Journey

Thanks

2011-07-24T14:27:00.002-06:00

Hey you,

Thanks for all the words of encouragement. You're right on so many levels that life does get in the way and to be honest it sucks. It sucks because you are part of my life and yet my life here gets in the way of me connecting with you.

I know how hard it is to take care of your gram, and trust me I would not fault you one iota if you complained for just a second about the difficulty. You are doing a fantastic job with her and no one, not one single solitary soul can fault you for what you are doing. Furthermore, when you finally do have to lay your gram to rest, you will know in the deepest parts of your soul that you did everything you could to make sure her life was the best it could be. I am absolutely positive that she enjoys seeing you and Gab and is appreciative of what you are doing.

Here is something someone sent me in my e-mail and I thought I would share it. I sent it to your aol email address, but I know sometimes you don't get what I send you so I thought I would post it on here:

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!! Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34.. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44.. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

I think that we have a lot we can take away from those words. How simple yet true they are.

I am SUPER EXCITED about True Blood tonight. I know that you are going to a concert with Bird so I don't know if you will even be home to watch it, but it will give us something more to talk about! Just another commonality.

I think what you said about our friendship have the great basis it does that allows us to go for a while without talking is so true. I think we have a great foundation and no one will ever be able to take that from us. I am going to be selfish though and say that I really get...I don't know if the word jealous is right....but I hate not being able to see you or be able to go places with you. Yes, your friends in CT see you seldom but they still have you right there. I am 2000 miles away and take out photos of my trip up there to see you. I keep talking to Jeff about moving and he isn't adverse to it, but we do have to start saving some money so we can eventually make the move up there. It is very expensive to move and although we may have help to move, it always takes more, trust me. But, at least we are on the same page now and have a common goal to work toward. My goal is to be up there in about 5 years. Gosh, the kids will already be 8!

Well, I've caught a summer cold. Actually the baby somehow caught it and was gracious enough to pass it along to Jeff and I. I feel horrible. Stuffed up nose and sinuses....oh well, medicine helps it a little bit.

Jadon is doing well, trying to grow up in a hectic household is proving difficult for him. Jeff and I just keep telling him what the right decisions would be. He is super smart, just like his daddy. He's reading at a 5th grade level already and only going into the 2nd grade! I'm so super proud of him.

It makes me sad to her about Maria's little boy, but hey God prepared her for what she was going to be dealt. That's great. I love the fact that she kind of has oxymoronic degrees! How cool. In reference to me and wanting to do the degree, don't get me wrong I love learning about it and am ALWAYS thinking how I can apply what I learn to everyday life. I even can pick up on some things like out of books, movies, or crime shows. You know me though, I am always second guessing what should be the obvious. I love criminal justice but I also love medicine. It's just so hard to be sure that I am doing the right thing. A friend of mine posted on facebook the other day a quote that said something to the effect of: It is never to late to learn what you want and do what you want to do. I questioned her and said: What if I don't know what I want to do? In which she responded in her very lawyer like way: You re-read the statement. So, I think I just need to go with what I am doing. If it was meant to be another way then it would have happened another way. But it is happening this way for a reason.

I know that one day we will get a break but something tells me we will have to make it happen, it just isn't going to fall into place for us. So, until then, I will look forward to the next 22 months until you come see me! God only knows where we will be in 22 months, but in any regard just to see you will be fantastical! Then, I will continue to work hard and put into place a plan to move up there in about 5 years, so your visit will break the 5 years in half!

Okay girlie, Caleb is laying down, so I am probably going to go try and lay down and rest. I have to start work tomorrow and am not feeling too well. By the way, if you get a chance and haven't done so already, go by Wendy's and get a Mixed Berry Lemonade if they offer it, they are so yummy, cool, and refreshing!

Love you long time.

Jenn

You gotta WANT it.

2011-07-24T07:11:00.002-06:00

Hey Girl.

I am so excited to see that you are doing well in school and that we are talking here for at least a bit. Life is crazy and it gets in the way. It is sad but it does not make me care about you less or hurt my feelings I know that we are both very busy being moms. That will not always be the case. I am thankful that we had more time in the beginning to build the solid foundation of our friendship so it can stand the test of time. Just to let you know I have people that I know here in Ct that I only talk to once in a few months and see even less. maybe at a birthday party or whatever. So the busy ness is not because you are across the world it is with allllll the people in my life. Of course besides the kids and my gram and maybe that is part of the reason why others get so little of time seeing as those few people take it all.

I love my kids and my gram dont get me wrong. But it is really tough. Every weekend I go on sat or sunday depending on what I have to do for the weekend and get my gramma from the nursing home. This entails me going there and putting a wheel chair in my trunk.... helping my gramma into the car which involves some serious skill, bringing her to her house or out to eat first.... getting her out of the car and into the wheelchair...bringing her into where ever we are say it is a restaurant then doing everything for her and the kids in the place till my hands are shaking because I am hungry and the food in being eaten by everyone but me then get her back into the car to her house back out of the car into her apt building that has two non auto matic doors that I have to get through and going inside cleaning up and keeping up with her and the baby the cat and taking my gram to the bathroom which is lets say alot of work and then finally taking her back to the car and the place. Now, it sounds as if I am complaining and I guess to some degree I am. Not because of my gramma at all I love her and love seeing her. I guess think that life is hard for me and I work hard. oh, yeah all this with Gabbie and that is hard because we are parking lots etc and I am alone with a three year old and disabled person but the blessing is the days when bird is there. I cannot expect him to give away his weekend so I dont make him come everytime but sometimes he chooses to. He loves his gramma and he knows that it is important to take care of the people that you love. Well. I guess I just wonder if I work so hard and do so much when will it "what goes around comes around for me?"

Blah!

And never say that I dont like to read your posts! Whatever they say heavy or light I love them because they came from you and are you.

Sorry about the money troubles girlie. I know that you have been fighting so hard to get ahead and you guys work hard to and need to see some rewards as well as I do! I know that the car issues are such a headache but like you said the good news is that you do not work a millon miles away anymore. I am glad that you got a new job! Congrats see your work s paying off! That pay rate is great down here so it must be really good out there! I am glad for you and hopeful that it will make some of these money troubles a thing of the past for you and your family. I pray you guys pull of the school clothes thing! You always do. I am sure you will.

Codey, geez, he is giving you a run for your money huh? Great with the punching a girl. It will get better he has a great mommy...he is just becoming a teenager AHHH

Autumn, boyfriend? boundaries? OMG I am not sure I am ready to hear this stuff. GOd bless you. I have anxiety reading it!!!

Caleb, so cute and you playing with him with Action figures for 45 minutes is way longer the I would last Good mommy not bad mommy! Gabbie is trying to get me to help her wash the dishes now so I am going to go in a moment.

What's going on with Jaden?

Girl... I have met some wonder BCBAS with lots of brains, funny you bring up the bar because the one I love is also a JD lol.... Wierd combo kinda... Laws and laws of behavior? Hmm the irony in Maria's life the BCBA is that she did everything right studied hard got married house job great life waitied until 35 to have a baby to be ready worked like the devil with kiddos with autism... Has a baby....And he is autistic. Now, she really needed her education to the max. I guess this is why god lead her in that direction right? So she could teachher son and stand up for his rights?

Anyway I also met some BIRD BRAINS that are, ummm not up to your standard at all and they PASSED THE EXAM!!!! Stop talking yourself down!!! You can do if you want it and so what ifworse comes to worse you have to try a few times. YOU are scoring 90s in your exams and classes etc. Don't tell me that you dont think you CAN do it. If you are not sure if you WANT to that is one thing but you CAN do it if you WANT it.

Love you.

Keep up all the good work with the kids, work, and your therapist. Someday I think we will get a break. Or let's pretend.

Today is going to have to start for me now as I am still in my pjs and have a millon things to do before I take off to a concert tonight with my bird and my sister. Take care love....

Hey

2011-07-22T10:10:00.002-06:00

Hey lady,

Sorry I'm just now getting on here. One way I kind of have been avoiding it for personal emotional reasons yet the other way, I really miss being on here and seeing your posts.

First and foremost, CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion at work! It was a long time coming and you deserve it! I'm so proud of you!

I know both of your posts had inferences to your weight and I know how frustrating and difficult it can be. For you it is even more difficult because you are on the go all day long. But you're right about one thing, you can buy an insulted lunchbox that has a frozen gel pad you can put in it and you can pack your lunch. It will be better for you in the long run. Will it not only save you money but it will save you 1000's of empty calories a month! You will do it, you've done it before. I know your schedule is crazy, but I have been told to take my planner and pencil in an hour of exercise for me a day and that way it is just like keeping an appointment. I don't know how heavy your case load is right now, but even 30 minutes a day would be better than nothing.

I think it's great that you're doing so much with the kids. They will appreciate it later in life. You're doing an amazing job as a what could be called "single mother." I know John is there and helps sometimes but you are still the main caregiver. The swim thing is amazing. I love being in the water. Unfortunately here we don't have any public pools that you can get season passes to. We have the natatorium at the High School Gym, but there are always so many people there and even if I could get there early, the police officers go work out there at that time, and there is no way I am going to go try and swim when there are a bunch of men around. But you are doing a great job and even holding wiggly Gabbie in the water is still helping you burn some calories.

I really miss talking to you too. You're right it has everything to do with us being so busy, not to mention the time difference. Trust me there are days where I could really use a shoulder to cry on, a pair of ears to vent to, or just a hug from my best friend, but maybe one day that will happen. Grad school is alot, I'm not going to lie. It's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I think it is because my undergrad degree was in Criminal Justice not Psychology so what I am learning now is a foreign language. I know you would love to have me get my degree and move up there, but to be honest, I don't know if I am going to be smart enough to take the national exam to be a BCBA. It is one of the most difficult tests out there, I've been told above and beyond the bar exam for lawyers. I'm not going to lie, I would love to work along side you. I think we would make a great team.

You do need to get your computer fixed before school! Then maybe you can find 10 or 15 minutes to get on here and spout off a few little blurbs when you can. I think this is one of our biggest communication mediums. You will be fine doing your interning and your degree, it's going to be a bear, but you are going to do it. I understand 100% about missing the kids and being so busy. Trust me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, so moving onto some of my updates:

Jeff's car broke down yesterday: I think we threw a rod.
As usual we are struggling to pay the bills
Caleb smashed his thumb in the screen door so it's all black
Codey pushed down a girl at the Boys & Girls club causing a contusion on her temple
I still don't know when I will start at the Carlsbad Police Department.
And to put the whip cream on the ice cream, I just looked at Kayleigh's old blog and it made me feel so sad.
I don't know if we are going to have the money to pay for school supplies and clothes/shoes for the kids.

So, there it is in a nutshell.

I think Jeff's car is going to be at least $1500 to fix and there is no way in hell that we have that type of money. The positives out of this are that a.) I don't have to drive an obscene amount of miles to work b.) Jeff and I can figure out a way to share the truck c.) if and when I can get started at CPD then I will be making $21.49 an hour. Someone was telling me though that we pay 50% of our PERA (retirement) dues whereas when I was with the county I only paid 10%. So, I don't know how much money I will be seeing, but I am hoping that it will be at least $1400-1500 every 2 weeks.

Oh, there's more! My mom is getting married August 7th and Jeff has to leave town right afterward to go to San Antonio, TX for a nuclear conference. If I am working at CPD by that time, I am probably going to be on night shift and have to take the kids to El Paso on the 7th and my mom will be bringing them back on the 10th so they can start school on the 11th. Which is when Jeff will back.

I'm doing alright in school, my quiz grades have been anywhere from a 70 to a 90. I am looking forward to the next set of classes that I am due to start in August sometime. But to be honest, I don't know if this is what I really want to do or not. I have NEVER known what I want to do with my life. I enjoy reading and learning about all of this, but I really don't think that I am going to be smart enough to finish and take the national cert so I can actually do something with my degree.

The kids are doing ok. Codey is Codey. Jadon is trying new things as he moves along the ages and Autumn is doing well. She's pushing the boundaries in regard to her boyfriend and stuff, but I think she's doing the right things. Caleb is a whole other story. He plays as if he were Batman/Superman/Bain/Hulk probably 65% of his day. There is a portion of his day where he constantly wants someone to sit with him and play with his action figures, which I do, but after about 45 minutes, I get tired of it. I know bad mommy. Then there are the times where he demands certain things, or cries at every breath I take. He is super clingy at night, no doubt because I have been working.

I too am struggling with my weight. I am back up to 210 where I had been down to 205. I am currently talking to my therapist about this and my self image. Speaking of which, therapy is helping a little bit, I feel like a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I get to go.

I have been taking Effexor XR 75 mg for about a month now and I don't know if it is helping or not. I am beginning to think that a.) I am bi-polar and need other meds or b.) I am meant to be perpetually sad and disconnected.

Alright girlie, I am done. Sorry for the heaviness of the post, I wish it was lighter in nature. I'm sure you don't want to read the blah of my posts.

I will make the next one lighter.

Love you lots,

Jenn

hey

2011-07-19T10:34:00.000-06:00

hey girlie.

i went to weight watchers last night and I lost a pound and a half back of the weight that I gained when I took the kids on vacation. I am getting super frustrated that it is so slow this time. I have been at this for a while and I know that I am not making all the best choices hence why it is not working all that well. But what I dont get is what my problem is! I know that I am really busy and I am but girl I was doing so much better the last time. I think I just miss you and I know that I need to get more exercise and pack my darn lunch.

Sorry just felt the need to vent.

I hope you are doing well and I hope that one of these days you come on here and are surprised to see a few little blobs. It would be so wonderful if I got to this more often. I know I should and want to. I know part of it is that I still have not fixed my computer which I absolutely need to do before I go back to school!! It is so hard to believe that the summer is half over and that in about a month I will be starting classes again. OMG and the bigger thing is that I will be interning. I pray that I find a way to get through this year of interning working full time because next year is going to be really tough and this year the internship I have is flexible I am not sure that I will get that again. I know that I will have to cut my hours at work next year. SO I want to get the most out of this year that I can. It is sad because I know that I will be so busy and have alot of time missing my kiddos. I know that in the long run it is for the best and I tell myself that everyday when I get up and rush around to leave for work. I feel bad leaving them but what I am going to do I have to work. As we all do. I was thinking about taking the last week of august off to be with the kids but now I am thinking that maybe I need to start looking at the calender and do it a bit sooner.

Summer is flying by. I am sure for you all the more since you kiddos go back to school before mine.

Either way I am about to meet with the BCBA. I wish it was you!!!

Crystal

too long

2011-07-18T12:20:00.002-06:00

What esle is new?

I know it has been too long.

but I am at work and had a down moment so I figured that I would pop in and say hi. I have big news! I got my promotion at work that I have been working on forever! I do not know how much money that means right now but the good news is that it does mean more money. However with the idea that there are so many people that are losing their jobs as we speak I am not counting my money yet.

I am okay still continuing to struggle losing this weight that I put back on. It has been insanely slow this time and I do not work out nearly as often as I should. I have to figure out a way to get more activity into my day and I make every excuse for it. I am down about 14 pounds now back to about 173. I hate that a while ago I was 153 and complaining then. Gees.

I am working like crazy and trying to do as much possible with the kids as I can. I signed up Gabbie for a music together class she loves to sing and dance and this is a great combination of both. I signed up Darren for football of course again and now I signed us up for the pool passes at our town. This means that the whole family can swim for the year and I am hoping that this will get some more movement in for me. It is hard though because I still really have to hold Gabbie and she is such a wiggle worm so I dont really swim all that much. Whatever I am moving anyhow!

I really miss talking to you and I cannot believe that this happened. It is not like I love you any less or do not want to talk to you but we both got so busy. I think a big part of it is that the kids are not so little anymore the babies that is so when we or at least I get on the phone the little bit of time that i am home with all that shit I do the kids drive me crazy. I know alot of it is grad school as well. I am sure that you understand seeing as you are in the middle of doing the same thing. I just assigned a BCBA to a case with a child to work with me everyweek for about 4 hours. She gets over a 100 an hour for that work. I wish you would finish the degree and get down here where there is so much work for someone in your field. WE can work together as a team. I can be the social worker for the family and you can write the behavior plan. It can be so much fun.

I miss you and I hope that you are ok and that all your kids and your husband is well. I promise that I am coming to visit you after school. That is 22 months away. I know that seems like forever but girl it really isn't! You know look at our kids they are already 38 is it months so this is less time then that and that time flew! Love ya.

Crystal

Scared

2011-05-09T22:29:00.002-06:00

Hey Crys,

How's it going lady? Good I hope. I called you on Sunday to wish you a happy mothers day and tell Gabbie happy birthday, I just hope you got the message. Caleb had a really good day today, nothing special but he spent the day with me (although I was busy on the stupid computer) and we did have a small cake for his birthday. We do not have any money for gifts, so we will be getting those later for him. The good thing is that he didn't even expect it. I keep sitting here remembering 3 years ago at this time I hadn't even gotten to meet him yet and when I did I couldn't hold him because he was under the oxygen tent. I remember how his chest and ribs would contract when he would breath. So sad. But, today he is happy and healthy and one heck of a devil from time to time!

Tonight he was sitting at the computer with the boys and I am trying a new reading enhancement program out and he was sitting there and listening to all the letters, looking at the pictures, and was even able to identify a couple of the letters and was always right when he had to match the picture to the word! The other night he completely surprised me because he was playing with Codey's LOOPZ game and was able to follow the patterned rhythm up to about 5 long. I couldn't believe it. I just let him keep playing because I am sure that it is helping him somewhere in the active brain of his.

So, I am super scared about the classes that I am taking this semester. Much of the stuff that is in the book I have no idea what they are talking about and yet I have heard you talk about it like 2nd nature. I know I haven't been immersed in the field, but goodness, I don't know if I can do this.

Okay, there is so much more, but nothing I want to bother you with. I don't see my therapist for 2 weeks, on the 20th, so I have quite a bit of time that I have to try and get through. He said if it gets bad I can always go in if he has an opening. I'm having a hard time understanding how exactly he is going to help me because he doesn't do inpsych therapy. He said he doesn't because the past doesnt really matter if it gets dealt with or not, in other words he doesn't want to rehash it, rather he wants to give me the tools necessary to deal with the emotions and feelings that I have. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. What do you think?

Have a good night, hope school is going well and that everything is good with the kids.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

Really Fast

2011-05-06T21:36:00.002-06:00

Hey,

Really fast I just wanted to let you know that I do not have my cell phone right now because AT&T pissed me off and I cancelled my account. So, I will call you from my home number on Saturday so you have it.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

So sad

2011-05-02T20:11:00.005-06:00

Hey Crys,

Thanks for the kind words. It is still something that Jeff and I cry about. It is horrible. I have never had to make that decision and it was a horrible decision. We had him cremated but we had the crematory spread his ashes up in the beautiful mountains of Ruidoso.

This pic is from the Inn of the Mountain Gods and Casino, but this is pretty much what Ruidoso looks like all over the place. We just thought that maybe spreading his ashes would allow him to run free like he always loved to do. We do miss him so bad. When we walk in the door we always look for him and when we feed the dogs we miss picking up his dish and bringing him in. Jeff and I are already looking for another Dane.

Moving on, I am happy that you have kept your weight under control. You are doing such a great job. So it's going a little bit slower than last time, that's ok, the only thing you need to worry about is getting to the weight you want to be at. I really hope that you have a great summer with the kids. Jeff and I are really looking forward to doing some stuff with the kids. The only difference here is that it gets so God blessed hot! We have to be able to do stuff inside. I am really going to work on going to Albuquerque to the Aquarium. I think that would be freaking awesome. You walk under a tunnel while all the sea life swim around you.

So, I have 6 days left in my current semester and am not done with my final paper. I must buckle down and just do it. It's not going to complete itself. I am just having a hard time finding the motivation to finish it. It has to be no less than 3500 words, and I already have 2554, but somehow I just don't know if I can finish it. I know to you that is a walk in the park.

Well lady, I hope that we get to talk soon. I have another counseling appointment on Thursday, so I will update you on what happens, that is if you want to know.

Love you lots,

Jenn

good bye old fellow

2011-04-30T22:15:00.002-06:00

Jenn,

So sorry about your gentle gaint. I love you and I hope that you guys are all hanging in there. :)

hey girl

2011-04-29T18:11:00.002-06:00

hey girl whats up. I tried to send you two videos today when I was taking a walk by the beach. I dont think they went through because of the size. That sucks! I hope you are doing well. The other night, last night my agram was crying and begging me to go visit her. So sorry that I didnt call you back. My head was kinda spinning. My gramma therapist said that she can go home and that the family has to make arrangements. The problem is that my family is not making those arrangments and so now my gram is like I am just leaving and I dont give a fuck what any of you say.I am going home. But home is to an apartment alone. And she cannot even get onto a toilet alone. So that has me stressed out and I was trying to reason with her to hang in there for a little more at the place but there really is no convincing her. So I am not really sure what that means. Honestly. It is so sad and stressful. I wish one of my shitty family members would take her in for a few weeks while she hopefully gets even stronger. I dont know.

