Jenn,
SOmehow someway I am still alive. I sware I thought that I was gonna die today and that I was not going to make it through the day and here I am .
I ate the following today just so you know.
B a few bites of egg and toast but I threw it up. Not to be gross or anything
L waffles and sausage
D steak and potato and veggies
S two cookies that I made and a glass of milk
So that is what I ate today. Let's hope that I did not gain two pound just because I ate two cookies. Stranger things have happened to me. Tonight when I was talking to my gramma I told her about what happened and that the land lord was saying all that shit that I told you he was saying before and she said to me why dont you look for a better place and I said I cant really because it costs alot and she said well you have a partner and you dont have to go it alone and I held it all in but when I got off the phone I was crying again and I told John what she said and I said that I was so upset and I felt like the world was caving in on me and that I was going to have a letter on the door telling me that I needed to move out and have no time to save a sercurityt deposit and so there for would be homeless and then John Hugs me and says do you love me? I felt like dying....Do I LOVE HIM? AFter all this pain and angony.The question is about him. Then he said that he would never leave me flat. Well what does that mean? Then he said you dont love me and I said you dont love me and he said that is not true and if you did you would never have put me through the last few days and he said that he was trying to give me a little piece and that I wanted him out and that is what he was trying to do. What the fuck does all that mean.
That is where I am now.
I was just laying in my bed crying again a few hours ago while I was getting gab down and now I am like what just happened? Did John just change his mind? I dont know what the hell that means. THen by the way he cooked us dinner tonight....Jenn I am in a world that makes no sense.
I was thinking to I was not to convincing that I want you to come before. I WANT YOU TO COME! I might not be the BEST host and may be a bit out of sorts but I WANT you to come. I want to go to new york with you and the beach and the casino and the spa. I want to go to lunch and breakfast and school and all that and I want you to come. That being said if something happened with your money and you CANNOT come then can you by any chance come as soon as the money comes in? No right? Because of the vacation thing? I want you to come. NOw of then or both for good ness sake.
Sorry I was not as convinvcing before I just have no faith in myself as a anything now. N ot a mother friend woman not a thing.
But maybe tommorrow I will still weigh under 156 if so then it is offically the lowest I have been in a long time, THats good.
Talk to you soon......
C
