thinking out loud....

Okay. I thought that I was not going to have a few minutes so I threw that up there but gab is sleeping and this is important to me so I am going to take a minute. I am so angry with myself. I know that the last two months have been really bad and that I should not be so hard on myself but I gained so much weight back it seems I mean eight pounds is alot. And I really worked hard to lose it and just let it go and threw my hands up as if I said I surrender. Why do I do this over and over? I get so close to my goal. THen I just let it all go and have to start over. I know it isnt like I gained it all back but really 160 is heavy for me. because I have always been like 145 or 150 and that is what I should be before I go to the gym. You know the weight that I think I can get to and sustain without changing anything besides for my food. Then I was watching kristy alley on her stupid show that she came up with and it was just that stupid but she said something that got me thinking alot. She was getting her toes painted with a girl that worked with her that was young and from what I could tell in good shape. She was talking about how hanging out with her and hearing her talk about being fat and losing weight and having bad body imigine must effect the young thin girl. I never thought about that at all. until today. I really started thinking about what she said and wondering if part of the reason that I have these problems with my weight is that I live with someone who is weight obessed. I think that I control my weight for the most part but go off the deep end when things are out of wack with John. As if to isolate myself from him more by putting myself in a fat catergory or over eater that he doesnt belong to. I dont know it doesnt make much sense at all but in a way I have no clue why I let this happen. I see how good I am doing and then I say fuck it. and go off the deep end rather than staying with it when it isnt all that hard in the first place. I dont know. I really dont!