Other than that I am ok. I have alot of stuff coming to the end for school and that is stressful but it is ok. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I am so close to done so it is what it is. My last offical class is May 18th which is right around the corner and then I have the whole summer off! I will miss the people at school believe me but I am really ready to have some time to just work and play with the kids. It will be good to not have so much on my plate for a while. Maybe I will actually have more time to chat with you (I know you will be busy with all your work), type on here, go to the gym, and to maybe take a zumba class!

By the way I stayed about the same this week at weight watchers. I was just 4 onces up and given easter was the day before I got weighted that is not all that bad! I wish it would go a little faster for me this time but whatever right?

Anyway I have to go wash gabs hair and get her into bed. I am looking forward to laying down. We were just running around outside for a hour or so and I am ready to sleep more than her! She is in far better shape then I am. lol.

Nervous, Nervous

2011-04-20T21:50:00.002-06:00

Hey lady,

I have my appointment tomorrow and I am uber nervous. I was telling Jeff tonight that I have felt "normal" for at least 2 days now and on days when I feel like this I can't help but think I will be doing nothing but wasting money. But, I know I need it for the days when I am doing really bad, and who knows, tomorrow may be one of those days. Jeff made a comment about something for mothers day and I responded by saying: "All I want to do is be normal and happy." And then I cried.

Besides, I hear you on the phone and you are a different Crystal. You're more assertive and more confident in yourself. It's taking some getting used to! But SO in a good way! I really like the way you sound and you make me want to sound the same way. I feel happy for you because I feel like you finally found freedom to be the Crystal you always wanted to be! Great for you! One day, I will be the same way. I feel so bad because when we used to talk I feel like I used you as a bouncing board and a councelor. You always know what to say and to make me feel better, yet I'm wasn't paying you! So, my apologies.

Well lady, I am beat. I did my school work for tonight and I am just not feeling too hot. Not sure if its my allergies or a cold, but I have a sore throat and just feel kind of blah.

You know, I have noticed in the last couple weeks that I don't spend enough time with Caleb at all. I mean I'm home with him all the time, but I don't really spend time with him. I need to get him to the library and read or I don't know something else. My major malfunction is going to be the heat that has started to consume us! It is getting miserable and I am so sensitive to it that the playground is just so unenjoyable. I have to make time for him here at the house too. We have coloring books and puzzles, but I've noticed that he really doesn't play with those very long. 5-10 minutes max and then he is done. Any ideas? Let me know oh great one!

Love ya
Jenn

Crazy Day

2011-04-18T17:58:00.002-06:00

I have had one of those days where I am ready to scream, pull my hair out, and go get drunk! Caleb has been fresh all day. He won't stay dressed! Since he figured out how to take off his shirts, he refuses to keep any clothes on but his underwear. It drives my completely crazy. He has cried more than normal today, and is being completely defiant. Oh well, the day is almost over! I know it is bad to think of it that way, but I must think of it that way right now. I hope that you had a great day at work and that school is going well. I will talk to you later. Love ya, Jenn

Thanks

2011-04-15T21:18:00.003-06:00

Hey you, thanks for telling me that you have the same problems with Gabbie. You know me, I have a bent sense of reality and believe that I am the only one who has this problem, so obviously I am doing something wrong. I keep working on it. Really fast, if you wanted to buy the products I can get you in touch with, you would need to go to www.bringingwellnesshome.com/jlcwellness and fill out the contact form. I would call you with my mentor and we would do just a short "interview" and then we would get you in for a free presentation. After that we would get you enrolled and you could place your first order by the next day I think. I really appreciate you being so willing to help me out. I love you so much! Alright sweety, I am going to get off of here. I am going to try and work on my paper that is due by Sunday. I don't have any of the resources because I had already started gathering them for my other topic, so I have a lot of work ahead of me. Oh, I am going back to dispatching part-time and part-time only because I need an outlet. I am not a person to stay locked up in a house all the time. I love being home with Caleb and that is why I am only going back part-time. Besides I have to keep my certification active. So, I will probably be working every other weekend right now. After Cara goes back to work from her paternal leave, then I might be able to get about 2 days a week in. It's something right. I am hoping and praying that I can put the money I make into a savings "vacation" account, so we can start taking vacations once a year. But, we shall see. We aren't doing too bad right now. I just saved us $100 a month on cellphones and $30 a month on car insurance. So, it's something. There really isn't anything else I can cut. We could cut out our life insurance, but Jeff has me covered at $50,000 and each of the kids at $10,000. We can't get him covered because of his diabetes, but that's ok. So, it looks like right now I am stuck just paying what we've got. Okay chickie, I love ya. Hope all is going well. Jenn

same fights!

2011-04-15T18:05:00.002-06:00

Girl, good for you with your business adventure. I am very proud of you for starting something sp positive and I hope it catches on like wild fire. Can I order things off some site in your name? I will if you tell me how. Anything helps when you are starting out! And I love the idea. Thanks for the info on the wipes. I dont have them in the house and now I wont. I cannot wait for school to be over for me. I know you will still be busy but hopefully things will be a bit earlier. Really, the best thing I ever did was put myself into therapy. BEST THING. If you want to do it...do it. But stick to it. I have been in since November... and I am feeling stronger and stronger every day. I did alot of circle talking sure but it helped me. I really know that this is what is helping me make this change. That and some really great professors and classmates that have helped me realize that I am not STUCK in a cage the way I thought I was. They of course, have no idea that I felt that way in the first place. They just helped me by seeing me. Day in and day out week after week as the person I thought I was and John said I wasn't. I used to think everyone who said anything good about me... you or anyone esle was wrong and John was right. I was shitty. But girl, I know that this is so false. You were right along. And I am not stuck. Am I where I want to be right at this moment, no. Will I be here forever? NO.....!!! This is the thought I hold onto. Gab just got out of the tubbie. I gotta get her before she falls on her face. She had a tough day. And girl Caleb sounds like a boy Gabbie. So, I know your pain. DOnt think I dont care because I am not telling you try this or try that. rather I am fighting the same battles!!!!!

Hey Woman!

2011-04-14T21:25:00.003-06:00

I'm glad that you are able to work things out in the room with your therapist. That is great! The more you talk about it the more I think I should get back in there. The reason I don't is because I just feel like I am talking in circles most of the time and not getting anything accomplished, albeit the longest I have gone is maybe a month or two, so I really can't say that I have ever given it a chance!

Well moving onto my business. Essentially I am a consumer direct marketer which means, I promote my business online to others in two fashions: one from a business opportunity perspective and second from a product prospective. I love my products. They are all eco-friendly, no carcinogens, no toxins or harmful chemicals, just pure and natural...well nature! They don't smell as good as the store brand stuff does, BUT they work BETTER and they are natural! Our corporate partner has a line of all natural beauty products, hair care items, stuff for the kids, toothpaste, cleaners, air freshners, candles, I mean they have everything that you use in your house today in a natural element. They have the absolute best vitamins there are! Girl, I could go on and on. I know you don't go on facebook, so I will post some links here for you to check out! The information is phenomenal! http://www.preventcancer.com/consumers/household/carcinogens_home.htm That is the only one that I found tonight, but I always look for more information! OH! Clorox wipes, HORRIBLE for you to use! We have an equivalent wipe that is just as durable and cleans better just natural. Prices are comparable too because the products I buy are at WHOLESALE prices! SO, this is what I do day in and day out hours a day, post ads and links and stuff like that so I can try and promote my business! I also had business cards made, made flyers, and am going to start posting those around the city and see if I can't get any hits! If you know anyone who is looking to work from home or are looking for eco-friendly cleaning products spread the word and have them get in contact with me through my website: http://www.jlcwellness.com/

So, moving on. Sorry to hear about Gabbie. You know I NEVER had to do anything for Caleb at night, the second he had potty training down he automatically trained at night too. I think he has had 2 accidents but I think both times he had a fever. But yes, with the other kids I just got a waterproof mattress cover and put it on until they were completely trained. But if she is waking up dry in the mornings then I don't think that you will have to worry to much about it.

Okay onto school. Girl it is so hard for me sometimes. I never thought that I would have such a hard time doing a masters! As you know I am going through Saint Josephs University out of Pennsylvania and it is a Jesuit school. I had gone to another school similar to this and it was just as hard, I just think that the cirriculum at a religious school is more difficult, but I could be wrong. Right now I am taking an Ethics in Criminal Justice class and we started out with philosphers such as Kant, J.S. Mill, and others. We are speaking on such difficult topics as censorship and pornography as well as police brutality. It really is just a bit more difficult. My first research paper is due in 2 1/2 weeks, 3500 words. That's not so hard. My initial topic was going to be Police Discretion: Are ethics always considred. She called me today to talk about it and said that it was way too broad, which I knew, BUT we narrowed it down to Police Discretion in instances of Intimate Relationships. Now, here is the kicker, I mentioned how I had to move to my bedroom because the kids were home and I would need quiet. At the end of our conversation she said: "Now, having 4 children of my own, I know that if I don't put a time limit on this it will never get done, so I need your rough draft by Sunday." WHAT?! I need to do more research and stuff. Well now you can tell what I am going to be these next 3 days or so! But, she was really, really helpful and she talked me through some things, but she did it by making me think and talk it out. She was really amazing and I am so grateful that I have someone to help me!

Next semester which for me starts May 9th, I am scheduled for 2 classes: Basic Principles of Behavioral Analysis Criminological Theory So, these should be quite challenging and yet rewarding. I am sure they ar going to require a lot of hard work! But, I will make it through. Right now I am carrying a 92 in this class, so not too bad for my first graduate class.

Man, let me tell you Caleb is a demon! I read an article on line from Circle of Moms website and they said that to stop children from arguing and screaming that the parents have to change themselves first. So, today I decided that I wasn't going to raise my voice at him, I was going to let him throw a fit and when he was done, we would sit down and talk about it. Well, he had a hard start to the morning because my mom and I had to go to Wal-Mart to pick up some stuff and he wanted to push the basket. Fine, it's early there really isn't a lot of people there, I'll let him do it. Well he was walking so slow, and I could tell my mom was getting impatient, so I picked him up and put him in the basket. OH MY GOODNESS CRYS YOU WOULD THINK I WAS KILLING HIM!!! He screamed at the top of lungs, he cried, kicked, hit and tried getting out of the basket! I ignored it, thinking nope I am not going to give in and let him out of the basket, I am going to make him stay in there because I am the mother and he is the child. I listened to that no lie for 20 minutes! He finally started to settle down and I let him out. He does this all the time!

I have gotten really good about not giving him too many choices. Like for breakfast I don't ask him what he wants anymore I just make something. I don't always ask him what he wants to drink I just give him something. And for the most part he is ok with it. There are just some times that he can't deal with it and he loses his mind! I have to admit though I only raised my voice 2 times today. So, it is a vast improvement! You know the sad thing is that I love him so much and I hate to see him cry and be so sad all the time, but Crys he is out of control. He cries if he doesn't get a banana when he asks for it, he cries if we won't sit down and play Batman on the Xbox, he cries if we tell him no. I just don't know what to do anymore. My neice tells me I have to be stronger than he is and just hold fast to what I say, and trust me I do a really good job. But it is by far the most stressful thing I have ever had to do!

Okay chickie, I am exhausted like always. I am going to get off of here and go get ready for bed. I KNOW that Gabbie is going to be just fine in her potty training. You will see how easy it is. I am so happy that you finally have some freedom from your relationship with John. You can now work on Crystal and be the person you have always wanted to be!

Love you and miss you tons. Hope to speak to you on the phone one day again. LOL!

Jenn

more info please!!!

2011-04-14T18:03:00.002-06:00

SO why dont yah tell me what you are selling and point me in the direction for me to bye some and help you out! LOL! I want to know more about it. And there really is no reason why I havent talked to you about the John thing besides for the fact that I am in therapy and working it out in that room! And I really am not letting those issues bother me any more. I feel a sense of comfidence and relief that it is over. There for I am not worried about it. I just go on with my days que sera sera... lol. I dont know if that is how you spell it but you know what I mean. I dont know about this freshy gab she is so stubborn. She went about ten times but now refused the last three days. I really cannot wait until next week because I am going to take a few days off and work on this hard!!! I am not wasting anymore money on diapers! So she has about 100 left and then there are no more. But maybe a stash of pull ups for night time. Is that what you do or do you just use a cover for Caleb's bed? I guess I should get one of those soon! Seeing as we are finally moving ahead, slowly and stubbornly but still none the less. Lol. CC

touching base.

2011-04-14T17:56:00.002-06:00

Hey got your text today. I am doing fine today. Working on sticking to this diet! And it was nice out so I was so happy to get outside today. Yipee. Me and gab just got to take a walk around but it is something. I think it must of been about 70 which to me feels like tee shirt time! I hope you are doing well and I miss you and love you and I still waiting to hear all the details about what you have been up to with work and school.

WOOT

2011-04-12T22:15:00.003-06:00

Hey lady,

SOOOOO glad to hear about Gabbie. That is so great! She's doing it! That is all that matters, by her birthday she will be completely potty trained!

I'm glad that you are doing so well in school, I knew you would.

I am so sorry to hear about John and you. That makes me sad. It bothers me even more that you won't talk to me about it. I don't want you going through that alone. I know how hard it is let alone doing it all by yourself.

I can't believe that girl from work wouldn't stick with it. If she has asthma that is all the more reason to do it! Less weight equals less work for your heart and lungs. Whatever. If I was there with you I would so do it with you.

Girl, I hear you about class. Mine is kicking my booty! I flew through my bachelors like it was nothing, but this class is some of the hardest work ever! I just think because it is a lot of critical thinking not to mention it is a class on ethics and morals and values, which is never easy! We started week 1 off reading philosophical things out of Stanford! But, I made it and I think my grade right now is a 92. I have a paper that is due now in less than 3 weeks, minimum of 3500 words. So, about 7 pages, but it has to be substantial content. We shall see I am going to be working on it tomorrow for sure!

I have 2 classes that are starting on May 9th, one I know for sure is The principles of Behavioral Analysis, that should be a lot of fun, I'm looking forward to it.

Girl, my at home business is taking so much out of me to get going. But, I keep working at it. There is money to be made, but again over time. I love it though, and I love the products.

Caleb is still being his devlish self, but he is so smart. I am trying to make him understand things so if he asks me a question and the answe is no, and he asks again, I simply say to him "What did mommy say?" he will answer no and then I ask him why I said no. (I always give him an explanation.) Right, wrong or indifferent, right now I think he needs to know why. He is super smart too, do you know he can already finish my sentences for me? LOL! I can say something like "Where is your....." and he will say "cup, blanket, toy" or whatever the object of the conversation was! It's amazing!

Well chickie, I know that there is more I am supposed to say and more I want to say but it is 1030 here and I am just exhausted. I can't even think straight. So, I am going to get off here and go to bed.

Love you and miss you bunches.

2011-04-12T16:42:00.002-06:00

Hey lady. So we had our big presentation today at school and now I am basically done with one class. I still have the online work to do but it is not all that bad and we do have one more class meeting time but even that is no biggie because it is the other two groups presenting. I, just have to sit back and relax. I am happy because that is one more thing off my plate. Seeing as there are so many! Then tommorrow night I have to be up very late working on my paper that is due tommorrow for another class. It isn't all that long but it is a lot of work so that will be a lattttte night seeing as I do not even get home from class until 11. I should do it tonight but for some reason I dont want to. I think because I had so much to do today. I am doing good diet wise this week. Let's hope it pays off. Of course it is only tuesday but I feel refreshed and I am doing it so that is what counts. Gabbie wants me to play in her tent gotta run. love ya.

up up up. I gained.

2011-04-11T19:05:00.002-06:00

hey. So this week at weight watchers I gained back .6 so basically I have lost less than a pound. That drives me nuts but I fell off track and I knew that it was happening. See I had a girl that I knew from work join with me last week and I had already been a week in and I was doing okay. But the girl that I brought was so not into it and quit the very next day before she even gave it a shot saying it was to hard and too annoying etc and that she went to the dr and the dr said that she has asthma so now she cant be bothered with doing weight watchers. Makes no sense right? Arg. Anyway so I am in it alone. And I dont go on and on about it but John and I are at the worse that we have ever been no lie but I really am at the point where I do not care and I am just waiting to be able to move out or for him to move out. It is deff. over. There is nothing left at all but maybe every once in a while a little glimmer of something but it is a second a fleeting second and then it is gone. We have barely spoken for two months and when we do it is about the kids and that is it. He tries to get me to give in but I am not. I am not trying anymore. I gave my ring back about a month ago and have no asked for it back once. Surprise! Well, I didnt say anything because I hate looking like a jack ass when I cry to you etc and then just go back. but this time is different there are no more tears. Those days are long gone and so it is not something that I want to waste to much time telling you about you know. But I go on this blog and look at some of the things that I said to you about him and I so long ago and it makes me nuts to think that I waited this long to get to this point. Where I dont give a fuck but I am here no. And honestly in lots of ways life is easier. I dont worry about the lies etc. I just cut him right off when he starts explaining something and say point blank I believe nothing you tell me so I would rather not hear your bullshit. Or I dont answer the phone in the first place. WEll, with all this going on life is tough in some other ways. It is tough because I am trying to balance everything and not ask him for anything. I mean I take time for myself now but alot of that revolves around school. And you know as much as we like school it is not a break not really it is tough. I would say that a few of my classes are break like but I do not feel like all the work is fun. No. A few pieces are. Like this blog we have to go on and talk back and forth with the class etc. that I like. I have a professor I have some type of weird crush. Wierd because he is an old guy. I like old guys lol. But he is just so smart and fun to listen to and complex and wow. And single to Ha! But no I am telling you I am ready to be single. For a long time, I dont even want to date. Not a single drive for a man. I want to work on mememememe. And then maybe some day. That does not mean that I am dead and dont think it might be nice to have someone to cuddle with or whatever I just havent even gotten that far in my head. You know I am so focused on getting out of the rut that I am in it is hard to think about what it might be like to move on. What esle? I think that is about it for now. Gab went potty like 10 times in the last few days so I am happy with that. She is still not offically trained and will have accidents if I leave her in undies. SO I am going to take some time off next week and see if I can help get her over this edge. But it is coming there is a light at the end of the tunnel finally and that is really all that I can ask for. All the sudden darren likes to watch wrestling. I think it is so funny. Omg Gab just cam out from under her blankets and she is naked. I forgot to dress her after her bath. I am so air headed. Love you miss you....

:) Baby showers are bad for dietsssss!

2011-04-10T15:40:00.001-06:00

I am pretty sure that I gained back the pound that I lost at my cousins dumb baby shower today. Let's hope not but i dont know. Anyway. I am tired!! Long day and now back to work tommorrow and I am really not looking forward to it!!!! I hope that your day went well. I got your text about little man sleeping in his own bed last night good job!!! I forget is he in with the boys now and days or still in your room? Great work. Gab is still with me by the middle of the night but I am not fighting it anymore. The way I figure it is someday it wont be like that so why stress over it today. It really isnt getting me and gab anywhere anyhow. Bird is at a hockey game with John and it is just me and this little girl. so I am going to go play. Love you miss you.

part tooooo

2011-04-09T06:47:00.002-06:00

There is the first part of this post below. Thank god that blogger saves the things that we type along the way because I just wrote that whole post and thought it was long gone. Grr then I waited about a half hour or so and was able to find it in the drafts sections. Thank god!!! That would have stunk and I think I have lost posts before and not been able to find them Anyhow, I am so overwhelmed but not really because I know I can and will get it done but never the less I am spent with all the stuff that I have to get done for school this semester. Really it is something. I have like three papers for one class and a project, a project, a video of me doing a session and a ten pages paper about it and then a revision of that paper and then I have another paper for another class and another project. Geeze... Bottom line is that I am in the final countdown and the classes end in just about a month and then I will have the whole summer off and I cannot wait!!!! I am telling you! I cannot. I will miss school and my classmates etc. but I am so ready to have the break that it isnt even funny. I think I know where I am going to be interning next year, I say I think because I went for an interview and it went really well but the Dr that I met with told me to sit on it and think it over and call him in a week. So I have to honor that to some degree! I am going to call him Monday which I met with him wed. so that is not quite a week but it implys I took time to think it over. anyhow, I would be working with Court appt. Attorneys for children invovled in removal/custody/reunification cases. etc. Basically I am working for the Lawyers that are Gaurdian at lemem I cannot spell that word lol I think you know what I mean. So when they get a case, and they need an assessment of the child and the home done guess who gets to do it and then report on it to the lawyer and the court. Me! I am so excited and I cannot wait to dive into this. I will learn a TON about the courts, lawyers, DCF, our wonderful justice system etc etc. I am really looking forward to the work. Let's hope that I get it!Funny part is that I used to dream of being a lawyer.... lol Now I get to be so close to that but better! AND I can advocate!!!! Rather than keep my mouth shut! Like I have to and sometimes don't at work. So on to the questions that I had for you. What is this business you started? What are you doing? Is it online or something esle? Are you guys able to survive with you at home this way? Good for you! And I am sure that you will fix the mistake you made and move on from it soon. I dont know how you live with that stress girl you are tough. We all have our issues that make us stronger I guess right? I am still going to see my therapist. Let me tell you it is so helpful. So helpful. I feel myself growing and changing. I reallly recommend it to you, and for that matter to anyone, who feels they need or would like it. I am a big supporter of the field as you can see. I want to be part of it! Tell Me about your schoool!!!! K lov you. CC

2011-04-09T06:00:00.001-06:00

Hey,

If I had more money I would come. I sware. I think Gab is old enough to understand the idea of an airplane and Darren would love it of course and so I would come. I will start playing the lottery and when some day I win I will book a trip. I sware.

