on the way back down. Like I told you as soon as I weigh less that 153 then i will feel like I am really losing weight again because that was where I was when you came to see me and then I fell off the wagon and I have to get back on. I hope that things are okay with you and that you are at home with your family by now. I know that you are going to be very busy with them seeing as you want to give them all your time. I understand so dont worry about it but just know that I miss you dearly and look forward to talking to you soon.

Love ya girlie....

Oh by the way I am not without fault. I ate two cupcakes tonight and lasgna. It was my brother's b day and he came over for dinner and tommorrow is Darren's and my sister;s so I am going to have a hard weekend!



Crystal

the big moment....

army brat...

SO I made this soup today and it was weight watchers but the dumb thing was so good that I ate like ten bowls of it and I ate it at night! I know very bad. Let's just hope that tommorrow I dont get on the scale having gained like two pounds because that would really suck and I have to go to weight watchers in a few days (thursday) and I do not want to have gained wieght back and I really want to have lost more so. That being said.

I just got done watching teen mom. It is this show on MTV about these teen mothers and their stories. i feel for them all but there is this one couple that gave their baby up for adoption and I was so upset to see on the MTV blog that people are talking trash about them. Oh my good ness it is so not nice. This poor little couple are going through so much and feel bad every day about what they did and if they did the right thing and then to have people say mean things like oh they just did not want to take care of their kid blah blah blah that is Bull shit. I think that they did the best that they could and the fact that they are still together six months later and trying to make things the best that they can be shows that they were not just looking for an easy way out. And to top it off they both come from like nothing and the girl who now lives with the boy because her own mother went and got a one bedroom apt like 40 miles away from her and was like oh yeah we want you to come with us.... WHat? How can you get a one bedroom and be like peace out to your 17 year old.....WHo had to go live with her boyfriend then. Gee and this is the same mom that thought that she should keep the baby. Then where would the baby and her fit in with her and her redneck drunk boyfriend? Grr. I just feel bad for the girl. THey are just babies themselves like you and me when we were first mommies.

Babies with Babies.....

We didnt do all that bad!

I hope that you are having a good time being all mil a tar reee you are probally gonna get all crazy skinny. You should just have them let you do drill too it can be your own little training camp! LOL I was just telling my sister this today that I would love to be on biggest loser for like a week. Do you know this guy lost 34 pounds this week on there. 34 pounds in one week!!! Of course he was 526 to start but still good god! That is a TON of weight!

ANyways besides for the over eating with the soup I did good. Tommorrow will be a test to because we have our staff meeting and during those I always do bad. SO I am going to be bringing my own food and praying for will power! My sister was over today and she is still maintianing the 140 weight that she is at and she was complaining that she wants to lose ten more pounds. I told her that I would LOVE to be 140 and it is so true! I have twenty pounds on her still and she is bitching...GRR. She has to tell me her secret. She said go to italy with no car and climb a mountain every day two and from class and eat no fast food. There you go. LOL.

ANyways, Gab is doing good. I feel like I never tell you about her anymore so I am going to take a few minutes to tell you some of what she does now and days. She counts that is for one.lol So this is her....One two three four six seven eight nine.... SHe must not like multiples of five....lol. She will say it some times! SHe names colors like crazy but rarely gets them right but she is always trying she will bring somethin up to me and be like green! and its pink but goof try momma! She loves to play in the water and says swim swim swim kick kick kick while pretending to swim. She loves her baby dolls and has named them all baby shawn. THe other day at the library we saw a baby that was crawling around and she had to come home and crawl and act like a baby. It is the funniest thing. THen there is the rolling and running. SHe loves to roll and scream at the same time....SO she looks like a coo cooo bird but its cute and she runs around and around the house screaming one two three over and over.... WHen we pull onto our street she says HOME! ANd I mean the start of the street like 200 ft from home. She is now talking like crazy and says own room at the condo...... SHe is loving her gym class and is doing really well making friends with people. She said hi to like ten random strangers today at mcdonalds wow! She is not a big eater but will try whatever. She loves ketchup and chicken and sryup with sausage.... There is a commerical on tv that she HATES it is the one with the mistole and it is a warning not to drive drunk God she runs from that commerical.....

