Okay Crys, I just made a mistake on the computer and it wiped out the extremely large post I had done. DAMN IT! First, I am not pulling away, please don't think that, it was never my intention of making you feel this way. I feel horrible that you feel this way, and to think it is all because of me. I hate that I did this to you.
I am exhausted so I am going to try and make this short and succinct, while still conveying everything I want to say to the fullest. I am really sorry that I didn't call you or at least text you to let you know what was going on.
First, yesterday:
I went to Wal-mart and I got some stuff for Caleb, like a sandbox, a bin with a cover for all of his toys, and some new toys. I also spent 2 hours with Autumn just doing girlie time, and then I came home and Jeff and I stained a piece of wood that we put up today as trimming on a corner of the wall between the living room and hallway. Yesterday Jeff and I grilled out so I was helping with that, I also raked up dog crap in the backyard. I worked on laundry, cleaning the bathroom. I gave Caleb a bath and got him down. I then worked on homework for about 4 hours and finally gave up and went to bed around 11.
Today:
I got up today around 7 and began my day. Jeff and I went to Artesia and put $331 on layaway for Christmas at K-Mart. Then we were enroute to Roswell and just before we went to eat Jeff and I got into a huge fight. I went in and ate lunch with the baby, he drove away. Caleb and I were done eating, he came in and we left to return home. On the way the fight got more ugly and Jeff pulled over to the side of the road and said he was done. I proceeded to get into the car and I drove away, leaving him to walk home 80 miles. I of course turned around after 10 minutes and him calling me and got him, but the fight continued. We got home, cooled down a bit, and then we adhered the piece of wood to the wall. We also hung a huge dart board in a cupboard in the garage. By the time we were done with that the kids were home from school and I had to get them going on homework. 5 o'clock came very fast, so we went to the store and got dinner, I cooked it and then I started on the hell-amount of homework I have. I have worked on it another solid 3.5 hours and it is still not done and I am still behind. I got tired and am trying to figure out how I am going to get this done tomorrow before I have to go to work, but saw the conundrum I put you in and couldn't leave it, I had to respond.
Crys, I don't know if you know how much I miss you and how much you mean to me. You are like the sister I never had. I think about you and the kids constantly, always wondering if all is ok. I worry to no end when you don't anwer your phone, wondering what bad could have happened to you in the event of a nasty fight with John. Crys, you are the only person I am connected to right now. I am disconnected from my mom, sister, Jeff and my acquaintance Jennifer. You have brought so much into my life it is unthinkable of not having you in my life. I am forever thankful for babycenter, and am so happy to have taken that leap to e-mail you and place that first phone call (or did you place it first) either way, I am happy it happened. I love the fact that I took a leap and flew out to see you and am grateful I got to spend that week with you, I have so many memories I carry with me. Crys, just sitting here my eyes are welling up at how much I miss you, and wish that I was closer so we could see each other whenever we wanted or needed. It's days like today that I needed to be close to you, for that shoulder to cry on or for those ever compassionate ears of a best friend.
I too am very very depressed. I hate the fact that I have to go to work starting tomorrow again. I am anxious over the fact that I believe Friday I work a graveyard, get off at 6 am will be home by 7 and get to wake up at noon to be back to work at 2. The thought of that is killing me. I am so tired and that idea is making me very anxious and sad. I have learned so much from you. I am trying to "just be" and "relax" and it is very difficult. As you know I always have something to do and that is starting to piss me off. I would love to just be able to sit down for 30 minutes and drink a cup of tea and relax. I am too am depressed over my weight. I gained 2 lbs in 1 day, up to 219 as of this morning. I told my doctor today that I am going to die fat and unhappy. I have no time to go to the gym to help my weight or to go to a shrink to help the unhappiness. My Caleb deserves that hour it would take for either of those to happen.
I have a breaking heart right now, so bad to the point I can feel physical effects of it. I hate myself for having put you in this feeling of rejection. I miss you so much. I miss being near you and in that beautiful state of yours. I sit everyday and think about how much fun we had and how much more fun we could have and how much closer we could be. I take very vivid memories of our time together with me. I too developed the pictures I took while I was there and have 2 cds made for you, one for each camera. I promised double exposures and that is what I did. Give me a bit to get them out to you, money is going to be tight again, to the point of the overdraft going into effect. But, I will get them to you, I promise.
Crys, the text you sent me about you missing me as much as you miss your mom hit home for me. It meant a lot to me that I mean that much to you, so all I can say is that I miss you as much as I miss my grandmother. And to put it into perspective I talk to thin air, thinking she will hear me and that I will get some type of answers to my problems. I still sit at times and am angry over the fact that I don't have her here anymore to give a hug to. I know you feel these same things about your mom. I don't think I have ever had anyone else care this much about me, and I hate it that I put all of this at stake because I am an idiot and forgot to bring my charger with me, so my phone will be dying any second, and the fact that I didn't call you from Jeff's phone. I am so sorry, I don't know what other words I can use to make sure you understand I never meant to hurt you, or to make you think I was pulling away. I hate myself right now, I really do.
I am asking for you to forgive me. I will make a promise that I will call you everday and at least leave a message for you. If you don't hear from me by about 2 your time, then send me a text or give me a call and see whats going on. If I can't get to you right away I will get to you ASAP. I am so scared right now that I have lost one of the most precious things to me, you.
I will send you a text tomorrow after 4 your time, I have to get to work and get my phone on the charger.
Love you always,
Jenn