I am so sorry to hear about all the things that are stressing you right now. You gave me some great advice in that some things will just have to wait. I guess in some ways that is what we all have to do. Believe me I make things wait. Gone are the days of me running around trying to keep up with everything in the house. Let John do it. If he wants things perfect and done the second he wants the then do it himself. I am not a puppet anymore, I work hard, I do so much more with the kids, and I have my schooling. So, let him do more cleaning then I do. Oh. The fuck. Well. And that is where we are at.

Thanks for the praise for my gab gab adventure. It is going to be a long road! She is doing it though! All during the work week I had her pee on the potty in the morning and at night. But today we are going to try undies again and see how that goes. Now that she and I have some time together that is. The only problem is that she is soooooo goood at holding it that right now she needs a little help to jump start things like sitting in an inch of water in the tub and then she tells me she has to go and I put her on the potty and she goes. It works right? and everytime is getting shorter. We are now at about five minutes in order to get her to go. Thats not too bad the second night after the flook pee pee lol it was like twenty so yeah it is a start.

Anyhow, sorry to hear that Caleb is giving you a hard time. The good news is that it is totally typical and signs that he is really growing in leaps and bounds cognitively! He is very bright and with that brightness comes a strong opinion. And with that comes challenges for us, the parents.

John just walked in with Gabs dounut.... I read all your info and I have lots more to talk to you about. Sorry about the money trouble. COngrats about the business??? and schooling ??? When you get a chance tell me more about those... I have no idea what is going on with your at home business adventure.

I love you and miss you and hopw to see you whenever one of us gets some money. that being said. I am almost done with my whole first year of school and have so much more to tell you.

And I am trying with the diet. I stopped tracking for a few days. I dont know why I kinda do. My friend a girl from work was going to do the rogram and she went to one meeting with me and droped out. I need you. Your the only real support I have.!

]

LLoove u.

Hey

2011-04-06T12:11:00.003-06:00

Hey lady, I haven't been ignoring your posts, I have been reading them, but just like you I am so inundated with everything that I just haven't found time to respond yet. But here I am. First, way to go Gab. I'm telling you Crys it is all down hill from here. She is going to do it on her own. This is the exact same way Caleb did it! So, you can start counting down to no more diapers! WOO HOO! Second, I am so glad to hear that you are being successful on your diet. That is amazing. Just keep it up girlie and you will lose 25 lbs. You watch. I know it is hard to fit everything into your schedule, but you have to try and fit a little bit of activity into your schedule. Things will get better over the summer! I know how hard it is to do everything by yourself and I really wish that John would pick some slack up from you. It is not fair the burden and load you carry on your shoulders. Trust me I was doing the same thing up until a couple of nights ago when I had finally had it with Jeff and told him he needed to man up and be the father and husband that we needed him to be. It wasn't a fight, but I just laid out the truth and he sat there and listened! He didn't yell back or anything and actually thanked me the next morning for telling him so. Ever since then he has been an immense help around the house. Even still though, I am home with the baby all day long and all he does is make a mess. He is in a new stage I guess where he has to be into everything making messes and so on, but I will get into that a little bit later in the post. You need to start looking at things and try to prioritize if you can. I know that everything is important but is it really going to be that bad if dishes are done right away (other than John losing his mind which causes undue stress on you)? Is it so bad if Gab doesn't get a bath one night? Nope, it's not. You need to be sure that you are taking time for you Crys. So, moving on. I really am at a loss with Caleb. He is in this new stage and I don't know how to handle it for the life of me. Nothing seems to help. He is so defiant. I tell him to pick up something, like a colored pencil, and he tells me know and promptly follows by telling me that he is going to throw it. You would think it is just a threat but nope, he actually does throw it. I'd gotten to the point where I was spanking him for it thinking it would make him realize, but all it did was make him more defiant. So, starting today I went back to doing it the way I was and he doesn't seem to be so bad. He is constantly telling me what to do. For instance, he wanted yogurt this morning, so I gave him 2 GoGurts. About 20 minutes later he came back asking for another one and I told him no that it would make him sick and to go put it back in the fridge. He told me: "Will you just open it mama? Open it, I want yogurt." I told him no anyways. He got mad, but I didn't give into him. He is really confusing and demanding at the same time. Let me pick your brain for a minute because Jeff and I are lost as to handle/explain this to him. He loves chocolate milk, I mean loves it. He can drink it 2-3 times or more a day if I'd let him. Well he tells he wants chocolate milk with no milk. We've told him a hundred times that the milk is the base of the chocolate milk. He doesn't get it. This morning he told me again that he wanted chocolate milk but no milk and to put the milk back. He's uber smart though. He knows his left from his right (foot that is.) And he is starting to get his clothes on and off by himself including his shoes. The other day I was busy and he wanted shoes on and I told him to go get them and he put them on the right feet! I'm sure it was by pure accident, but I applauded him anyways. He of course knows all of his colors. He has such a personality on him. I am going to have to record him at times and send it to you somehow because sometimes he is just too funny. He is really loving too. When he sees Jeff having a hard time, like crying because of his dad, Caleb will ask him "What's wrong daddy, why are you crying?" He will ask me what's wrong if I am upset about something and am more agitated than usual. He picks up on that type of stuff. But on the other hand is uber stubborn too. He will not do anything hardly that he is told. I am willing to take responsibility for that though because instead of fighting with him to do it, I just do it for him. OH! And he is a freaking broken record at times! He can say he wants something like ice cream 1000 times if you tell him no. Somedays he will stop after about 5-6 minutes and then other days he will scream about wanting ice cream for 20 mintes. No lie. Talk about having to have nerves of steal in order to get through those minutes. It is all because he is so darn spoiled and now that I am trying to break him of that he just has such an issue with it. Some days I would be willing to diagnose him with Oppositional Defiance Disorder! Let me tell you he is something else. Like right now, he is in the kitchen playing with the dishwasher rather than laying down like I have told him to 15 times. He just will not do it. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like such a failure as a parent. I can't handle all the differences in the kids. One would never think that all my kids could be so different and all need to be raised and disciplined in different ways. It is way too much. Talking about too much I don't know how to handle everything in my life any more. We are financially in a mess because about a month ago I made a $1000 mistake in the checkbook and we haven't recovered from it yet. We are constantly in over draft by hundreds of dollars; like 6-700 dollars every 2 weeks. I am so tired of being home alone and having no adult interaction, and just being stuck in the house all the time. I only have very rare opportunitites right now to get out of the house because it is either too hot or too windy. Add into that the fact that my school is very difficult. I take a couple of hours sometimes to finish just one assignment. It is all philosophically based right now and hard to read. I'm doing ok in the class it's just hard. Then you add in the fact of the house and the laundry. The fact that my children come home from school and throw their backpacks everywhere, their shoes and socks. I tell them everyday to put the stuff in the room right away but it hasn't sunk in now for them to do it on their own. They do the same thing with food. They drop it and won't pick it up. So, I am left with the mess. Now, finally add into it the fact that I have to work my home business at least 8 hours a day to try and get anywhere and I have very little time to clean. So, right now my house looks like a tornado went through it. Something always suffers, always. Crys, I know that I am whining and complaining but I am so exhausted all the time. Going back to a conventional job is not even an option because of the cost of daycare and gas. I know you guys are probably higher in gas than us, but we cannot afford $3.65 to $3.85 a gallon in the truck. It takes $70+ dollars to fill it up each time. I miss you so much. I wish that I was closer to you. FYI, I broke my phone. I got the new one today but now I can't find the old one to get the SIM card out of it so I can put it in to get my new phone working. So, if you are trying to text me and stuff I am not getting them right now. Well, I guess I have complained enough. I am fighting a massive migraine right now and need to get back to school work. I wish you could come see me this summer. I think we could have some great times going to El Paso, the Carlsbad National Caverns and White Sands and stuff like that. But, I know you can't, so I will continue to dream. Take care and look forward to reading your post soon. Love you.

PEEEEEEEE PEEEEEE ON THE POTTTTTTY!!!

2011-04-05T17:24:00.001-06:00

Forget it!!!! Gab when pee pee on the potty!!!!!!!!

hey

2011-04-05T16:52:00.002-06:00

Hey I was at school for the longest time today and I was driving home I felt really bummed. I have been so busy and I feel like I have not had enough time with the kids lately and it makes me sad. The one thing I keep saying to myself is that I have the whole summer off and god do I need it! So as you know I lost only 1.4 but it is something and I am paying for the best. I would love to lose a little more this week. I am doing a good job with the diet and trying to get some activity in but it is really tough. I just do not seem to have time to fit it all in. Trying to see the kids, do my classes and all the work that comes along with them, work, clean, keep up with seeing my gramma and all that I barely have time to breath!!! But oh it will be so nice to get them summer off and the more I think about it the more I know I can finish this all. In just a few weeks, less than four I will have 24 out of 60 credits done towards my masters. Crazy huh? I cant believe I am almost done with a year! I a telling you it is like yesterday that I got in and the thing is this time flew by because I have had no time to stop. This is why I am really hoping that the summer goes really slow and I am deff. taking some well needed time off!!!! I am also debating on whether or not I should cut down to working part time come the fall. I am thinking that I might need to but then I talked to the girl that is working at the internship that I am probally going to get (I have an interveiw tomm) and she is still working fulltime at the same time but I dont know. Alot if not all of what she does is on the road as well. She does not really have a place persay that she works out of although it is based in the legal aide office in New haven. I dont know. I will know more about it tommorrow and then we will talk it over you and I. My gab, is a great child and so smart but she will not go potty. Why? I dont know! She screams at the potty SCREAMS! I backed off for like two months and she is still so scared to go. I dont know what it is. She is so ahead with so many things and so behind in this. I keep waiting for it to get nice out and then I am going to take a week off from work and put her in underwear and hang out outside like all day with potty trips like ten thousand times a day and hope for the best. DO you have any tips how to make it fun and less scarey? I know she can hold it! She has been doing that since she was about 18 months old she would wake up totally dry! But I cannot get her to let her pee out with out a diaper on... She is so afraid. I dont know I am failing her!!!! My bird is doing good. He is getting to be a teenager. AT ten. TOO fast. Little freshy. He is like staying up late and sneaking the tv on and forgetting to do his homework and being hard to wake up in the morning. All those great teen ager like things and it is driving me nutso! I love him but arg... Love you miss you and thank you for your text this am. I really need you by myside with this! And everything esle too.

still trying

2011-04-03T17:44:00.002-06:00

Really hoping that tommorrow when I weigh in that I lost something! Grr. I am so glad that you are doing good again with your diet can you let me in on your secert? And you know what is pretty sad.... I was playing with Gab today and she was running and making me chase her for about 20 mins and it was killing me! She has so much energy and is in mush better shape than me. Much better. Little freshy. I really have to get finished with this semester and then I want to start taking the kiddos to the pool. But first I need to lose some weight because I am not going to go to the pool this fat! Grr. Anyway I wanted to check in and let you know that I am still trying here.... Still trying.

Day 6...

2011-04-02T19:02:00.001-06:00

So, I have been following the weight watcher plan for a few days now. I feel more in control for sure. I think that I am doing ok. I would like to eat a little less but it is what it is. We will see what happens. I would like to be able to have a big loss this first week like I have in the past and I dont see that happening. I got your message today about the heat. I am so jealous. I wish that I could feel that heat for a few hours at least and just hang out in the sun. That would be great! I really need a vacation. Some place warm with Sandy beaches would be really nice! I think I got to figure out a way to start taking vacations! I think it sucks that I cannot do that right now. But I have time right? Still sucks! I should take a vacation to NM. And see you guys! Anyhow, I wanted to let you know that I am doing ok with this whole thing. I am hoping to start getting to the gym. I went once this week. It was something. Love you and miss you! CC

trying again...

2011-03-28T19:50:00.001-06:00

hey girlie.... I am coming here to tell you that I started weight watchers again today. I am praying that it works because you would not believe how much weight I have gained. I pray that it comes off half as fast as it went on. I am/was out of control and this needs to change! I weigh....188.2..... I am so sad. But this is day one of the last time I do this....let's hope. Love ya. I know you are doing good. Keep it up. I hope we can help each other more now.

2011-03-22T17:46:00.001-06:00

Okay.... I tried to make you a video and get it on here. I cannot figure out how to get it but I think that you canfind it on youtube by searching with my email crissie198334@aol.com. Try it! I hope it works!

thank you.

2011-03-21T16:39:00.001-06:00

Thank you so much Jenn. I really miss you too. I wish we could go back there again. Asap. That was one of the best days of my life.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2011-03-13T16:39:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to say Happy Birthday. Love and Miss you like crazy.

UGH!

2011-02-16T19:17:00.002-07:00

Hey lady,

I know you haven't had a chance to respond to the other post yet, but I just really need to vent.

I think I made a big mistake deciding to stay home with the kids. I mean, it is nothing but chaos and comotion the entire time. It is so bad at times that I can't hear myself think and many times have to stop what I am saying because I can't be heard. I am so stressed. Caleb takes so much out of me. He is demanding, and I don't mean like being tended to, he is demanding. He doesn't ask for things, he tells me: "Go get me something to drink." "You do it." I mean don't get me wrong, I love him to no end, and he is still my baby, but Crys he is just so hard to please. Earlier in the bathtub, I told him we needed to wash his hair and he didn't want to, but I did it anyways, and he screamed.

Codey, I don't even know where to begin. He just doesn't listen. He doesn't want to do his homework, ALL he does is scream at people. He is so cruel. I try and teach him how to be polite and how to deal with stuff and it just doesnt sink in.

Jadon is such a good boy, but has such horrible influences. He is ALWAYS giving something up that he wants (drinks, food, television shows, etc.) because one of the other boys wants it. He is such a lover and is the first one to know when something is amiss. But, he has his moments too. He will yell and scream and God is he lazy. He refuses to clean up anything. I have to yell, scream, beg and cry for him to do anything. And that is stress.

Autumn is doing really well. No meltdowns or real attitude. Just typical teenage things. She is in track now, so much of her time is spent at school training.

You know, and my sister pissed me off today....AGAIN, and I didn't even speak to her. Here's why:

My mom has to be in court for her tomorrow morning at 1030. I had told my mom that I was willing to leave here around 7 so that way we could get down there and they would have time to get downtown. Part of my reasoning is that Autumn has a parent/teacher conference tomorrow night at 620 and I REALLY don't want to take all the boys. So, I was hoping that my mom could at least sit with them while I did this 30 minute conference. But, she talked to my sister this morning and she said that it is my problem to figure out and that she was going to get my mom tonight. Okay, doesn't sound like a problem right?! WRONG!!!

They were supposed to leave El Paso between 6 and 7, it is now 730 and no call from them saying they are leaving. It is at least a 2.5 hour drive in the daytime, at least 3 hours at night (because you have to watch for deer and stuff). In addition it is 150 miles 1 way (300 round trip) so, essentially they wouldn't get back to El Paso till AFTER midnight, go to court tomorrow and then supposedly bring her back tomorrow night. SO, 600 miles later. That doesn't make any sense to me when I was planning on going down anyways and it would have been 300 miles, AND my mom would have been able to sleep for tonight and be refreshed for the morning. So, I have decided that if my sister wants to be the hero, then she can do all the things that I have been doing and I am going to step back.

You know with me staying home my house is not staying any cleaner because I have so much to do between it and the yards; not to mention grocery shopping and errands that have to be run. So, this is stressing me out to. I am not sleeping at night, I toss, turn, dream and sweat to death. I am currently in the withdrawls from the Lexapro which is adding to my agitation and anger. You know how those feel with the electric shocks and the just absolute instable feeling you get. So, that is stressing me out.

Jeff is leaving to go out to Santa Fe tomorrow morning. I am not going with him, so his bandage and packing is going to go almost 48 hours without being changed. I offered to go up there with him, get a hotel room, and just let him stop by in the morning so I could change it. But he said we don't have that type of money and that he will be fine. I am not comfortable with it at all, but there is nothing more that I can do. I told him that the $500 we just got from AFLAC would be more well spent with me going up there and taking care of him than me sitting here and him getting a secondary infection. But, he is not budging. So that is stressing me out.

I know I shouldn't be complaining, I know you would kill to be able to stay home with the kids and just get your degree. But I just don't know how you or other people do it. I am such a failure at this. That's another thing, I have everything to get into grad school except my 2 letters of recommendation. I have certaintly gotte 3 people to say they will, yet they haven't. This is my future we are talking about, how would they like it if someone screwed with their future?

Caleb has started this new thing where he jumps off of everything. He jumps off the back of the couch to the cushion to roll onto the floor, he just jumped off the arm of the couch to the floor, earlier after his bath he jumped from my bed to the floor. He gets on my big exercise ball and rolls around and jumps onto and off of it. (He's crazy.) I can just see him breaking a leg, and then what? I would be referred to CYFD and that would just do me in. Is all that because I don't spend enough time with him?

Today Caleb, my mom, and myself spent about 4 hours outside, removing rocks and tarp from what is going to become my garden area. Its about 20 feet long and about 5 feet wide. It was a lot of hard work, but Caleb loved it. BUT, he started to help and then after about 10 minutes he said that he was tired and went to play in the yard. We tried to make it a game and load up his tricycle for him to move the rocks to their destination on the side of the house, and he did one trip and we couldn't make him do anymore. What am I doing wrong? Jeff said that he is like a puzzle and we just have to figure him out, but I don't know how. I am a good problem solver but I guess I'm not good at figuring out how to do the best for my kids.

Right now he is saying that a cartoon is not a cartoon. UGH!

When will it stop Crys? You know, I have been reading a book, the purpose driven life and it says so much to me, yet at times like this I fail God by not believing that everything will be okay and that He will take care of me. How can I send it up to Him and just release everything. God himself knows that is what I want so badly.

You know and I am so envious of people right now. Aimee posted on facebook a picture of Las Vegas from her hotel room and it was beautiful. One of my other friends is going to be going to Alabama for a family reunion and her grandmothers 75th birthday. You know, I am not going to be travelling anytime soon and I don't have my grandmother anymore.

Okay, I am just about in tears. Sorry to bog you down with all of this, but I more or less really just needed to vent.

I miss and love you guys more than you know or words can express.

Take care.

Love ya,
Jenn

I think I'm in trouble....

2011-02-09T19:36:00.002-07:00

Hey you,

How's everything going? I hope that it is going well. I really hope that gram is getting treated better and that physical therapy is going good. How is Gab with her sickness? I think she shared it with me because I am sick right now. Nothing really bad, just a sore throat, runny nose, a little bit of a cough and I'm tired.

Well, I think that I am in a lot of trouble. Words that we have exchanged in the past is hitting home and true right now and I really need to tell you about it. I really want you to analyze this and tell me what you think. I will try and be as clear as crystal when I tell you what is going on.

You have told me time and time again that when the children's actions begin to get into the way of normal living that it is time for intervention. Well, I think I'm there and have been for some time. Let's see if I can get this out in a fashion that will give you a good understanding of why I think there is a problem.

1.) Caleb almost refuses to wear any type of underwear besides Batman. I have to practically bribe him and lie to him about where his Batman underwear are. I tell him things like they are in the washer, when in fact they are in the dirty clothes. At least I haven't gotten to the point of doing a special load of laundry or going to the store to buy him more Batman underwear.

2.) Caleb and all the kids really, have control of the television. Jeff and I can never watch a television show without someone getting mad, crying or yelling about wanting to watch cartoons. In Caleb's case, he is into watching movies right now and always wants to watch the same 2 movies. So, in order to keep him from screaming and stuff, we give in (I know it's wrong) and let him watch a movie, or bribe him to watch the cartoons with the kids.