K now to be far bird.....

BIrd is becoming so big! It is his birthday this weekend and I sware he grew like ten inches. He looks more slender but did not lose weight so there for I know for sure that he is growing up higher! It is wild how fast it happens. He has been so sweet and such a big boy lately. WE are going to that concert really soon and he cant stop telling people about it! I have to take him out this sat for his birthday. It should be fun. He is getting very into wearing Jeans and my gram got him a pair that he LOVES....But I have to get him some more because he hated them for so long that he does not have a lot of them. He is getting really excited about the move and wants to make new friends and go to his new school soon. I am glad because today when we drove through the condo lot there was no lie like 6 boys with different parents in the complex. Like one on a scooter.... Two walking in the house with their mom, one at his door and two getting in the car with their mom I was like YEAH! I hope Bird makes really great friends there and that there are a few little girls too~!

K girlie I gotta hit the hay. I hope you at least get to read but never worry about being short I TOTAlly get it! You be good army brat.

C

roll call????

Roll call? Holey cow your at miltary school! Well good for you for getting there and doing it! I hope that you are learning alot and that it is going well. I miss talking to you too! I am doing okay but I have a horrible headache right now but I am hoping that it will fade soon. I had another car issue and it was some converter part or whatever and what it ended up doing is costing me another 400 dollars. All I can do is pray that I get a good tax return so that I can get these bills back down. Grr...

I owe 2500 to cap one
1500 to Raymore and Flannigan
1500 to pilgrim furtinure
500 to walmart.....

So all that together I hope to pay them all down to half which means I need to clear.....about 3500 from my tax return after the first time buyer credit because I have to give that right to John. Lets pray that I get that. Then I can feel better about having to use the cards so much recently.

Anyway I am paying the minimums so that is all set as a matter of fact I am paying over the mins so I am still in good shape i just dont like the feeling of having it all over my head you know?
Anyway the diet is going well. I ate the bast soup today but I ate a ton of it. It was alot! But it was healthy and is sopposed to be a point a cup from weight watchers and I am guessing that it was about 7 to 8 points by the time I was done. It was really good.

I hope that your family is doing well and that you are getting to talk to them a little bit! Feel free to talk to them here if you think that would help and then jeff can read it to them that was you can fill us all in at the same time!

K miss you!

Crystal

Exhausted

Hey girlie, just want to check in with you real fast and see how you are doing. Hope you are doing well. I miss talking to you like crazy, and of course I miss you.

I am doing ok. I am exhausted. I am not used to going to bed so late. I am not allowed to lay down until after 9pm, and I have to be up at like 530 so I can go eat breakfast. I know it seems like a long time but for some reason not right now. I am also not used to sitting in a classroom all day. I am used to being very busy and stuff, so it is a big change.

I enjoyed my first day. It was a lot of fun.

I really hate to be so short and non-informative, but I am going to work on my homework and then I am going to do roll call and go to bed.

Remember, love and miss you lots.

Jenn

Oh boy

Hey beautiful,

Sorry to hear that you had a hard day with the eating thing, but there is always tomorrow. I ate bad today as well, on the way up here we stopped at Red Lobster and I ate the coconut shrimp. Then for dinner we only had like 45 minutes and they weren't serving it here, so we went to Burger King and I got the grilled chicken sandwich and onion rings with a Dr. Pepper. But, I didn't eat but 5 of the onion rings, and didn't touch the Dr. Pepper at all.

I did make it to Santa Fe ok. There are 3 of us up here so it is nice not to be alone! I think it is going to be a lot of work but very fun. It is so military like, we have to clean our own dorm, make our beds from scratch and so on. But, it is only 3 weeks, I think I can survive! I of course can't wait for Friday to come so I can go home to my family.

You can text me but I want to let you know that I am not able to have my phone with me from 630 in the morning until 500 at night. So, if you text I will probably not respond until after 730 my time because after we get out of class at 5 we can go out and eat and stuff until 730. I just don't want you to think that I am ignoring you, I am just restricted from even having it on my person. .

