Crys,
Do not worry about your weight. Right now I think you need to just focus on getting yourself back on track. I think that you have fallen off a little bit because of the stress and everything else in your life. I think that if you could get to the gym again that it would make you feel better. I know that I have been feeling better since I went back, although today sucked as far as eating is concerned, but hey there is always tomorrow. I will get through this. I will get back to a point where I will have healthy food in my house, and will get back on track 110%. You will too. Just take time for you. Please?
I am getting hooked on that littleaprilone site and that is not good. I don't want to put myself through another hard time. Although this one is different, I hate even thinking about someone losing a baby, it just hurts. I know that everything happens for a reason, but I just can't find that to be ok. Why would God give someone a baby only for them to lose it? There is no rationalization.
Okay, so I am thinking, and thinking hard about going into counseling. But I do think about the possible nervous breakdown I could have, or how angry I could get. I am afraid that I am bipolar...what then....where does my life go? I probably won't be able to get into the field that I love. I mean there is such a stigma agains that disease. I function fine, and am not homicidal or suicidal. Not to mention that I consider myself really intelligent. I feel like if I have to carry that diagnosis with me then I will forever be hindered from my dreams and aspirations. After all I think that my dreams and aspirations are ME....the true me.....what I want. Some may seem unattainable at the time, but who says one day I am not going to get what I want? What do I do?
The reason that I named this post the way I did is because I looked at myself today as I got out of bed the 1st time, and saw how completely I look like blubber. My skin and my shape looks like a whale.
So anyways, I was up with the baby and Jadon this morning and all of sudden there was a knock on the door. Low and behold it was my sitter. So I took it as a sign that I should let her have the kids early this morning. Afterall I had been struggling with the fact that I was exhausted and needed more sleep but felt guilty for taking the kids early. So, I went back to sleep around 830 and got back up at 11.
So I decided that I am going to start something new...see if it helps me at all. I am going to post some or all (if I can remember) my feelings or certain things I have really struggled with throughout the day. Maybe if I get some stuff out in writing it will help.
* Of course this morning I suffered guilt and the feeling of looking like a whale.
* I had a sense of depression today, mostly I am thinking from being exhausted and burned out.
* I am still thinking about my grandmother....oh God how I miss her so.
* I felt warm and fuzzy when Jeff told me good bye this morning and rubbed my leg. I felt loved when he brushed my hair away from my face after leaving the insurance office.
* Right now, I am feeling like I am getting sick, and am missing my kids something awful.
* I am struggling with the how I ate today. I can't believe it, no wonder I feel and look like a whale.
* I feel like an idiot in my glasses. No matter what I put on my face I look stupid.
* I need a new hair do. New color and highlights.
Okay, I think that is all.
Crys, I really miss talking to ya. I wish we had more phone time, but it is what it is right now. I have though about you all day and hope that everything works out in the end for you.
On a good note. I found something cool on WebMD. It is a nutrition and fitness tracker. It is under one of the drop down menus on the top of the page, but once you find it and sign up it is amazing. It has whole meals listed on there from some places. It will also tell you based on your current weight and desired weight how many calroies and stuff to eat a day. I should be eating around 1600 whcih if I did that I would be starving. But I HAVE to. I don't have any other choice.
Alright enough humming and hawing from me. It's all about you now.
Love ya,
Jenn