3.) Caleb absolutely refuses to do almost anything that he is told to do. He doesn't take a nap (well sometimes, at like 3-4 pm and then he is up till 11), he doesn't pick up his toys, he doesn't throw things away. Point in case: tonight, he didn't want his cheese stick anymore so I told him to pick it up off the couch and go throw it away. He looked at me and said "You throw it away." So, I took him by the hand, walked him over to the trash, and forced him to throw his cheese stick away. Even then he told me: "You threw it away."

4.) It is so bad that on some occassions we will be getting him dressed, and we have always counted "1 leg, 2 legs" with him; well, now he says "That isn't my 1 leg this is my one leg." (Imagine his left one being the first leg and the right being the 2nd, he gets very adamant on which is what.) So, we take off his pants and re-do it.

5.) He doesn't eat at specified times. Again, my fault. He has always eaten like a bird throughout the day, picking from time to time. Lately because I do the menu's (which I still need to e-mail you) I usually only by food to go for the menus, and cook the meals that are on the menu, and only allow snacks that have been ear marked. So, Jeff or I usually end up going to the store to get more snacks.

6.) He will not sleep in his bed. So, we started letting him fall asleep on the couch (at his convenience of course) and then Jeff and I would at least be able to get a couple of hours of peaceful rest while he is in the living room.

I know that most of this is my fault. I give in, I don't have a good enough schedule, etc. I know all this. What I don't know is how to curtail all of this, but I am at my wits end. I know that I NEED to get all those things in order, but ALL of the kids are plain oppositional to everything I try and instill. He RULES almost everything I do. Sometimes, I can't get going in the mornings because he won't let me take a shower, get him dressed, or get out the door.

I know some of the things are cute, and it shows his indpendence, but Crys, it is crazy here in my house. I told my mom tonight "When will I be able to sit down at night have a cup of coffee and just relax?"

I sometimes think that maybe I am just exaggerating, but I don't know.

Moving on.....

This morning, Jadon woke up and again was complaining of chest/stomach pains. So, I kept him home AGAIN and took him into the doctor. The doctor ordered a blood test and x-rays of his belly because he thinks that with Jadon being so rough and tumble, not to mention how he fights with Codey, and taking into account that maybe he fell onto his handlebars, that somehow his pancreas got PUNCTURED and is LEAKING pancreatic enzymes into his abdominal cavity which is causing his stomach pain. So, we won't know anything for at least 2 days, when all the test results will get back. On the up side of this, the body will heal itself. If it is too severe then they will put him on steroids. IF it is not a pancreatic injury, then they think that it is going to be bruised organs, again caused from the same things.

Okay lady, I think that is it. I'm sorry it has been a woe-is-me kind of post, but I had to get it out of my head and onto "paper" (screen).

I miss ya and love ya dearly. Wish I was closer.

**Caleb was just told to lay down and he said in a very snarky tone: "I'm going to pet Titan."**

Jenn

You're aunt is right

2011-01-30T22:10:00.002-07:00

Crys,

You're aunt is totally dead on with what she said. You are no good to anyone else if you don't take care of yourself. I believe that we had that same conversation earlier when you had expressed the idea of getting people to cover your grams visits on days other than when you go. In addition, but you have 2 kids at home along with John who all need you as much if not more than your gram does, just in different ways. AND we can not forget that Crys needs Crys. So, stop the madness now, because you never know when I might need you in the future! LOL!

Love ya,
Jenn

what my aunt said

2011-01-30T08:02:00.001-07:00

Today, I was talking with my aunt about all the stress that I have on my plate right now and how I am just feeling so over extended and spent and she said something to me that hit home. She pointed out that I am doing the same thing that my mother did when my grandfather was ill and that it was part of what made her put her own needs aside and pass away. Not that it was anyone esle's fault but she let things get her down to a point where she did not take care of herself at all and i see it clear as day. That is just what I am doing and it needs to stop before it is too late. So tommorrow I am going to start down this path again come hell or high water and it is going to be really tough but what good am I to those that I love if I am not here at all?

Something else to read

2010-11-22T21:11:00.002-07:00

Hey woman,

Seeing how you have been working so hard on school, here is something else for you to read that you really don't have to interpret and try to wrap your head around.

First something way cute! Caleb woke up from nap the other day, went to the closet mirror door, and dropped his mouth open, furrowed his brow and said "My not handsome anymore!" When Jeff asked him why, he said "Cause my hair is messed up, it makes me not handsome anymore." Way too cute.

Gosh, I had my whole thought process planned out and I can't get it together now.

School is almost done, and although I have no where the work load you do, I am still struggling. It makes me think that there is no way I could ever do a graduate degree while working. I do not have the drive you do. I have to be in bed latest at 10:00 or I am no good the next day, you have great stamina and are staying up until 2am to do your papers. In addition, I really don't think I can write a 55 page paper, I am not that smart.

I really miss you and the kiddos. I keep thinking that I would love to be up there for the holidays. Oh, speaking of which tell me what you and the kids like. I am looking to buy your gifts soon and get them to you, so let me know. Our weather here is still warm, 60's mainly during the day and 30's at night. I wish that I would have cool weather so that I could get in the holiday mood. It is so hard when you feel like you are in the spring. On the upside we have had beautiful color changes this year on the trees. I am really, really wanting a camera. I have a new found interest in photography, well not so new found, just something I really want to do right now, I have always been interested in it.

Work like I said is very busy but going well. The director sat down the other day and actually had a personnel meeting, which cleared the air and set some things straight. So, I am hopiing that things will get better.

Girl, I am rambling not making any sense at all. So, I am going to end it here. I will get back on here when I get a better thought process together.

Oh, final word....I am down 12lbs to 210 in 4 weeks. I am so happy! I am not doing it right, I am just not eating hardly anything, but if I eat, I gain weight.

2010-10-14T19:43:00.002-06:00

I sware sometimes I just want to fucking run away and join the cirus. For me it never ends. I am never ever just me. NEVER! It drives me nutty.

Moving along....Sorry. It was just a rant because I feel like I never have adult time and I pretty much have to wait years in order to have it. I have already waited years and have a few more to wait. and to top it off the typing now is waking up gab. I sware ssometimes I cant deal. This is why I just give up and go to bed.

I think that it is fine that Caleb wont go potty. Gab wont either. I am going to take a week off near thanksgiving and try to train her that week. I am not going to even try again before then because like you said if we are not like the ones that are on top of it it will not happen. So I think that when you and caleb are both ready that it will just happen. I am sure that the older children were a little like Caleb, because I know it must of been somewhat of a challenge with Darren but like you I remember it to be so easy. One day he woke up trained and that was that! lol...

I also think that the pretend that you explained is great. And dont be to hard on your self. I know you have a llot of stuff to do and very little time. Just try to play with Caleb a little here and a little there. he has so many people in his life to keep him busy. He isnt just alone all the time! Dont be so hard on yourself!!!! Your a great moma!

With the money stuff i feel for you so much. I almost threw up reading it. I wish I could help you and believe me I would. It sucks that times are that bad and that the hospital did what they did to jeff. I only pray that god will somehow just give you a break and help you out of this whole. BEcause you deserve it! I hope that the layaway didnt get canceled. Maybe you can have them extend it a little???

It isnt very cold here yet girlie! the leaves are changing and all but it is not tooo cold. It is actually pretty nice! I cant wait to get you some pictures! I took some video of leaves today for you but they didnt come out to show the colors too much I was bummed.

Girl do you know I gained 16 pounds back?? I weigh between 168 and 170. Yeah nothing esle needs to be said about that. Throw up.

What esle???

Oh grad school for you....I want to see you get to do what you want....but do you need it? Is what you want to be when you grow up something you need to go back for? I love what I am doing and wont give up but I was thinking you know I could make it on what I earn...I dont NEED to go back but yet I NEED to go back for me! So is this something that you want for you? Or for your job? If it is for you then I support it all the way but if it is for s job then maybe you should think about it more. I kknow you are like me so I bet it is for you....

Glad to hear that Autumn is in sports now and that good things are happening for codey! How is Jaden?

Oh and the sleeping thing? Forget it. I sleep with gab every night. I gave up. I know some day it will change but for now I give up. I guess we both have monsters that way. They are a lot alike even though they live so far away must be a may thing.

I was in Hartford ALLL day today for training. Tomm to. It is good but long days and (to me) a long drive...

My friend Ash had her baby Grace and nicole my niece had her baby Olivia and my cousin lauren is pregnant due in May and kelly is having a girl. I DO NOT WANT A BABY. not even with all that around me. NOPE.

The other day I worked with my premie twins. Born at 25 weeks. Now about 3 months old corrected age zero. And the little girl threw up on her face down her nose and almost choked...and dad picked her up so roughly shoved the thing down her nose and suctioned her. I thought I was gonna die....they live in the projects....seven kids.....no car.....no money.....and cockroaches....surrounded by some vacant and some trashed some lived in projects.....This year we are doing holiday helpers...at work and donating gifts to poor families. I am going to bring darren with me to give the toys to the families so he can see the difference between what we have and what they have...There is one....a large one.

WE got a kitten. Hersey. She is a siamese. like coco. who I finally lost to cancer last month. that was fucking terrible. I held her while they put her down. I cried like you wouldnt believe. Like I did when you left. pretty bad. I love you and miss you.

I hope this helps. I am going to watch trash on tv and hit the hay. I might not of gotten to everything but I will hope on here tomm. I have a long day to say the least but I am thinking about taking my computer to the class....I dk I really like it so I might nnot because I need to listen. It is a good one.....its about the ADOS a test for autism. I am getting trained to adminster it. YAWN.

K girlie...

Love you.

Night

Crystal

Hey.....

2010-10-12T14:06:00.003-06:00

Hey Crissie,

How are you doing? I am sure that you are doing well. I promised that I would get on here and post so you could respond tomorrow, so here I go. I just really don't want to pull you down in the depths of no return, so if you are having any issues of your own that are pressing and causing you trouble, please do not read this. Wait until things are better.

Word of warning, my thoughts are so scattered, so I am not guaranteeing that they are going to make a whole lot of sense.

First, as you know, I am always worried about Caleb. Well, he is doing ok, I guess. He will not potty train, he absolutely refuses to even want to grasp the concept. I haven't been too on board with doing it either which is a problem I know, but I am having problems committing to it. I remember the kids being so easy to do, and he just absolutley refuses. ALL of my other kids were potty trained by this age. You know, he also refuses to sleep in his bed. Again, I try hard, but Jeff doesn't reinforce what I do. Last night the baby fell asleep on the couch and Jeff asked me where I wanted him. Well, in his bed. He is getting too big to sleep with us, and quite frankly I am tired of him being in our bed all the time. I can't turn over or stretch out because I have a 38 inch child next to me. I don't know how I am ever going to break him of sleeping in our bed. Also, he pretends play so much. I have a feeling that it is because I don't get down and play with him like I should. I just can't find the time. He has one heck of what I hope is an imagination. He will say that there are monsters around and he is going to make sure they don't get him, he will tell a complete story with sentences like "and then" he pauses and then continues his story, all fabricated. He says things like probably yesterday in repsonse to where he got a scratch or bruise from. Almost the entire time that he is home with me, I am working on school or cleaning. I am so tired of not having time. I don't have time for me, the kids, Jeff, my mom or anything. I am so wrapped up in trying to keep up with school.

So, moving on from there. Jeff and I are in such a financial bind it isn't even funny. He decided not to pay a hospital bill right after we got here and so they are just now garnishing his wages. They are taking $594 out of every one of his checks (twice a month) and then another one in the beginning of November. We are always in overdraft...ALWAYS and I am not saying like $50, no like $350-$500. We have a hard time keeping up with Calebs pullups, paying our bills, or sometimes getting food in the house. We were in jeopardy of having Jeffs car repossessed. I don't know how we are going to get out of it. We do not splurge on anything, not one single solitary thing. Well, let me correct that, Jeff decided this last paycheck to buy pizza for $30 one night for dinner rather than coming home and finding something. Yet, I don't get anything to drink or eat for work, I take everything with me. This is what gets me so frustrated. He is saying that we are going to get out of this, but I just don't see it. I am so freaking tired of being broke. I have no money to get the kids clothes for school for the cooler weather. It is already to the point where in the morning they should have a light pull over on or something and it is all or was sitting on layaway at KMart. Yet because we didn't have any money to pay it, chances are we have lost all of the clothes I had on layaway for the kids. So, how am I now going to afford to get them clothes?

I don't know if I told you, but my work switched from the County as their payroll processor and holder of insurance. Well, the County has not invoiced my work for the insurance that has been paid by them due to inadequacies of our new payroll personnel, and they are saying that they are going to take the chunk of money out at 1 time. Crys, that is like $800 for me, one of my checks. If they do that this coming week, we are going to have a $1300+ deficit, Jeff's $594 and my entire check. What the hell are we going to do then?

Work of course is another issue that I am having. We are back to 12 hour shifts, and I am opting to stay on graveyards because I lost my babysitter for the boys after school and I don't want to put up with the obnoxious behavior by my boss during the day. That place is loud enough during the day without her coming out of her office wanting to tell stories and laughing and being loud. Besides, I hate the way she is so false with everything. I hate how she lies. So, in any event I just stay on graveyards from 8p-8a my time. I get home at 9am and leave at 630pm in order to get back to work. So, I don't see the kids in the morning because they are in school by the time I get home and I leave right during the time that we would all be sitting down to complete dinner.

Now, can you see why I have no time. I sleep during the day and try to prepare for another 14 hour day, and so I don't have time for my school. I just took my midterm for administrative law and got a 68, because I never cracked the book because I have no time. I applied for what would be a perfect job: hours are 730-430 everyday, every other friday off and saturday and sunday every week. To add to it, it is right here in Carlsbad. The pay would be $12.50, where I am making $14.11 right now, but I would be saving gas. I would still have insurance too. I interviewed for this on September 7th and I still haven't heard anything. I have called her every time she has said she would have a decision, and now I am just not even getting her attention to answer the phone. I am so frustrated. There are no other jobs here, NOTHING. So, I am stuck driving back and forth and working insane amount of hours.

Moving on. I thought I had found the graduate school I wanted to attend, but when I got the follow up e-mail it isn't. I want to get my Masters in Social Work, Texas University-San Marcos has one of the best schools in the nation, and I could've done it all online. The problem however, is that it is more from an administrative role and not an interactive role. I would only go part-time taking me 4 years because it is a 64 credit hour degree. Crys, that is insane, and I don't want to do admin crap, I want to do more hands on. So, I don't know what I am going to do. NMSU, where I am right now, doesn't offer an online SW masters because of the amount of intern hours that have to be done (500 the first year and 450 the second year.) In addition, they state right in their catalog that there is no way for a full-time masters student to carry the 15 hour minimum and the internships and work. So, we would be without an income, and as you can tell, there is no way that we could afford that. So, my dreams of grad school are pretty much gone.

I am so down in the dumps right now that I sat yesterday with facebook open for 9 hours, and never did a thing. I just stared at it. I didn't work on my school, I didn't clean house, I hardly ate. I am to the point where getting out of bed to take a shower and stuff is such a challenge. I feel all alone. Jeff is great, but he isn't what I need all the time, hell I can't tell you what I need all the time. I don't even know what I need right now. I just know that I told Jeff I am tired of being so sad, I have been like this on and off for the better part of 16 years, and I am tired of it. I am tired of having no desire to do things, and when I do, I quickly realize that what I want cannot come to fruition. For instance, Jeff registered for his first intenship for his doctorate in February, he is going for four days to Denver, Colorado, I want to go but I know I can't. What would I do with the kids? How would we afford to do it? Maybe income tax or his refund from school. But then, how are we going to ever pay off our credit so we can have decent shit. I know that if your head hasn't started to spin, it is by now. Crys, this is how I live, day in and day out, every minute of my life. The Lexapro isn't working anymore, well I guess I could be worse, so I guess it is. I have no outlets. I know that at one point in time I had dreams of so many things, and they are gone.

Alright girlie, I just realized I have been grinding my teeth and because of the seperators they are really hurting, which has now caused me to get a massive headache. I know that what I have written here is not everything, but I am spent. Sorry.

Love you and miss you,

Jenn

Missing....

2010-08-14T20:14:00.002-06:00

Hey chickie,

So, I know that I haven't been on here lately. I just got off of 12 hour shifts and am now working 7-3 Tuesday-Saturday, and I am LOVING it. So, I figured since I SHOULD be having more time to be able to post and stay connected with you. I know that you have been posting tweets, which reminds me to go check my account, but I don't think you are receiving my responses. I feel so disconnected from you.

I really do miss you a lot. I think about you all the time. I don't understand where I went wrong and lost so much contact with you. I feel HORRIBLE that I don't get to talk to you as much. I know that things are going great for John and you, and I know that you're always super busy with the kids and work. If I remember correctly you are also due to start school sometime this month, which is going to take more of your time. It makes me sad that we don't talk as much as we used to. I know that I have been busy with work, school, the kids, the house, you know, all the things you get busy with. I just wish there was some day during the week that we could set aside 2 hours to connect. I feel like it is important for me.

So, how is the Love Dare going? I finally watched the movie Fireproof and talk about a darn good movie. I could see John and you in some aspects. I am going to watch it with Jeff at some point in time and we ARE going to start the Love Dare again. Although things are going really really good right now, we still have our days where things can be tense and we just had an argument about a week ago.

So, update on the Campbell homefront: I took a huge step and applied for Supervisor within my company. I am nervous, I take my written exam on Monday at noon my time and it should take about 3 hours. I have gotten so many mixed reports of things at work. For instance, my boss told me that I should apply because I never know what could happen. Then I have a supervisor telling me that my boss has already made her decision and that the whole application process was just for show and to cover her rear in case of a complaint. Then, the person I am up against doesn't care for me anyways and everytime she is around me she's sure to make reference to when she becomes supervisor (the chosen one).

The couple of things that really make me thing this is all unethical is that the deadline was last month for the complete application packets to be in. Well, the other day the chosen one was talking to a Lieutenant of the Sheriffs department and stated "Thank you for the buttering thing, I now have until oral boards to submit what I need to." Well on top of that, one of the criteria was that you had to be with the authroity full time for one year, she has only been back with the authority full time for like 4 months, well HR pushed her through and allowed her to apply anyways. Seem fishy to you? I know it does to me.

I can tell you that with everything going on, if she gets supervisor, I am quitting. I refuse to work under such a person who lets the title go to her head. She is also not very friendly with people and is brash, and made comment that she told our boss that she was willing to sign up for sensitivity training. Sounds more fishy right?

I have recently noticed that I am beginning to look at things in a different light. I am starting to look at things like this: this life that we have here on earth is too short to worry about stuff, like what I have described. I need to be spending more time with the kids, my husband, and living. I was just thinking that we should take a small vacation. Even if it is just for the weekend. Albuquerque NM is not too far from here, about 4 hours and they have an aquarium, awesome zoo, and some other things. But it would be family time that is being spent together. What we deal with while we live is going to pale in comparison to what we have when we finally meet our maker and His kingdom.

When we live running in the fast lane and never take the time to slow down we miss so much of what we should be enjoying, seeing, hearing, and experiencing. You really do have to take the time to smell the roses.

So, anways, I am excited, I am in my last semester of college and am due to graduate in December. I would send you an invitation, but I know that you can't make it. I may send you one just so you have it, that is if you want it. I am scared because the classes I am taking are going to be difficult, but it is only 16 weeks of my life that I must invest in it for a lifetime of recognition.

I was going to tell you that if you want a good movie to watch that will make you cry from about an hour into it to about 30 minutes after it, you have to watch Hachi. It never hit the theaters but it is available at most red boxes and online through Netflix. One of the girls I work with (Future supervisor hopeful) said she bought it at Wal-Mart. I really think that Bird would like it, although he is a growing boy and he may not want to watch sappy movies. But hey, it is just a suggestion.

Alright girlie, I am going to get off of here. I am going to go to bed and try and have a good night. Know that I really do miss you very very much and love with depths as deep as the ocean.

Talk to you soon,
JENN

geese My friend what happened?

2010-07-14T13:47:00.002-06:00

Omg god I came on here looking for the surprise and this is what I saw. I hope you text me back soon.

2010-07-14T12:55:00.000-06:00

Bad day. Rough day. Sad day. Dead day.

It's been a while....

2010-06-25T20:51:00.002-06:00

Okay, so I figured it's been a while since either of us have been on here, so I figured I would come back and just kinda update you on things.

First, the kids are all doing well. They are having a blast, c'mon they get to swim every single day almost, and they don't have to go to school. Caleb is doing well. He is such a funny character. He is so demanding though. But, on the other hand he is very loveable. Out of the blue he will tell you that he loves you and gives you a hug. You have to see him, he cries if iCarly, Big Time Rush, or Spongebob are not on when HE wants them to be on. Okay correction, he down right throws a fit. He is really good at counting and his colors. Yvette (babysitter) was saying that she bought a pre-school reading program for her daughter, but Caleb is the one that is responding the most to it. I don't know which one it is or what it entails, but I am all for it!