The condo is looking beautiful! I can't believe it and I know it is a sin to be jealous, but girl that is what I am. But, in the same turn I am so happy for you. You finally own your own home! Hey, what is going on with your car? I would hate for you to have to incur a car payment.

Alrighty girl I really don't have much more to say. I will try and jump on here for at least a couple minutes to let you know how things are going and that I haven't forgotten about you.

Love ya,

Jenn

leaving town......U r.....

SO I did not eat all that good today. I did good most of the day but the thing is I had a chef salad and there is so much cheese and salmi in there. grr I did not eat it all but still.

Then big love was on tonight and I ate some crackers then. ANyway I went over my points but it is okay. I will do good tommorrow and you do get extra points so I am not really out of points. I am okay. I just ate more than I wanted to...Blah Blah Blah

I hope that things are okay for you and that you got out to your destination okay. I will text you tommorrow as I am sure that you are beat from the ride. But if you see this know that I am thinking about you.

I am following a new blog and I am really liking it. I have been following them for a long while since Kayliegh and then april rose and all that. But the name of the blog is Catherine and Hannah angels in heaven...Or something like that I can try to get you the exact link.

But anyway, this couple has had such a hard time. THey were not married until very recently but had tried twice to have a child over the last few years and lost both girls due to different reasons. One little one was born and lived for a bit and almost came home but passed away because of a heart defect very quickly and the other little one was born asleep. (that's there saying). Well they are now married and still trying and expecting a little boy. She is only 13 weeks but found out already. WOW. SHe does video blogs and all that and I am just praying for her like crazy. I thought you might like to follow it too because I think it can be a very heart warming thing to see them finally have a healthy baby. Also mom Rachel has a bicornal uterus and they think that might have something to do with the troubles for the past. But she is being watched like crazy this time.....If she can hang in for another 14 weeks is.....SHe will bring a baby home this time. I hope she makes it much longer!

Okay girl....I cant believe big love tonight was sso crazy. I know you dont watch it but it was nuts! One of the "moms" Margine the youngest one who is 25 ish kissed her sister wifes son who is 21 is and she is sopposed to be his mom....ooops... THis is gonna get wild.

K lovey...

C

The longest minutes ever

SO I have been telling you this song and dance about how I can never work out because I dont get to the gym but I am devoting at least ten or fifteen minutes a day to high intensity exercise in the house. This is going to allow me to get 2 activity points a day for weight watchers. My goal is still to get to the gym of course but so far today has been good. THose minutes are so long!

SO I going to get off and relax a bit but I will come back later on. This computer is the one that jumps all over the page when you are typing so it is a pain to use. I will be back later! I hope you at least have access to a computer when you are away so that I can have you read to know I think about you and how I am doing with all this....

K love ya!

Crystal

pound cake

Hey girlie.

I lost a pound. I stopped at the stupid place to weigh in before I went to work and I did it one more pound. Whoo hoo. Did I tell you that my landlord is the person that weighs me in? It is so weird. Oh what is even worse is that after that I had to go make a deposit fast at the bank and I am all wearing my weight watchers name tag when the sexy but clearly gay bank teller was talking to me and knew my name I was like Shit and I said it out loud and ripped the tag off. What a moron. LOL.

I thought it would give you a giggle.

Anyway, I am trying to set up a meeting with the high up in the birth to three system so that she and I can look over this stupid portfolio together and there will be no surprises in store for me! I am getting there though. It is all together and then I read the guidelines and realized that it all needs to be single pages and you know I doubled them up and now I need yet again a bigger binder. I am telling you the thing is 20 pounds already. What a pain in the ass I cannot wait for it to be done.

So last night was not a good night in my world. Things are really tense in my house with the money that is being put into the condo and this floor guy that is on pills or whatever because he never comes when he says that he is going to this all is a great excuse for me to have to be on pins and needles in my house.

Whatever I asked for I guess. I am on the five year plan.....In five years I will have the money and the kids will be older yadayada and he can take the condo and .....

Okay you get it.

Love you for always lovin me dispite my inablilty to break free......

C