About the hole that you were wondering if I put myself in. I do think that I was in one and that I am probally in there for a while. I think it is about six feet deep and shaped in a square. Not sure what the hell to do to climb out but there is dirt in my nails from trying.
What do I do when I am telling you that I want to make things right and get my shit together but I have this huge money issue that is holding me in the same hole and that I feel like John is standing at the top laughing and pushing me back down everytime I am almost out. The thing is that he lets me alomst get to the top and think that I have done it I am out and then hahaha comes back to push me back in and spits on me and laughs. That is what this feels like.
I remember when I blogged here and your hubby said just pick up and leave and get out ot this. Do you know how long that was ago? Of course I want to get out. I do so bad and if I had money and a full time job and a car then I would but the truth is that I do not see the damn light at the end of the tunnel. I DONT SEE IT! I need to get another Job and save money like crazy. But with Gab being little and the market being hard to find a job at all it is going to be so hard. AT this point I am thinking about taking a job working at a group home over nights or something. I have to get this kid back in her crib first and then do that until I get enough money saved to move and then to hire Heather to sleep at my house so that I can go and do what I need to do. Then I think about other things like what if I change my career path all together to something that I can be alot more stable in? like go get my RN. It would take me less than 2 years because I already have my BA and I would only need to take the nursing courses. I know this is coming out of npo where and I never told you about this before. but a nurse can easily make 60 grand here without trying and i can still do birth to three stuff as a nurse if I wanted on a part time basis. but I am not sure that I would want to. Blah Blah.
I did not read the blog earlier so I did not talk with you about any of this but I am do sorry that you felt like I was going somewhere. I cant tell you what the hell was going on but I was going somewhere and I was really down and I am really down but I thank god all the time that I have you and that you know me enough to know that I am not blowing you off and that in fact the times when I withdraw are the times that I need you the most.
That being said. I have not remembered what I ate today and I am not sure what the heck tommorrow will look like either because I have Kelly's shower and that type of thing cab be a killer. I am going to try to do my best. I am back to 158 point something on a good day and like we said my friend is around the corner and I can blame that a little. TMI Jeff if you are ever reading this....I always worry a bit about going on and on about girl shit and then having him be like that Crystal has no manners! I do really!
Jenn oh jenn what do I do? These are the times that I wish gab would grow up so that I can be like Love you honey but mommy has to go to work 12 hours a day to make us have a healthy home and that she would get it and be like see you later mommy, rather then pulling at my heart strings. I am starting to worry jenn that I am the one with the attachment disorder. I think I have a hard time letting her go. Jenn I think that it is me becuase even with bird going places I am weird. The other night he slept at my grams and I could barely sleep.
Whatever.
We will talk later.
I love you but the computer is dying again. i think I need a new battery..
Love ya
C