I am doing ok. I screwed up my diet, but oh well. Tomorrow is another stone, another day. I will be ok. School is killing me, I only have 2 weeks left in one class and I will be done and the other one ends sometime in August, just before Fall semester. My job is going well other than the quirks that all jobs have, but I do my best to work through them and just remember that I am there to help someone who needs it and not make everyone else happy.

My instructor for this training I have been in is hilarious. He is wound really tight, he talks a million miles a minute (like I do). He said something yesterday about a "bubbler." Well minus the "r". But I had to sit and think a minute he was talking about the water fountain! He has a million sounds and voices he can do, and at times he acts just like someone out of a mafia movie. But I loved it. I loved all the terminology that was used, the jokes he made, he just made the class fun. In so many ways did he remind me of the happiness I felt when I was up there with you in your environment. I remember how much it felt like home. And although I may not be able to make it up there as fast as I had hoped, it reminded me of my ultimate goal. I just hope it happens before I am too old to actually enjoy it.

You know lately I have been realizing how short life really is. I mean we spend our days and nights thinking, worrying, and running and we forget to stop and smell the roses. To stop and take time to do, try, or experience the things we truly enjoy. And for someone like me who doesn't even know to what nth degree that is, life seems even shorter. I feel at times like it is water, slipping between my fingers and there is nothing that I can do to stop it.

I just took a xanax so in a few minutes I am going to be hitting the hay. I have figured out that the only way I can get up at 5 in the morning is if I go to bed right around 9 and sleep ALL night. If I don't then I have a way less chance of getting up and actually walking.

Speaking of which I hope that your exercise and diet regimen are going well. I know that you work so hard and I really want you to see results. I mean if the weight is not coming off, that is not necessarily a bad thing, it just means that you are putting on muscle, which weighs more than fat. So, you could be losing the bad stuff (fat) and putting on the good stuff (muscle).

Okay girlie, I just got writers block, but I promise I will get on here more since I am not working as much as I was. I literally only work about 14 days a month.

I love you and miss you very much.

Jenn

I am so happy....

2010-06-05T15:40:00.005-06:00

Hey you,

It was so nice talking to you today, and I appreciate the hour you took to talk to me. It lifted my spirits by millions. Thank you so much.

I know you will make the right decision. You are a smart person and you know how to be diplomatic, so your dilemma will be taken care of.

Me hearing you at the gym on the phone gave me a new motiviation. I should already have motivation because where I work their gym facility is free for me to use. AND I may have found someone to go with me. So that will help also.

I feel bad because I didn't give you any time to talk about the good stuff that is going on in your life like with Bird, Gab, and John. I feel so bad. I want to make time to talk to you again so I can get updated on everything. Sorry for being such a bad friend. I just felt like a little kid getting to talk to my idol/bff/a person that means the world to me and I couldn't contain myself.

Well anyways, Jeff is at the store with 2 of the three kids and I REALLY need to be working on homework, but I wanted to leave you with a couple of cute pics:

Remember when.....

2010-06-03T09:14:00.003-06:00

Hey you, just feeling down, nostalgic and alone. I broke out the pics from when I visited. I really do miss you very much. Hopefully we get to talk soon. Love you bunches.

2010-06-02T18:17:00.002-06:00

SO I was talking to my co worker at length the other day and I am really struggling at work right now. I am with a family that I love dearly but they have so many hardships right now and I see it carrying over to my own life. I cannot go on and on because I would not want anyone I know to see this and figure out what I am talking about but I will need to talk to you more for you to get it. One of the things that is happening is that I am not finding time for my friends. YOU. I am just so involed in what I am in right now that It takes all the energy I have. I am in bed every night at about 9 and barely touch the computer. I am late on all my paperwork at work etc. So other things are slacking and I think that is why I focus some much on my weight right now because again it is something that I can control one hundred percent. You know? We need to talk about this better for you to understand but when I was talking to my co worker I realized how bad it is getting and that I need to do something before it gets worse. I just dont know what to do or how to change it. ANyway gab is pressing buttons.

Hey

2010-05-31T19:26:00.001-06:00

Hey you,

I am glad to hear that you are still working so hard. You will see in no time the payoff for you being such a hard and diligent worker. Keep up the good work.

I miss talking to ya.

Love ya lots,
Jenn

this week

2010-05-29T07:16:00.001-06:00

SO I continue to work out everyday and I know that I am not eating the best so the fact that I lost a pound and two onces this week is okay. I figure if I work out I am getting healthy anyway with or without big numbers on the scale. Which by the way my scale is out of batteries and now the batteries are not normal so it is a pain when this happens. This will be a good experiment to see what it is like to not weigh myself everyday. It drives me nuts to be honest! Well anyway weight watchers has me at 160.6. I hate that I am still in the 160s but maybe this week I will finally be under to stay. Ah we shall see. Love you and miss you.

Hey....

2010-05-22T22:27:00.001-06:00

Hey girlie, I am beat but I wanted to get on here really fast. I know that you are having a hard time with the running and not losing weight, but remember that you are also going to be putting on muscle and toning up, so although you may not see the weight come off, the fat will turn to muscle and your body structure will change and the pant size will go down. Don't give up. You ar doing a fantastic job!

Love ya,

Jenn

fat ass

2010-05-22T08:14:00.002-06:00

working hard for nothing. So for the last three days I have run and walked like mad. I have gone a total of 9.5 miles in the last three days and you know what nothing....nothing nothing nothing. I havent lost a pound well 8 onces but what good is that. I dont understand why when I am working so hard and nothing is really showing up. and to top it off I try but every day I still eat too much. I dont know what happened to me but I think I am going to be 160 plus pounds for the rest of my life.

Epiphany?

2010-05-13T14:58:00.003-06:00

Hey you,

How are you doing? I hope that you are doing well, I haven't heard from you in a couple of days, but I know that you are a highly demanded woman! I am doing MUCH better in the last couple of days, let's hope it continues!

Okay, so I had an annual check up with my doc yesterday and after getting good news I figured out the following: I am healthy as a horse, so the reason I am fat is because I don't move enough and I eat all the wrong things. My thyroid, and all my blood work came back good (other than me being slightly anemic). So, the epiphany I had was that I just have to get out and move more and make better choices as to what I choose to eat. I have to be in control of it.

I know that I am going to try and start buying gluten free foods because when I eat foods that have gluten, my belly blows up like a balloon.

Today was my first day where I was able to keep my poor Caleb home with me all day. But it's like I told Jeff, I would have done him no good and it wouldn't have been fair to him if I can't get him a drink or feed him his meals. I was sleeping all the time. So, it was better for him to go to the sitter where he has interaction, education, and a person who can take care of him the way he deserves. But today has been a lot of fun! I even took him to the park for about 20 minutes.

Today I was very productive, by 9:30 am my time, I had completely cleaned my living room and my room, vacuumed, and had already done 4 loads of laundry. I am still doing laundry, but at least I got my bed sheets cleaned first thing this morning. I am soooooo tired right now though.

My mouth is doing much better today. I have been able to eat 3 solid meals since yesterday and am down to taking only Advil for the pain. The dentist said that he didn't see anything out of the ordinary and that he just wants to be sure that I am getting progressively better.

Ok I am having a heart attack Jadon says that he has a really bad headache and can't remember what they did today at school so say a prayer.

Love ya,
Jenn

Dont say anything that you wouldnt say about your best friend....

2010-05-11T11:40:00.002-06:00

okay girl sorry that it took me soooo long to get back on here and write to you but here I am finally. I have to say thank you for the words of encouragement and I am glad that you think that I look okay. Sometimes I think that too but other times I might as well think the worse thing in the world about me....anyway I read this thing in the weight watchers plan and it said "dont even think something about yourself if you would not say it about your best friend. I really liked that because there are so many things that I would say about me but never say them about you and there are the opposite as well things that I would say to you like how great you are and how pretty that I would never say to myself. I guess what it comes down to is finding a way to be more of a best friend to yourself... and supporting yourself rather than talking down to yourself. It is so easy to say and not so hard to do.....but lets try to do this a little more.... We shall see...

I think that your body thinks that you are straving it and there for is trying despretly not to let go of its reserves because girl 500 calories a day is nada. I sure hope that you can manage to eat a little something more soon. Maybe some soup packed with REALLY well done veggies.... and maybe even some VERY VERY mushy chicken?? Someideas. I knnow it sucks but again at least it is done.

Thanks for the picture of the baby it is really cute! I took an Xanxax last night and passed out. I dont take them often but they help me sleep so when I am really tired I will take one but I think I fell asleep before gab and slept all the way through until 5 am and then again until 7:30 so as you can imagine I must have needed that sleep. I am still getting over some kind of bug to so I think that was part of it too. But I did not mean to pass out on you there so I am sorry for that!

I am really sorry that you have been down. I wish that I could make it better but I really feel like the stupid ass lexapro is partly to blame I was really bad on it. I cried all the time and gained all that weight. I am still mad alot now but I would rather be mad then sad....I get lonely but just get mad and hateful about it rather then lay here and cry like I do on medication. I think I might get a few bottles of wine and have that on the nights that I get mad.... sometimes that is when I take the xanax. I dont take a lot but when this whole thing with donna was going on I did alm ost daily but only the .25 so it is not all that bad but then since then I just filled the bottle that was due to be filled on March 15th so I had enough from feb 15th to now...or last night so I havent needed it too much. My reason for not seeking out any medication is because I dont want to gain weight and I know that I will. I think maybe even the xanax helped with this seven pounds that I gained back but I dont really know and I think that I ate enough food that I am surprised that it is not WAYYYYY more. Oh well.

Okay girlie. I think you are beautiful and a great friend. Try to take it easy and at least know that you are loved! I love you.

Maybe?......

2010-05-10T15:18:00.002-06:00

Hey girlie, I am so glad to hear that you went back to Weight Watchers! That was a great step for you to take. I really hope that you are back on the Wagon. It has been a hard couple of months for you and you deserve to feel better about yourself. You look fine and would be able to go buy clothes for yourself, heck you deserve it. I don't think you look bad at all. Me on the other hand, look like a roll of blubber that is going to be used in tires or something, so I definitely have to do something. Maybe?......

I was hoping to get back on the wagon after all this stupid stuff with my mouth is done. I am so frustrated right now as you can imagine. I want some solid food and just can't do it yet. But then again, I like the fact that I am only consuming like 500-600 calories a day if that. However, I am not losing any weight, so that makes me very sad. :-( I just don't take the time or the energy to go to weight watchers and track everything. I don't have the energy to get up and move and that is the most important thing I need to do. I also don't have the time. I hate working 12 hour shifts, it really dampens what I am able to do, but if all runs right, we will be going back to 10 hour shifts, which still makes it difficult for me.

Okay girlie, I am not going to drone on like I ususally do, but just know that I am having a hard time right now, and I can't figure out why or how to fix it. Hope you get back on the wagon and are able to make progress. If you want motivation, I have a co-worker who used to weigh 220 lbs and like 5'8" and now she is down to like 175 and can run 5 miles a day. How long did it take her to accomplish this? LESS THAN 6 MONTHS! So, if she can do it, you can too.

Love ya,
Jenn

back on the wagon?

2010-05-10T12:11:00.002-06:00

So I had a cancelation today and I had an hour to kill. What do I do? I wondered...I thought about going to the store and buying some summer clothing. I have a gift card that I got from our phone/cable company that I am planning to use towards clothing and considering that I have gained back weight I really do need clothes because less things fit me....

But instead I went to weight watchers! Yippee so we will see. I am offically up seven pounds according to weight watchers from Feb.... SO I know what I need to do.

Lets see how it goes.

C

2010-04-22T11:39:00.001-06:00

I know you can do it! GO girl! I hope that it works for you and that you feel great when you are done. I cant lol. I read it and my head was spinning. NO COFFEE? NONE with caffine.....GRr...

I hope we can talk soon. Gab is sleeping and I have a few hours at home before I have to go back to work AGAIN.

I hate being so busy it makes me feel like I never see gab. But at least I am home with her tommorrow. Love ya always!

C

CDR

2010-04-20T18:21:00.002-06:00

Good evening Crystal! I am so happy to be on here, and I feel really good about starting this.

I hope that you are doing well, it makes me sad to not talk to you as much as I would like to, but am forever greatful to have you as my friend. I hope that the kids are doing well.

Well here it is....the Cleanse, Detox, and Rebuild portion of our weight loss. After we are done with these three steps, then we will be in a mindset of smaller portions, hence allowing us to keep off and continue to lose the weight. Lets do this girlie!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It is very important that you eat ONLY the foods we've specified below, and completly avoid the foods that can cause allergic or inflammatory responses.

Food and drink that you CANNOT have:

Alcohol, caffeine, and drinks containing sugar or artificial sweetners. This includes ALL sweetners no matter how "natural" they claim to be.
Avoid ALL foods with refined sugar
No gluten--look for "Gluten free" on the package. Wheat, rye, oat and barley contain gluten, so all foods containing these grains--most notably bread and pasta are to be avoided.
No dairy, period. Eggs are okay in the first phase of your detox.
Avoid corn and tomato sausces, foods high in fat and oil, refined oils, shortenings, margaring and other butter substitutes.
No peanuts.
Miscellaneous: No pork products, processed meaths (hotdogs, sausages) or shell fish.
Certaintly avoid anything else, not mentioned here, to which to know you have an allergy or any kind of reaction. What kind of reaction? "Gee, it seems whenever I eat a lot of fill in the blank, I want to lie down and go to sleep." That kind of reaction.
Reduce salt as much as is possible (though this is not a salt-free diet) and use Celtic salt when you do.
NO hydrogenated fats or oils (Read the labels!)

You will abstain from these foods for the duration of the diet.

You should drink a gallon of water a day, sipped in portions of several ounces each throughout the day. No chlorinated or fluorinated water, that is, avoid tap water.

You ARE permitted to eat:

Vegetables, fruits and melons--though fruits and melon should be avoided in the second phase to cut down your sugar consumption.
Nuts, not peanuts, but almonds, cashews, Brazil nuts, walnuts, and pecans are all acceptable. Acceptable are sugar free, organic nut butters, i.e. almond butter.
Fish, chicken, and turkey can be eaten for protein, though fowl should be skinless. Lean beef is also okay. Remember: NO pork.
Olive oil is for cooking and salads. No corn, canola or other oils.
Rice and buckwheat, that is, non-gluten containing grains can be eaten.
Ezekiel bread is gluten-free bread made from sprouted grains and can be used throughout the diet as a bread substitute for sandwiches, etc.
Caffeine-free coffee and tea--green and herb tea--and clean drinking water.
Have as much sex as you can handle.

The Cleanse:

The first six days, conform to the diet as specified above. This will prepare your body, "loosening" things up and opening the channels for the excretion and elimination of those substances during Detox. Supplement with:

A full-spectrum vitamin and mineral supplement
Omega-3 fish oil supplement
Acidophilus supplement
You can eat as much as you'd like of lean protein and vegetables, and a moderate amount of non-gluten grains/bread. Salads are okay, whole tomatos are included.
Reserve fruits and melon for desserts, having just a small portion due to the sugar content of these foods.

The Detox:

For the subsequent 10 days, you will actually be eliminating the toxins and inflammants form your system. Yeast and harmful bacteria will also be reduced or eliminated--certaintly brought winthin your body's tolerance and ability to deal with them. Adhere to the diet, exluding fruits and melons.

**Personal note--it takes a little getting used to, but it's not that bad. Give it a chance.

Eat lean protein, vegetables, nuts, etc. as in the Cleanse.

The Rebuild:

For the following seven days you will be eating a healthy diet that will allow your body to restore cells, tissues and organs to health. Obviously, in just a week or so, you won't be made to look and feel like twenty, unless of course, you are twenty. But this extra time allows your body to "gear up" for youthful cell production. Stick to the food list. You may add fruit and melon, conservatively, back to your diet.

Don't forget to take:

Vitamins/Minerals
Omega-3 Oil
Acidophilus

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So, there it is. The very hell of cell reproduction and the cleanse and detox that starts the whole process. But, I think it is going to be worth it. I got a lot of stuff today, but not enough vegetables, and I got soy bread, but it still contains gluten, so I am going to go to a health food store and get some gluten free products. I know that it is going to cost me an arm and a leg, but I need it. Maybe I won't feel so tired all the time. Tell me what you think, ok?

Talk to you soon.

Love ya bunches,

Jenn

nice to see you....

2010-04-17T18:22:00.002-06:00

SO nice to see you!!!! It is very nice. Your pictures are so cute. You guys look good together for sure. I gotta put my monsters to bed because it is getting late or I would say alot more. But what are you showing off in your hands and where were you guys???

Couple of Pics

2010-04-15T21:17:00.000-06:00

WOW!

2010-04-05T13:48:00.004-06:00

First, let me say that I am WOW'd right now cause I can't believe that you are back on here. Secondly, I am SO glad to see you back.

Now, onto the important stuff, although I may only have a couple of minutes, Caleb is being a bad boy and REFUSES to lay down. I know how this works, he will fall asleep on the way to the store for grocery shopping. Crys, I am telling you, I am doing something seriously wrong with him. Look at Gab, she is such a good girl and lays down to take naps. I am just not a good mother.

Anyways, about your posts this is what I can tell you. Rather than doing it for you 100% I think you do it somewhat for John so he will notice you. Secondly, I think that you are looking at this as a marathon weight loss thing, rather than a walk in the park with a change in lifestyle. I think we need to make more of a conscious decision to eat the way our bodies NEED to be fed, not what they WANT to be fed. We have to make consicous momeny by moment decisions. A friend has told me that those are called M&M decisions. I know you can do it, as hard as it is. Trust me I am right back with you. I think I am inevitably stuck at 218 or so. But I know that about 80% of the time, I don't care, because I see nothing happening with things when I do eat right, so why even try. I think you can relate.

I think, that for 2 months we should give it an honest whirl to sit down and make menus and then report if we stayed on those menus or not. Write down what we strayed with. I know that you've got the WW cookbook as I do, and I have a heart healthy cookbook that I can get recipies out of.

Goodness, I think Caleb is finally laying down for nap at 2pm!

So, onto other things. (Not that I am blowing off your weight problem.) I think that you should take some steps with me. I haven't talked to you in depth lately, but I have started reading many books about our great and glorious Lord. I am currently reading a book called "Get out of that Pit." And I don't have the author handy but I will get it to you. Basically it tells you what you can do to get yourself out of the pit of life that we are in. Whether it be because of a past experience that threw us into one, or if we got ourselves into one on our own. It is all about the deliverance of Gods word. I know that you go to church and you receive that everytime, but sometimes it is nice to just sit and be alone with a book and connect with what it is saying and then spend a couple of good warm minutes alone with Him. I also have 2 devotional books that I try and read every morning. If for whatever reason I don't get to read them, then when I do get a chance again, I read from the last day to the present day. Sometimes it really hits the nose on the head with what I needed to hear.

I find myself talking a lot to God. Just a conversation, sometimes praying and asking for guidance. I find peace through that. Today I was having a hard time with anxieties and stuff, but I just told God I couldn't handle them on my own and low and behold he took them from me. I am no longer worrying about things right now, and I feel so much lighter. Jeff and I went with his mom to Easter mass on Saturday night, and goodness was it a full house and there were 29 sacraments given (baptisms, first communions, confirmations, and wedding vow renewals). It was such a beautiful thing to see. It made Jeff and I look into each others eyes, and at the same time we said "We want that." It's just been amazing the last couple of weeks.

In addition, 99% of the time I listen to KLOVE. I really love Casting Crowns, Matthew West, and some other ones. Songs that are really touching me right now, and many times help me carry through is "The Motions" and "That's what Faith can do". I don't know if you even care for that type of music, but you know I didn't either until one day there was nothing on the radio and I was parusing for music and found that song "The Motions." It moved me in ways I can't even explain, but it spoke right to my soul.

So anyways, off my soap box now. :)

Caleb is out like a light, of course I feel bad cause he had such a hard time going down and I started getting irritated with him. I didn't yell at him but I think he could feel the tension rising in me. It just makes me such a bad mother. Oh goodness Crys, you should see my house right now. Usually it looks like and F2 tornado hit it, today it looks like an F5 that tore through with a stint of a Tsunami. I don't even know where to begin, and I start my 12 hour shifts tomorrow.

Ugh! Oh well, God will give me the strength and the time to do it. My house is far less important than me taking care of my family.

Ok girlie, I am going to go get those cookbooks and I will post on here our menu for the two weeks.

Love and miss sometimes hours at a time and sometimes day by day, but never longer than that.

Jenn

thinking out loud....

