If ever there were a rainbow of emotions I probably have each and every one of them wrapped up in me right now. I am angry that Jadon may be sick, I am scared that we will lose him, I am nervous to go to El Paso and get the tests done, I am hopeful that nothing is wrong. It scares me to death to think of the things that could happen to him, and I know the operative word being "could". But you know, I can't help it. I sit now and rather than watching his handsome, fragile face while he is sleeping; I am counting his pulse, feeling for abnormalities in the push of blood through the tiny veins in his wrist. Rather than worrying about the dirt that is under his fingernails, I am looking for signs of cyanosis. Rather than asking him how his day is, I ask him if he has had any problems and how he is feeling. Do you have any clue what it feels like to have your sweet 5 year old tell you he is scared to die? That he doesn't want to die? I am going to be batshit crazy by the time this is all done.
I was feeling his pulse last night and there was an extra beat and a missed beat from time to time. It did not feel like a normal beat to me at all. But, I do not have M.D. behind my name.
Because of all of this I am eating the worst I ever have.
Take yesterday for instance:
B-6 mini chocolate donuts
S-Hersheys with almonds bar
L-Bacon chicken ranch sandwich from Dominos and BOTH lava cakes
D-3/4 of a quesadilla from Taco Bell
Total Calories: Ballpark of 2500 with nothing that was of nutritional value.
I am trying today again though....
B-Fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonalds along with an apple walnut salad a large vanilla iced coffee
Not sure what I am doing yet for lunch, but we shall see.
Crys, I am really happy for you on the condo. Just be sure to keep it in the back of your mind that I may need to rent a room from you in case there is something wrong with Jadon and I make the decision to take him to Yale for treatment! Besides I would need you next to me. I have Jeff, but the poor thing is such an emotional mess right now. He said that Jadon is his kryptonite, and he is right. Those two men have an extremely strong attachment to each other. So, I am going to need someone...hell I need someone now. I know you are here for me, but you have been so busy with the baby and getting your life together, I don't want to bother you.
Anyways, I know that we had said that we would keep this positive, but I just have a hard time right now. But here it goes:
1. Jadons final result came back borderline cardiomegaly....
2. I have better food for today and I will get back on track
3. You're buying a FREAKING CONDO!
4. I must remember that what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger
5. God has a plan, and although I may not agree with it or understand it, I must go with it
Talk to you soon.
Love ya,
Jenn