2010-04-05T11:05:00.002-06:00

Okay. I thought that I was not going to have a few minutes so I threw that up there but gab is sleeping and this is important to me so I am going to take a minute. I am so angry with myself. I know that the last two months have been really bad and that I should not be so hard on myself but I gained so much weight back it seems I mean eight pounds is alot. And I really worked hard to lose it and just let it go and threw my hands up as if I said I surrender. Why do I do this over and over? I get so close to my goal. THen I just let it all go and have to start over. I know it isnt like I gained it all back but really 160 is heavy for me. because I have always been like 145 or 150 and that is what I should be before I go to the gym. You know the weight that I think I can get to and sustain without changing anything besides for my food. Then I was watching kristy alley on her stupid show that she came up with and it was just that stupid but she said something that got me thinking alot. She was getting her toes painted with a girl that worked with her that was young and from what I could tell in good shape. She was talking about how hanging out with her and hearing her talk about being fat and losing weight and having bad body imigine must effect the young thin girl. I never thought about that at all. until today. I really started thinking about what she said and wondering if part of the reason that I have these problems with my weight is that I live with someone who is weight obessed. I think that I control my weight for the most part but go off the deep end when things are out of wack with John. As if to isolate myself from him more by putting myself in a fat catergory or over eater that he doesnt belong to. I dont know it doesnt make much sense at all but in a way I have no clue why I let this happen. I see how good I am doing and then I say fuck it. and go off the deep end rather than staying with it when it isnt all that hard in the first place. I dont know. I really dont!

again......CANT Say goodbye to the 160s for my life.....

2010-04-05T10:59:00.001-06:00

Just to try to get back into this in the only fashion I can at this second.

Today

B 2 waffles one sausage and coffee w milk and sugar
S coffee
L big plate of salad with light dressing and 2 small dinner rolls very little butter that I spread on the top from when I baked them on easter.

That is it so far. no exercise but the day is not over yet. oh and by the way I weigh 160 again. and want to scream.

Love ya!

Crystal

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T06:48:00.001-06:00

I decided that I would pop in and say happy Easter to you! I miss you alot and hope that you are having a good day. I am really tired and had a very long day yesterday. I am cooking for the whole family for the first time and it is really stressful and tiring. I know that I am going to weigh a thousand pounds by monday and I am totally starting my diet again tommorrow. I hope. I think anyway. Well Darren is watching Gab so that I can wash my hair. SO I am going to have to go do that now!

Love ya and miss u daily.

Crystal

My Update/Vent

2010-03-05T07:57:00.002-07:00

Hey you,

I am sorry to that you have had such a hard time this last month with the weight thing. But you are right you have to give yourself a bit of slack because of the difficult time you've had. You will get back on the swing of things shortly. How is the move going?

I understand how you can feel so upset and scared about Gab. I have been there. Just ask lots of questions of the doctors and be sure that you have a full understand of pre-op, op, and post-op. You are her mother and you have a right to know. I can only imagine how she is going to react to the men in white coats after what they are going to put her through. She already has a steady dislike for them and now this, OH BOY! But watch she is going to grow up and be a doctor!

I am hoping that Bird is doing ok dealing with CMT's. I know that Autumn is already have anxiety over her SAT tests that are coming up in April. But Bird has a good head on his shoulders and I am sure he is going to do fine. He is like his mama!

So, I want to know what the docs are saying about Donna. I know you don't have time to answer in a text, but if you could please give me a good solid update here when you get a chance I would appreciate it. Have you been able to go see her lately, I really hope so.

So, moving onto me. I don't want you to stress about it, but maybe this will give you something else to think about than all the difficulties in your life.

So, where to start....

Ummm.....

Okay, jumping in with my emotional imbalance/unrest at this time. Something is off with me. I am very angry. I am angry about life in general. I hate work (more on this to come), I hate being at home, I hate that I am so far behind in school right now I am drowning. I hate living here, I told Jeff I have this pit-of-my-stomach feeling that it is time for us to move on. At times I want to sit down and cry, at other times I want to blow up and start yelling at people. I actually left work early yesterday because all day I was so pissed off and I had to keep biting my tongue because if not I was going to go postal. I took today off to see if I can get myself back in sync.

Now, onto my homeostasis being off. I have been getting headaches that make me dizzy and very tired. I've had 2 of them so far. Well 2 days after the last one, I was driving home from the store and almost ran a stop sign, something I have never done. Then yesterday, Jeff and I left at the same time and headed the same direction, and I almost rear-ended him. I can't seem to eat right. Either I want to eat junk food or I don't want to eat at all. When I do eat, my stomach hurts. I also cannot seem to drink anything. I have drank maybe 6oz a day for the past 3 days. I am so dehydrated it is crazy.

The work thing. Oh my God. I am so pissed. Okay, Kimble (a supervisor) had told me to talk to Jenny (the director) about moving up now that I am certified. So, I did. She had told me that she didn't know about me wanting to be a TAC (NCIC) but SHE was going to ask me about going through a week long class to become a Certified Training Officer. So, I went to her the other day after talking with her about all this and she told me that Kimble jumped the gun and sent out an e-mail to the three people HE wanted as CTO's. She told me she didn't agree with his selections and made him retract the e-mail. Well gues who WASN'T one of the people to receive that e-mail? You got it sister................ME! Jenny proceeded to tell me that we are going to have to go through a selection process. In which they will be selecting people based on what you're doing now in your job, whether or not you go the extra mile during the day, your punctuality and attendance, your attitude towards your job and so forth.

In addition. We don't have a shift supervisor on Thursdays. So, yesterday, Stephanie (kind of a CTO) was put in charge of the shift. She wouldn't let me work APD, I was again on 911. Now to get you to understand I have only worked APD one time and County one time since we moved into the new facility on the 18th of February. Other than that I have worked 911, but I am not good enough to train one of the new girls on 911, Brandi (a dispatcher) is. It irritates, hurts, and pisses me off that I am being overlooked. I can't even begin to let Jenny know what I am capable of because I am never given the chance. I cannot for the life of me figure out what the hell I am doing wrong. Why am I not good enough? Why can someone not give me the slightest chance? Well never-the-less yesterday when Stephanie told me that I was working 911 I threw down my keys and got some serious attitude. So, that will go against me on the above thing about the CTO. And yes, Jenny will find out because Stephanie and Jenny are good friends outside of work, and I am sure that Stephanie sent an e-mail about my bad attitude. Do you see why I needed to leave yesterday and take off today?

You know what makes me so mad about this too, is the lying and backstabbing that goes on. I also hate that there is favortism. I have never been a favorite of anyone's and never will be, and because of that I am never going to be looked at.

So, I have taken this to Jeff and this is what he has suggested. Jenny had sent an e-mail out asking for suggestions on how to work the schedule. So, right now I am sitting down trying to do a mock schedule on how things could work in a theoretical setting. I thought I was smart enough to do it, but let me tell you it is very difficult. I never thought it would be so hard. I am about 1/2 done with one month. In addition, because Jenny wants to know what a CTO would bring to the program and offer the trainee, he thinks I need to put something together in writing about all that I can bring. I don't even know where to start.

The questions that I have in here are rhetorical and not meant for you to try and answer them. I am really just venting.

Crys, I am so pissed, confused, and upset that I am having a hard time dealing with my Caleb. He is so active, into everything, and it is just causing more stress. I am fidning myself raising my voice at him, and getting very irritated. This is not fair to him at all. I am really trying not to get so upset. He is just a baby and doesn't know any better. That is why I am here, to teach him.

Now, add into all of this that my house is always a mess, there is always piles and piles of laundry to do. I feel so overwhelmed. My mind is always reeling with so much stuff. I feel so much like I just want to pick up and runaway.

On a positive note, Jeff and I have started something new. Every night, we sit with the kids, and read a couple of passages from the New Testament. Jadon and Autumn are really into it. Codey couldn't care less and of course Caleb doesn't sit back and listen. Then Jeff and I sit down and read a chapter from the book "The Love Dare". Which we missed last night because I am off kelter and my stomach was killing me. Understandably he was so upset about that.

Okay girlie, I think that is all right now. I know it's alot. Don't try and take everything in, you worry about everything that is going on in your life right now, it's a lot. Right now I wish more than anything that I was close to you. I think that we could both use each other, and yet we are so far apart.

Jenn

updating

2010-03-02T21:09:00.002-07:00

SO I have not been doing a good job at all with my eating and I feel really bad but I have to figure out a way to get back to the way that I was. The thing is that I keep saying to myself that I will just continue to go along with the waiting till things are over and then start again. But the problem is that things are dragging out so long and what I think the bottom line is that no matter what there is going to be a ton of stress over the next few months so saying that I am going to wait until the stress goes away is not going to work.

I had a really stressful day today and am worried about my little gab. I cant even talk about it. Everyone keeps telling me how worried they are and then I tell them oh she will be fine dont worry but then who is there to tell me that she will be okay? This sucks.

Bird has CMTs this week and next week and I feel bad for him to because this is the most stress that we have right now with the move and donna and everything and for him to have the CMTs now sucks.

But we will get through it I guess.

Love ya.

hey

2010-02-24T14:17:00.002-07:00

So i know that I have been gone for a long while and sorry about that. I have fallen off the diet train hard. I have missed weight watchers last week and I am not going to be happy going there this week because I have gained two pounds back. I am not happy but I feel as if this hasbeen such a bad month that I need to be fair to myself. I am not going to talk to much right now but we will talk soon. here anyway I hope in real life sooner.

Crystal

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-14T20:22:00.002-07:00

So I probally just gained about two pounds back from the way that I ate today but I have to say that today will be my cheat day and I have taken all the extra points that weight watchers has given me and then some I think and ate them all up in one night. That being said it was worth it! I had the best steak tonight and mashed potatos and salad and bread and butter and fried mozerella oh boy the list goes on and on....

Whatever.

And it was just me and john and you know what it was really nice. We were still somber and the topics of conversation could not be too lively but it was good. And I had a good time.

I am glad that you are back home as I am sure that you are too. I am staying up late because I am going to be watching big love soon and I cant wait. It is on at 11:30 so I hope I make it another hour and then hour after that.

Talk with you soon I hope and please continue to pray for us. Because while this message was a little happier it is still not a even close to happy time for us.

Talk with you soon. Hey did you ever get to look at all the pictures and posts that I had on here while you were gone???

HOpe so.

Love ya! Oh and bird says hi and happy valentines day!

C

thank god

2010-02-14T07:39:00.001-07:00

your home.

Checking in

2010-02-13T19:59:00.001-07:00

Hey you, just want to check in on you real fast and see how you are doing. I know that you are coping, and that is all that can be expected. Remember that I am here for you if you need me.

I am still thinking and praying everyday for everyone involved..

I am glad to hear that your weight is down! Way to go! I am going to get back to working on that now that I am back from Santa Fe for good.

I will talk to you soon.

Miss you lots love ya bunches.

Jenn

things

2010-02-13T09:15:00.001-07:00

Ahh things.

Are the same. Today we have a meeting with the docs again and I know that it will not be a good one. We will see I will let you know what they say later on. I am alright for now.

I am wondering what the heck my life is going to be like once all the pieces from this get picked up. I dont know.

Talk with you later on.

sharing my good news with a side of guilt

2010-02-12T07:36:00.001-07:00

I am 152 today and it feels really good. BUT I feel really bad being happy with that seeing as there are such bigger problems in the world.

John asked me today who I am losing the weight for as he always is a ball breaker and I said what is true.

I am losing weight for me. Because I dont want my heart to work harder than it should have to. And so there for my goal is to be in the healthy range for my height and no longer be over weight at all. So I need to be in between 118 and 141. I know that 118 is too thin for me and what I think I should be. So I will be happy with 141. With an offical goal of 135.

K gotta go change gab.

love ya.

all I can tell yah...

2010-02-11T11:35:00.002-07:00

WEll.

We are still in a state of nothing.

Days are passing and we almost going into weeks here and nothing has changed. The thing that I keep thinking is that if britt is going to say keep her alive do what you need to do...then that is her choice but WHY not then speak up and say lets start therapy and whatnot. Do not just sit there with everything like hanging by a thread but who am I to say. I am just the sister in law and I have had the whole let's do what is best for Donna talk and then I pulled out. I cannot look like someone who is encouraging death over life. I of course would prefer her to live but what is living.... certaintly not lying in a bed.

Let me try to update you on me so that we can talk about something other than the elephant sitting on my soul with his trunk wrapped tightly around my neck....

I am doing shitty with my diet. By some miracle I think that I havent really gained much. I am 155.0 this Am and that is up from the 153 whatever I was but whatever is the word. I basically took a week off and when I go back to the meeting tonight I am going to try to take with me a new found energy to get back on board with this thing.

I have to get to the gym as well which now is put on hold even more due to the elephant again.

I have to find a home daycare or mom with a kid gabs age that I really like. Which is going to be REALLLY hard but I need more options. Because it is going to get really hard to get to work everyday since Heather is starting up her regular job again soon and needs to be around alot less when that starts up. She works at a seasonal restaurant. My goodness my brain is on slow. It took me forever to spell some of the words that I just typed and god knows how many are wrong.

I have been taking Xanxax that is right world I AM ON DRUGS! But Jenn it is helping and I cant deal any other way so it is what it is.

My stupid ass nail broke this morning and I gotta get it fixed beforeI chew all the other ones off so that they will match.

My gram is making me lunch tommorrow. It will be cabbage.

Gab's Pt is coming tommorrow to consult with me and look at her arches in her feet to determine if her little feet still look flat. My poor girl. They look good to me. But I am just an ass.....lol... That is my apperivation in the computer for my position......lol.

Okay the other day in rite aid I saw something that made me laugh so hard.....

The singing fish that sings give me back that filet of fish give me that fish....So stinkn funny.

I got in a little tiff with my dad the other day because he never calls me and he told me that I NEVER CALL ANYONE....and that my gramma has been waiting to here from me for two weeks. lol. I talk to her every day I told you she is going crazy.

WEll FUCK everyone.

That is what I have to say.

FUCK THEM ALL.

If they do not want to call me then Fuck um.

I cant even be bothered one more day.

So...I guess you can say. i am doing better. Moving into the angry stage. The thing that makes no sense is that I am coming to terms with the death but there still hasnt been one. I think I am coming to terms ( not over it just passed denial and shock) with the loss but havent had to deal with the DEATH itself yet. Does that make any sense???

Done.

update..

2010-02-07T13:09:00.001-07:00

My life sucks right now.

I weigh 153.2 so thats good but I feel bad that I can say that when I am so sad on so many levels. I am not sure how I am going to recover from this one. But I can tell you this. Donna wanted me and my family to be happpy. So come hell or high water that is what I am working towards.

She is still here. No change. She is peacful on the vent with eyes closed but its not fair. She shouldnt have to sit like that. She is not responding to anything today. Not when I tickle her feet even. I dont know.

THis is the third biggest loss of my life. My mom and pop and her....It is brutal because it is all the people that I loved so dearly. I dont get it.

I sware Jenn I wish you lived in Ct. I miss you so much. But dont feel like you should try to fly here or anything like that (Because I know you have thought about it because I know you) I would never want to waste any of our time crying and since that is all I am good for right now. I would be said to waste our time.

K pray for us that we get through this and that Donna that she is not in any pain at all because I would hate it if she was.

God please take care of my dear sister.

crashing down around me...

2010-02-03T07:30:00.001-07:00

Our world is being shaken and our life challenged.

My sister in law is dying.

My weigh, though on the back burner is good and I will try to use this loss so far as yet another reason to stay thin.

Let's pray that whatever god's plan is that it is what is best for Donna and stops her pain. We cant be selfish here but that being said I know she did not want to die.

She wanted to live.

But she wasnt doing that either.

down a bit more....

2010-01-29T20:32:00.003-07:00

WEll updating you on whats going on with my attempts to be healthy. I am doing well.t another pound and a half according to weight watchers I am 158.0 and at my house I am 155.8. I am really glad that I am on the way back down. Like I told you as soon as I weigh less that 153 then i will feel like I am really losing weight again because that was where I was when you came to see me and then I fell off the wagon and I have to get back on. I hope that things are okay with you and that you are at home with your family by now. I know that you are going to be very busy with them seeing as you want to give them all your time. I understand so dont worry about it but just know that I miss you dearly and look forward to talking to you soon.

Love ya girlie....

Oh by the way I am not without fault. I ate two cupcakes tonight and lasgna. It was my brother's b day and he came over for dinner and tommorrow is Darren's and my sister;s so I am going to have a hard weekend!

Crystal

the big moment....

2010-01-28T10:34:00.002-07:00

army brat...

2010-01-26T22:05:00.002-07:00

SO I made this soup today and it was weight watchers but the dumb thing was so good that I ate like ten bowls of it and I ate it at night! I know very bad. Let's just hope that tommorrow I dont get on the scale having gained like two pounds because that would really suck and I have to go to weight watchers in a few days (thursday) and I do not want to have gained wieght back and I really want to have lost more so. That being said.

I just got done watching teen mom. It is this show on MTV about these teen mothers and their stories. i feel for them all but there is this one couple that gave their baby up for adoption and I was so upset to see on the MTV blog that people are talking trash about them. Oh my good ness it is so not nice. This poor little couple are going through so much and feel bad every day about what they did and if they did the right thing and then to have people say mean things like oh they just did not want to take care of their kid blah blah blah that is Bull shit. I think that they did the best that they could and the fact that they are still together six months later and trying to make things the best that they can be shows that they were not just looking for an easy way out. And to top it off they both come from like nothing and the girl who now lives with the boy because her own mother went and got a one bedroom apt like 40 miles away from her and was like oh yeah we want you to come with us.... WHat? How can you get a one bedroom and be like peace out to your 17 year old.....WHo had to go live with her boyfriend then. Gee and this is the same mom that thought that she should keep the baby. Then where would the baby and her fit in with her and her redneck drunk boyfriend? Grr. I just feel bad for the girl. THey are just babies themselves like you and me when we were first mommies.

Babies with Babies.....

We didnt do all that bad!

I hope that you are having a good time being all mil a tar reee you are probally gonna get all crazy skinny. You should just have them let you do drill too it can be your own little training camp! LOL I was just telling my sister this today that I would love to be on biggest loser for like a week. Do you know this guy lost 34 pounds this week on there. 34 pounds in one week!!! Of course he was 526 to start but still good god! That is a TON of weight!

ANyways besides for the over eating with the soup I did good. Tommorrow will be a test to because we have our staff meeting and during those I always do bad. SO I am going to be bringing my own food and praying for will power! My sister was over today and she is still maintianing the 140 weight that she is at and she was complaining that she wants to lose ten more pounds. I told her that I would LOVE to be 140 and it is so true! I have twenty pounds on her still and she is bitching...GRR. She has to tell me her secret. She said go to italy with no car and climb a mountain every day two and from class and eat no fast food. There you go. LOL.

ANyways, Gab is doing good. I feel like I never tell you about her anymore so I am going to take a few minutes to tell you some of what she does now and days. She counts that is for one.lol So this is her....One two three four six seven eight nine.... SHe must not like multiples of five....lol. She will say it some times! SHe names colors like crazy but rarely gets them right but she is always trying she will bring somethin up to me and be like green! and its pink but goof try momma! She loves to play in the water and says swim swim swim kick kick kick while pretending to swim. She loves her baby dolls and has named them all baby shawn. THe other day at the library we saw a baby that was crawling around and she had to come home and crawl and act like a baby. It is the funniest thing. THen there is the rolling and running. SHe loves to roll and scream at the same time....SO she looks like a coo cooo bird but its cute and she runs around and around the house screaming one two three over and over.... WHen we pull onto our street she says HOME! ANd I mean the start of the street like 200 ft from home. She is now talking like crazy and says own room at the condo...... SHe is loving her gym class and is doing really well making friends with people. She said hi to like ten random strangers today at mcdonalds wow! She is not a big eater but will try whatever. She loves ketchup and chicken and sryup with sausage.... There is a commerical on tv that she HATES it is the one with the mistole and it is a warning not to drive drunk God she runs from that commerical.....

K now to be far bird.....

BIrd is becoming so big! It is his birthday this weekend and I sware he grew like ten inches. He looks more slender but did not lose weight so there for I know for sure that he is growing up higher! It is wild how fast it happens. He has been so sweet and such a big boy lately. WE are going to that concert really soon and he cant stop telling people about it! I have to take him out this sat for his birthday. It should be fun. He is getting very into wearing Jeans and my gram got him a pair that he LOVES....But I have to get him some more because he hated them for so long that he does not have a lot of them. He is getting really excited about the move and wants to make new friends and go to his new school soon. I am glad because today when we drove through the condo lot there was no lie like 6 boys with different parents in the complex. Like one on a scooter.... Two walking in the house with their mom, one at his door and two getting in the car with their mom I was like YEAH! I hope Bird makes really great friends there and that there are a few little girls too~!

K girlie I gotta hit the hay. I hope you at least get to read but never worry about being short I TOTAlly get it! You be good army brat.

C

roll call????

2010-01-26T12:04:00.002-07:00

Roll call? Holey cow your at miltary school! Well good for you for getting there and doing it! I hope that you are learning alot and that it is going well. I miss talking to you too! I am doing okay but I have a horrible headache right now but I am hoping that it will fade soon. I had another car issue and it was some converter part or whatever and what it ended up doing is costing me another 400 dollars. All I can do is pray that I get a good tax return so that I can get these bills back down. Grr...

I owe 2500 to cap one
1500 to Raymore and Flannigan
1500 to pilgrim furtinure
500 to walmart.....

So all that together I hope to pay them all down to half which means I need to clear.....about 3500 from my tax return after the first time buyer credit because I have to give that right to John. Lets pray that I get that. Then I can feel better about having to use the cards so much recently.

Anyway I am paying the minimums so that is all set as a matter of fact I am paying over the mins so I am still in good shape i just dont like the feeling of having it all over my head you know?
Anyway the diet is going well. I ate the bast soup today but I ate a ton of it. It was alot! But it was healthy and is sopposed to be a point a cup from weight watchers and I am guessing that it was about 7 to 8 points by the time I was done. It was really good.

I hope that your family is doing well and that you are getting to talk to them a little bit! Feel free to talk to them here if you think that would help and then jeff can read it to them that was you can fill us all in at the same time!

K miss you!

Crystal

Exhausted

2010-01-25T19:27:00.003-07:00

Hey girlie, just want to check in with you real fast and see how you are doing. Hope you are doing well. I miss talking to you like crazy, and of course I miss you.

I am doing ok. I am exhausted. I am not used to going to bed so late. I am not allowed to lay down until after 9pm, and I have to be up at like 530 so I can go eat breakfast. I know it seems like a long time but for some reason not right now. I am also not used to sitting in a classroom all day. I am used to being very busy and stuff, so it is a big change.

I enjoyed my first day. It was a lot of fun.

I really hate to be so short and non-informative, but I am going to work on my homework and then I am going to do roll call and go to bed.

Remember, love and miss you lots.

Jenn

Oh boy

2010-01-24T21:20:00.002-07:00

Hey beautiful,

Sorry to hear that you had a hard day with the eating thing, but there is always tomorrow. I ate bad today as well, on the way up here we stopped at Red Lobster and I ate the coconut shrimp. Then for dinner we only had like 45 minutes and they weren't serving it here, so we went to Burger King and I got the grilled chicken sandwich and onion rings with a Dr. Pepper. But, I didn't eat but 5 of the onion rings, and didn't touch the Dr. Pepper at all.

I did make it to Santa Fe ok. There are 3 of us up here so it is nice not to be alone! I think it is going to be a lot of work but very fun. It is so military like, we have to clean our own dorm, make our beds from scratch and so on. But, it is only 3 weeks, I think I can survive! I of course can't wait for Friday to come so I can go home to my family.

You can text me but I want to let you know that I am not able to have my phone with me from 630 in the morning until 500 at night. So, if you text I will probably not respond until after 730 my time because after we get out of class at 5 we can go out and eat and stuff until 730. I just don't want you to think that I am ignoring you, I am just restricted from even having it on my person. .

The condo is looking beautiful! I can't believe it and I know it is a sin to be jealous, but girl that is what I am. But, in the same turn I am so happy for you. You finally own your own home! Hey, what is going on with your car? I would hate for you to have to incur a car payment.

Alrighty girl I really don't have much more to say. I will try and jump on here for at least a couple minutes to let you know how things are going and that I haven't forgotten about you.

Love ya,

Jenn

leaving town......U r.....

2010-01-24T21:03:00.003-07:00

SO I did not eat all that good today. I did good most of the day but the thing is I had a chef salad and there is so much cheese and salmi in there. grr I did not eat it all but still.

Then big love was on tonight and I ate some crackers then. ANyway I went over my points but it is okay. I will do good tommorrow and you do get extra points so I am not really out of points. I am okay. I just ate more than I wanted to...Blah Blah Blah

I hope that things are okay for you and that you got out to your destination okay. I will text you tommorrow as I am sure that you are beat from the ride. But if you see this know that I am thinking about you.

I am following a new blog and I am really liking it. I have been following them for a long while since Kayliegh and then april rose and all that. But the name of the blog is Catherine and Hannah angels in heaven...Or something like that I can try to get you the exact link.

But anyway, this couple has had such a hard time. THey were not married until very recently but had tried twice to have a child over the last few years and lost both girls due to different reasons. One little one was born and lived for a bit and almost came home but passed away because of a heart defect very quickly and the other little one was born asleep. (that's there saying). Well they are now married and still trying and expecting a little boy. She is only 13 weeks but found out already. WOW. SHe does video blogs and all that and I am just praying for her like crazy. I thought you might like to follow it too because I think it can be a very heart warming thing to see them finally have a healthy baby. Also mom Rachel has a bicornal uterus and they think that might have something to do with the troubles for the past. But she is being watched like crazy this time.....If she can hang in for another 14 weeks is.....SHe will bring a baby home this time. I hope she makes it much longer!

Okay girl....I cant believe big love tonight was sso crazy. I know you dont watch it but it was nuts! One of the "moms" Margine the youngest one who is 25 ish kissed her sister wifes son who is 21 is and she is sopposed to be his mom....ooops... THis is gonna get wild.

K lovey...

C

The longest minutes ever

2010-01-22T11:36:00.003-07:00

SO I have been telling you this song and dance about how I can never work out because I dont get to the gym but I am devoting at least ten or fifteen minutes a day to high intensity exercise in the house. This is going to allow me to get 2 activity points a day for weight watchers. My goal is still to get to the gym of course but so far today has been good. THose minutes are so long!

SO I going to get off and relax a bit but I will come back later on. This computer is the one that jumps all over the page when you are typing so it is a pain to use. I will be back later! I hope you at least have access to a computer when you are away so that I can have you read to know I think about you and how I am doing with all this....

K love ya!

Crystal

pound cake

2010-01-21T08:46:00.001-07:00

Hey girlie.

I lost a pound. I stopped at the stupid place to weigh in before I went to work and I did it one more pound. Whoo hoo. Did I tell you that my landlord is the person that weighs me in? It is so weird. Oh what is even worse is that after that I had to go make a deposit fast at the bank and I am all wearing my weight watchers name tag when the sexy but clearly gay bank teller was talking to me and knew my name I was like Shit and I said it out loud and ripped the tag off. What a moron. LOL.

I thought it would give you a giggle.

Anyway, I am trying to set up a meeting with the high up in the birth to three system so that she and I can look over this stupid portfolio together and there will be no surprises in store for me! I am getting there though. It is all together and then I read the guidelines and realized that it all needs to be single pages and you know I doubled them up and now I need yet again a bigger binder. I am telling you the thing is 20 pounds already. What a pain in the ass I cannot wait for it to be done.

So last night was not a good night in my world. Things are really tense in my house with the money that is being put into the condo and this floor guy that is on pills or whatever because he never comes when he says that he is going to this all is a great excuse for me to have to be on pins and needles in my house.

Whatever I asked for I guess. I am on the five year plan.....In five years I will have the money and the kids will be older yadayada and he can take the condo and .....

Okay you get it.

Love you for always lovin me dispite my inablilty to break free......

C

sorry you have a cold.....and little guy too.....

2010-01-20T20:35:00.002-07:00

Hey Pretty friend of mine....who leaves a smile on my face every time she says hello! You are such a great friend and you really know how to get me feeling better. I think that you are right about saying good things in my head about myself. It would be nice if I had someone in my life that said it to me you know but thats where you come in and Boom......Nice things are said. You are a great friend and person and very pretty too my love.....

So the rest of the day was fine....I had a ton of shit to do for the portfolio and newsletters for work and my case load is low so I have to get paper pushing done....You know. It stinks.

I am glad to see that you are not off and away from your family. You belong at home when Jeffery is not. lol. But at least this was Caleb will be almost two by then and that will be really good huh. Older the better for your trip I am thinking.

K I ate okay for the rest of today. I did of course have pizza for dinner and that was not all that good but I took most of the stupid cheese off. THe thing that I need to do is go to the gym. I get so mad. I think that I am going to start taking clothes with me and when ever I am driving from visit to visit try to fit in any time at the gym that I can. Grr.

Did you ever get a chance to look at the website with the weight watcher crap?

Ok girlie..

Love ya

Way to go

2010-01-20T18:57:00.002-07:00

Crys,

Hey girlie, I am so proud of you for doing so well with the weight watcher thing! You are doing so well! Keep up the good work. Just remember that if you fall off the wagon, there is always your next meal, next day, and next week. It is just once.

You DO NOT look bad in any of your pictures, I think you look thin and beautiful! It is just self-perception that's all. You may want to consider doing positive self affirmations to help rebuild your self esteem. You are a beautiful woman with many beautiful features: your eyes, your hips, your hair, your smile, I could go on and on.

I had to go to El Paso today to take Caleb to the Dr. He has the common cold, nothing that requires an antibiotic. He has graciously passed it to me. So, to say the least I am beat.

I have not done perfect on my eating, but I could be doing worse. I will be back on the wagon tomorrow. I will say that I did not eat at a fast food restaurant today, I ate Denny's french toast this morning and a lite lunch from Applebees this afternoon. I could have done Sonic and Whataburger, but didn't.

I hate to keep this so short, but I also have a discussion question waiting for me for school.

Oh, really fast I will not be going to the academy come April, the FBI rejected my prints again, so I had them done via ink and sent them off for the April class. So, we shall see if I go in April. I see it as an omen, Jeff was going to be out of town at the same time as I, and I was not comfortable with that at all. This way I will be home with the kids, and we will get to celebrate our anniversary together as well.

Oh, and I bet you CAN get your portfolio done BEFORE your birthday.

Love you bunches, and miss you lots.

Jenn

one more thought

2010-01-20T12:48:00.001-07:00

hey girl one more thing by the way this is part two of today. Last year we posted 358 times WOW! Lets try to get over 400 this year. lol. WIth the rate I am going you better getting typing. I will get better.

I always feel like SOMEBODY WATCHING ME>>>!

2010-01-20T12:37:00.002-07:00

SO this is what I look like right now at 159 pounds at home and whatever 160.6 that weight watchers thinks that I am. I think that I should just go there and put photos because maybe that might scare me into having to make a change because you can see if I did not. What do you think? I am sure that you think that I am nuts but there is something to be said that someone somewhere might be looking at our blog and there for they might say wow she really is losing weight or wow this heffer is not getting it right. lol. I think that will shake me up a bit. So that was me last night. Trying to take a nice picture of myself and then I realized that in all and I mean all of my cell phone pics I look really bad. Is that just me? GOd I hope not.

ANyway today I did really good with my eating so far of course last night I fell off the deep end and ate like shit. I made this really good pasta with Cheese and veggies and I had no business making it but you know what I did and it was heavenly so at night when I was all alone in my room I got hungry and what do you think I went down to get you got it macaroni.....so bad so bad.....

Today was good though and I know I am not going to have lost any weight this week at weight watchers between the stupid thing I did last night and the friggin night bird and I went to the movies yeah really bad.

Guess what on Feb 16th I am taking bird to see breaking benjamins and three days grace at the casino. I think it will be so much fun! I hope I lose 5 more pounds by then lol. It is so hard to think of any of these pounds as loses too because I was 153 when you came down and I cant start really losing again before I am below that. Or that is what it feels like anyway.

I sent out my grad school application! I am on a mission mission mission with the portfolio! I am going to say that the thing will be done before my birthday. WE will see if I can do that and when I say before I mean signed sealed and delivered and out of this house off of this chair for good. I feel like the whole thing for school is really in gods hands whatever he wants for me will be with that and I guess I have to have that attitude with this too! I have no idea what I will do with myself when both of these huge tasks are done with in my life. Hey did you ever go away? Are you still at home. I am the worse friend in the world.

WEll my condo is coming out so good. I am going to go there tonight and take pics because this is nuts you need to see them. I will take pictures of everything tonight for sure and post it here.

I love you always and will always be here for you even though it sure as hell seems like I fell off the planet. You will never be replaced....

Muah

hey Jenn...Miss you....

2010-01-18T20:27:00.003-07:00

So I am doing good with weight watchers. I blasted threw all my extra points this week and probally more because I took Darren to the movies and we ate candy and nachos. Not good but oh I am not sure if it will hurt me as long as I do good for the rest of the week you know. I hope you are doing well too. I wrote my letter to southern and I am just fine tuning it now. So if you get a chance read it over.

How are you? I miss you.

Things are crazy right now but tommorrow I plan to send out all this SCSU stuff and then its moving on to the portfolio. Once that is down I will feel so much better.

Love you chicke....

let me know what you think....

2010-01-18T13:13:00.000-07:00

As a little girl I wrote a letter to Santa that was posted in the New Haven Register amidst all the other children that wrote in. The letters spoke of goodies and toys that children dreamed of at night, all but my own. In my letter I asked Santa to help my mom with money and give my toys to the children that were poor and had none. My mother saved that newspaper and was so proud of the clear differences between mine and all the others. Even as a young child I saw the world and its inequalities. I looked to make changes for those who I could help and give to those who did not have. One person that needed my help greatly was my mother herself. My mother had epilepsy and bipolar disorder. The symptoms of my mother’s illnesses were under control however several times a year she would have “spells”. I learned to care for my younger siblings and to ask for help from those adults in my life that I trusted. I would never forget how important those adults were to me. The counselors and social workers that I knew at school could listen to the challenges I faced at home and supported me when I cried. Patsy, Susan, and Ann my counselors that helped me saw that I wanted to make something of myself. I started taking classes in high school that furthered my knowledge of the helping professions. I took psychology, multiculturalism, sociology, and child development and through these courses I realized I belonged in the helping field.

The years after high school were very busy for me. I had a child at a young age and struggled to keep our family out of poverty. I still maintained the ownership over my mother’s well being. Counting her pills and attending Doctors visits were part of my everyday life. I was asked several times if what I was studying in school was medicine due to the fact that my knowledge of my mother’s plan of care was so precise. I see these tasks in my young life as preparing me for case management. I learned the details of my mother’s care and maintained it quite well but the medications took their toll on my mother’s health and shortly after I graduated from Southern Connecticut State University my mother passed away in her sleep. I do not remember much after her death but that it hurt more than I could have ever imagined a person could hurt. I did not think that I could ever move on in my life for I’d lost someone that was part of the fiber of my being. At my mother’s funeral I sat in front getting hugs and kisses from people saying they were “sorry for my loss” and “knew that God had a plan”. In their words I felt no ease from the pain. My eyes were dry with the loss of tears from the days that just past and my knees were weak. Then I saw them. Patsy, Ann, and Susan were there. It had been years since I last saw them and here they were for me again. I sat with them and felt their love as they held my hand in silence. I turned to my grandmother and told her “These are the women that made me who I am, who helped me finish school and get to grow into the woman I am”. I remember as Patsy hugged me she said to me “the only one you have to thank is yourself for you did it all yourself.” I can remember the importance of them being there for me that day. The fact that these women were there affirmed for me that you can have people in your life that are there to support you when you are facing challenges that do not want anything back in return.

It took a few years for me to see it but the truth is that I am aware that this is a place I have come to in my life because of my hard work and determination. I have recovered from the loss of my mother and focused on myself and my family. I was not afraid to seek help in my healing and grief. One steady place for me to be supported has been my occupation. I work with a team of professionals that have guided me and taught me so much. As my abilities have strengthened my career has blossomed and I am helping families in need. In my position at Kidsteps Birth to three, I focus on education within families with a child showing a delay in any developmental area. My role in an Early Intervention Associate is not limited to just the education of the child but rather the wellbeing of the family. I help families gain access to the system and what can help them maintain their basic needs. I have filled out welfare forms with clients whom cannot read them on their own or reach out and ask for help when they were in abusive situations. Working with social workers within the home has helped me to learn what it is like to use what I have studied in classrooms out in the field. I hope to become a resource someday to others as they look to assist their clients. I want nothing more than to further my education so that I can make a dent in the world and help someone else. I know that I cannot fix it all but if I can project the gentle caring that my counselors did for me onto others in need then that will be enough. In my pursuit of my Masters in Social work I hope to learn strong strategies of intervention, the manner in which the social service system works and how to help clients obtain services to meet their needs. I would like to study cultural differences, behavioral patterns, and the hardships that different races and classes of people deal with. Learning about the differences in cultures can help me to intervene with these families who are in crisis while respecting their cultural beliefs. I want my children to look at me and see the importance of education and pursuing your dreams. My dream is to be in my own office with a client in tears who needs direction and helping that client find their way out and into the life they can have as those in my life have done for me. The rewards that I get from helping those in need are intrinsic and have no monetary number. I recently transitioned a family into the public school system and as I left her house for the last time she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said to me that I need to push forward and go on with my education. She said that she “looks at me with her child and sees the interaction not as work but as an Art”. I am looking to fine tune my artistic ability.

part 2

2010-01-16T13:30:00.002-07:00

hey read the other one first k?

She went back to sleep so I will take this moment to talk a bit more with you rather than work on what I should work on grr. I am gonna tell you the code to the weight watchers thing so you can look at it. The user name is the first par of my email address ending with the 4 and then add a 9 to that. Got it? And the password is my daughters full first name.

I hope you can get that down and then take the time to use the site for reciepts and what have you. It seems like a good tool but very similar to spark people. I think that if you join weight watchers soon it would be nice to work together but even if you didnt we always have it here!

Anyway. Tommorrow I have a date lined up with bird! We are going to the movies! And I am bringing fat free popcorn I dont care what they say! It will be hidden. lol. We are going to see the chipmunks and Heather is babysitting so we are going for sure!

Gab says bless you too! It is so cute that they are both doing that. She is funny she will say it over and over until you say thank you just to make sure you heard it. Her favorite thing to do lately is play with playdough. She loves it. She likes it when we read to her too but I feel bad we dont do it as often as we should. I read to darren ALL the time when he was little. But Gab is more a mover and a shaker than bird and so she is more into that type of stuff. She can walk up and down the stairs a thousand times by herself but I dont let her and she can run so fast that I have to run to catch her. I sware she is so light because of all the running that she does!

Yesterday I went to the Dr and I am doing well. My heart is healthy thank god. Gab is up now so I am going to go tend to her and get going to my grams you know she hates waiting for me and it is almost 4 already.

TALk to you laters.

C

hey you

2010-01-16T12:59:00.002-07:00

SO I lost 4.6 pounds this week! And according to weigh watchers I weigh 160.6. That is at night with all my clothes on so at home I am getting better numbers of course. Since there is no winter attire and no food in my belly but to be fair I am going to say that I am what weigh watchers says I am which is 160.6.

So I have been following the plan and trying really hard to stay within my points. It is going well and I am hoping for the best.

I cannot believe that you might get postponed again for the schooling. I really hope they figure it out for you so that it can be over and done with ASAP. For you and your team members that are waiting as well.

We have been in the house most of today so hanging around. Seeing as it is cold out but today it was sunny so I did throw gab in the stroller and take a twenty minute walk until she was cold and then we retired. Something was better than nothing and it was the first time it was not bitter cold out and I wanted her to get some sun! I cant wait until we live in the cleaner neighborhood where the air truly is fresh. There is really great news too about where I live there is a gym that is down the street that is open 24 hours m to Th. I am telling you I could walk there if I choose to! I am so going there all the time!

Everyone has finished their part for my grad application. My boss and the director of all of sarah both very busy people have done their part. I have to use tonight and tommorrow to finish my part and then print it all out on Monday and drive it down there myself on tuesday or wednesday. I want to be sure they have all they need before the deadline a week from this monday.

I am sorry that the books were alot that stinks. I know how that feels for sure.

My gram wants us to come over so as soon as little miss gets up we are going.

THat is so cute all the fun stuff that Caleb is doing. I need to take some time to tell you about my girl but right now she is getting up so it will have to wait.

Talk to you soon.

C

Speaking of busy

2010-01-14T12:55:00.002-07:00

Hey grlie, thank you so much for getting back to me! I feel MUCH better now that I have heard from you. I know that you are busy, I just get insecure from time to time. I am really glad to hear that I motivate you even when we don't talk much. I know that I am doing good then!

You absolutely do have to get going on those two huge projects. They are a BIG part of the rest of your life! You can do it. I think that going to the library and just getting it all done is a fantastic idea. It's quiet and you have an almost unlimited number of resources around you in case you were to need them.

I hope that tonight goes well for you. I really do hope that you have lost some weight! I am not even going to weigh myself right now, I have my montly visitor and that alwasy packs on weight, not to mention inches thanks to the water retention. So I will post next week how I am doing. I have been bad once this week for sure (we went to Chilis) and then tomorrow is Autumns birthday, so we are taking her to Applebees. I will do my best to either a) eat really well during the day and be kind of bad at night or b) eat really well during the day and indulge in a salad when we get there. Pray that I can do good!

Sorry to hear that Gab is so hard to get down at night. I know it must be a pain. Thanks for the complements on Caleb. He is for sure a good boy. He LOVES to read. He can read the same book 15 times and still ask for more. He prefers to read rather than watch t.v. or play. But I just see it as him retaining a lot of information for future use. He may not be able to verablize everything in that little head of his (although he does a REALLY good job), but one day he is going to! I feel bad when I get upset with for bugging me about reading...there are times like when I am eating or trying to clean up that he runs behind me crying "Please?" I just feel really guilty.

He's sleeping right now. He's been down for about 45 minutes and I hope he sleeps another hour or so. It was so cute this morning I sneezed and he told me "Bless you" and then I told him I loved him and he told me it back. For the most part it is really clear when he says something too, I mean he has a couple of problems with some conjunctions and linkage but for the most part he is understandable. In the past couple of days I have noticed that he is putting two or more words together. For a while now he has certain sentences that he says, but there are more about to come.

So, moving on, you want to hear something terrible? I get a call from my boss yesterday stating that I needed to go and do ANOTHER set of fingerprints for the academy because the FBI rejected them. Jenny wanted to overnight them, but they got there too late and the post office wouldn't guarantee that they would make it to Santa Fe in time. So, there is a chance that I will not be going to academy on the 24th. The state takes a furlough day on Friday and then Monday is a holiday, and the FBI needed the fingerprints by today at 5 in order to make a decision to accept them or not. If I don't get into this class, I think the next class is in March. Now, for clarification it wasn't just my prints they rejected, they rejected all 3 of ours.

I am so exhausted right now, I cleaned my living room from top to bottom and wall to wall today (minus the entertainment stand area because it is too heavy). I have done like 5 or 6 loads of laundry. I am just pooped.

HA! I need to tell you that I had my books for school and Autumns gift delivered today by UPS and when the guy rang the doorbell he said "Pizzie!" (He can't say Pizza). Now Crys, we have only ordered pizza here to the house maybe 3 times in 2 years. He's a smart little booger, let me tell you. He loves to do laundry with me. I hand him the clothes out of the washer and he puts them in the dryer, closes the door, and pushes the start button! Hopefully this stays with him as he gets older.

Well, it is official, classes started for me today. I am taking only 3 but one is a statistics course where I have to use SPSS software. I am not looking forward to this at all. I have 5 books for 3 classes...that cost $259.00. Gosh, school is so expensive.

Alrighty girl, I want to sit and relax for a bit. Caleb should/could be getting up at any time from now out to an hour.

I will talk to you soon.

Love and miss you lots,
Jenn

busy busy busy...

2010-01-14T12:21:00.002-07:00

Hey Jenn.

So sorry that I have not posted. Grr I really mean to get on the computer. I am so tired at night and getting gab down has been a real big challenge because there is no real routine now with the bedroom being such a joke right now. So I am just so beat by the time I get her down that I dont even take out the computer.

I hope you got my text. The pics you sent me were so cute. Caleb is almost as long as you and boy does he look good with his mama! You are doing a great job getting him grown up! Big man.
Gab is still a peanut but she sure has a personally. And Darren is growing like a weed. he is so close to being as tall as me it is not even funny! I have to leave to get him shortly at school. This him not taking the bus has been hard on me but easy on him for sure.

I am so sorry that you have been feeling lonely. I am being a bad friend. I have to get my shit to together. I feel like there is not enough time in the day. I am really trying to do quite a few things right now. My diet is going well but I am writing everything down and it is taking some of my energy for sure! But it is working and I think that tonight when I go to weigh in I will see some results. I sure hope that is what happens. And I feel better because I am eating better. You motivate me :). Even when you dont know it.

I really love you and miss you I need you to know that and I want to talk to you all the time. I dont know what happened I think that I am just so wrapped up in Bs of life. I am trying really hard to do two more things over the next few weeks,l one is finish my application to grad school and I am being a slug about it. I have to wait for one more letter from my boss and I have all the other pieces from other people and transcripts what have you but I need to sit down and do my resume and my letter to the grad program then I am done. I have a goal of next wed then I am going to drive it all down there. THe next thing that I need to get done after that is my portfolio. It is really a project! I am so close but I have to just take the time to do it. I am thinking of taking a personal day and going to the library and taking over a table there and just doing the whole thing and getting it done! I need to girl!

Okay I will talk to you more later but I really have to go pee and gab is getting up in a few. LOve you miss you more than I can say.

Something to consider

2010-01-10T17:26:00.005-07:00

Hey girlie, it was really nice talking to you today. Although I am grateful for the time we did have, I am being selfish and am sad we didn't have more time to talk. I have really been missing you lately, I feel really alone. Jeff and I are doing really well, but there are things that I can talk easily to you about and you make so much sense. It just seems that we each are so wrapped up in our own lives, that we tend to forget to make the time to talk to each other. I know I have said it before and you have quelled it, but I really feel like I am losing or have lost you. I know that I am being selfish and need to be grateful that I even have you in my life at all, some people are not so lucky as to have you in theirs.

Moving on. I am going to try really hard to do the whole New Testament in 30 days that Aimee is doing on her blog. I know you don't agree with the whole blog thing she did in the beginning, but I just read the first reading and it made so much sense to me on a couple of different levels. It is just something I think you should consider. I know that getting out to church is difficult for you due to the condo, the weather, and sometimes getting the kids ready to go in the morning. This way you would still have a daily lesson.

I am proud of you on all the different levels you discussed earlier. Maybe I am not being a good friend by not remembering everything, but regardless I still think you are an amazing person. You do so well in all that you do. CONGRATULATIONS on the raise, that will definitely be a plus. By the way, how much longer do you have to go on your portfolio for that HUGE raise you would get? I hope that it is coming along well for you.

Thanks for wanting to share the code with me, that will be very nice! I was looking for some recipe the other day, and actually found a WW cookbook! I was so excited, I am going to be going through it in a little to start making plans for some of the meals. But, I will also get on the program as soon as I can.

Alrighty girl, Caleb is demanding I read to him, and I have put him off long enough. So, I will talk to you soon.

Love ya,
Jenn

2010-01-10T12:24:00.002-07:00

I am not sure what happened but please read the other one first then this one thank god the blog saves drafts because I almost just lost all that stuff that I just typed out! Grr.

Okay so I was telling you that I pulled bird off the bus. It has made things very hard because now I have to take him to school and pick him up. I have had to find all different people to help piece it together until we move at which time I will drive him in for the first few days but then after he knows some of the kids that will be on that bus with him I will have him put on the bus. Gee it will make life easier to have him getting on and off the bus right where we live. Becuase it is a rare day that I am still at work at 3:30 which is about the time that the bus will be rolling in. I just hope that Darren makes friends he is a great kid and I really get angry that this little kid has made him feel so down. jerk.

What esle? Oh I weighed in at weight watchers for the first time last week and I was 165. I had all my clothing on and it was winter clothes but no jacket and I had no shoes. I also weighed in at night. So I am guessing that had I weighed in in the morning I would have been about 162. I really think that for me it would have made the difference but whatever. It is what it is. I am really hoping that I can follow the plan! Hey whenever they send me my code to use the online service which is sopposed to be great I will share with you the code. Maybe if you cannot swing the cost until next check at least you can look at their site.

When do you have to leave for the training? I know you must be excited/scared for that to come up and then be over!

I am getting a raise for my job! WE GOT a letter saying that there would be a merit based increase in our Jan 29th checks! I cant wait to see what it is! I am hoping for 75 cents because the last raise I got two years ago lol was 68 cents. It was three years ago almost now! So pray for the three quarters! I am not taking a class this semester becuase there is far to much going on but I am still applying to grad school for fall of 2010. I am not sure if I will get in because I only got a B plus and I needed an A minus to add the benefit to the application whatever. I did the best I could with what I had. The way I look at it is I will apply, take this semester to finish this portfolio and focus on work because I told you thinks are going on there and once I get that in then there will be a better rate of pay for me after all that hard work! And then I will just look to see what the school says. If I get in great if not I will take one class again and work hard. By that time maybe i will get in.

K gotta go.

Love ya

2010-01-10T12:00:00.001-07:00

Hey Congrats on all the things that you are doing because it looks really good! You are down some inches and that means something is happening and I bet you are down pounds already too but dont rush to find that out if you are not ready because I think that you dont need the number to show the success when you have the inches already! Oh and congrats on your eating too it looks really good. I tell you that I think that you shouls join weight watchers when you get a chance. I went last week and I feel really good about what is happening., I am tracking what I have eaten bite for bite. I am really trying to get in healthy things and watch for cravings and eating at night meals which was what I was doing there for a while and it was really bad.

SO JUST so you know I am so sorry that we have not talked. I have not done anything. It is so cold here that I cring at going out. I got your text that you were at nine. Today we were at zero. I know that you know my pain. It is even winter in places in the us that never have winter. They are worried about the zoo animals! The cold sucks! Jenn I just realized that I have not been to church in ages. It is so bad. I think that I am going to try my best to go back as soon as the condo is calmed down.

Right now I am a single mom so to speak because John is at the condo ALLLLLL DAY LONG! HE gets home at like 9 each night and passes out. It is easy to see he is not used to all this work. But it is finally coming along. It was a nightmare. The carpets were glued to the padding which was glued to the floor. It was insane and took a full week to have the carpets removed. My brother was over there every day after school until nine helping John. It was a job from hell. but that part is done and I stopped over there today and the painter is really moving along. The living room and the halls and kitchen are a tan color, gabs room is purple! , birds is blue grayish, ours is green a very gentle green, and the ceilings are white. I am still not sure what we are doing in the bathrooms but we are going to have to figure that out probally by tuesday because the painter is really moving along. He has all the ceilings done and is starting the main house color. I cant wait to see it and show it to you when it is done. I did not take enough before pics! But bird has video on the ipod lol if I can figure out how to transfer in to online I will!

Oh by the way we sold our bedroom set that we had now and gab and I are sleeping on the floor on a twin mattress. I think it goes without saying that we are not all that comfortable.

My gram was in the hospital again all week and she is out now but she is really mad. SHe is so angry at my uncle george and their family for not coming around or calling her that much at the hospital or coming to pick her up when she needed a ride home. I get it but she is just being really stubborn. They call all day and she ignores the calls. I dont know. She got really mad because she asked my uncle for a ride home from the hospital and he told her it depends what time and she was pissed because she wanted him to just get the time off from work and get her. But I guess seeing that my uncle is a sargent he probally figured why should I take time of from work when there are other people that can get her meaning me or my other uncle that doesnt work. The two uncles hate each other but uncle david doesnt know that uncle george hates him as much as he does becuase george just decided to pretend david died but never told him that was what he was doing. So David thinks everything is fine but that is a four hour conversation. My gram thinks that my uncle just depends on me to do everything and that is fine but I dont know jenn I dont know she is so angry. I said arent you making yourself feel more alone but cutting people out but she says she is right and I am wrong for even trying to look at from another light so I gave up. So that has been my family drama but good god girl that story with the uncles has so much more to it but I can t write it here being the public exsistence of a blog so we will chat about that on the phone.

And my bird boy grew over night! He is about 2 inches below me I am telling you it is like all the sudden he is huge! Just in time to turn nine which is in just a few weeks the 30th! But he has been having a rough time at school. The kid that he was friends with all last year is picking on him and I dont know why but it is really hurting bird and I hate the kid. He is a little shithead. Darren wanted to be taken off the bus now seeing that he just wants it to stop aso I

Ho Hum

2010-01-07T11:42:00.002-07:00

Hey, about the blog it actually defaulted back. I didn't change a thing! But I agree the pink is prettier.

Caleb is being difficult today in going down for his nap, he is about 2 hours late. I read to him, sang to him, laid with him and he just won't do it. To top it off he has a full belly. Hopefully he will be down in about 15-30 minutes, if not I will have a wholly terror on my hands by 2. He finds anything and everything he can do to keep himself awake. Can you see the terrible twos coming because I sure can.

I am going to join Weight Watchers as soon as I can. I don't think it will be this upcoming paycheck but I should be able to do it come the next one. We will see, Jeff may forward me the money! So, I will jump on the bandwagon with you. Although I haven't done too awfully bad this last week. I've only eaten "bad" two times. Once was at work, and in my defense we were setting up the command post and I didn't have anything I could bring that wouldn't sour without a fridge, but instead of ordering Mexican I ordered a club sandwich. Still a lot of calories but way less fat and cholesterol. Then last night Jeff and I were coming back with Caleb and Codey from Las Cruces and we stopped at Whataburger, and I got my normal burger with fries, but instead of a Dr. Pepper I got a tea, and I gave about 1/2 my fries to Caleb. So, not good, but I could've done worse with the Dr. Pepper. I am taking baby steps.

I have found that I really like these new 100 calorie fruit crisps from either Special K or Kelloggs. They are just like a pop-tart but they are way less calories. I put that in conjunction with some yogurt or fruit, and some hot tea, and it is really good, and under 300 calories for breakfast. I strongly suggest you look for them at stop-n-shop the next time you go shopping. I think they would be a great snack for you to have on hand, especially when you are working and driving between clients.

This is what I have eaten today:

B-1/2 everything bagel (150 Calories) with a very small amount of butter
S-1 bar of the Fruit Crisps (50 Calories)...Caleb decided he liked them and ate the other bar
L-Creamy chicken noodle soup made with whole wheat pasta, carrots, celery and onions.

I don't know how mnay calories are in the soup, but it is a diabetic recipe so I don't think that it could be too many...I'll guestimate at around 350. So far today that gives me 550 calories. I am thinking that I am going to have your infamous strawberries and milk for snack and then for dinner I am making turkey sausage with tomatoes, squash and zucchini, that may give me another 300 calories or so. If I do it right I will hit right around 1200 calories, which is my target. For the most part, this is how I have been doing. Of course I haven't had a chance to get back to the gym since the other day because we were on the road from 9 yesterday morning to 930 last night. But, I am going tomorrow, come hell or high water. I deserve it.

On an even more positive note, I had done some measurements last week and when I measured yesterday just for the hell of it, my hips were down 1" and my waist was down 2" already. I haven't taken my weight yet, but I will probably have to do that in the morning before work, because as you can see I've already eaten for today.

Oh, real fast back to the soup. I know that a couple of months ago you were saying how Gab is a carnivore, well Caleb not so much. When I fixed him his bowl of soup today, he ate a little bit of the pasta, but he purposefully moved the pasta and the chicken to get to the carrots and celery. Can you believe it? He won't eat a hamburger or chicken nuggets when we get it for him. And he won't drink milk, unless it is chocolate. So, I compromise and give him the chocolate milk, but only one glass a day, when we have it. I think that in conjunction with the yogurt and string cheese he eats, he should be getting a good portion of his calcium and stuff that he needs.

I am so excieted about school starting, but at the same time I am nervous. I mean I leave town the 24th of January and come back the 13th of February, maybe the night of the twelfth. School is hard enough when I am not out of town, it is going to be a major struggle the three weeks I am going to be gone. I keep telling myself though that I am almost done, this is the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't know about you but I am having a lot of problems drinking water. I don't have a problem drinking cranberry juice (which I limit myself to 4-6oz a day) or even drinking tea. I just can't seem to swallow down enough water. I know that it is key for me, so why don't I just do it?

Alrighty girl, I have rambled enough. I look forward to seeing you on here more. If there is anyway that I can help you out in your journey, let me know. Love you always.

Jenn

Pretty in Pink

2010-01-05T21:41:00.001-07:00

I am going to bed but stopped here to see if there was anything and was happy to see the pink back! Love it!

I will be here alot soon so hang in there! Thursday is weight watchers come hell or high water!

C

Giving it another whirl

2010-01-02T07:19:00.002-07:00

Hey! I've decided to try and give the whole eating healthy work out thing another whirl. It was difficult during the holidays and stuff, but now all that is passed and I don't have any excuses.

I had a honey wheat bagel with peanut butter for breakfast and am going to eat a salad for lunch. I have texted Jeff to see if by chance he would want grilled fish for dinner, in which I would make garlic broccoli and mushrooms and rice to go with it. We will see though, he hasn't gotten back to me yet.

I hope that you can get the motivation back for you to finish with that last 20 lbs. If you want, I can do weight watchers with you. I am using sparkpeople intermittently, but am hoping that I can get on it on a more consistent basis.

Gosh, I am so tired right now. I fell asleep around 800 or so last night and got up at 4, but I am beat. I didn't sleep too sound, I was awake at 11, 2, 3, and then up at 4, so I didn't rest. I have promised Autumn to play dance dance revolution with her when I get home today and I am looking forward to that a lot.

Alrighty girl, that is all I can think about. I really don't have anything to talk about, which is weird for me.

Jenn

Busy Busy

2009-12-28T09:27:00.002-07:00

Crys,

I did get the message from Christmas night, but I have been so busy that I haven't had a chance to sit down and write until now.

So let's see what's new in my world. Nothing really. I mean I work and stay home. Nothing big. Autumn got the disney version of dance dance revolution and I played that with her last night and it was a lot of fun. In January I am going to buy the Wii Fit. I think that it will be fun, and will put a mix in things. I hear you about the getting to the gym thing. I have to as well. I am going Thursday to pay it up to date and pay hopefully at least one month in advance. I have to get back. I am still pretty much at the same weight, but I am just more flabby than when I was going to the gym. And, I am going back to days in Artesia, so I will be off at 2 and figured that I could just take my clothes with me, change at the gym, and then go home. That way I don't have to come home and make Caleb upset that I leave again.

I know that I haven't been feeling well lately. I am sleeping all the time and when I wake up, my hands and joints hurt so much. I don't know what it is but I get it from time to time.

I am excited for you and the condo! I can't wait to see pics of it. You will be fine. I know it is driving you crazy, but once you are moved in it will have all been worth it.

So, I have not done well with my eating as well, but it could be a lot worse. I have been eating leftovers from Christmas dinner because there is no way I was going to let all that food go to waste. So, we are almost done with it and then I can move onto making other things. I will have more control over what I eat. I have control now, but all of it is so good. It is completely a will power thing.

It is so funny, Autumn is playing dance dance revolution right now and she has two mats out and Caleb is on the other mat dancing around. It's cute because it has Minnie, Mickey, Goofy, Donald and some other characters. So he says hot dog everytime she pulls it out! Crys he is talking so much, the other day he said a sentence that contained 5 words! I am sure Gab is talking paragraphs by now! What's more is that Caleb is getting his own little personality about what he does or doesn't like. We tried to dress him in a new set of pajamas the other night and he screamed "I don't light, I don't light". He can't say the k sound yet at the end of a sentence but he can say kite. I don't know, he's an odd ball.

I don't know if this is normal but he throws everything. He throws blocks, toys, forks, spoons, his cup, balls. I mean if he can pick it up you can be guranteed that at some point in time he is going to throw it. And like Gab is running everywhere. He doesn't walk for a second he runs, runs, runs.

I miss you too, and you as well are in my thoughts and prayers all the time.

How did you do in your class? You may have said it but I don't remember. I am excited to get back into school come January. It is going to be a lot of work and difficult, but I can do it. It brings me that much closer to receiving my degree next December.

Oh my God Crys, one of my nephews wife is going to have another baby, she has one little girl that is 6 weeks older than Caleb, a 10 month old and is due in July. Can you imagine! Holy Cow! I am beginning to think that the doc should do a tubal and just never tell her! Autumn says they are going to be the next Dugger family!

Ugh my dryer just buzzed at me, calling my name. I really don't want to keep doing laundry, but I must. It is Calebs clothes in there right now. I have been doing laundry for 2 days now and we still don't have it all done. That is the thing with a family of 6, you always have laundry.

Alright girl, I am running out of things to talk about. My life is boring, nothing new to report on. But, I always love hearing from you!

Love you,
Jenn

hey girl

2009-12-27T20:36:00.001-07:00

HeyI meant to be eating really well already and I cant tell you that I am but I am really working on it. I am telling you the stress of the condo is wearing me down it has been such an up and down and it is crazy. Anyway it looks like we are closing on Tuesday and we drove by tonight and sure enough the current owner is moving out so by golly lol it better be then! Or esle the whole thing will fall apart for everyone involed. It was not fun but I hope living in it will be!

I am FOR sure joining the gym that is down the street from the condo and I mean down the street. I could walk but the roads are very heavy traveled and I wouldnt want to do that! I really hope that I can get to the damn gym. Grr.

I hope that you got my message here the other night and that you did not think that I forgot about you on christmas because I did not at all you are always in my thoughts and prayers. I hope that everything is going well. I am going to hit the hay!

Night Muah.

Crystal